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My Lack of Confidence Destroyed My Life-Hair Transplants Are A Lie! by HeadChange on 11 Apr, 2012 14:34
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I'm new to this forum, but I'm grateful to have found it. I am sick of finding hair-loss forums that are sponsored by doctors and pharma companies. What men really need is acceptance and confidence that they are OK how they are.
At 21 years old, I began to notice a significant change in my hair. I was attractive and confident, but hair loss began to twist it's way into my psyche. I battled back and forth with buzzing and growing out, and I started using Rogaine at about 23. At 25, I was becoming devastated by my hair loss, and some friends helped to convince me that a hair transplant surgery would solve all of my problems. I got it into my head that I would once again be beautiful and have a head full of lush hair. I decided to take a path that would eventually end me in absolute ruin.
Because of my concern of infection and inhibiting the healing process, I stopped using Rogain for about 2 weeks after the surgery. One morning, I woke up, looked at my hair, itched my scalp, and lost literally a full 1/3rd of my hair...it fell out in the sink in front of my eyes. I was devastated. I never regained that moderate density, but I immediately started using Rogaine and propecia.
About 6 months later, I met an incredibly beautiful young woman that I knocked up in 3 months. We lived together, had a baby, and were married for 6 years. The entire time I was with her, however, I struggled with confidence, wanting to shave my head but afraid of the goddamned scar across the back of my head. My confidence dwindled, but my work drive and ego caused me to do things that I should never have done; I cheated on my wife several times. Twice was with a neighbor, and even though the situation about ruined us, we moved, and found a new happy home and began working closely with a therapist. All was going great until my ego caught me again (I am the CEO and founder of an incredibly successful Medical Marijuana business in California). I cheated again, this time with a staff member who gave me herpes. I told my wife, and she made it clear that we had to separate.
At the same time, I have decided to stop propecia (actually proscar). It has sapped my sex drive, and has caused me to live in a low-level of depression for years. My desire to seek sexual excitement outside of marriage is likely, in part, due my lowered sex drive at home. I'm still on Rogaine, but I am definitely noticing daily hair loss and general thinning. I'm afraid to shave because of the long, obvious scar that runs across the back of my head.
My wife is filing an official separation now, and I'm depressed beyond belief; suicide has been an ongoing thought.
I'm trying to figure out where to go next. I'm lost, I'm tortured, and I'm scared. My hair is thinning, and I need to come to terms and accept myself as who I am.
Does anyone out there share a similar reality as I do? I'm 33 years old, and could have so much life ahead of me. I'm looking into taking a meditation retreat for a month or so in Bali, Thailand or India.
How have people out there dealt with transplant scars and shaving? How about giving up hair loss medications? I'm so afraid of becoming an old, bald, single man that has herpes and no chance of love again, that it's eating me alive.
I need help.
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#1 by Sir Harry on 11 Apr, 2012 15:14
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First off, welcome! Secondly, I'm so sorry that you were dealt such a bad hand in the card game of life, but at 33, you're still young enough to turn things around. If you check out some of the stories on the forum, you're not the first nor will you be the last to have a hair transplant that you had second thoughts about later. As far as the scar(s) left behind when you shave your head, many of us have "imperfections" on our scalp, but that's the things that make our heads uniquely ours. This coming from a guy that had 30+ stitches in various spots on his scalp due to cysts/boils/scar tissue (I'm wearing 24 stitches right now across the base of my neck). If (when) you shave your head, and the HT scar(s) are still bothering you, I would see a dermatologist who can recommend some treatment and/or surgery to minimize the appearance. Sorry for the oversized welcome, but if there's a group that understands, it's this one.....Keep your head up and stay strong, we're pulling for you!
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#2 by marty22 on 11 Apr, 2012 16:36
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Hang in there!
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#3 by Mikekoz13 on 11 Apr, 2012 17:12
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I'm going to blunt here....
I had a lot of problems in my marriages when I was younger. I fucked up my first marriage by being a dumb ass. It took me years to get over that failure. After a second failed marriage I sought happiness thru a beer bottle and one night stands. My life was a fucking mess.
And then one day I looked in the mirror at myself and didn't like what I saw... at all. I vowed that day to change my life forever. I promised my self that for one full year there would be no relationships with women and the beer bottle had to stay n the 'frig on weekdays.
