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How to help a man I know to stop covering up hair loss and shave head by Emma on 24 Sep, 2012 23:56
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Hi gorgeous sly men - I've been browsing the site and admiring the pictures of all you gorgeous bald men. If only the man in my life would embrace the baldness!
I guess this is one for any of you that struggled with hair loss and tried to cover it up before realising that going bald was the way forward.
My situation is this - I am in the early days of a relationship with a lovely 45 year old man who I've known for over four years (we used to work closely together so I guess you could say we were friends before we go it on!). Ever since I've known him he has been putting some kind of thickener (Toppik? I saw it in his drawer) in his hair to hide his thinning hair and bald spot – the particles are visible in his hairline and on his scalp. He also seems to have some kind of spray or gel in it because that top section feels crispy and hard. It looks awful, there's no two ways about it, and I know it’s obvious to everyone around him because people in the office used to talk about it in a ‘what on earth is he thinking?’ kind of way.
We've only been together for a couple of months and things are going really well – as we’ve known each other for so long already we are very comfortable with each other and are talking about a future together. However this hair issue has become the elephant in the room. He must know I know he is balding but he hasn’t talked about it and it seems to limit his life somewhat. I suggested we go for a swim at his apartment the other day and he said 'Oh I'm not into swimming' – which could be true, but it could also be because he knows his hair will be messed up. I am sure there are other situations that must be tricky for him – he never showers until after I’ve left for instance. I am an outdoorsy, fun-loving kind of girl and while his hair hasn’t stopped me being attracted to him it is off-putting that he is willing to go to such lengths to cover up his hair loss. I feel it could become a barrier to us reaching a level of intimacy I would like to have with him if I don’t raise it soon.
He is a successful, funny, intelligent, kind man and generally a good bloke – a guy’s guy - who I can't believe doesn't realise that what he is doing isn’t fooling anyone other than himself. As I get closer to him and care about him more I feel I need to talk to him about it and gently tell him he needs to stop battling nature and just shave it. He is a very attractive, broad-shouldered guy who would look hot with either a very close buzz cut or totally shaved so I want to suggest he try it, but it's clearly a sensitive issue for him and I want to minimise any hurt I cause by mentioning it. I’m attracted to him because he’s such a great person and makes me happy, however when it comes down to it confident baldness is so much more attractive than an insecure cover up. It' not the external that bothers me but the internal, but I also don't want him to continue being the subject of whispered comments etc.
Do any of you have any advice about how to approach this? I tend to think that direct and honest is the best approach because he’s the sort of person that could easily deflect or avoid subtle suggestions. So I’m considering just sitting him down when we next see each other and saying; ‘I need to tell you something. You really need to shave your head and stop trying to cover up that you’re losing your hair. You'd look hot with a shaved head’ Cruel to be kind? Or just cruel? How else can I help him through this process of acceptance and help him move on from this? Once I raised it I could point him towards this site obviously, but it’s even bringing up the subject that is the challenge.
Would you prefer a friend or loved one let you know hiding your hair loss wasn’t working or should I find some other way to get him to come to that conclusion?
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#1 by Frontier Guy on 25 Sep, 2012 04:34
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Welcome Emma, great post.
Personally, I'd rather someone be direct and say something. Might not like it immediately, but it would certainly break open the topic and get me thinking and talking about it.
Alternatively, does he have any brothers or friends who are obviously balding or shaved whom you see and could use as a conversation starter?
And, definitely, once you get the topic on the table send him here. -
#2 by mrzed on 25 Sep, 2012 04:42
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You could introduce the subject by shaving your own head bald, but I'm not going to recommend that.
You are going to need to bring up the conversation at some time. One of those things you need to talk about.
And definitely introduce him to this site. He can secretly browse and see all the very positive stories of guys who have shaved bald and look good. And feel good about it.
