How did YOU stop caring and become confident?

• How did YOU stop caring and become confident? by tazz on 20 Jul, 2012 00:20
• I'm not just talking about confident enough to shave your head, but I'm talking about confidence in life.
  
  I just see so many of you guys and envy how you have that 'dont give a sh*t' attitude about what people think, and that sort of confidence radiates in terms of relationships, careers, etc. How do you get into that mindset permanently?
  
  I mean there are times when I feel invincible and confident, but that fades, how do you make it 'stick'? Was it a book you read or movie you've watched? Do you just pretend life is like a game where we just all end up dying anyway?
• #1 by chgobuzzbald on 20 Jul, 2012 01:05
• I just decided I would not be a victim of anything anymore or lead a fear based thinking life. I release all habits, history, programming, of fear based thinking and victim based thinking. My life has improved enormously since. I remind myself everyday whether its a work/office issue, economic/money issue, relationship issue, hair issue, stuck in traffic issue, feel like Im getting a cold issue and on and on. I also have taken to writing down 10 things EACH MORNING I am grateful for in my life. Could be nice weather, nice workout, great salad at lunch, new client, money to pay bills, strong body, health, how it felt great to be barefoot on a summer day, my fresh shaved head/buzzed head... once you get in the habit of being thankful it seems more nice things just come to you to be thankful for even more if you write them down. So then confidence comes with being thankful and so does feeling secure about your balding head/buzzed/shaved smooth head.
• #2 by waine on 20 Jul, 2012 03:15
• Hello Tazz
  
  Good question
  
  Confidence is a noun, but to “be” confident is an “action”.
  
  Love is a noun, but to “love” someone is an action.  You have to do something to make love work by choosing to “love”.  The same as confidence, you have to “put on” confidence. And no one said it was easy, it is possible, but not easy.
  
  The confidence that you see here at SBG.com in the context of “Sly” stems from an action.  I once had thinning, lifeless hair and a dry eczema scalp.  My perception was that to look good, I had to have good looking hair as this is what my upbringing and the views of society dictated.  I realised through support and research that there are many out there who have a different perception, one that says “I can look and feel good about myself even without hair.  Once you embrace that and you take the plunge, you immediately find that you actually can look good, feel good and feel accepted as a bald man.  You literally have to choose to “not care” about what people think.
  
  Once you realise this, the self assertion allows you to apply this new attitude into other areas of your life.  You confidence then grows.
  
  I will admit, this “confidence” is easier to cultivate in one’s later years for some, as you naturally and slowly learn about people and yourself as you get older.  You cannot buy experience, it must be “lived out”.  There is no doubt that what worried me in my twenties does not worry me now, but there is no reason why it cannot be applied by any youngster.  The can learn this by observing the attitudes of more seasoned men.
  
  It is all about making a decision, and learning that our behaviour is largely influenced by perception, and the way we choose to “think” about important life matters.  For one person the sight of a chocolate cake is amazing, for another it is revolting.
  
  Confidence comes from a “belief” in one’s own ability to succeed.  You have to believe in yourself.  If you don’t now, you will have to “learn” how to believe in the amazing resources that exist inside you and how to draw from them.
  
  It’s as simple as that in theory, but may take a life time for some to achieve.
  
  
  
  
• #3 by Andrei on 20 Jul, 2012 03:54
• Hey, nice one Tazz, it's a really good question.
  
  Confidence in yourself is something that you build up with time and training. Training - meaning living your life.
  While I was in highschool kind of hit me the question: Why should I care so much about what others think of me? I know what I want, I know what's good and bad and I have no moral duty to those people, why should I care so much about their opinion? Shouldn't my opinion count more then theirs to me?
  Sure, it's good to take advices, but it's even better to filter them.
  
  I don't think you have to stop caring to be more confident, but it's the other way around.
  If you're confident in yourself then you'll care less about the negative comments (espcialy if those comments have no factual bassis).
  
  Books are good for the soul and mind but one cannot learn how to live his/her life just from a book.
  
  If you work towards being more confidentent and not run away from the issue then this means today you are a better person then you were yesterday.
• #4 by Frontier Guy on 20 Jul, 2012 06:21
• Well Tazz, now you're turning philosophical :-)
  
  Interesting how each of the guys above "got it"; it's taken me 50+ years to figure things out for myself. And it is different for everyone.
  
  I think part of it simply comes with age/maturity as chgobuzzbald wrote. And being grateful as he noted as well.
  And as waine wrote you have to "believe in yourself."
  Andrei's point about "caring less about the negative comments" was on track too.
  
