At the crossroads btwn Hair Club and Life

[CrossRoads]

This past weekend I came across your site and have been reading through the various topics and very impressed with all the support.  Here's my story, in some ways a very familiar one --

I've been with Hair Club for 22 years (!), started in my mid 20s, but have been wanting to toss it and shave down for years but never had the courage to do it, and have felt trapped.  Not because I'm afraid of what I may look like -- I've made peace with all that, and frankly, I think I'd look okay after I got a tan.  But because I'm paralyzed by the fear of humiliation in the work environment and impact to my career of "outing" myself.  I presume that it will be pretty obvious once I shave my head and you can see where my hair line begins and ends, so denial likely isn't an option.

Only my closest friends from my younger days know that I have piece, and they frankly all say it looks darn natural on me, and they wouldn't be able to tell offhand.  In fact one of my friends that does know also had a piece for many years and he finally went sly, and he told me two things: 1) he is thrilled he did, and 2) my piece looks really good, much better than his own ever did.  So I'm guessing that most people at my office may be unaware -- but who knows??

Now here's the inspiration that is giving me the courage and the strength to do this finally.  My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and just started her chemo.  Her hair is falling out and we will need to shave her head soon.  Hell, if she can do it so can I finally.  (BTW, prognosis for my wife is reasonably good -- knock wood.)  I'm planning (hoping) to do this with her this Friday.

I'm just really concerned of the office snickering, etc., and career impact.  I am a pretty senior exec at a very large consumer brand company that you all know well.  So I'm very concerned of the office fallout, and potential of decimating my reputation and credibility.

Some of the folks I work with know of my wife's condition, so i suppose i can easily say I did this to bond with her and show support.  Which, truly I would do it even if it were my own hair -- only difference is that it would grow back like hers after 6-ish months.  But I really wouldn't want to use my wife's illness as any sort of cover for my insecurities 22 years ago.  Deep down I'm fearful that would only compound some of the pathetic decisions I have made.  Of course, my wife- always the more insightful one, says to me the other day -- "Use me as cover, it's okay. At least there may be some silver lining in all this!"  Wow.  But I'm still having trouble doing that.

Any thoughts suggestions on how best to manage this in the office?  Do I tell folks-- like the exec I work for and my team that when i come back from vacation the week after next, I'll be shaven clean?  Or do I just come in sly without any heads-up?  Hard to say what's better.  

Also, is there any way I can mask the "shadow" of the hairline?  Go to a tanning booth, self-tanning lotion, powder, anything?  I have one full week only between D-Day and first day back to the office -- that is if I can muster the strength to do it finally this Friday.  Oh, one other thing... I noticed at my last HCM appt that the area where the system is applied is pretty red and bumpy.  Skin irritation clearly from the tape.  Any thoughts on how to treat this and about how long before it goes away?  I uploaded a picture of it -- it's not so nice ...

Thoughts/suggestions on above greatly appreciated!  

[chgobuzzbald]

Most here will endorse the decision to go sly as I will too. BUt what I would say is to also tell the whole truth, that you have had a "piece" and were inspired by your wifes illness to shave and remove the "piece" at the same time. It will be truly easy to be honest with everyone. You can even ask around and see who guessed it was a "piece". Laugh about it, say you were insecure 20 years ago but no longer. (most of us here have a similar story) Very simple and most of all they will RESPECT YOUR CONFIDENCE in telling the whole truth. Then say you have decided not to go back to the "piece" and are CONFIDENT being bald as many other men are today. SUrely there are some bald guys where you work ?

Buy some face cleanser with Salyisilic acid in it like ST Ives Face Scrub and clean your head as you would your face from now on to make the skin less irritated. Try Hydrocortisone Cream as well. Many use Witch Haxel without alcohol as well. You will learn that your scalp skin needs to be cleaned and pampered like face skin to look great. So shave away and be truthful and free.

[Frontier Guy]

Welcome C.R.,

I applaud you for realizing the time may have come to live a less hair-centered existence. If you go sly you will find it so much less stressful. But I'm sure you've gathered that from reading the many posts by dozens of other guys here.

My inclination would be to NOT say anything to your team at work. Although doing so would lay the groundwork and almost force you into following through, I don't think that's the most emotionally healthy approach (being held hostage by your pre-disclosure). Also, telling them now but not showing them for 10 days leaves too much time for office chit-chat. All the better to simply return from vacation as the "new you" and work through the immediate surprise all at once.

A week's time will be enough to get some color on your scalp and to allow your skin to "breathe" and return to normal after the years of adhesive abuse. The hairline shadow will be much more a concern to you, and little if any to others. They will be focused on the overall change versus the minor subtleties.

You can see how the reaction goes, and use the cover of supporting your wife if you wish. But I think that's just going to make it more complicated. How about simply "it was time for a change" and leave it at that and move forward?

Bald is so much more mainstream that I think it is unlikely it will be any hindrance to your career. If anything, your personal confidence will increase and unspoken honesty will shine through.

