Sly Bald Guys Forum
New Member Section => Introductions => Topic started by: CrossRoads on February 11, 2013, 11:00:42 PM
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This past weekend I came across your site and have been reading through the various topics and very impressed with all the support. Here's my story, in some ways a very familiar one --
I've been with Hair Club for 22 years (!), started in my mid 20s, but have been wanting to toss it and shave down for years but never had the courage to do it, and have felt trapped. Not because I'm afraid of what I may look like -- I've made peace with all that, and frankly, I think I'd look okay after I got a tan. But because I'm paralyzed by the fear of humiliation in the work environment and impact to my career of "outing" myself. I presume that it will be pretty obvious once I shave my head and you can see where my hair line begins and ends, so denial likely isn't an option.
Only my closest friends from my younger days know that I have piece, and they frankly all say it looks darn natural on me, and they wouldn't be able to tell offhand. In fact one of my friends that does know also had a piece for many years and he finally went sly, and he told me two things: 1) he is thrilled he did, and 2) my piece looks really good, much better than his own ever did. So I'm guessing that most people at my office may be unaware -- but who knows??
Now here's the inspiration that is giving me the courage and the strength to do this finally. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and just started her chemo. Her hair is falling out and we will need to shave her head soon. Hell, if she can do it so can I finally. (BTW, prognosis for my wife is reasonably good -- knock wood.) I'm planning (hoping) to do this with her this Friday.
I'm just really concerned of the office snickering, etc., and career impact. I am a pretty senior exec at a very large consumer brand company that you all know well. So I'm very concerned of the office fallout, and potential of decimating my reputation and credibility.
Some of the folks I work with know of my wife's condition, so i suppose i can easily say I did this to bond with her and show support. Which, truly I would do it even if it were my own hair -- only difference is that it would grow back like hers after 6-ish months. But I really wouldn't want to use my wife's illness as any sort of cover for my insecurities 22 years ago. Deep down I'm fearful that would only compound some of the pathetic decisions I have made. Of course, my wife- always the more insightful one, says to me the other day -- "Use me as cover, it's okay. At least there may be some silver lining in all this!" Wow. But I'm still having trouble doing that.
Any thoughts suggestions on how best to manage this in the office? Do I tell folks-- like the exec I work for and my team that when i come back from vacation the week after next, I'll be shaven clean? Or do I just come in sly without any heads-up? Hard to say what's better.
Also, is there any way I can mask the "shadow" of the hairline? Go to a tanning booth, self-tanning lotion, powder, anything? I have one full week only between D-Day and first day back to the office -- that is if I can muster the strength to do it finally this Friday. Oh, one other thing... I noticed at my last HCM appt that the area where the system is applied is pretty red and bumpy. Skin irritation clearly from the tape. Any thoughts on how to treat this and about how long before it goes away? I uploaded a picture of it -- it's not so nice ...
Thoughts/suggestions on above greatly appreciated!
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Most here will endorse the decision to go sly as I will too. BUt what I would say is to also tell the whole truth, that you have had a "piece" and were inspired by your wifes illness to shave and remove the "piece" at the same time. It will be truly easy to be honest with everyone. You can even ask around and see who guessed it was a "piece". Laugh about it, say you were insecure 20 years ago but no longer. (most of us here have a similar story) Very simple and most of all they will RESPECT YOUR CONFIDENCE in telling the whole truth. Then say you have decided not to go back to the "piece" and are CONFIDENT being bald as many other men are today. SUrely there are some bald guys where you work ?
Buy some face cleanser with Salyisilic acid in it like ST Ives Face Scrub and clean your head as you would your face from now on to make the skin less irritated. Try Hydrocortisone Cream as well. Many use Witch Haxel without alcohol as well. You will learn that your scalp skin needs to be cleaned and pampered like face skin to look great. So shave away and be truthful and free.
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Welcome C.R.,
I applaud you for realizing the time may have come to live a less hair-centered existence. If you go sly you will find it so much less stressful. But I'm sure you've gathered that from reading the many posts by dozens of other guys here.
My inclination would be to NOT say anything to your team at work. Although doing so would lay the groundwork and almost force you into following through, I don't think that's the most emotionally healthy approach (being held hostage by your pre-disclosure). Also, telling them now but not showing them for 10 days leaves too much time for office chit-chat. All the better to simply return from vacation as the "new you" and work through the immediate surprise all at once.
