Very Hurtful reactions from mother...how to cope/deal?

[schro]

Let me just add that if you were man enough to shave your head in the first place -- and it was a gutsy move considering your age and stage of hair loss -- then you are man enough to stand your ground against your mother. Just hang in there.

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Good Luck, Ben.

If you like it, stick with it.

[BBCAlex]

Ben,
Your mom, like mine, is of a different generation and is far less accepting of many things including head shaving. Why not ask friends and family who are close to you in age what they think about it and ask them to be brutally honest. You will like what you hear. For most of them it is a total non issue; its just a haircut after all.

After a lifetime of allowing my parents to control me I decided about six years ago to put a stop to it once and for all. It was painful at first but they no longer have any control over me or my life and it was one of the most liberating feelings, next to head shaving, Ive ever felt. Sometimes you just have to accept that some people cant change and that those are people you need to move on from. Cut the apron strings, stop allowing her opinion and words to control what you want in your life, stop reacting when she is critical (she is feeding off of this), limit your answering of the phone when she calls, limit your visits with her, and she will get the idea. People will only control you so long as you grant them permission to do so. It took me a long time to figure this out.  

[MMArob]

If it came from someone else I'd say f**k her, but since it's your mom your best bet is to just accept and ignore it imo.

She wants whats best for you I'm sure and probably just wasn't around nice bald men in her life before...so be the first one and she'll eventually learn to accept it.

Rob

[slymyke]

I have only been part of this group for almost a month, so there is no way I have read even a fraction of what has been written on this forum.  But, I have to say that this thread has my favorite responses of any I have read.  Pretty much everything I was thinking has already been said, Plus a ton more great words of advice and wisdom. 

For the guys who have started the balding process and shaved or buzzed their hair, the women in our lives would rather us have all of our hair...    having ALL of our hair is not a choice any more, so they either need to live with no hair or watch us go bald over time.  That is what my Grandfather did.  I am not him.  I wasn't born in the early 1900's.  Do the  women in our lives wear the beehive hairdo that their Grandmother or Mother wore in the 50's?? 

It is like a kid who stands up to the lead bully at school.  This shows that he is not going to be bullied for his lunch money, but also helps him from being bullied about other things as well. 

Ben,
You could talk to her and just tell her that you appreciate her opinion, you are sorry she doesn't like your new look, but let her know that she has insulted you and hurt your feelings.. maybe that will tug on one of her heart-strings.  Good luck in whatever you decide to do.  Let us know how you make out, bud.

[benlen]

As a matter of principle, do NOT let your mother manipulate you. You're an adult.  Do what you want. You'll gain a ton of confidence from standing your ground.

I agree Razor, thank you for the support!

These are all her opinions - none of them factual. Be particularly alert when someone is speaking on behalf of others. They often aren't, or they often don't accurately convey the information.

Totally right, that's exactly what I was thinking. I called her out on it and said that if the rest of the family really hated it the way she did, they would speak to me one on one, and not go through someone who is obviously biased.


Hey guys, thanks for the overflowing amount of support––it really helps and makes me feel better as well as affirms, for me, how I feel about myself.

My mom to a certain degree apologized for what she said, and I'm glad that she did. I told her that I would address how she felt later, as it is, at this moment, still raw and hard to sort of register and sort through.

I'm twenty-three, just graduated college and starting graduate school in January to further my career ambitions, but I'm in a tough spot where I'm home with my folks for another month or so.


What baffles me about this situation is not my Mom not liking it, but her being so devisive about it. My mother and I have always had a very close relationship. I am (was? haha) her golden child, compared with my brother, who she fights with.

Anyway, the following is how I feel about shaving my head, and I told her this when she was giving me the bad rap about it:

I like shaving my head, for the simple act of it. It feels great.


More importantly, it's also empowering, and it makes me feel like a young man again, like the young guy that I am.

When I say I once had great hair, I really genuinely had awesome hair. Extremely straight and thick. I got my dad's very thick hair like my brother, but sadly got the balding gene as well, which is why my hair loss hasn't been so apparent to other people (the more hair, the longer it takes to shed, lol).

So while some people didn't notice the hair loss, it was very apparent to me, and it was sad to have a daily reminder that I had lost that and would never get it back. I couldn't style my hair in the fauxhawk that I liked to (like soccer players haha) or wear it long.

Shaving my head makes me feel like I'm not "losing" some part of me anymore, that I'm not prematurely aging, and I feel stylish and confident again.


More specifically, shaving my head makes me feel like I'm living, and moving forward, as if each new day is going to be better than the next, as opposed to watching some part of myself wither away or decay.

I understand where she's coming from with thinking this is part of body dimorphic disorder, but the real point of it is, is that I just don't want to deal with hair loss anymore! haha. Why not shave your head?

I don't have to deal with thinning hair anymore. Shaving my head is sort of like having a full head of hair once more, in that you never really think about it. You don't have to worry about it looking good because with a mild amount of work it always looks good.

Thinning hair, however, just doesn't look good, and requires an extreme and inordinate amount of work to maintain. I think that's crazy, much more crazy than shaving your head.

My mother asked me if I was offended by what she said, and I wasn't really, so much as I was hurt and disappointed, and I think that was where she broke and didn't appear as negative. I'm not sure how it'll go going forward, but I don't want to go back to having uncomfortable thinning hair just to appease her. That isn't fair.