  Those elements are all part of my life. I acknowledge things I am grateful for regularly - and I am fortunate my sister does the same. When we are together (rarely) or email (frequently) and mention something either good or bad we naturally are grateful for the experience and the lesson learned. Mutual acknowledgement is empowering. [In the same way, being negative and surrounded by negative influences is debilitating.]
  
  I fill my life with positive people and experiences and shield myself from negatives - and I attract more positives than negatives. That meant recognizing certain people are not good for me to be around (both at work and social) and I've had to increase my distance from them and some I work to avoid. I also am very focused on how I spend my time - much less TV and Internet, more time face-to-face. Real interaction with people and seeing/experiencing their physical expressions and gestures pays huge dividends in the quality of communication.
  
  Most important, though, was carefully thinking about who I want to be and moving towards that ideal. Doing things to get me there. And deciding that who I am is "just right" and being content with myself. That was the breakthrough. Because as long as I like myself, I don't really care what you think. You like me or you don't - either way is OK.
  
  Although in my 50s, I figure I've got several decades ahead of me. I insist on every day being better than any I've lived so far, enjoying a bit of laughter many times daily, and recognizing I am content being "me." I truly am "my own best friend." I am totally comfortable being alone with no TV or radio to fill the void.
  
  I want to add though, that having this self-focus doesn't mean that I am callous and uncaring towards others. I am generous by nature and often called upon to provide a shoulder to cry on or to be a sounding board. But the end result needs to be a plan to recover and rise above. I am very impatient with wallowing in self-pity.
  
  My generosity is often shown in very small ways. During conversation something may come up and later I will take action. For example, a fellow I was talking to a few weeks ago (buzz cut) would like to shave daily but has problems with irritation. I suggested Shave Secret at the time, and I bought a bottle to give to him next time I see him. An acquaintance (new to the area) mentioned she was having trouble locating an archery range. Later when I had time I did some research and found a couple plus reviews of them and forwarded the info to her. These demonstrate to the other person that I was paying attention to our conversation. Neither is significant in the scheme of life. But sometimes, the little things mean a lot.
  
  And it's not that I don't care what others think, because I prefer to be liked by others because it generates a warm feeling. I want to be a good role model in public - whether I'm viewed as the bald guy, the guy with the septum ring, or the gay guy. Those are all me. And if they make a memorable positive connection with someone I win. But I will not take it personally or dwell on a negative comment or action. As soon as I turn around I've left that negative interaction behind.
  
  Two things you included in your initial post:
  1. "but that fades" - what happens that you find your confidence fades. There must be a trigger.
  2. "Do you just pretend life is like a game where we just all end up dying anyway?" - I do not pretend. What you see is what you get. I constantly work on my gratitude and the positives and recognizing the negatives and shutting them down. But I am genuine to my core. And as I've cautioned people occasionally "Don't ask me that question if you don't want the honest answer ..." because I will speak honestly. Not hurtfully.
  
  Bringing this back to you: Bottom line ... self-confidence partially comes with age (which you can't do much about) and life experience (which you can definitely influence and pay attention to the lessons provided), but more of it comes from knowing your true self and being content living as that person. And that you can do now.
• #5 by stasiu on 20 Jul, 2012 07:27
• Well Tazz,  you are confident to make SBG one of your favorites and you care what we have to say, so that is a beginning!  Confidence does not come from one source alone.  You just can't eat carrots everyday and become confident, for instance.   Confidence comes from your upbringing and home environment, your social circle of friends, school-work and society in general.  Look in the mirror and start a confident smile while telling yourself (aloud) that you are special.  Walk up to a handsome bald man and compliment his facial hair, clothes, and ask him how he gets that head shine.  You just built some confidence right there.  Each one of us will offer you our confident advice and you take it from there.  Don't rule out some counseling if issues are that negative.  Best to you !
• #6 by Natedawg on 20 Jul, 2012 08:29
• I'll admit I haven't read the posts above from my colleagues (I am sure they very insightful - as always).
  Life's way too short to spend feeling down about yourself. Remember that you are your own worst critic, and you always will be. You have to live with yourself every single day of your life. Might as well take control and be happy, no? You are the only one who has the power to do so.
  
  I taught myself to think this way after dealing with high anxiety and panic attacks 6 years ago at the age of 26. It was taking control of my life.  I couldn't even enjoy the simple things. I'd just start crying and panicking out of nowhere... It took about a year to regain my true happiness, through telling myself every single day of that year that life is as good as you make it, and a lot of it is how you look at life.
  Find a way to change your outlook. Keep trying every day to find your happy inner self. The one who is content with who you are, and comfortable with your limitations as a human being. Relax. Take a deep breath. Don't worry about things you can't change. Accept yourself and love yourself. There's no justifiable reason not to.  
  
