Shaved my head, but not a big success story

[Whysosly]

Hi fellow sly bald guys.

A quick background story, I'm a 24 year old male from the Netherlands and I began shaving my head about a year ago.

At first I was pleasantly surprised about the shape of my head and the fact that it actually looked pretty good on me (better than I suspected).

The first few months I thought I was okay with it, I got allot of positive responses from people, also some negative ones (people who asked, why don't you grow it out? they apparently hadn't noticed I was covering it up"), but overall things went better than I suspected.

For some reason, as time progressed instead of getting used to it, I seem to be feeling more and more down about the fact that I have no hair anymore.
This might sound shallow, but I always put allot of effort in my looks, I also go to the gym allot. And now that my hair is all gone I feel like part of my identity has been ripped away (as sad as that might sound).

For some reason I seem to think in my head constantly that people are judging me for my shaved head even though in reality I find that people really don't treat me all that differently than they used to. And when things go wrong I tend to want to blame it on me being bald, instead of anything else. Now I know there are many people that are bald, but at my age to have a totally shaved head is pretty rare, which is why I usually stand out quite obviously in a group of people.

I realise that I am responsible for creating this problem in my head, but even though I am aware of this, I can't seem to get past this way of thinking.

So the stupid thing is, I'm very aware where my line of thinking is wrong, but for some reason I'm not able to correct it on my own.

My question to you guys is, have any of you had similar issues, how did u deal with it? I'm thinking about getting some professional help, but I would only do this as a last resort.

[isleepinthebuff]

I'd suggest you do get some professional help as it may not be something you can sort on your own.

I assume you have MPB, so the thing is what would happen if you grew it? How bad would it look? How would that make you feel?

The question is, if it would look worse then by shaving it you're making the best of yourself. You're also doing that by going to the gym.

So at the end of the day you have to just have confidence in yourself.

Put into context, there are people without limbs, horrifc burns, physical disabilities, these people have far more to face and often do it whilst achieving  a lot and more than able bodied people do. In some ways you have to give yourself a reality check and think you know what things aren't that bad. You get one shot at this life, embrace it, don't waste it over the small thing. 

[Marshal S.]

I have not had those issues, and I'm sorry to hear you have.  You are probably right that not too many care about your lack of hair. What is true is that people pick up on the fact that you do not like how you look.  If you don't like it shaved, you do not have to keep it that way.  I say it is your hair and your head.  If you like it, I love it.  So do what you like.  I support you, whatever you do.

[Whysosly]

I'd suggest you do get some professional help as it may not be something you can sort on your own.

I assume you have MPB, so the thing is what would happen if you grew it? How bad would it look? How would that make you feel?

The question is, if it would look worse then by shaving it you're making the best of yourself. You're also doing that by going to the gym.

So at the end of the day you have to just have confidence in yourself.

Put into context, there are people without limbs, horrifc burns, physical disabilities, these people have far more to face and often do it whilst achieving  a lot and more than able bodied people do. In some ways you have to give yourself a reality check and think you know what things aren't that bad. You get one shot at this life, embrace it, don't waste it over the small thing. 

Yes I have mpb, and pretty bad for my age, in the back, on top, my temples have only slightly receded. I was able to cover it up with long hair and some tricks, but increasingly difficult to a point where people started noticing which is why I decided to shave it off. I knew when I shaved it off I couldn't go back, because growing it out now would result in a huge bald spot on the top and the back of my head, until it becomes long enough again to cover it up, which would probably take more than a year. So yes I think that would look considerably worse than my shaved head.

You make a valid point that there are people out there with much bigger problems, I wish this line of reasoning would work for me, because then I would never have to worry about anything in life anymore, since there's always people with bigger problems.

I understand that going bald is a big deal for everyone, but I think I would have been able to accept it easier if I was 30-40, since now I'm still very young, looks are a (bigger) important part of my identity, and my looks have changed so drastically over the last couple of years (for the worse in my experience). I find it hard to deal with this.

But maybe you are right, maybe professional help would be the right step forward.

