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Problems commiting to one woman... by TunaSkin on 12 Jun, 2012 07:42
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I wondering if anyone else is in a serious relationship and still has problems staying committed to their partner. Ive got a great girl, been with her well over a year now and I love her a lot. The problem is every time I go out without her I almost always end up chasing other girls around. I think about other girls a lot and constantly question my ability to commit long term. Ive done some things some people would consider cheating, probably most people, and find.myself "covering my tracks" more often than id like.
I guess im wondering if anyone else on here struggles with this sort of thing and how they deal with it. Like I said, my girl is great but I still have a very difficult time remaining loyal to her. Its a problem entirely my own.
So to the older guys, does it ever stop? Im 31 and.its harder than ever to be good.
To the married guys...how do you do it?
Thanks in advance to everyone who replies.
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#1 by buddha on 12 Jun, 2012 08:41
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Clearly you're not ready to commit to a relationship for the long term. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just your timeclock telling you that the time for "settling down" is not here yet. It's one thing to have to cover your tracks in a "relationship" that you can walk away from and it's altogether different to have to cover your tracks in a marriage where you're gonna end up losing half your stuff. Although giving away half your stuff can be very Zen.
I don't know if people are giving you pressure to settle down and commit to one partner. As an old married guy in my second marriage (just celebrated our 20th anniversary) I can tell you that you will always be scanning the horizon. Jimmy Carter once said that he lusted in his heart all the time but apparently never took any steps in furtherance. The point is that you may still be of a mind to take those steps.
What I would say is to celebrate your freedom. I don't know if you're living with this girl or not. If you are it's gonna complicate things. If you're not then WTF? There's plenty of time to think about settling down. Take life one day at a time and don't rush into anything if you have doubts. So if you're not living with your girlfriend now don't make any plans to move in.
Also, if you're still living alone (and this is gonna take some "cojones") tell your girlfriend that you need to take a step back and date other people. Explain your doubts to her keeping in mind that she is gonna be pi$$ed. Her expectations of you involve rings and kids and white picket fences and you will be handing her a major letdown but better now than 7 years and 2 kids into a marriage. If you still want to see her tell her so but don't be surprised if she backs away. At this point that might be for the best.
Above all don't get married until you know you're ready. And only you will know when that day has come. -
#2 by Natedawg on 12 Jun, 2012 09:03
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Sage advice from buddha as always:
"Clearly you're not ready to commit to a relationship for the long term. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just your timeclock telling you that the time for "settling down" is not here yet."
Pretty much sums it up. You're not ready for a committed relationship right now, or maybe it will never be your style, Mr. Hefner.
. Don't try to force yourself to be committed if it's not in your heart to do so. It will just end up hurting you and whomever you're with. Do what you feel, but try not to break any hearts or f*ck anyone over along the way, because no one deserves that feeling.
Personally, I've lived with the same woman for over 10 years and have been married to her for the last 2 of them. I still love her to pieces and cherish spending every day with her. We just welcomed our baby boy to the world 3 months ago today, and I love her even more now for it.
I have never been the unfaithful type. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, so I don't do it to them. On top of that, I've always HATED the dating game with a passion. Of course, I still window shop (I am a man, after all), but I never act on it, nor would I. In my case, I liken it to owning a Ferrari and admiring your neighbor's Lamborghini. You may be intrigued by said Lambo, but you love driving your Ferrari every day.... or something like that. However, in your case, you want to drive every nice car on the block LOL. Nothing wrong with that at all. It doesn't make you a bad person or whatever. It's just your style. Be who you are.
Maybe later you'll want to settle down. Maybe not. Roll with it, amigo.
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#3 by RoWilJr on 12 Jun, 2012 09:37
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buddah nailed it...
I've been thru TWO marriages as well...and yes, my first wife took half. The second, well, let's say SHE wasn't ready to settle (always hoping for the best, expecting the worst mentality)
To echo the bros above me, take your time...it's best to sow your wild oats now (see:NOT married) then later on down the road when you are married and or w/kids. -
#4 by buddha on 12 Jun, 2012 09:41
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Sage advice from buddha as always:
buddah nailed it...
You guys are too kind. Thank you. -
#5 by Mikekoz13 on 12 Jun, 2012 10:17
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I'm going to boil Buddha's great advice down to Koz Speak:
"She ain't the one".
I was married twice previously. The first one was my high shool sweetheatr... I was way too young and wild. The second one had a horrible disease... every time she smelled another man's cologne her legs spread apart..... see ya'. I swore off marriage after that and figured I was done.