• #7 by mahaw90 on 20 Jul, 2012 08:35
• I've never cared and never will. Bald is cool, can't honestly think of anything worse than having hair. Hair is for girls.
• #8 by baldjoeg on 20 Jul, 2012 10:27
• Well said guys.
• #9 by Sir Harry on 20 Jul, 2012 10:35
• What helped me to become confident is when I stopped trying to compare myself to others or trying to be like others. I look at it like this...When you are building your house, to you want it to conform to YOUR vision or do you want it to conform to something of someone else's that you saw? Getting back to topic, each man or woman has to get that confidence level on his or her own terms...As for me, what helped me was that even though I saw so many people with what I thought was better situations than mine, I see a lot of people with situations far worse...especially far worse than losing a few hairs on my head that I probably was ultimately going to lose anyway. When I wake up, there are three things that I think about most (religious beliefs excepted) 1. What do I love about myself the most? 2. What can I do to make myself better?, and 3. What can I do to make someone else better? We're here to help, man but it is ultimately up to you to achieve the confidence that you want/need. Good Luck!
  
  @Mark-LOL, that's a good one
  
  @Nate-Thanks for sharing your story....You never know what goes on in a person's life......a smile on the outside does not necessarily guarantee a smile on the inside. I respect you for sharing something most people wouldn't want to share.
• #10 by mahaw90 on 20 Jul, 2012 10:46
• Well said mate.
• #11 by waine on 20 Jul, 2012 11:14
• Some awesome answers there guys. I read each one and learned even more!  I have by no means "mastered" self confidence, the journey continues, but I am much more confident than a decade ago.
  
  
• #12 by Natedawg on 20 Jul, 2012 12:53
• Quote from: sirharry12 on 20 Jul, 2012 10:35

  @Nate-Thanks for sharing your story....You never know what goes on in a person's life......a smile on the outside does not necessarily guarantee a smile on the inside. I respect you for sharing something most people wouldn't want to share.
  

  
  Thanks for the kind words, Harry. It's certainly not something I enjoyed, but when I look back on it, I am actually thankful for it. It helped to make me the man I am today. 
  You had some wise words yourself here! Great replies all around, really. 
• #13 by JasonR on 20 Jul, 2012 15:11
• I don't think Confidence is a destination, it's a journey. Some days I feel really confident, and other days I feel lost. Now, I don't usually feel down or have a lack of self esteem; I just feel slightly less confident than I normally do.
  
  I'm 27, and I'm short at 5'7. That used to bother me a lot...and I'm not really sure why. One day I read an article on how short guys rock (the article was written by a girl), and it really helped me reframe my mental image of myself. I realized I'm not that short, and it shouldn't effect any aspect of my life.
  
  We all have hang ups and things we don't like ourselves. Part of being confident is accepting our shortcomings/physical flaws, and owning them. Rock it. Own it. It's a part of you. Use it to your advantage.
  
  For example. You're bald. You stand out! People notice you. It's your choice to look at that as good or bad. It's all about your own perception of yourself, and how you choose to look at things.
  
  You lost your job. Good or bad? You can say, sh*t, my life sucks I lost my job. Or you can say, wow, I know I just lost my job, but now I have a huge opportunity in front of myself to find a better job, start a business, or better my life in some way.
  
  Sorry for my rambling...hope this helps.
• #14 by buddha on 20 Jul, 2012 16:26
• Quote from: tazz on 20 Jul, 2012 00:20

  I'm not just talking about confident enough to shave your head, but I'm talking about confidence in life.
  
  I just see so many of you guys and envy how you have that 'dont give a sh*t' attitude about what people think
  

  
  I think that this is a selective process. I really don't give a sh*t about what most people think of me UNLESS they are of some importance. For instance I care what my wife thinks, I care what my grandkids think, likewise the friends I have selected and who I consider to be my true family. But as for the rest of the world and their opinions.....this is where the Gospel of Go F*ck Yourself comes in handy. I don't mind constructive criticism from anyone but I can usually distinguish it from someone who just wants to wipe their sh*tty boots off on me and I respond to that accordingly.
  
  I spent most of my life worrying about how others viewed me until I realized that none of them were paying my mortgage or puttin' a smile on my face. And that is where I draw the line.