A week's time will be enough to get some color on your scalp and to allow your skin to "breathe" and return to normal after the years of adhesive abuse. The hairline shadow will be much more a concern to you, and little if any to others. They will be focused on the overall change versus the minor subtleties.
You can see how the reaction goes, and use the cover of supporting your wife if you wish. But I think that's just going to make it more complicated. How about simply "it was time for a change" and leave it at that and move forward?
Bald is so much more mainstream that I think it is unlikely it will be any hindrance to your career. If anything, your personal confidence will increase and unspoken honesty will shine through.
All in all, seems to me like you've got an ideal opportunity to make a fundamental change in how you feel and present yourself. The positives, in my mind, far outweigh any possible negatives.
Keep us posted. You're welcome here regardless of what you do or don't do.
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+1 to the excellent advice as usual from Frontier Guy.
I suspect many know you have a piece so why not return as the new you. Revel in the cobfidence you will feel when liberated from the tyranny of a hair piece. Not to mention the savings from release from the clutches of HCM.
Best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery and enjoy life to the full.
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G'Day Crossroads,
Thank-you for sharing your story
+ 1 Frontier Guy and his usual great insight and advice.
Hope everything goes well for you Crossroads mate.
As Nuts mentioned a speedy recovery to your missus.
Oh.....almost forgot....Welcome to the Nude Nut house O0
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Welcome mate,
Can't add to that u there ^
Goodluck!
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In my opinion it is best not to let your office colleagues know that you are going to shave your head. It is also best for you not to over think re how you are going to handle things when you go back to work bald. FG's idea of just saying "it was time for a change..." is a good way to close down the conversations and get on with your work and life. It is unnecessary to explain just why it was time for a change.
Other than having "time for a change" ready don't make any plans, don't think about it and just react intuitively in the moment if situations at work present themselves regarding your baldness.
If other people know about your wife's illness then they will probably assume that you are doing it at this time to support her -- no need to mention it.
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Welcome, Crossroads.....I think Frontier Guy pretty much covered everything, but wishing you the best as you go through this transition and most importantly, prayers to your wife for a speedy recovery and continued good health.
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Believe me when I say that most of your office mates KNOW that you have a hair piece. We had the same situation here where I work for many years. A guy had a piece and thought nobody knew..... but EVERYBODY knew..... and made fun of it behind his back. Then a couple of years ago he came back from vacation with no piece and shaved smooth. Nobody even really blinked because he no longer had that raccoon on his head.
You have all the incentive you need..... the woman you Love is sick and needs your support. This isn't the time to be selfish or scared, this is the time to "man up" and do what needs to be done. As scared as you are of what your co-workers will think (and do they REALLY matter?), that pales in comparison to the fear your wife must have right now.
Good luck and Peace and Prayers to your wife and you.
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Unfortunately we live in a world dedicated to knowing the other fellow's business. As for your office-and there will be questions and comments-you can solve that in one sentence: "As some of you may know my wife is having chemo and has had to shave her head and it seemed unfair not to join her." If they follow up on that, you won't have to punch them out for their crudity, your friends will do it for you. Also, and when she's all repaired and life is good once again, you can throw out the "piece", your head will be tan and you never need bother to wear it again. Best wishes to your lady wife and my congratulations to a husband and a man who knows the best thing to do.
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Believe me when I say that most of your office mates KNOW that you have a hair piece. ...
I wasn't going to mention this, but it is so true. I've known it with many guys I've worked with over the years. This is one time when people tend to be polite and not say anything to you ... but they will discuss it behind your back.
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Welcome C.R.,
I applaud you for realizing the time may have come to live a less hair-centered existence. If you go sly you will find it so much less stressful. But I'm sure you've gathered that from reading the many posts by dozens of other guys here.
My inclination would be to NOT say anything to your team at work. Although doing so would lay the groundwork and almost force you into following through, I don't think that's the most emotionally healthy approach (being held hostage by your pre-disclosure). Also, telling them now but not showing them for 10 days leaves too much time for office chit-chat. All the better to simply return from vacation as the "new you" and work through the immediate surprise all at once.
A week's time will be enough to get some color on your scalp and to allow your skin to "breathe" and return to normal after the years of adhesive abuse. The hairline shadow will be much more a concern to you, and little if any to others. They will be focused on the overall change versus the minor subtleties.
