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I wish I was dead, never been born, I was somebody else. by william on 30 Jul, 2008 06:58
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Some of you are probably tired of reading my crap, and I apologize to those of you that feels tired about it. It's not my meaning to fill all the boards with my thoughts and crap but I want you to get a perspective of me. And mostly because it seems easier to talk about it here than anywhere else *you don't know me, I don't know you*. Also because we all have this hair thing in common.
I will try to tell about my problems in a larger view, why I'm this stalker. Why I still don't know myself, can't be anyone, I got mixed feelings about everything, I lie a lot about myself. I have almost forgot the kid I once were, even though I must forget him, I can't. I feel that I will never grow up or get anywhere.
I'm very very suspicious towards everything, when I go out/seeing my friend/when he calls me/go to the gym/shopping. I don't want anyone to see me when I go out, I'm hiding but everyone can see me. If I get eye contact with anyone, it feels like I have to go away from that person right away. I'm always afraid of seeing someone that I know when I'm outside my place.
The thing is, I spend so much time thinking about myself, others, even what kind of answers I will get from you guys, what will your response be. I can answer my questions but I can't because I know, I don't know myself and no one else know whom I'm.
I like being alone even though it's not good for me. It's the only time I'm not scared, I can be myself and think about myself. But it's not helping very much, I can feel that nobody will understand me if I find the one I'm. I think that people will just laugh at me, and say that I'm strange. Saying everyone got problems, everyone have to deal with them. I don't have a problem, It's feels like it is something else.
I think I know why I'm like this, its because of childhood. Have so much hate towards my mum and dad, against the society, people around me. I have had this hate ever since I was 8years old and my mum and dad divorced, and I had to move abroad, to a country where I cant even speak the native language. Ever since I have never felt home anywhere.
In school people always laughed at me when I said something, even the teachers. Even though I didn't really care back then if i got bullied or was different, because I had so much problems at home. It was a fight between me,my dad, my mum, my stepfather.
I made some promises to myself that I have kept for myself. That I will hate my parents forever and never talk to them,.When I move out of house, I'm just gonna disappear, I will never let them see my kids/wife if I get any.
My dad and mum have never ever been able to talk with each other about me, where I should live because I have always wanted to live in Sweden during my childhood, my home country, where I could feel home. I have always had to be some kind of intermediary between them. Where my mum tells me that my dad is some kind of freak and my dad tells me that my mum is a whore, in short. And I had to hear this my entire school time. Even though I have said to them that I don't wanna hear it I have still had to be the intermediary. It's a pain to hear all the hate they got towards each other, to hear it in words, they have never understood that I can think myself. I could even hear my mum speaking with siblings/ her friends about what she thought about my dad. My dad always starts a discussion where he want me to believe that my mum is the bad one. I have even had to break stuff to get out my anger on them but do they change? NO! They still torture me. I hate hate them, even though I like them, I only wished they could hear me
really started to hate myself and all people around me. I hate the world, everyday I have to think about this.
Everyday I think about myself, feel like the biggest looser with no friends, never been able to maintain a job, I don't know what I'm good at. I can't do sports on serious level because of my knee injury. I don't feel home anywhere.
I wish I was dead, never been born, I was somebody else.
I just want to tell whatever opinion you might have on me, you don't have to feel any guilt, I know I'm a pathetic lost little kid, a problem in short. I know the world don't have a place for people like me. That's why I'm fighting myself so I can find myself a place where I belong.
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#1 by RodgerDodger on 30 Jul, 2008 07:21
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William put those negative feelings aside. They're gonna eat you up inside and destroy you. Be postive about life and good things will come your way.
Seriously William you're sort of sounding paranoid. I know your not. It's all
coming from bad experiences. You don't want to be a zombie on perscription meds. If you lighten up and look at the bright side of life, you'll be much happier and healthier.
Rodger, Over and Out
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#2 by MagmaBabe on 30 Jul, 2008 07:32
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William, I'm not going to pussy-foot around.. I think that you need help, and the help that
you need is more than what we can give you on the forum.
From reading all of your posts, we'll do our best to give you advice but you have some major personal issues that
are even beyond our help. I think that you should get some psychiatric help.
That's my honest opinion. -
#3 by Razor X on 30 Jul, 2008 07:33
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William, I think you need some professional help sorting through these issues, which nobody here is qualified to provide. Professional counseling can make a big difference. Please consider it.
Good luck. -
#4 by RodgerDodger on 30 Jul, 2008 07:49
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Before seeking professional help try to help your self William. Put those bad life experiences away. They're pulling you down.
My major concern with Magma's and Razor's suggestion for professional help is that it will involve some kind of perscription drugs. They can be helpful but many times they can do more damage then help.
Be strong William and try to work through this on your own. You know you have a great support group here to cheer you on.
Rodger, Over and Out
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#5 by andrew on 30 Jul, 2008 08:38
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William,
Your experiences coming from a divorced family are not uncommon. One thing I learned, through a parenting class required in my state during the divorce process, was to avoid putting the kids inbetween the mother and father. It's a very common occurrence and one that creates big problems for the kids on an ongoing basis throughout their lives.
As others have recommended, I think you'd be wise to seek some help from a clinical psychologist. Talk therapy will allow you to get these issues off your chest, once and for all, and allow you to chart a course moving forward, putting theses issues behind you.
Andrew -
#6 by schro on 30 Jul, 2008 09:37
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I think face to face help might be better than a website.
