Some of you are probably tired of reading my crap, and I apologize to those of you that feels tired about it. It's not my meaning to fill all the boards with my thoughts and crap but I want you to get a perspective of me. And mostly because it seems easier to talk about it here than anywhere else *you don't know me, I don't know you*. Also because we all have this hair thing in common.
I will try to tell about my problems in a larger view, why I'm this stalker. Why I still don't know myself, can't be anyone, I got mixed feelings about everything, I lie a lot about myself. I have almost forgot the kid I once were, even though I must forget him, I can't. I feel that I will never grow up or get anywhere.
I'm very very suspicious towards everything, when I go out/seeing my friend/when he calls me/go to the gym/shopping. I don't want anyone to see me when I go out, I'm hiding but everyone can see me. If I get eye contact with anyone, it feels like I have to go away from that person right away. I'm always afraid of seeing someone that I know when I'm outside my place.
The thing is, I spend so much time thinking about myself, others, even what kind of answers I will get from you guys, what will your response be. I can answer my questions but I can't because I know, I don't know myself and no one else know whom I'm.
I like being alone even though it's not good for me. It's the only time I'm not scared, I can be myself and think about myself. But it's not helping very much, I can feel that nobody will understand me if I find the one I'm. I think that people will just laugh at me, and say that I'm strange. Saying everyone got problems, everyone have to deal with them. I don't have a problem, It's feels like it is something else.
I think I know why I'm like this, its because of childhood. Have so much hate towards my mum and dad, against the society, people around me. I have had this hate ever since I was 8years old and my mum and dad divorced, and I had to move abroad, to a country where I cant even speak the native language. Ever since I have never felt home anywhere.
In school people always laughed at me when I said something, even the teachers. Even though I didn't really care back then if i got bullied or was different, because I had so much problems at home. It was a fight between me,my dad, my mum, my stepfather.
I made some promises to myself that I have kept for myself. That I will hate my parents forever and never talk to them,.When I move out of house, I'm just gonna disappear, I will never let them see my kids/wife if I get any.
My dad and mum have never ever been able to talk with each other about me, where I should live because I have always wanted to live in Sweden during my childhood, my home country, where I could feel home. I have always had to be some kind of intermediary between them. Where my mum tells me that my dad is some kind of freak and my dad tells me that my mum is a whore, in short. And I had to hear this my entire school time. Even though I have said to them that I don't wanna hear it I have still had to be the intermediary. It's a pain to hear all the hate they got towards each other, to hear it in words, they have never understood that I can think myself. I could even hear my mum speaking with siblings/ her friends about what she thought about my dad. My dad always starts a discussion where he want me to believe that my mum is the bad one. I have even had to break stuff to get out my anger on them but do they change? NO! They still torture me. I hate hate them, even though I like them, I only wished they could hear me

really started to hate myself and all people around me. I hate the world, everyday I have to think about this.
Everyday I think about myself, feel like the biggest looser with no friends, never been able to maintain a job, I don't know what I'm good at. I can't do sports on serious level because of my knee injury. I don't feel home anywhere.
I wish I was dead, never been born, I was somebody else.
I just want to tell whatever opinion you might have on me, you don't have to feel any guilt, I know I'm a pathetic lost little kid, a problem in short. I know the world don't have a place for people like me. That's why I'm fighting myself so I can find myself a place where I belong.