Almost exactly one year later to the day... I met the woman that changedd my life forever. I've always believed that the one year I took to get my life in order was the only reason I met that amazing woman. I had to get myself right before my life ccould be right.
And that very year that I decided to change my life..................... I was 33 years old. -
#4 by IllinoisBaldy on 11 Apr, 2012 17:29
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I had one ht when I was 19 and I've been Sly over 2 years now. I'd be lying if I said I don't struggle with the scar, but in my experience, shaving my head and ending the burden of hairloss outweights the embarrasment of the ht scar.
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#5 by HeadChange on 11 Apr, 2012 18:07
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I'm glad to have found this website. I'm so f'ing fed up with pharmaceutical companies preying on my low self esteem! I appreciate the supportive and kind words. Mike, about a month ago I made that same commitment; celibacy for a year. I don't really drink or use drugs. I have an amazingly beautiful 5 year old son with this woman, and he's about all I can keep my focus on at this point.
Sir Harry, thanks for your supportive welcoming. It's strange connecting with strangers like ya'll, but it's refreshing. Illinois, have you considered an FUE scar repair? Know anyone who's had good results from it? I'd like to just give it up and start shaving, but if I can reduce the scar back there, I'd consider it...
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#6 by chgobuzzbald on 11 Apr, 2012 23:58
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Check micro tattooing. HIS Clinic and there is another company place in Minnesota and one in FLorida. They tattoo stubble with very fine needles. Many guys with HT scars have found great camo and they can shave their heads. Many of us made that mistake but it has made us stronger and now confident.
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#7 by buddha on 12 Apr, 2012 07:27
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I cheated on my wife multiple times. Once was with a neighbor, and even though the situation about ruined us, we moved, and found a new happy home and began working closely with a therapist. All was going great until my ego caught me again (I am the CEO and founder of an incredibly successful Medical Marijuana business in California). I cheated again, this time with a staff member who gave me herpes. I told my wife, and she made it clear that we had to separate.
My wife is filing an official separation now, and I'm depressed beyond belief; suicide has been an ongoing thought.
I'm looking into taking a meditation retreat for a month or so in Bali, Thailand or India.
How have people out there dealt with transplant scars and shaving? How about giving up hair loss medications? I'm so afraid of becoming an old, bald, single man that has herpes and no chance of love again, that it's eating me alive.
I need help.
I'm really glad that you got here and I will endeavor to be blunt, too.
It's strange to me that will all the really horrendous $h!t you have going on right now that your focus is on a scar from a HT and whether or not to shave your head. The last line of your post that I quoted, "I need help", is the main point that I want to concentrate on for my part in this.
I have known a number of people in my life who have considered suicide, in fact, I have considered it as a real viable option at a couple of points when it looked like there would be no other relief. 'Nuff said on that. My point is that of the people I have known who have considered suicide as an option are people that I consider to be men and women of considerable character. (Critics should concentrate on what I wrote here before jumping off.) But those people are either all still here or have died by other causes. But the point where I would start to worry is the point when I would formulate an actual plan for ending my own life and act on the "I need help" part before I implement the plan. The meditation retreat is a fine idea and I think that it is the first thing you should consider after you do a realistic eval of where you are on the planning vs. implementation timeline and seek out a trained professional to actually help you. Coming to the forum is great but when I read your post the thing that hit me hardest was what I have touched on already. Maybe others are avoiding this part so as not to offend you or maybe because of a fear of pushing you closer to the edge. For me to do that would be to do a disservice.
The next thing is the part about having cheated on your wife and contracting herpes in the process. The trained professional can help you make heads and tails out of that, too. But this is about more than never finding love again, as in never finding love with another person. The real risk is to the other person as far as that goes but the crux of the matter, it would seem, is the possibility that you have no love for yourself which is why you seek it in others. I've been in that boat as well. Stuff like that usually goes back a long way. It pays to look into it.
And way down at the bottom of the list is whether or not to shave your head and how you choose to deal with the HT scar.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong. -
#8 by IllinoisBaldy on 12 Apr, 2012 16:18
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Illinois, have you considered an FUE scar repair? Know anyone who's had good results from it? I'd like to just give it up and start shaving, but if I can reduce the scar back there, I'd consider it...
