need bald brother advice: is there a way i can get her back? - page 1 -

• need bald brother advice: is there a way i can get her back? by magnus on 25 Apr, 2010 11:21
• I dated this girl for a three weeks (we're both in mid 20s), things went really fast, chemistry was great, etc. spent the night at her place several times, had sex etc. it was all really intense and we met often. then suddenly she started saying she's too busy and couldn't meet me for 10 days or so (she works 8 hours a day, and doesn't have any time-consuming hobbies, etc.) plus she was kind of cold when I semi-randomly met her and followed her home during that 10 day period.
  
  I decided to call her up and said that I liked her, and wondered if I was wasting my time. told her I'm not into games and if what she meant was to send me hint I would appreciate if she was honest. she told me she'll call when her schedule clears.
  
  after those 10 days were over I asked her wether she wanted to go to a concert and she replied the same way, ie no time.
  
  this weekend I met her at a bar, and we talked for a bit - I was looking for a closure. I interpreted what she said as follows: starting out she didn't think much - just wanted to have a good time. then she realized that she liked me and at the initial pace it would have to get too serious too fast and she pulled away. confronting her with the change of pace certainly didn't help. and I guess she decided better safe than sorry, since the timing isn't perfect.
  
  In the mean time she's been talking to our mutual friends about how great she thinks I am and that we were having a good time dating.
  
  THE QUESTION: She basically sees me as a threat to her freedom and the good life she's leading the way things have developed. How do I change her mind and start meeting her again casually?
  
  THANKS IN ADVANCE!
  
  PS don't do the, if you meet someone right you can always make it work-routine. my belief is that it only applies if the guy is someone you truly will only meet once in a lifetime, such as a pro athlete, celebrity, etc. otherwise timing is of great importance. a beautiful girl will always be able to meet a regular great guy.
• #1 by Mikekoz13 on 25 Apr, 2010 14:44
• Dude.... I'm a big believer in the "move on" theory of dating.  If she's pulling this kind of crap when the relationship is new and growing, imagine what kind of crap she might dish out a year or two down the road.
  
  Be glad that you only have three weeks invested. Just move on to someone that WANTS to be with you.
• #2 by magnus on 25 Apr, 2010 15:23
• but you do believe that i deserved some sort of explanation after the change of pace, and that it was correct to call her?
  
  PS my reasoning was that i can't take rejection during finals (med school, so a lot to do), so i didn't want it in the back of my head and confronted her in a nice way.
• #3 by buddha on 25 Apr, 2010 15:26
• You don't change her mind.....only she can do that.
  
  If she sees you as a threat to her freedom then that's what you are. I'm with Koz on the "move on" theory. This is not to say that you need to part with bad feelings. Place yourself in her position. Let's say that you just wanted to play the field and have fun and suddenly a woman you had spend the night at your place started making noises that sounded "serious". What then?
  
  This doesn't sound like someone that you have an interest in meeting "casually". That being said this situation sounds like a guy who repeatedly hits his forehead with a hammer. When a friend asked why he did that he replied "because it feels so good when I stop".
• #4 by magnus on 25 Apr, 2010 15:40
• some great points buddha.
  
  i'm not really a threat to her freedom, as i stated i just told her i didn't want to play the waiting game - and that gave her the impression i wanted something serious NOW.
  
  as for changing her mind, i agree. i deleted her on facebook, hopefully that will send her the message that i'm putting this behind me - and might provoke some interest next time i run into her (small college town). other than that not much can be done other than not bothering her for at least a few weeks.
• #5 by buddha on 25 Apr, 2010 16:25
• Quote from: magnus on 25 Apr, 2010 15:40

  as for changing her mind, i agree. i deleted her on facebook, hopefully that will send her the message that i'm putting this behind me - and might provoke some interest next time i run into her (small college town). other than that not much can be done other than not bothering her for at least a few weeks.
  

  
  Brother, you are in denial! And the reason I am able to say that is that I have been so, as well, on many occasions.
  
  Let's start with the honesty of the above quote. Clearly you did not delete her from FB because you are putting this behind you. You did it in the hope that it "might provoke some interest next time I run into her".
  You are not required to be honest with me or anybody else on this forum but you are required to be so with yourself. What I mean is that if I know that this situation with this girl hurt you then you know that it hurt, too. I've been there. So sit quiet and alone and admit that you have been hurt. Man, we've all been down this road. It's no fun but I sure learned some great things during the trip.
• #6 by Xanwolf1337 on 25 Apr, 2010 16:35
• I know how you feel bro, i hate it when girls go all cold hearted all of a sudden, for no reason.
  