You can see how the reaction goes, and use the cover of supporting your wife if you wish. But I think that's just going to make it more complicated. How about simply "it was time for a change" and leave it at that and move forward?
Bald is so much more mainstream that I think it is unlikely it will be any hindrance to your career. If anything, your personal confidence will increase and unspoken honesty will shine through.
All in all, seems to me like you've got an ideal opportunity to make a fundamental change in how you feel and present yourself. The positives, in my mind, far outweigh any possible negatives.
Keep us posted. You're welcome here regardless of what you do or don't do.
+1
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Welcome Crossroads! My prayers for your wife to have a speedy recovery. IMHO, the truth always is the best policy.
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Welcome crossroads !
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I can only echo what the others have already said. Regarding your concerns about it impacting your career: I fail to see how going sly, and manning up to having worn a piece, could possibly impact your career. Most people probably won't even care.
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This reminds me of something that happened in a job about 12 years ago, we had a weekend team member who had a perfectly good head of hair, then he secured a full time contract and turned up on his first day totally bald. His hairline was apparent and it was obvious he only had hair round the sides and back. It was so obvious he had being wearing a wig. There were some whispered comments and some emails but it last about ten mins more to do with people saying "I knew" or "why didn;t I guess" and then everyone went back to their own lives.
At the end of the day what can people say "Did you wear a hairpiece", "yes I did but I wanted to support my wife through her treatment and have decided to stop wearing it". I would imagine that'll get you respect and stop the conversations going any further.
If people ask why you wore it, be honest but say now you want to stop.
Honesty is the best policy, within a day it'll be old news!
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Ming is not infallible, but He often says to Himself, "Hmm. That does not look entirely natural." This in regard to what's seen on the top of some passing one's head. Well, it might be real hair, but if real hair looks fake, it's no better than a rug. And if it is a rug... well, Ming's Imperial Eye scores again.
Point? Just go ahead and do it. Ming's mantra is, "Never explain, never apologize."
There is no doubt about what you are doing if you shave the dome. There is no commercial "No Hair Club for Men." You can establish your own for minimal expense and maximum effect. And be satisfied every minute.
Life is more than what is above your eyebrows. Or what is not.
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welcome crossroads...I hope everything turns out good for your wife, cancer has been in my life over the last couple of years, but thankfully all is well...and I wish the same for you both....
Re the hair...or lack of...I'm new to the sly look....used products to cover up my thinning locks, it ruled my life in some way, you will hear this a lot...but once I shaved...just 10 days ago....it was like a huge weight lifted off me....I work in an office environment, as well as out on the road...the first day back at work I was nervous....but no one said anything bad...the most I got was "oh, you've shaved your head, looks good" followed by a few head rubs from the girls! my colleague who is a similar age, has the beginnings of mpb, his hair has been thinning for a while...he asked me today, how I was getting on with the shaving...and wondered if he should shave his, he said it looks good on me....no one has reacted badly...yet I expected them too! so i'll say it again...I WISH I HAD DONE IT YEARS AGO! If you are worried about the colour difference, use a bronzer to give your newly shaved bonce a nice sun kissed look....
I promise you, the only regret is the one I typed in bold letters a couple of lines up....I actually look forward to shaving every morning! smooth feels great...do it when your wife does hers..do each others..its valentines day soon!...but just do it, and enjoy the more confident you....ladies love the full bald look....my girlfriend loved it!
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First-- thank you for all the good wishes for my wife. I deeply appreciate it. The road is long and we are just at the start but we have good reasons to be hopeful and very happy to have a loving and supportive community of friends around us at home.
Next -- thanks for all your quick responses, thoughts and suggestions on how to handle this, as well as good sense to tell me don't sweat it so much at the office. It will be a bit of a bump initially but smooth sailing after that. I like the suggestion of simply "it was time for a change..." That's a terrific way to put it to rest. I so look forward to the feeling of -- "I wish I did this years ago..."
Lastly - i will go out and buy some witch hazel, St Ives scrub to clean up the irritation, and some good self-tanning lotion or maybe a few sessions at a tanning salon just to quickly help even out the color. I use Fusion Proglide already and lab series shaving cream. Any other recommendations?
Many thanks again. Really appreciate it.
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You've got (or listed) all the tools.
Just do it.
Don't think it over, or debate it, or ponder, or question, or straddle the decision.
Get on with the shaving, get on with your life.