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#7 by BlackJamesRackham on 30 Jul, 2008 09:45
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Yeah I agree...I would try and seek out a doctor or professional
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#8 by Timmay on 30 Jul, 2008 09:46
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I just believe he is in a tough situation and probably knows he needs to talk with someone. But to actually letting go of your pride and doing it is harder to do than one would think. It is easy for all of us to sit here and say go seek some help, talk with someone. Its almost like we need to go there...and drag his butt there. I know if I was in your town bro...I would hop right on over and load your ass up and take you in. Like my parents use to say...its called "Tough Love" if someone cared enough about you ( that is if you have opened up to someone and let them know) they would make sure you were on your way to recovery.
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#9 by william on 30 Jul, 2008 11:17
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Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. Not gonna say it has made huge impact on me even though you are trying to help me.
To my reality, I refuse to believe that any Dr.Phil alike person can help me or any perscription drugs. I don't like asking for help but I know I might need it. That's why I posted this.
I know I should put all my bad feelings aside and think in a more positive way. That's why I have been playing a lot of computer games even though I have stopped with it, since I shaved my head. I have decided to change myself but I don't know. I'm confused and a problem that needs to be solved.
I read Tyler's post about being a pleaser, and that's sort of whom I have raised myself to be. I really don't like people who don't care for others, I'm not saying this to you.
I know this a forum/site for head shaving, balding guys but it also seems like a very good place to get any kind of help and this you could say is my second step towards helping myself. First I have decided that I need help, seek for help. And now I have told someone about my problems and can get perspective of what needs to be done. I know I will need more help and this is only the beginning. -
#10 by MagmaBabe on 30 Jul, 2008 11:26
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Before seeking professional help try to help your self William. Put those bad life experiences away. They're pulling you down.
My major concern with Magma's and Razor's suggestion for professional help is that it will involve some kind of perscription drugs. They can be helpful but many times they can do more damage then help.
Be strong William and try to work through this on your own. You know you have a great support group here to cheer you on.
Rodger, Over and Out William put those negative feelings aside. They're gonna eat you up inside and destroy you. Be postive about life and good things will come your way.
Seriously William you're sort of sounding paranoid. I know your not. It's all
coming from bad experiences. You don't want to be a zombie on perscription meds. If you lighten up and look at the bright side of life, you'll be much happier and healthier.
Okay, firstly, I think it's pretty much obvious that from the posts that William has posted on the forum, that his issues go way beyond any help we can give him.. sure, we'll be here for him, all of us, BUT Rodger, and what I really have a problem with, is that William is a 'man' and these problems stem from childhood.. so they've been building up. I think he may have tried to fight his demons, and not had the right help. That is what I'm recommending he seeks. Some people just aren't strong enough. That's what makes us individuals. I'm not ashamed to say that in my lifetime, I have sought professional help for problems that I've gone through and it helped me a lot. I also have a number of friends, for whatever reason, that have also done the same.
Secondly, I don't know whether you've ever had any mental 'issues' before, but you don't just walk through the door and they prescribe you pills.. you get assessed, which might take a few sessions. Maybe you have quacks prescribing you drugs where you are.. I don't know. Speaking from experience, this is an issue that can't be solved just by talking to us on this forum. -
#11 by Paul on 30 Jul, 2008 11:31
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William, Magma and some of the others here have given you great advice. This IS a forum of support and we are always glad to be here for one another. But in some instances the type of support needed requires professionally trained individuals not just well meaning friends. If these issues are taking up an enormous amount of time from your young life, seek help from professionals and don't waste time that would allow you to be out and enjoying life.
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#12 by dog20 on 30 Jul, 2008 12:21
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Growing up is all about finding your place in life. It can be very overwhelming, I know... from school, to career, to women, to liking yourself, etc. it sucks having doubts, uncertainties, and feeling like you cannot relate to anyone. I don't think this is something you can overcome on your own. I strongly believe you need to talk to people, surround yourself with positive folks, and do some soul searching. You can be happy, you just got to make a lot of changes. I wish I knew exactly what changes would make you feel like a different man, but I think that my suggestions will help you a little bit. We love you William!
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#13 by Razor X on 30 Jul, 2008 12:42
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Secondly, I don't know whether you've ever had any mental 'issues' before, but you don't just walk through the door and they prescribe you pills.. you get assessed, which might take a few sessions. Maybe you have quacks prescribing you drugs where you are.. I don't know. Speaking from experience, this is an issue that can't be solved just by talking to us on this forum.
I agree. Prescription drugs weren't even something I had in mind when I suggested that William seek professional help. But if he does need to be medicated, that decision is one that will be made by William with the advice of a trained professional. None of us here is qualified to make that determination based on what he's posted to an internet forum.
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#14 by Timmay on 30 Jul, 2008 12:47
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Razor, but bro...we need to help support this guy to help coax him into going somewhere and getting some help. If we all just sit here and just say go talk to a professional and just leaving it at that it is going to sound like no one cares. Almost like you dont want to deal with it. Im sorry, Im going to leave how I wrote that but please understand I am not rakin you across the coals. I just always have the tendency to sit and listen to someone talk about their problems. I may or may not have any words for them but at least they know I care when they can sit and talk and to know that it will not go any further than the two of us. It sounds to me like he has a big Trust issue too and that is what he needs right now too, is trust. Trust that we are going to help lead him in the right direction.