I was just wondering if there are people on these forums that have had similar experiences and how they dealt with it, since pretty much all I read here is success story's of empowerment, which is great but it does make me feel kinda alone in my experience.

[isleepinthebuff]

You're not alone. Check most of the stories on here, most people including myself felt low when the realisation happens it's going / gone. That's why this site is called Sly bald guys. Lot's of people go bald but sly is about looking at it positively.

You're a young guy and I know that in some ways make it worse. However I think "jesus christ, I'm sliding towards 50 and bald". What I'm saying is we all have our hang-ups and adding baldness to it isn't easy. But what I do know is when I'm running on the treadmill at the gym, I'm more comfortable seeing my bald head from behind than the bald ptach I used to see 

It's never an over night transition and sometimes self-doubt can be good otherwise you might be arrogant! As long as you can manage it!

[Tim1776]

Hey Whysosly,

Good post.

I'd agree with Slyest - it wouldn't be a bad idea to go talk to a professional therapist.  There is NO shame in that, and they can help you sort through some of the feelings of loss that you're experiencing.  Many guys refuse to look into that option, for fear of appearing or feeling weak, but it's a very good option to try.  Just think of it as another kind of workout, but for your mental health.

Secondly, it's PERFECTLY normal to have some ups and downs here.  You're a young guy, and most of your friends probably still have all/most of their hair.  And it was a big part of your identity, so it's NATURAL that it would be a blow.  Don't feel bad about feeling bad!  It's to be expected, and you're not abnormal for feeling that way.

Third, you know that it's in your head, and that's a good thing.  If you keep trying to stay positive and focus on the good things (you look good, people treat you the same as before), in time, you'll better get over it and start to feel much more confident.  For now, do your best to act confident until you start to really believe it.  Over the next few years, it will happen to more of your friends (not all, but some), and you won't feel quite so isolated in it all.

In short, your way of thinking isn't "wrong" at all.  I'm not telling you to sulk, or to feel like a victim, but it's ok to mourn the loss of your hair!  Grieving is how we get over things, and for a lot of guys - especially young guys who put a lot of identity in their hair (you and me when I was your age) - it's a really tough experience!  Your experience is completely valid, so don't feel like you're not "manning up" to it all by not completely embracing it right away.  Keep your chin up, and you'll get there!

Tim

[Whysosly]

Thank you Slyest and Tim for your kind supportive words, it means allot to me.

It feels good to hear from people who have gone through a similar situation, and that I'm not alone in the fact that I feel very down about my hairloss (even after shaving it off), I often feel alone because so few people my age have a shaved head, people often ask me why I shaved it off and some even think I might have done it because I lost a bet or something. And yes I feel very envious when I see people my age with nice haircuts and I know I will never have the feeling of a fresh haircut again.

It's just hard when society expects you to just accept it, when you talk to people who don't experience hairloss themselves they will often say "just shave it off' and then from one day to the next you are supposed to just accept it.

I will look into the option of a professional therapist, I feel strengthened to do so by your post Tim, so thank you for that.

[Razor X]

What you need to do -- and admittedly, it is easier said than done -- is let go of the things you can't control.  Forget about what you looked like with a full head of hair, because that really isn't an option anymore.  Concentrate instead on looking your best with what you've got to work with.  More likely than not that is going to mean a shaved head because a completely bald head is far preferable to one sporting the tatters of a once glorious mane. 

Being bald is a lot easier than being baldING. So the sooner you can make that transition, the sooner you can put the issue behind you and get on with your life.  You don't have to love the new look -- just tell yourself that it's something you've got to live with. But you'll be surprised at how quickly your outlook will change.  Most of us started exactly where you are right now.  Take that leap of faith and listen to those of us who have been in your shoes.  It does get better.

[slymyke]

Whysosly,

I agree with so much of what has already been said. 