If you have a mutual friend who is bald, he might be the person to bring up the subject. I'll often challenge my work partners who have balding issues to consider shaving their heads. Most know that I'm BBC. So I don't NEED to shave bald, but I choose to do so and like the look. Shedding the thinning hair seems to be a major relief to many guys. And it certainly looks better.
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#3 by Blitzed on 25 Sep, 2012 05:28
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You will need to start very slowly and very carefully or he'll come to think of you as, "The one with the shears". Here's another approach; You mention the lotions and potions, why not, out of the goodness of your heart of course, suggest that they may not be particularly healthy for his extended use. Indeed, there may be carcinogens or testosterone pluggers, you know, little things that mean a lot to a guy. Publicly admire a shaved head in his presence, tell him Yul Brynner has always "done it"-whatever he construes that to mean-for you. As a gift, and if you're lucky enough to have such a place in your town/city/megalopolis, send him there for a shave, hair cut, facial, neck massage, all the good stuff. Of course, in advance you yourself have popped in and had a "chat" with the barber/stylist, perhaps money changes hands, and suggest the the shortened hair look be explored "just as a one time look/see". Even if he comes back looking sheared rather then cut, so long as it's shorter, become rhapsodic in your admiration. Make another appointment for him suggesting that "a little more off the top might look great....." YOU can see the Yellow Brick Road on this one but, nice guy that he doubtless is, it would be caddish of him to suspect you. Take every opportunity to fondle highly polished furniture, seem to become lost in the experience....but you're a wise, bright and kind woman and you have your wiles, something the guys here lack. Good Luck. And keep us updated. PJ
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#4 by Slynito on 25 Sep, 2012 07:35
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I'm sure that you can explain how handsome he would be and how it would please you...get him thinking. Good Luck!
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#5 by Andrei on 25 Sep, 2012 09:29
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Welcome Emma!
There is no easy approach: you cannot talk to him about balding without talking about balding.
Once you open the subject, then there's no turning back.
If this is the path you chose then a direct and open talk would be better.
As an alternative, you can offer to cut his hair once, persuade him that a shorter style or even a buzz cut would really suit him.
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#6 by StumpyDave on 25 Sep, 2012 09:52
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I think that a lot of guys that use various techniques to hide thinning or receding hair spend so long convincing themselves that it works that they don't realise how obvious it is to everyone else. For many it is a lack of confidence or concern about what other people may think that stop them taking the plunge.
I think you'd have to be very confident of you relationship to confront him directly as he's probably got a good level of denial going on his appearance. If another friend of his were to make the suggestion that he give up on his lotions and potions and you were supportive then I think you would be in a stronger position.
I was never too concerned about my thinning hair - it irritated me, but I never thought it was a reflection on my personality. A good friend commented that my hair was nearly transparent when viewed from above and dared me to get rid of it. I did and haven't regretted it for a moment.
Once you've started to win him over offer to shave his head for him. My wife did mine once. I can't remember whether it was a particularly smooth result or not but it was the best shave of my life.
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#7 by D.A.L.U.I. on 25 Sep, 2012 10:03
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Another vote here for calling to his attention another guy who has shaved his head--not hard these days, and say how good it looks, sharp, alert,--the positive stuff about it. See what his reaction is, if he opens the door, walk through and see if he wouldn't like to try it. Remember, it's not only him that he's doing his hair routine for, it's you--and if you will let him be free, you might find that he's been thinking about it, at least once or twice. He's one lucky guy to have a woman like you, a really lucky guy.
If he has questions you know where to send him--we won't try to get him to do rugs, plugs or drugs. We handle mpb the natural way. -
#8 by Laser Man on 25 Sep, 2012 11:01
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I'm with the crowd that suggests an indirect route to convincing him. Coming right out and pointing out what is obviously a tender subject will most likely make him defensive. Instead, try the gentle art of persuasion through repetition, pointing out good looking very short hair styles, occassionally suggesting a shorter look, etc. Work gently to get him to the point where he wants to try it. It may take a little time, but it will get him to overcome his inhibitions. Right now, you have enough clues that his hair concerns are limiting him, so while he may not say it, it's a huge hurdle to clear and a direct approach will likely fail.
