These are from a book called " Disorder in the American Courts",and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
Attorney: What gear where you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forgot
Attorney: You forgot? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said " where am I Cathy" ?
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan !
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do
Attorney: voodoo?
Witness: We do
Attorney: you do?
Witness: yes ,vodoo
Attorney: Now Doctor, isn't it true, that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?
Attorney: The youngest son, the 21 year old, how old is he?
Witness: Uhhh, hes 21.
Attorney: Where you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shittin' me?
Attorney: So the date of the conception (baby) was August 8th?
Witness: yes
Attorney: And what were you doing at the time?
Witness: Uhh...I was gettin' laid
Attorney: She had 3 children, right?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Are you kidding? Your Honor I think I need a new attorney....can I get a new attorney?
Attorney: How was your first marriage treminated?
Witness: death
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now who's death do you suppose terminated it?
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: he was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female
Witness: Guess
Attorney: Is your apperance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I had sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have been performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
Attorney: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: oral
Attorney: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
Witness: The autospy started around 8:30 pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting at the table wondering why I was doing a autospy on him.
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh? are you qualified to ask that question?
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autospy did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No
Attorney: did you check for breathing?
Witness: No
Attorney: So Doctor, it's possible the patient was alive when you started the autospy?
Witness: No
Attorney: How can you be so sure Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law.