I dated a lot of nice women that tried to pin me down and get me settled. I even emotionally hurt a few nice women because I couldn't give them the commitment they wanted from me. Then I dated a super nice and physically beautiful woman for about six months.... and I was much like you.... a "hunter". I cut it off with her to save her feelings as much as possible.
Then one day I randomly met the amazing woman that changed my life. I knew from the moment that I saw her that she was special.... I didn't know why, I just knew she was. We had our first date in December of 1994 and were married by the following September (1995). I have been blessed and privileged to call that amazing woman my wife and best friend for almost 17 years. The man that many thought was "untamable" became charmed and tamed at the hand of "the one".
You'll know when you meet "her". I was just a year older than you when we met. I've never cheated on my wife or even thought about it. Don't get me wrong.... I'm human and a man so I still like pretty sights.... But I only lust for "the one". -
#6 by Frontier Guy on 12 Jun, 2012 14:47
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As all the previous guys wrote, and more eloquently than I could ... you're just not ready. And that's OK as long as you don't intentionally hurt others along the way.
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#7 by TunaSkin on 17 Jun, 2012 23:16
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Well, I guess this problem worked itself out..sort of. I got the boot Saturday night. Wouldn't you know it, because she got tired of me living like I was single while trying to be her boyfriend.
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#8 by chgobuzzbald on 17 Jun, 2012 23:58
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At 31 you should not be in a committed relationship yet. You are not ready for it. Maybe at 41 or even 51. Its not a problem is it ? Sow you wild oats until you have no energy left to sow them. One day the One will be there.
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#9 by Sir Harry on 18 Jun, 2012 05:58
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As another member of the "multiple failed marriages club", there's nothing wrong with not being committed or ready yet...just don't explore at the expense of her feelings nor should you be "pressured" into a marriage/relationship yet..As Smokey and the Miracles used to say "You better Shop Around"....just do it carefully and wisely.
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#10 by TunaSkin on 20 Jun, 2012 22:12
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I think you guys are all right. Clearly I wasn't ready. It's not a problem being single again, I've actually been wanting to be for a long time now. That's why I was living the way I was for so long, and consequently why my ex girlfriend broke up with me. Se la vi. I feel good about the decision. Still got my sly confidence and now I've got all the freedom in the world...tis a good feeling.
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#11 by BlackDogBrewing on 23 Nov, 2012 15:33
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As another member of the "multiple failed marriages club", there's nothing wrong with not being committed or ready yet...just don't explore at the expense of her feelings nor should you be "pressured" into a marriage/relationship yet..As Smokey and the Miracles used to say "You better Shop Around"....just do it carefully and wisely.
I am in exactly the same boat and could not have said it better myself. That being said, I'm falling in love with an absolutely beautiful 6-foot Italian brunette who has lost a bunch of hair due to psoriasis, but that does not matter to me; I love her just the same. -
#12 by Scottakist on 23 Nov, 2012 16:00
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The relationship thread....
Im no spring chicken, but im not a tired dog either hahaha
I have never been married,
Saw the havoc it caused my sisters and such so i never decided to "jump in"
There have been women, some great some not so great...
My last Girlfriend honestly was the most beautiful woman I ever saw..
I had hoped that she would have been the one but it did not work out that way
I had a weakness for her, and even after she moved out of state we kinda kept in contact
I saw her about a year after that and it all came back again
we spent tons of time together and it was hard to see her go but I could not just say
"ok well all the problems just went away" was one of the hardest things I had to do was fill up her vehicle
and then wave goodbye to her.
One day I hope to see without the blinders of hope....
however now a year and a half has gone under the bridge and I remain single
for a few reasons I did not want my old ghosts to haunt, and im sure some of the issues was my BS
so I wanted to be able to identify and separate that BS..
Now in your situation
maybe instead of chasing the ladies, try to learn some about yourself.
women come and go, not saying to "play them' or not to have some fun,
but be honest to them as well as yourself.
Without a steady woman I can spend my own money on my own desires,
dont have to deal with any wacky crap and I can do what I want, when I want,
with whomever I want...
I do hope that a woman comes along that I can feel really chill with but as for marriage
I have some serious reservations about that.
the world is a much much different place this day in age. -
#13 by Switchy on 23 Nov, 2012 17:15
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Can't live with them can't live with out them. Women have to understand the man and likewise.