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#9 by leighmundo40 on 25 Sep, 2012 13:17
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I agree with all of the above advice. We blokes are sensitive creatures! and even though, deep down in his own mind, he is likely to know it himself, having someone else point it out, no matter how close, can be devastating.
I'd start with the odd comment here and there, you don't want him to start associating you as a constant nag about it.
LOVED the comment from mrzed about seductively stroking highly polished furniture! made me chuckle a lot! -
#10 by Emma on 25 Sep, 2012 16:11
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Thanks for all your advice guys...I take the point that the direct approach could make him defensive, which is exactly why I came on here to ask advice. I've also talked it over with a mutual female friend who has known him longer than I have and she thinks it could have contributed to the fact he hasn't been in a relationship for a while. I touched the top of his head accidentally once and he noticably flinched. It must be hard to let someone get close to you when you feel like you need to hide the fact you are balding, the relationship can only go so far while trying to maintain that pretence, which is what I'm worried about.
However I also don't want to come across like the new girlfriend who is already trying to change him. I like him alot as he is - it's only hair not something fundamental to who is in my eyes - but I know thats probably not how he sees it and that for him its' linked to youth, self-esteem etc.
He is working away in a different city for the next year or so we're not hanging out with each other's friends very much so I can't enlist a bald friend or brother to help out. I do have a couple of bald male friends whose advice I can ask however, but they haven't met him yet. We only see each other every couple of weeks but talk on the phone and text daily, so having taken in what you guys have had to say I will start with the occassional subtle hint approach. Occassionally pointing out men who look good bald is a great idea - I could also start watching Bruce Willis and Jason Statham films and pointing out how much better both of them look bald than they did with hair.
Once he's got those 'bald men are hot' thoughts in his head then a direct talk at a later date when I've got some idea how he might react may be less confronting. He's been covering up his baldness for at least five years so it's not going to be something that changes overnight.
I love the idea of buying him some clippers and cutting his hair myself. I used to do that for an ex-boyfriend and it was such a fun, intimate thing to do.
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#11 by Laser Man on 25 Sep, 2012 16:21
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You've added an interesting wrinkle here: he's going to be working (and living, I assume) in a different city. This would be the ideal time to start with a new look because he'll be around different people who, if he showed up bald or buzzed down, would only know him that way!
Start with the subtle hints and see where they lead...but the move to a new city may be a real opportunity to try to seize, delicately, of course!
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#12 by Emma on 25 Sep, 2012 16:35
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You've added an interesting wrinkle here: he's going to be working (and living, I assume) in a different city. This would be the ideal time to start with a new look because he'll be around different people who, if he showed up bald or buzzed down, would only know him that way!
Yep, that would have been a great plan, but he's already moved there and already started a new job! I wish he could have started there with a new look so they wouldn't have known any different, because I know that his new colleagues will be noticing the cover up and commenting on it behind his back.
I'm hoping that he and I will go away together for a week or so in a couple of months time so that could another opportunity for him to give it a try. Also he works for an organisation whose organise a big head shaving fundraiser so I will definitely be suggesting he lead by example on that one! -
#13 by Frontier Guy on 25 Sep, 2012 17:52
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Also he works for an organisation whose organise a big head shaving fundraiser so I will definitely be suggesting he lead by example on that one!
I think there's a golden opportunity nestled in the fundraiser approach. How far down the road is that? -
#14 by Emma on 25 Sep, 2012 18:19
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Also he works for an organisation whose organise a big head shaving fundraiser so I will definitely be suggesting he lead by example on that one!
I think there's a golden opportunity nestled in the fundraiser approach. How far down the road is that?
It's in March, so some time away, but gives me at least an opening to bring up the subject of shaving his head and how I think it would really suit him...