  In some respects you could still see her and treat it as a casual relationship, like you said you was with her several nights in a 3 week period, which does seem ok to us guys, but if she just wants to be casual about it maybe just leave it a week and text her and see if she wants to do anything, if not just be relaxed about it.
  
  If worse comes to worse just leave it and see if she contacts you, or as Mike said just move on and find a better girl mate.
  
  Hope that helps .
  
  
• #7 by magnus on 25 Apr, 2010 16:37
• buddha -- i know what you mean. been there quite a few times myself. in any case, whatever the motivation behind deleting is, the fact that i did it helps because i no longer see her in my chat. and getting past stuff like this, is all about those small steps.
• #8 by Gambrinus on 25 Apr, 2010 16:47
• Move on.  257 million people in the US.  More than half are women.  Explore your options.  Take it slower next time.
• #9 by foodfor4 on 25 Apr, 2010 17:18
•      Sorry to hear about the relationship troubles, but I know we've all been there so you're in great company. I'm not an expert on relationships and just got out of a my first one that I considered serious and it ended rather rocky, but if it taught me two things they are 1. when two people are attracted to on in other in and the same places in life and looking for the same things it can be amazing. If two people are not in the same place and ready both ready for a relationship it will not work. It is good that you invested little time, because with more time comes more heart ache. 2. Do not settle for someone who is not ready to be serious. I made this mistake by settling for a relationship with someone who was not ready (in terms of commitment and mental stability) and it was a disaster. We tried to "fix" things several times and I did that because I was settling.
       So my advice yo you, friend, is to let her be  simply because it is not the right time for her. She is likely attracted to you, but if she will not invest the time to spend with you then you are waisting your time waiting for her. If it is meant to be it will one day, when it is wright. Go out and move on, as difficult as it is, because you want to find a great girl who is ready for you.
• #10 by Joe Canuck on 25 Apr, 2010 18:10
• Brother, I think it may be harsh for you to hear everyone say : move on, but I must agree with them. I've done all sorts of crazy things for girls who were not ready. Man... did it hurt in the long run! Most of them never reached the "ready" point and found somebody else, leaving me down the road.
  
  So, although I believe no experience are useless in life, this one is not the one you're looking for ! For sure, you can wait for this girl, but while you wait, try to move on and go find another one !
  (plus, everyone in here seems to believe it's easier when you've got a shaved head! Can you test that one for me please  )
  
  GL with your med school finals !
  Kick butts, shave heads
  Joe
• #11 by pdxtodd on 25 Apr, 2010 18:33
• I agree with everyone else -- move on.  Speaking from personal experience -- my soon to be ex-wife is just like what you're dealing with.  Things were great for the first 18 months and then she wanted her "freedom".   Better to move on and find the next one than deal with the downstream pain.   No need for her to explain.  If she really wants to be with you she'll come knocking on your door after you cease trying to communicate.   Women are an interesting creature.   After 53 years I still haven't figured them out.  Just when you think you have them all figured out they do a 180 and you're right back to ground zero.
  
  Curious if my sly gay brothers have the same issues in their relationships.  I would think that guys think like guys regardless of orientation. 
• #12 by magnus on 26 Apr, 2010 00:40
• i guess you're all right. the only thing i keep thinking about is that i might have given her some time, and not confronted her about the change of pace. but who knows -- the outcome may have been the same even if i didn't.
  
  man, regret is the worst torture of all.
• #13 by crazy.irish.celt on 26 Apr, 2010 01:37
• My take:  You're at that point where you're both into the chase.  You've had sex, so there is some lovely chemical dependency developing. You both want the new-relationship high (subconsciously). But it sounds like she doesn't want to have to do the work that comes with maintaining the assets.  Kinda like people who want kids for all the fun, heart-warming reasons but don't want to deal with the poop and crying. 
  
  To me, it comes down to this.  At some point, you will both have to stop thinking in terms of 'me' and start thinking in terms of 'we'.  When you do this, the level of complexity required to make even the simplest decisions, such as what to do with your free time, increases exponentially. Perhaps she already knows this and just doesn't want to have to deal with it yet.  Until you both come to that point, I wouldn't recommend investing yourself any more than is necessary to keep the 'relationship' monagamous.
• #14 by magnus on 26 Apr, 2010 10:25
• thanks for the input everyone. if anything i learned a lesson from this. when i was younger i would always believe that if someone breaks it off / doesn't want to continue dating, theres gotta be something wrong with you.
  
  as i am more confident now, and also believe that i made nothing but a good impression on this girl, i've started to realize how much circumstances matter. and it is comforting to read how many of you subscribe to this point of view!
  
  PS already got a new date -- in a week or so (with a diff. girl that is!)