You'll be back here in a week writing, "This was no big deal."
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Post a pic on Friday after the event.
In Australia many top executives of public companies have embraced the smooth dome and it doesn't appear to have affected their career progression. In fact many look so much smarter than those with obvious rugs (all are) or mousy haircuts. Many on this board also like some facial hair as a counterpoint to the smooth dome - personally I am biased that way.
Good luck and hope your wife continues to improve.
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Welcome Crossroads. As Mike said, you now have an excellent reason to, I'm sure it will mean the world to your wife, and the confidence it brings can do nothing but earn respect from those you are worried may ridicule you. You are a strong man for taking the steps to be yourself, but it will be one of the best choices you ever made.
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Ming is not infallible, but He often says to Himself, "Hmm. That does not look entirely natural." This in regard to what's seen on the top of some passing one's head. Well, it might be real hair, but if real hair looks fake, it's no better than a rug. And if it is a rug... well, Ming's Imperial Eye scores again.
Point? Just go ahead and do it. Ming's mantra is, "Never explain, never apologize."
There is no doubt about what you are doing if you shave the dome. There is no commercial "No Hair Club for Men." You can establish your own for minimal expense and maximum effect. And be satisfied every minute.
Life is more than what is above your eyebrows. Or what is not.
+1 to that.
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Welcome to the club, crossroads. I hope your wife gets better.
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Hey Crossroads, good luck to you and your wife.
Here's a link to a cost analysis I did a couple of years ago about going sly vs. having hair.
http://www2.slybaldguys.com/smf/index.php?topic=4670.0
I make reference to the Bosley Group. I know your post mainly discusses the reactions of others, but the cost is also a factor (plus the confidence of going sly).
All the best!
Schro
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One thing to add to the already supplied excellent advice: skip the tanning salon. Y'all already have enough to deal with without worrying about skin cancer.
Looking forward to hearing you say "Why didn't I do this sooner!?"
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re: shaving supplies...best one I've discovered from a tip on here, is ice, rub a cube all over your freshly shaved bonce, and it drastically reduces razor rash, in fact i have yet to have any, and i'm shaving every day
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Best of luck to your wife
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Thoughts and prayers to your wife, welcome aboard!
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Just wanted get back to everyone on how things went. It's been three weeks come tomorrow that I shaved my head. Been doing it every day since but for once or twice on the weekends. Gotta admit it was kinda liberating, and I got my system down to 15 mins shaving head and face. Need to experiment shaving in the shower w/o a mirror to save even more time w/o gashing open my head.
BTW - what do you use for "shampoo"? Straight soap or something else? I used St Ives from time to time as recommended but otherwise mostly using off-the-shelf shampoo. Also, I'm not personally a fan of the shiny dome look so I'm trying different products to reduce the reflection. So any recommendations on that are appreciated as well.
On the work front, it's gone pretty okay. There were some definite looks, numerous eyebrows raised, some smirks, and lots of traffic past my office glancing in. So i simply walked around the floor to give folks a better look. Friends approached me directly and made the connection of why i did this now given my the situation w/ my wife. I didn't need to say anything. They were all very cool and supportive -- it was touching actually. I suspect that with my shadow hairline some people had some chatter about it as well, but everyone was considerate and polite. Got some ribbing from the guys calling me Dr. Evil and/or Howie Mandel. Others said i looked sharp and even "hipster" since I have a soul patch, tend to wear more fashionable threads, and mod glasses most times.
Personally, I'm still getting used to the look and still sort of startles me when I walk past reflective glass. But it's growing on me.
Just like to thank everyone again for their support and encouragement to do this. It was great feedback and I really appreciate it!
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Thanks for keeping us updated.
Glad to hear you are happy with your new look!
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Crossroads, you sound like yet another Sly Success.
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I just amazes me at how many of the skeptical beginnings end up with such positive endings.
Glad things worked out well for you Crossroads.
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Welcome to SBG. I wish your wife all the best. So glad that you are enjoying the sly dome. It only gets better and easier with time.
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Glad to hear it's working out so well!
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Congradulations on making your move! Keep your eyes peeled, you might inspire somebody else to do the very same thing O0 Same sentiments as the other guys about the wife, hope her recovery is speedy!
I'm a bad example since I just use the same body wash all over for convenience (Nivea). I exfoliate the scalp once every week or so though to keep a shine.