Thinking About Shaving My Head - need advice

[BrianFromCalifornia]

Hi,

I'm 46 years old and have been a "client" for 23 long years.  Amazing to me that I've been wearing a "system" for half of my life at this point.  Well, I'm finally at the moment in my life when all of the forces to get me to give this up seem to be converging. 

First, emotionally I've come to terms with living without hair.  I doubt that I could have felt this way a few years ago but now with multiple children and approaching the age of 50, I feel confident that I'll be happier without the hair. 

Second, the woman who does my hair has begun to sense that I'd be happier without the hair and she has even begun to talk to me about it.  She's suggested that I grow a beard and start wearing glasses and then go for it.

Third, my wife is going through a very difficult time with her health.  Sadly, she was diagnosed two months ago with breast cancer that required three surgeries and she's now finishing her second round of chemotherapy.  Fortunately, her prognosis is great but unfortunately she needs to undergo some brutal chemotherapy for the next few months.

Because of the chemotherapy, she has lost all of her hair and she's wearing a wig most of the time mainly to make our young children feel more comfortable.  However, the topic has come up of my shaving my head to support her and it strikes me that this would be a good time to “pull the plug” and shave my head now as I wouldn't have to explain as much to people. 

I figure that if I shave now, I can say that I did it to support my wife and little will be made of it.  Most people would simply accept that I started shaving my head to support her and not ask a lot of potentially embarrassing questions about how my hair used to look.  I thought about shaving my head last year but decided not to do it then because I didn't want to deal with all the questions about my old hair.  Now it seems like this might be an ideal time to take the plunge without raising a lot of eyebrows.

So now I’m at the stage of planning my escape – my escape from my “system”.  I’m hoping that others can lend me some wisdom on how best to do this. 

When would be the best time to do it? 

Should I grow a beard?  Should I wear glasses? 

Do I completely shave everything or leave some stubble? 

Do I announce that I’m planning to do this or do I just do it and surprise people?

One concern I have is that I work in a relatively high profile position and I have some concern about rocking the boat too much. A piece of me says that shaving my head will make me look older and could affect my position in the company.  I know this is probably not a valid concern but it is still something I think about.  How do I limit the “shock” value of doing this?

Thank you so much for any advice you can offer.

Brian

[chgobuzzbald]

You don't describe yourself but being fit and toned goes well with the sly bald look and gives an impression of youth and vigor. A recent study linked on this site somewhere noted guys with shaved heads were seen as more in command than guys with longer hair. It is also likely some may have guessed you wear a system or program or unit as they are called anyway. My advice is never ask or disclose in advance of your haircut plans, really it is just giving up your power to others. Do it and explain about your wife and never look back. I mean a total shave, not a buzz which would only reveal you have less hair growing and it must have been a system before. If you need to get in shape or lose weight then do that for a couple months and then reveal the new you later. Other guys here have had the same concerns and went for it.

[nuts]

Sorry about your wife and hope she continues to recover well.

There are a number of men on SBG who have ditched a rug  - hopefully some of them will send their thoughts perhaps in personal messages.  frankly I don't think hairpieces fool anyone and although biased I think a shaved head or short hair is much preferable.  I'm in Oz and many top execs have shaved heads and no one turns a hair (so to speak).  I like the beard bald combo but everyons is different.  There are numberous combinations on the board and most look great.

Personally I would not tell anyone beforehand what you plan to do but with your wife's situation everyone will assume you shaved to support her.  I am sure she will feel that support.

All the best with your decision but anything to get rid of a hairpiece is a great move.

[Sir Harry]

Welcome, Brian!

Believe it or not, we have many members who are/were clients of the "system". I think that a head shave in support of your wife is a great idea. As far as the professional side, if you do your job well, it's going to probably be a non-issue for most, save for a couple of people who may have the need to comment just to be seen and/or heard; but you seem like a guy strong enough to keep it short and sweet with those people (telling them about doing it in support of your wife should be a perfect explanation). As far as the glasses and/or facial hair, there is nothing wrong with experimenting to see what looks best for you with your new haircut; like a shaved head, glasses and beards don't have to be permanent. Getting fit is a good idea for anyone regardless of how much hair they wish to keep. Good luck to you and keep us posted, and finally, your wife is in my prayers and I wish her continued good health.

