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Moving through the transition, growing from the experience by Prophet on 20 Nov, 2011 22:15
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After reading the many, many posts on this site I see we face similar fears as we move through the transition of losing our hair. It's amazing just how similar the stories are to each other and how painful it is for most (myself included). I started losing my hair in my early 20s and immediately buzzed my hair down to #1, then with no guard. It was liberating and freeing at the time, as I no longer obsessed about it despite having tons of hair. I let it grow back out and managed a self-conscious, depreciating stock of hair. Now, 10 years later, thinning is getting worse and it's about that time again to buzz.
It's not the loss of hair per se that is so troubling, it is the loss of perceived status, virility, and beauty. I find myself desperately clinging to the idea that I can still be handsome despite buzzing my hair. Despite doing it before, and experiencing no ridicule or rejection at the time, I am still paralyzed by the prospect of doing it again now.
Do you guys experience the hair loss transition as painful and scary? I've been experiencing it that way, sometimes to a debilitating degree. I'd be lying if I said that the fear of being either unattractive, or even less attractive, terrifying.
The phrase "no one is going to love me" reverberates through my mind every time I look in the mirror and I feel crushed. Does this resonate with anybody?
My most sincere hope is that this process of loss also offers a lesson. My hope is that it exposes a fundamental flaw in my thinking about what it means to be accepted by myself and others, and reveals the oppressive standards to which I hold myself. I experience greater empathy for women who freak out over a wrinkle, as well as my students who virtually go suicidal if their midterm scores are low. There seem to be something fundamentally flawed in the thinking that it's not ok to be human--imperfect, fallible, and in a constant state of change, and I would like to see this process as an invitation to grow rather than devolve into obsession and fear of projected losses. -
#1 by Paul the Headblader on 21 Nov, 2011 02:05
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Cheer up!
and welcome to SBGs -
#2 by DCdome on 21 Nov, 2011 06:58
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Hey, Prophet!
Bald is virile and handsome. Yeah, many of us went through the transition doldrums, but we emerge bald and beautiful!
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#3 by buddha on 21 Nov, 2011 08:04
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The phrase "no one is going to love me" reverberates through my mind every time I look in the mirror and I feel crushed. Does this resonate with anybody?
My most sincere hope is that this process of loss also offers a lesson.
The one person in the universe that is most important in the question of who is going to love me is the one I see in the mirror. Once I have that love my confidence and contentment will grow and THAT will be what people I encounter in the world will see and be attracted to.
Maybe that's the lesson. -
#4 by Mikekoz13 on 21 Nov, 2011 09:05
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The one person in the universe that is most important in the question of who is going to love me is the one I see in the mirror. Once I have that love my confidence and contentment will grow and THAT will be what people I encounter in the world will see and be attracted to.
Maybe that's the lesson.
Well put Buddha!... and I agree.
Most people think that the key to happiness is having other people like/love you.... in reality, the key to happiness is liking/loving yourself first. Once you are happy with yourself, your entire world will improve. Positive energy will attract positive people. -
#5 by xnewyawka on 21 Nov, 2011 10:14
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The one person in the universe that is most important in the question of who is going to love me is the one I see in the mirror. Once I have that love my confidence and contentment will grow and THAT will be what people I encounter in the world will see and be attracted to.
Maybe that's the lesson.
Well put Buddha!... and I agree.
Most people think that the key to happiness is having other people like/love you.... in reality, the key to happiness is liking/loving yourself first. Once you are happy with yourself, your entire world will improve. Positive energy will attract positive people.
Very well said guys, I agree wholeheartedly!
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#6 by Slynito on 21 Nov, 2011 10:54
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There are so many things that I can think of that are much worse than MPB. There are thousands of our young people wondering if anyone will accept them and love them after having been severely burned or suffering the loss of arms or legs. They can write books on transitioning. I see them daily and think how lucky I am. And like a wise sly guy once said, "It'll grow back..."
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#7 by Oracle on 21 Nov, 2011 20:38
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The wisdom expressed on this board is what keeps bringing me back nearly everyday. I may not post often, but I like to read what my wiser sly brothers have posted that day.
Budda and Mikekoz's glasses are never half empty! It seems the only thing more contagious than a cold is a positive attitude!
Jim -
#8 by kenny57028 on 21 Nov, 2011 22:21
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I struggle with it at times as I know I looked better with hair, but I look better shaved than horseshoe. That being said, it is one of my insecurities and it doesn't help when even the teachers (or I should say just teacher) take jabs at your bald head. Its like come on, I wanna get past it but it seems like people take humor out of it.
