was I a bad person? - page 1 -

• was I a bad person? by SBG Math Guy on 23 Nov, 2008 16:13
• I can't believe I'm asking this.  Ok, I have moved away from my family to do graduate studies
  in another city.  In this new city I knew that there is an old friend of mine who has moved here
  5 years ago.  So I thought hey why not give him a call.  He just came back from a trip back
  home to the Middle East.   Well, one of the first few things he tells me is "can I move in with you?
  
  I live by myself in a bachelor apartment and you know graduate studies is difficult, can't afford any distractions.
  He told me he can't afford to pay rent for now so if he can move in with me for sometime he'd appreciate it.
  I thought ok you know I'm a "people pleaser" so I said I can let you stay with me for 5 days because my final exams will begin soon so I will need to focus.  I could see he wasn't happy.  He goes on saying "I can pay for my
  food you know, I just don't have enough to pay rent".    We ended the phone conversation by having me saying ok I will think about it.  Ever since that talk (which happened last week)  I have closed my cell phone so that he doesn't call me.     I really got angry to be honest because we are not "too close" of friends so for me to offer 5 days he should have been grateful.  He did not finish his undergraduate studies because it was too hard, so I thought he should have known that graduate studies is even more difficult.
  
  But still I feel guilty because usually I give people what they want.  What would you have done in my situation? Would you have offered him to stay for 3 weeks or so (that's what he really wanted!!)?   Thanks for your thoughts.
• #1 by Timmay on 23 Nov, 2008 17:02
• I dont think you were wrong.  You are an adult and know what you can and cant do.  Who is to say that the 5 days would have turned into 2 weeks, the 2 weeks turn into a month and so on..you get my drift. 
  Though, what I think you did wrong was closed your cell phone.  You only did that because you were afraid he was going to keep calling you abou it.  YOu need to stand firm on your beliefs.  Let them know when you say No, it means NO.  Sure he is your friend and all, but you have to know what has gotten him into the situation he has got himself into.  Could it have been drugs, just not being responsible ...etc. 
  Do not beat yourself up on this, just make sure you understand to yourself that it is what you felt was best for YOU!. 
• #2 by Rob on 23 Nov, 2008 17:07
• I think you did the right thing.  If he'd been a really close/old friend then maybe you could have let him stay, but I agree that a week turns into a month and a month into six and before you know it you just can't turn them out, so I think you should be glad you didnt say yes on this occasion
• #3 by Mr. Wilson on 23 Nov, 2008 17:09
• Tell him to get a fucking job.
• #4 by TheSlyBear on 23 Nov, 2008 17:21
• Quote from: kim on 23 Nov, 2008 17:09

  Tell him to get a f**king job.

  
  Nice!
• #5 by b.driscoll on 23 Nov, 2008 17:43
• Sounds like a 'sponge'  to me......5 days turns into 5 months. You did the right thing.
• #6 by TheSlyBear on 23 Nov, 2008 18:04
• You were not wrong, math. I can tell you all kind of stories from people I know about friends  or relatives who move in "just until I get back on my feet".
• #7 by Brkeatr on 23 Nov, 2008 18:10
• I agree with the rest....stick with your decision !   
• #8 by Mikekoz13 on 23 Nov, 2008 19:10
• You made the correct decision Math. What would he have done if you had not moved there?
• #9 by SBG Math Guy on 23 Nov, 2008 20:08
• well thanks guys.  I guess I will use this experience to stand up for what is good
  for me for once. 
  
  And kim, nice advice.   
  I should tell him that the next time he calls me.
• #10 by Mr. Wilson on 23 Nov, 2008 20:36
• If he gets mad at you, just say its tough love.
• #11 by andrew on 23 Nov, 2008 21:57
• I think you'd regret allowing him to move in.   This guy is looking to sponge off someone, and why should you support him?   Also, you'd likely have trouble getting rid of him once he moved in and had nowhere else to go.
  
  
• #12 by bubbadave3 on 24 Nov, 2008 04:45
• I'm also in grad school right now.  I'm between classes, but I know just how focused I need to be when classes are in session.  Either I've got my nose in a book, or I'm at the library preparing for my next paper.  I wouldn't appreciate the distraction.  You recognized that you can be a "people pleaser" and responded to the situation correctly.  If you had given in, then you would most likely have been secretly seething inside, hoping to see him leave every second of every day.  I don't get the sense that he's taking responsibility for his own life.  (For what it's worth, I'm going for my Master's degree in Pastoral Counseling.  I plan on working with guys who lived through clergy sexual abuse).
• #13 by Alexander215 on 24 Nov, 2008 05:17
• I'd tell him very politely that there just isn't the space and leave it at that. The situation might be different if you were best buds
• #14 by SlyHigh on 24 Nov, 2008 06:08
• I agree with everyone here.  It sounds like he would likely be staying for more than 5 days.  You think it's hard to say no now, try kicking him out later.  All you have to say is that you thought about it and feel it's best he not move in.  Leave it at that.  Tell him it's nothing personal, just that you don't want ANY roommate right now.  Offer to keep your eye out for places to live for him.