This was on MSNBC.com this morning...
Ventre: 41 things to watch at Super Bowl XLI
Prepare for Peyton overload — but what role does brother Eli play?
OPINION
By Michael Ventre
Jan 24, 2007
When the Super Bowl requires a two-week break after the NFC and AFC championship games, fans can go one of two ways:
They can either chill for a week in order to prepare for a second week of intense and immense hype, or they can agonize over the course of the entire fortnight about why time is moving so slowly and keeping their beloved ultimate game in the distance.
This is for the latter group.
Naturally, for those who have already broken out the brewskis and the hot wings and are also devouring every tidbit of information they can find in the media about the humongous showdown between the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts, there is an insatiable yearning to find out what’s going to happen with both the game and the festivities surrounding it.
For those maniacs, here are 41 things to expect concerning Super Bowl XLI:
1. Inspired by the success of Bears coach Lovie Smith, two coaches attending Super Bowl week will announce they’ve changed their names to Schmoopie Coughlin and Buttercup Del Rio.
2. When asked who he likes in the game, Nick Saban will say, “I don’t know how many times I have to say this: The Bears will win the Super Bowl.†Almost immediately a tidal wave of money is bet on the Colts.
3. CBS is televising the Super Bowl. Millions of casual sports fans will tune in late because they mistakenly turned on Fox, saw a promo for “Prison Break†and assumed the Bengals were playing.
4. To expedite security, officials at Miami International Airport will set up two lines for NFL players: One for water bottles with secret compartments, and one without.
5. Winners of the Punt, Pass and Kick competition will be honored. Then after the ceremony, they will begin their new jobs on the Raiders’ coaching staff.
6. Prince will perform at halftime. He will sing, “1999,†which is a tribute both to the last time the Super Bowl was played in Miami, and the number of commercials in this year’s telecast.
7. State and federal law enforcement officers will set up checkpoints, install hidden censors, position snipers atop nearby buildings, arrange a fleet of armor-plated vehicles and place rows of concrete barricades. And that’s just for when Tank Johnson attends Media Day.
8. The Colts claim that Peyton Manning’s injured thumb is fine. But reporters will become suspicious that team officials are more worried than they’re letting on when the thumb is assigned its own bodyguards.
9. Eager to prove to skeptical fans that he has what it takes to lead the Bears to a championship, Rex Grossman will ask Jim McMahon to teach him how to moon a TV helicopter.
10. Reports are rampant that Donovan McNabb is unhappy with his seat for the game. Eagles coach Andy Reid will deny it.
11. The Dallas Cowboys will use the stage of Super Bowl week to announce they’ve hired a coach to replace Bill Parcells and describe him as someone experienced with difficult rebuilding projects. It turns out to be the guy who performed Jerry Jones’ facelift.
12. The Raiders will allow their new head coach, Lane Kiffin, to attend Super Bowl festivities, but only if he promises to brush his teeth and clean his room.
13. Peyton Manning finally will reveal that he didn’t hurt his thumb on the helmet of a teammate as first believed, but rather while horsing around with brother Eli during a tour of ESPN headquarters.
14. Reggie Bush will consider attending Super Bowl week, but will eventually decide not to. Pundits will attribute his absence to being afraid of a confrontation with Brian Urlacher. But insiders will reveal that Bush simply couldn’t find a house in the Miami area that was palatial enough to accommodate his parents.
15. The Colts will request a copy of Dennis Green’s now infamous post-game tirade about the Bears in which he says, “They are who we thought they were!†The Colts won’t do this in hopes of gaining a strategic advantage, but rather because it’s pretty funny.
16. Bill Parcells will show up in Miami because of its proximity to Cuba. He knows Fidal Castro is in bad shape and he heard there might be an opening for a dictator.
17. Noted law enforcement buff Shaquille O’Neal will meet Tank Johnson at a nightclub. After an awkward silence, Shaq will say, “So … have you ever seen ‘The Fugitive’?â€
18. Ricky Williams will be arrested at the airport trying to smuggle Michael Vick through customs.
19. If the Colts win, center Jeff Saturday will change his name to Jeff “Super Bowl†Sunday.
20. Bill Belichick will be CBS’s special halftime analyst. He’ll wear a cutoff sweatshirt and tie.
21. Dan Marino will conduct the pre-game coin toss. Because of his notoriously quick release, CBS producers will ask him to delay it so they can squeeze in more commercials.
22. Every suspect on the FBI’s Most Wanted List will attempt to sneak through security at Miami’s airport because they know all they have to do is wear a No. 7 Atlanta Falcons jersey and the authorities will erase the surveillance video.
23. Don Shula will present the Vince Lombardi Trophy to the winner. He will begin the presentation by saying, “On behalf of everyone not named Nick Saban …â€
24. Terrell Owens, in Florida for the week for a photo shoot, will accidentally get too close to a lagoon and will get swallowed by a crocodile. The crocodile will spit him out, then die.
25. Shawne Merriman will be in town for the Super Bowl to endorse a new line of supplements. He will begin his pitch to prospective customers by saying, “Pssst …†from an alley.
26. Grammy winner Billy Joel has been tabbed to sing the national anthem. By mistake, Joel instead will sing his 1982 hit single, “Pressure,†causing several of the players to become nervous and seek emergency counseling.
27. During a critical point in the fourth quarter, Peyton Manning will call a timeout so he can go make another commercial.
28. Like their 1985 counterparts, the Bears will release a Super Bowl video. This one will be entitled, “Hey, Somebody Had to Come Out of the NFC.â€
29. New Dolphins coach Cam Cameron will take one look at his roster and then fly to Costa Rica to see if Pete Carroll will take over his job.
30. FEMA officials in town on a Super Bowl junket will see video from 2006 of Joey Harrington quarterbacking the Dolphins and will offer to send food, bottled water and temporary housing.
31. The price for a 30-second commercial in this year’s Super Bowl is about $2.6 million, which when put into terms the average football fan can relate to is a little less than one-fifth of what Michael Strahan’s wife is now worth.
32. The NFL opted to use Cirque du Soleil as the pre-game entertainment rather than the more divisive Cirque du T.O.
33. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms will serve as announcers for CBS. The network will conduct a contest during the game to see if some lucky fan can listen to their voices and tell them apart.
34. Beyonce will join Prince during the halftime show. He’ll expose one of her breasts, explaining later that he thought it was a Super Bowl tradition.
35. Beyonce’s “Dreamgirls†co-star Jennifer Hudson will make a surprise appearance. She’ll play nose tackle for the Colts.
36. The Indianapolis Colts are the visiting team, which means they’ll have to stay in a hotel and bus to the game. The Chicago Bears are the home team, meaning they get to stay at Shaq’s house.
37. CBS will have Solomon Wilcots and Steve Tasker reporting from the sidelines and Lesley Visser and Sam Ryan reporting from the stands. Of course, in broadcast industry parlance, “reporting from the stands†means “Get us some beers.â€
38. After spirited deliberations, the NFL and the Players Association finally agreed on a tough new drug-testing policy. To celebrate the occasion, the city of Miami will host a special screening of “Scarface.â€
39. In a tribute to Miami’s rich football tradition during pre-game festivities, players from the University of Miami and Florida International University will beat each other up again.
40. Former Miami Hurricanes RB and Colts star Edgerrin James, who signed as a free agent last summer with the Arizona Cardinals, will be honored by the Colts in appreciation of him leaving.
41. The Colts will win Super Bowl XLI. LaDainian Tomlinson will complain later about the way they celebrated.