I did initially but decided against it. You probably wouldn't need many grafts to break up the scar but FUE also creates scars. They could be obvious if you decide to shave your head. It may make a bad situation worse. -
#9 by b.driscoll on 12 Apr, 2012 20:08
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I'm going to be blunt too,.....................I don't think your hair or scar are the problem, you blame your ''ego'' and ''lack of confidence'' for your problems, yet you had enough confidence to cheat multiple times, have a successful business, and a very good mind for business. I don't believe you have been dealt a ''bad hand'' as one of our sly friends has said. You have done all of this with thinning hair and a t.p. scar. Sorry if I'm too blunt but I know a lot of people who would trade places with you in a minute. You have made some bad CHOICES in your life but who hasn't??? Truth be told , your hair really doesn't matter in your relationships or work life. We put a lot of that pressure on ourselves. I have seen that women and friends really don't care if you are losing your hair or have a scar. Your personality is your calling card. At 33, you have your health and thriving business........................you have it all! Best of luck to you.
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#10 by HeadChange on 14 Apr, 2012 22:39
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I'm back again, and I want to say something; thank you for all of the positive, encouraging responses from a complete group of strangers. Your insightful and uplifting comments are amazingly supportive, and definitely have helped play a part in me beginning to awaken from the dark f'ing place that I fell into.
I'm in a tough place, for sure, but when I first posted this, I had literally been going through a complete nervous breakdown. I have been seeing a therapist, and it's true that hair loss is no small part of this grieving process for me, but as chgobuzzbald said, there are absolutely deeper rooted issues at hand. And, I'm sorry for dumping all of this $hit on a group of complete strangers, but I guess sometimes, it's the safest place to dump it.
So, how would you guys deal specifically with this hair-loss situation that I'm dealing with? I don't have any actual bald spots, just very generalized thinning that is becoming more apparent each day that I am off of proscar. I tend to keep my hair short, but like IllinoisBaldy says, there is an agony of losing hair each day that never seems to end. I'm concerned that if I just shave it now, for starters, my head will be completely white in contrast to my face. Then, the scar...my co-workers and staff will instantly be aware of it and the questions will certainly begin. "How did you get that?" I've heard it before when I've shaved my head in the past. I tend to be a very honest person, so lying doesn't work well for me. It's a big step just to say, "OK, I'm done with it all...shave it off and I'm a new me". Like I have said before, I have shaved my head numerous times in the past, and I always end up being unhappy with it. I think the problem is less likely the hair loss, and more likely the "unhappy" part. My mantra has become "accept the things you cannot change".
You guys are brave people...why is it that we have so much identity wrapped up in such an impermanent thing, such as hair?
chgobuzzbald , thank you for your insight. Maybe it would have been more appropriate to call this topic "Saturn Returned, and took my hair with it when it left".
If there is ever a gathering of people from this website, I would love to join. I've looked for support groups for men who are dealing with hair loss, but there don't tend to be many of them out there. If anyone wants a new niche market idea...run with that one
Thanks yall,
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#11 by Sir Harry on 15 Apr, 2012 04:23
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Glad to see you're feeling better....As a now two-time divorcee (three if you count my annulment from 1992), I know how it hurts with failed relationships....Also, as a two-time Iraqi war veteran with slight PTSD, I agree that sometimes it is better to share stuff with perfect strangers (like my PTSD group) who are mostly non-judgmental than with family and friends who may have their own opinions about some of the stuff we go through....Losing your hair is hard to deal with, but better to lose your hair than your identity (meaning who you truly are). Good luck, stay strong and keep us posted!
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#12 by Baldstu on 16 Apr, 2012 02:53
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Please contact me PM
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#13 by mangosink12572 on 16 Apr, 2012 09:13
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I think we have all been through alot of STUFF as you have - - -
But you do get old and BALD - - -
I will be 70 (OLD) next month and I am BALD - - -and it is not so bad - - - -
Get a hold on yourself and buckle down and WORK - -it seems like you have tooooo much money
I had to work my ass off when I was your age and it kept me busy and I did not have time to worry and especially about
my BALD HEAD. -
#14 by Baldstu on 16 Apr, 2012 13:49
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Well mangosink it sez it all your age isa positiv encouragement to us guys younger your amazin