[Laser Man]

First, I'm sorry to hear about your wife's illness.  Second, I think shaving your head as a sign of support for her is a great idea.  My advice is to just do it and don't worry about what other people think / say.  If people ask why you made the change, simply answer that it's in support of your wife.  No one will question that.  After a short time, the questions will stop.

[mrzed]

Welcome.  You'll find lots of support no matter what you decide.

Glasses or beard , optional accessories for a bald head.

Bald head, far better than a system. Looks sharp. Feels great. Easy care. 

And you have the perfect 'excuse' to change.  To support your wife.  Then You just like it so you keep it.

I might tell a close friend in advance . I did.  Shock value, is short lived.  Like when i got my eating.  Only one guy knew.  Give it a week and the shock is over and people get used to it. You've god a good reason that is easy to explain.  Go for it.

[xnewyawka]

Welcome Brian, you've come to the right place for positive encouragement with your hair loss and how to go about ditching the "system."
I will echo what all the guys have said, and add that you should not feel any need to answer to anyone but yourself.
There are plenty of ways to go about it, but if you want to show support to your wife, then shaving it off smooth would be best. It's really between you and her, and no one else should have a thing to say, especially your co-workers.

[leighmundo40]

Hey there and welcome.

Firstly, I have to say that I disagree with the opinion held by a number of guys on here that if you wear a hair piece/system/rug/dead rat etc etc that it looks horrendous and you are kidding yourself and everyone knows and think you look crap.. simply not the case with a lot of today's hair replacement, technology has advanced massively on how they are made, and that route works for lots of guys (and gals!)

Secondly, as someone who went through a similar story, albeit without having a poorly loved one, when I decided that I'd had enough of the monthly trips, upkeep etc, I planned 6months in advance what I was going to do. I started by planting a seed in my colleagues mind that I was considering an image change. I booked two weeks from work and did the deed. My stylist started clippering at a certain length and carried on until I felt happy (actually, kind of emotional to say goodbye!)

I took the rest of my holiday tme to get used to the new look and use some fake tan spray to even up the colour on my forehead and face. It WAS horrendously nervewracking going back to work, but I slapped on a confident smile and braved it out. Some people said nothing, didnt notice (I was asked if I'd lost weight!" others said "Suits you!" only one said it made me look older!

Reading your post, it seems that all the planets have aligned to tell you to make that move. Take it as slow or as fast as you feel comfortable with. You are more than welcome to PM me if you want to know anything else.

Good luck!

[isleepinthebuff]

I've told this story here before but I worked with a guy who did weekend shifts and had a full head of hair, he got  a permanent full time job and came in with hsi head shaved. Until that time it had never dawned on me he wore a wig but from his shadow it was obvious the full mane wasn't his.

There was a bit of whispering, that's human nature but no one cared and I think by mid morning no one was giving it a thought.

Do what you feel comfortable with. Not sure why wearing glasses has been suggested - do you need glasses then, or wear contacts. I personally wouldn't go for too big a change. Maybe grow a beard first, see if you like that, then release yourself into baldness. Do what makes you comfortable, listen to what you want and you'll be confident

[geeman]

Welcome...do it...you'll feel so much better...and any anxiety will vanish...and very quickly people will be used to it...its not a big deal to others...I got virtually no reaction...apart from a couple of "wow you look different" no negatives really...I hope your wife doesn't suffer too bad with the chemo... It is tough... But I'm sure you'll be her rock...keep us posted

[BrianFromCalifornia]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the support and advice.  Now it's up to me to support my wife and gather the courage to take the plunge.  It's actually a lot scarier than I ever thought it would be.  Not sure I can do it but I'm giving this a lot of thought.  i'm discussing it with my wife who's supportive of whatever I decide to do.  And that's for the well wishes for my wife - it's going to be a long road but she's doing great so far with this nasty chemo.  We have excellent doctors and supportive friends and family. 

[Timmer]

Quite honestly, I look younger with no hair because mine is silver, grey and white.  My beard is as well, but for some reason, people don't comment on that as much.