Moreover, I think my mother's attitudes are just plain outdated. I see tons of bald people all the time, and the ones that I judge are not those who shave their heads, but those who try to hold onto what they don't have. That to me is unsightly. I admire men who take what they have and do the best to look good. And I don't think a bald head is someone magically going to turn me into some killer in the eyes of other people or limit my job prospects. That seems stupid.

[Mr Jules]

Bald people are nazis and mass murderers,

Sounds like an ill informed comment which you can safely ignore.

[D.A.L.U.I.]

Shaving my head is sort of like having a full head of hair once more, in that you never really think about it. You don't have to worry about it looking good because with a mild amount of work it always looks good.

Thinning hair, however, just doesn't look good, and requires an extreme and inordinate amount of work to maintain. I think that's crazy, much more crazy than shaving your head.

Bullseye--
Good move--oh,  and when in the future you get a compliment about the dome in front of her, and it will happen--don't rub it in,  just a wink will do with a big smile! 

[isleepinthebuff]

Doesn't hairloss mainly come from the mothers side anyway so it's her fault anyway!

It's what mothers do. You have to live with it, it's your decision.

My mum was the same but I just said in fairness mum you can say nothing about my hair as you made me have it like this......

[BaldMike]

... Bald people are nazis and mass murderers...

I knew there was something I didn't like about Elmer Fudd.

[Natedawg]

Let me just add that if you were man enough to shave your head in the first place -- and it was a gutsy move considering your age and stage of hair loss -- then you are man enough to stand your ground against your mother. Just hang in there.

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!

I agree. Nailed it.

My mom to a certain degree apologized for what she said, and I'm glad that she did. I told her that I would address how she felt later, as it is, at this moment, still raw and hard to sort of register and sort through.

What baffles me about this situation is not my Mom not liking it, but her being so devisive about it. My mother and I have always had a very close relationship.

Hey Benlen. Glad you are enjoying, and feeling confident about your dome. Welcome to the club, my friend.

What your mom said to you was pretty harsh, and unnecessary. No doubt. There's no way that couldn't hurt.
I'll bet it was just her way of finally showing her true pent up feelings. Letting it all out in a tirade. If she apologized at all, then I'm sure that to that aforementioned certain degree, she regrets doing it.
If you were indeed close when you were growing up, it's just all the harder for her to see her baby boy growing up and becoming his own man... Becoming different than the little boy she remembers.  That's just how life and time are. Stay the course, my friend. You are doing great.

[TheSlyBear]

My mother and I have always had a very close relationship. I am (was? haha) her golden child

That actually explains much right there. You're growing up and becoming independent. Most mothers are threatened by that, and this is likely her way of not dealing with it particularly well.

[Doctor X]

Having come from a similar situation (having a manipulative mother myself), I've just got to say that you have to realize it's her issue, not yours, and you can't let other people control your life like that, no matter who it is. I made the mistake of backing down once on something when I was about your age. Never again.

The most liberating thing in the world is to be yourself, regardless of who approves or disapproves.


“I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” - Bill Cosby

[leighmundo40]

Just tell her to "F*ck Right Off Bee-yatch!"

Seriously though, I agree with the great things that the others have said. There is always something really demoralising about a close family member or friend saying something derogatory about how you look. Takes the wind of out of your sales so to speak.

I think that you have done fantastically to take control of your hair loss, something I had wished that I'd had the courage to do at your age.

Like a lot of the guys have said, Mums have this image of their "baby boys" in their minds and find it really difficult when stuff happens to change or challenge that image. I think that her comments say more about what is going on in her head than the actual situation of you shaving your head. Her problem, for her to deal with.

You appear to be a really grounded guy, don't let it get you down. Christmas is coming and Santa will bring her a lump of coal if she doesn't quit!

[Rusty Shackleford]

3) Bald people are nazis and mass murderers, like the guy who shot Gabriel Giffords, and that the entire world would view me this way. I told her Hitler had hair, incidentially, but that didn't seem to go over all that well.

The problem with convincing your mom is that she is so far off the deep end that I really think it's hopeless.  I hate to insult your mom, but truth be told you can't fix stupid.

4) I would never experience love or romance ever again because of my shaved head.

By virtue of the fact that you exist I can assume that the world had someone who could love someone with a very nasty attitude.  Therefore I think the world is big enough to find someone for you too.

5) That I looked ridiculous, like a cancer patient, and the bald look was not at all attractive on me, according to her.

6) She's convinced that I'm not shaving my head as an act of liberation from hair loss, but as a body dismorphic disorder related issue or something like that.

Not lastly, but I because I don't want to repeat everything she said, she wrote:

More and more dumbassery.

7) She will never like or accept what I choose to do with the hair on my head.

Remind her that it's not her place to tell you how you can look.  Considering that this is your mother I really wouldn't suggest pushing it, but considering the horrible things that she said to you I think it would actually be appropriate to lay some back on her.  Find something you dislike about her and lay into that.  What a nasty person!  Is this typical of her or was this something very outside her normal character?

It goes without saying that, in spite of my normally confident nature, that this has been an extremely demeaning and confidence-eroding exercise.

She is manipulating you, and I bet the apology she gave you (as stated in another post) was filled with a lot of *ifs* and *buts*.

If you celebrate Christmas, Chanukah, or New Years I would be tempted to celebrate somewhere else, especially if you can do so with a girlfriend or a girl who is a friend, and let the Grinch suffer the consequences of her actions.  Another thing taken out of the female playbook is to do their manipulative silent treatment on her.  Go and don't blatantly ignore her but give her as little attention as possible.

[Doctor X]