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#9 by Mikekoz13 on 22 Nov, 2011 11:25
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Budda and Mikekoz's glasses are never half empty! It seems the only thing more contagious than a cold is a positive attitude!
Jim
Thanks for the props Jim! A positive attitude is a winner in life....... so every person should wake up the great majority of days ready to go out into the world to see what life brings. We all have bad days..... the important thing is to minimize them. You can do this by filtering out a lot of the bullshit in your life. One way to do that is by not worrying what others think of your personal decisions.
In my 51 years I've had enough bad happen to me that I could be a real turd every day.... but just what does that accomplish? Life is just too short to let sh*t bother you. Here are two things that I told myself often in my younger days:
If I live a loooong life...... say 100 years....... that amount of years is just a speck in time. Why waste my speck being miserable?
No matter how shitty I feel on my worst of days..... I still have so much more to be grateful for than a lot of people in this world.
During this Christmas Season take some time to volunteer at a children's hospital. Look at all those sick, dying kids and how short their time is. Think about the days that their parents will never have with them. Think about the things that will never be able to be offered to society by these kids. Think about how these kids have never had a fair chance in life.
Those of you that have been on the Forum for a long time have pobably read some of my posts about how sick my son became at the age of 9 months. A dreadful condition with even a worse prognosis. When initially diagnosed, my son had to spend a week in the hospital. While there, something happened to me that focused me for what will probably be the rest of my life.
My wife and I spent every day and night at the hospital with our son. I slept in a chair right next to his crib. On the third night I was there, about 3 AM, I was awakened by the sound of a very small baby crying. That baby cried and cried and cried. I finally got up and walked around the entire children's ward looking for that baby. I peeked in every room as I walked by and in every room parents were watching TV, or sleeping next to their very sick kids.
And then I came to the room where that baby, probably 3 or 4 months old, was crying hysterically. Not an adult in sight. I looked at that poor child, a girl, and my heart felt so bad for her. I walked down the hall and found a nurse and asked her where the parents of that baby were. She told me that baby "has no one" and that none of the nurses cold get the baby to stop crying.
I started to ask if I could hold that little girl but was politely and very firmly told no.
I walked back to my son's room, sat in a chair and wept. The thought that this tiny girl had no one on this entire earth was nearly unbearable to me. Her crying was the sound of total loneliness.
EVery year at this time of year I think of that little girl and what may have happened to her...... it was November 28th 14 years ago. Every year I can still hear that baby crying.... I take a few moments to remember, Pray for her wherever she is, and hope her life turned for the better. That night helped to put everything into perspective for me.
Life is often, very simply, about perspective. Every single one of us needs our perspective readjusted now and then.... there is no shame in that.
Peace....
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#10 by D.A.L.U.I. on 22 Nov, 2011 13:31
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This string reminded me of one several years ago about ARK--Acts of Random Kindness--kind of says it all. In our church the service always has the Summary of the Law at the first part, you know, "The first and great comandment is love the Lord thy God with all your heart, mind and soul, and the second is like unto it, love your neighbor as yourself." I've thought about that piece many times, sometimes seeing the humor in it--God's easy to say you love, he's sort of abstract, but your neighbor! That's another kettle of fish entirely--it's the hard part of religion, IMO, especially when you've got one like mine on one side, the witch with a capital B! I think that you have to have pretty good luck in neighbors to easily obey the Summary of the Law, and I don't have luck! But, if I try, really hard, to be "neighborly" ignore her pushy, grabby ways, I usually feel the better for it. An ARK now and then to her, but ARKs usually aren't that hard, really. I recommend them to all the Sly Brothers, even if you have my luck in neighbors.
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#11 by Mikekoz13 on 22 Nov, 2011 14:49
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Guys...... sorry that my previous post rambled so much!
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#12 by baldjoeg on 22 Nov, 2011 20:59
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Mikekoz,
Thanks for sharing your sad situation. It was awesome. MAy GOd Bless You now and always.
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#13 by Mikekoz13 on 23 Nov, 2011 06:35
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Mikekoz,
Thanks for sharing your sad situation. It was awesome. MAy GOd Bless You now and always.
Thanks Joe. By the way... I have an amazing life. And for those that do NOT believe in the Power of Prayer..... I would point at my son who was so sick at that time. We were told he would never walk or talk and would spend his life in a wheel chair with almost no quality of life. Now, at almost 15 years old, he is 5'-8" tall, 140 pounds of lean muscle, and is an amazing normal boy (with some mild learning disabilities). We had literally hundreds of people praying for our son. (In many ways Prayer is just extra powerful Positive thinking!)