I would add that one way to help with confidence in daily living with a bald head, is to own it personally.  If you can forget about the "balding" part and just remember that you shaved or buzzed your head because you wanted to (choosing to forget  why), you can start to "own" it.  Then if someone asks you why you did it, the answer is a bold, "because I wanted to".. Enough said...move on.   And if someone asks why you don't grow it back, the answer could be, "because I like it like this".   Deep down, you may be wishing you had a full head of awesome hair, but knowing that you look good with the bald head is huge.  Is it a lie to say, "I like it like this?"... not if you put it in context of what the other option is.  --they don't have to know how it bothers you.. and when they see your bold confidence, they will respect it, and you will feel even better about it.
 

[mrzed]

I would not wait on counselling as a last resort.  These sorts of things are easier to deal with earlier than later.  Less to unpack.  Just like going into depression and getting out.  The sooner you work on it the less time it takes to get out.

[Cave Dweller]

I think there is a little vanity in most of us, and that if a majority of we MPBs are honest with ourselves, we probably would admit that although we may prefer being Sly to having the bald spot or horseshoe, there are times we miss the full head of hair we once had. Baldness was not something we chose.

So take comfort in knowing you are not alone. We can rationalize how superfluous hair loss is when compared to what COULD be going wrong in our lives, but it doesn't mean we don't still feel at least some anxiety and sadness at the prospect of going bald once it starts. Something tells me you were "brave" and never really let yourself feel what your true emotions may have been before you shaved. That might mean those emotions are just now hitting you.

If talking it out with a therapist or here on this board will help you, then do it.

And welcome, sir!

[Marshal S.]

As a therapist, I do not think you need to go to therapy just yet.  If you came to me at my office, I would probably see you twice.  Once for me to give you some exercises in self talking, and the next time for you to tell me you feel much better and you will call me if that changes--which you wouldn't.

So here are your exercises:
-Make a list of what you like about yourself.  Re-read that list frequently to remind you about what is good about you.
-When you start thinking people are judging you for your appearance, interrupt yourself by saying, "That doesn't matter.  I'm a good person."  Do that every time those thoughts intrude on you even if it's ten times in a row.  Say it out loud if you have to.
-When you look in the mirror, say "I look good."  (Do this no matter what way you choose to cut your hair.)  If you feel good about it, others will sense this.
-Get out in public with supportive friends.  Doing that will help you get used to the fact that it isn't as big of a deal to them as your mind was telling you.
-Answer honestly when people ask.  "Why did you shave your head?"  "Because I was losing my hair anyway, and I think this looks better."  This is for friends and family.  The nosey stranger on the street doesn't need an answer.  Let them know that you don't appreciate the question.  If friends and family want to give their opinion, say, "Thank you" and take it for what it's worth.

Try all of this for two weeks.  If you don't start to feel better, then go to a therapist where you are.  If you do feel better, which I suspect you will, then keep doing these things I told you.  Keep at it until you believe it--because it is true.

[Magoo]

Marshal S. , great piece of advice . One thing about this forum , their is a vast amount of experience and knowledge , freely and generously given.

[Mike E. P.]

I've got a similar story.  I began losing my hair at 17 and constantly worried people were noticing.  Unlike you, I never talked to anyone about it and that made things worse for me.  I was always thinking about it.  Balding WAS worse than being bald. At times, I just wished the balding process would just get on with it and I could go to being totally bald.  Then I realized (then - I mean like 15 years later!) I could just shave it myself.  For me that was the beginning to feeling better about myself.

Now I'm 50 and I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it anymore.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and wish I had a full head of hair - but that ain't never gonna happen!  I do know that I look a helluva lot better bald than I did when I was trying to pretend I wasn't balding.  

And I too knew that it was crazy to place my self worth on my hair - but it's hard to come to terms with losing your hair.  Eventually I did learn to focus on the positive things about me.  I may not have hair, but I take care of myself, I'm clean, neat, well dressed and most of all I am a good and kind person.  I look in the mirror most days and like what I see.  You'll get there too.  Maybe talking to a counselor will get you there sooner than I did.

[Marshal S.]

Marshal S. , great piece of advice . One thing about this forum , their is a vast amount of experience and knowledge , freely and generously given.

That's pretty much what I'd do if he came to see me in person.  By the way, I'll be sending the bill for my fee soon. . .