All in all, seems to me like you've got an ideal opportunity to make a fundamental change in how you feel and present yourself. The positives, in my mind, far outweigh any possible negatives.

Keep us posted. You're welcome here regardless of what you do or don't do.

[nuts]

+1 to the excellent advice as usual from Frontier Guy.

I suspect many know you have a piece so why not return as the new you.  Revel in the cobfidence you will feel when liberated from the tyranny of a hair piece.  Not to mention the savings from release from the clutches of HCM.

Best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery and enjoy life to the full.

[OzSly]

G'Day Crossroads,

Thank-you for sharing your story

+ 1 Frontier Guy and his usual great insight and advice.

Hope everything goes well for you Crossroads mate.

As Nuts mentioned a speedy recovery to your missus.

Oh.....almost forgot....Welcome to the Nude Nut house 

[Lynchy]

Welcome mate,

Can't add to that u there ^

Goodluck!

[Gary~]

In my opinion it is best not to let your office colleagues know that you are going to shave your head. It is also best for you not to over think re how you are going to handle things when you go back to work bald. FG's idea of just saying "it was time for a change..." is a good way to close down the conversations and get on with your work and life. It is unnecessary to explain just why it was time for a change.

Other than having "time for a change" ready don't make any plans, don't think about it and just react intuitively in the moment if situations at work present themselves regarding your baldness.

If other people know about your wife's illness then they will probably assume that you are doing it at this time to support her -- no need to mention it.

[Sir Harry]

Welcome, Crossroads.....I think Frontier Guy pretty much covered everything, but wishing you the best as you go through this transition and most importantly, prayers to your wife for a speedy recovery and continued good health.

[Mikekoz13]

Believe me when I say that most of your office mates KNOW that you have a hair piece. We had the same situation here where I work for many years. A guy had a piece and thought nobody knew..... but EVERYBODY knew..... and made fun of it behind his back. Then a couple of years ago he came back from vacation with no piece and shaved smooth. Nobody even really blinked because he no longer had that raccoon on his head.

You have all the incentive you need..... the woman you Love is sick and needs your support. This isn't the time to be selfish or scared, this is the time to "man up" and do what needs to be done. As scared as you are of what your co-workers will think (and do they REALLY matter?), that pales in comparison to the fear your wife must have right now.

Good luck and Peace and Prayers to your wife and you.

[Blitzed]

Unfortunately we live in a world dedicated to knowing the other fellow's business. As for your office-and there will be questions and comments-you can solve that in one sentence: "As some of you may know my wife is having chemo and has had to shave her head and it seemed unfair not to join her." If they follow up on that, you won't have to punch them out for their crudity, your friends will do it for you. Also, and when she's all repaired and life is good once again, you can throw out the "piece", your head will be tan and you never need bother to wear it again. Best wishes to your lady wife and my congratulations to a husband and a man who knows the best thing to do.

[Frontier Guy]

Believe me when I say that most of your office mates KNOW that you have a hair piece. ...

I wasn't going to mention this, but it is so true. I've known it with many guys I've worked with over the years. This is one time when people tend to be polite and not say anything to you ... but they will discuss it behind your back.

[slyjoe]

Welcome C.R.,

I applaud you for realizing the time may have come to live a less hair-centered existence. If you go sly you will find it so much less stressful. But I'm sure you've gathered that from reading the many posts by dozens of other guys here.

My inclination would be to NOT say anything to your team at work. Although doing so would lay the groundwork and almost force you into following through, I don't think that's the most emotionally healthy approach (being held hostage by your pre-disclosure). Also, telling them now but not showing them for 10 days leaves too much time for office chit-chat. All the better to simply return from vacation as the "new you" and work through the immediate surprise all at once.

A week's time will be enough to get some color on your scalp and to allow your skin to "breathe" and return to normal after the years of adhesive abuse. The hairline shadow will be much more a concern to you, and little if any to others. They will be focused on the overall change versus the minor subtleties.

You can see how the reaction goes, and use the cover of supporting your wife if you wish. But I think that's just going to make it more complicated. How about simply "it was time for a change" and leave it at that and move forward?

Bald is so much more mainstream that I think it is unlikely it will be any hindrance to your career. If anything, your personal confidence will increase and unspoken honesty will shine through.

All in all, seems to me like you've got an ideal opportunity to make a fundamental change in how you feel and present yourself. The positives, in my mind, far outweigh any possible negatives.

Keep us posted. You're welcome here regardless of what you do or don't do.

+1

[Papa Don]

Welcome Crossroads!  My prayers for your wife to have a speedy recovery.  IMHO, the truth always is the best policy. 

[Switchy]

Welcome crossroads !

[Hingatao]

I can only echo what the others have already said. Regarding your concerns about it impacting your career: I fail to see how going sly, and manning up to having worn a piece, could possibly impact your career. Most people probably won't even care.