The only regrets I've ever had are for the times I've let mine grow back. 

I prefer to wet-shave mine.  I like the process of shaving.  It helps me to focus first thing in the morning.  Because if you try to shave automatically, without thinking about it, you're bound to at least get a nasty razor burn.  I also like the way it feels after. 

You know you want to shave your head otherwise you wouldn't be here.  Do it.  Try it for 30 days.  If you don't like it, you can go back to what you were doing before. 

I'll keep your wife and family in my heart and prayers.  Seriously, when you put it into perspective, shaving your head is the least difficult thing you're facing right now.

[g_bald]

Taking the "plunge" IS a scary thought. It's all about projecting your fears and worries on someone else and anticipating their reactions. I think, once you take the plunge, you won't be disappointed. Many (myself included) wonder 'why didn't I do this earlier??' (I had shaved before but I let it grow back, then started going shorter and shorter until...)

I agree with the other guys in sending you full support and thoughts for your wife and hopes that everything turns out fine. I think shaving to show solidarity is a great idea. Many of the folks at St. Baldrick's and other events featuring shaving say 'I am doing this to support my friend/sibling/parent...' etc. I think you'll be glad you did Brian. Give it 30 days and I highly suspect you will be a "client for life" -- with no appointments necessary!

Good luck, keep us informed on your progress (and also your wife's so we know she's doing well) and above all, don't worry too much about others and their reactions.

[BrianFromCalifornia]

Thanks everyone for all the kind words.  My wife is hanging in there with round three of chemo next week.  As far as me, I'm still thinking about when/if to take the plunge.  My wife mentioned the idea of me shaving my head to our kids (all under the age of 11) and they didn't like the idea.  I think the thought of having both parents bald was a bit jarring to them.  Despite that, I'm still stronglly considering it.  If I do it, the woman who helps me with my "systems" wants me to:

1.  Grow a goatie
2.  Wear fancy glasses
3.  Tell people that I'm about to do this for my wife to reduce some of the "shock" when people see me with my new look

This is really much more difficult than I thought it would be ... as I make this tough decision. 

[Tim1776]

Hi Brian,

I saw your post, and being in a similar situation, thought I would weigh in with some support. 

I know the conflict between embracing where you're at and letting it go.  First off, don't let your kids' reactions weigh on you too much - like anybody, but especially kids, they're afraid of the unfamiliar, and the concept of you being bald is just very unfamiliar to them.  My dad wasn't at all balding when I was a kid, which I'm sure made it all the more foreign to me - but, if he was, I'm sure I'd adapt pretty fast.  Kids are wired that way!

I understand why your stylist is suggesting to grow facial hair, get glasses, etc - that's the same advice that was given to me when I went FOR the system, in order to keep people from focusing on the hair.  It makes sense, but I also wonder whether that might be, in a sense, hiding.  You have ZERO to be embarrassed about - you've got a great family, and you say you're successful with work.  You lost your hair very young during a time when it was certainly not looked upon as stylish.  And, my guess is that you've generally looked pretty good since.  In many ways, it HAS served you well.

So, if you are ready to let go of it, and you do go through with it, I'd suggest being ready to face whatever shock you experience head on - which, as recounted by MANY guys here, has worn off very quickly.  Don't be afraid to address the subject if it comes up, and don't feel the NEED to adopt new styles just to try to divert people's attention - do it if it's something that makes you feel more comfortable and confident.  Think about it - who wants to lose their hair, especially in their teens or early 20s?  Not many, and few people will blame you for having had a tougher time with it or doing something proactive about it.  There are some great videos on YouTube with guys like Patrick Stewart and Andrew Agassi talking about losing their hair.  I grew up thinking these guys OWNED going bald, only to find out much later how much it weighed on them when young.  Do I think less of them for admitting that?  No - I really respect them for being so open - but confident - about it.

I TOTALLY get that it's a difficult decision, and probably much more difficult than getting the system was (which, if anything like me, was totally impulsive).  But, if you can internalize that, either way, you've done nothing wrong, and hold your head up high, I think you'll feel a lot better with whatever direction you go.

Best of luck to you, and especially to your wife.