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Great Gift for the Wife............ by Timmay on 15 Sep, 2008 21:23
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A few weeks ago I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 16th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Kris. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button
AND pressed it against a meta l surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want so me
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way! What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh*t myself, but was
too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
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#1 by TheSlyBear on 15 Sep, 2008 21:32
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You didn't think to video it for YouTube?
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#2 by slyinglide on 16 Sep, 2008 01:14
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That's not funny Timmj............This is coming from a man, that was used as a Guinea Pig, at a gun and knife show in Huntsville Alabama. Me and my (now) exwife were going araond looking at stuff in the booths. We approached one particular booth that interested us. I was looking at a beautiful stag horn handled handmade knife, My WIFE was looking at personal defense items. I awoke on the floor, 30 people around me, covered in the large coke that I was drinking at the time, to my WIFE explaining to an off duty cop that she didnt think that something that small could do much damage. I was her Crash Test Dummy......
P.S. If anyone sees my nutz, tell them to come home I miss them badly! -
#3 by Timmay on 16 Sep, 2008 06:32
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Ya know Slyinglide...Its still funny. Ya aint gonna tell me that y'all didnt laugh later on...lol
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#4 by IRONHORSE on 21 Sep, 2008 19:56
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Dear god! I just finished reading this and have tears running down my face!!! Why is this so funny to me? Because it sounds like something I would try!!!
I now know for SURE I will never get my wife a stun gun!!
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#5 by FR8TRAIN on 22 Sep, 2008 10:48
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You didn't think to video it for YouTube?
Yeah! What the hell Timmay? -
#6 by PowerOfCheese on 22 Sep, 2008 11:03
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That's not funny Timmj............This is coming from a man, that was used as a Guinea Pig, at a gun and knife show in Huntsville Alabama. Me and my (now) exwife were going araond looking at stuff in the booths. We approached one particular booth that interested us. I was looking at a beautiful stag horn handled handmade knife, My WIFE was looking at personal defense items. I awoke on the floor, 30 people around me, covered in the large coke that I was drinking at the time, to my WIFE explaining to an off duty cop that she didnt think that something that small could do much damage. I was her Crash Test Dummy......
P.S. If anyone sees my nutz, tell them to come home I miss them badly!
oh man... are you effin serious? -
#7 by slyinglide on 22 Sep, 2008 14:01
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PowerofCheese....I wished I was kidding............100,000 volts can really zap your ass......and to make matters worse, she did it right on my side....above the belt and below the shirt, so the IMPACT of the shock went equally both up and down my body........It hurt like hell...for a couple of weeks after the incident.......
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#8 by Timmay on 22 Sep, 2008 14:31
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hell yes it hurts....
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#9 by skiking on 22 Sep, 2008 15:10
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:*))I haven't laughed so hard in a long time, my stomach hurts now
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#10 by Brkeatr on 22 Sep, 2008 16:28
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Hey Slyinglide, that's not the reason that she is now your ex wife is it??
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#11 by FR8TRAIN on 23 Sep, 2008 01:38
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Hey, Timmay! Bring that thing over here I want to see just how high you jump when I zap your a$$ with it! There's a bottle of fine wine in it for you...Be aware that the video camera WILL be running this time though!
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#12 by slyinglide on 23 Sep, 2008 01:50
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Hey, Timmay! Bring that thing over here I want to see just how high you jump when I zap your a$$ with it!
There's a bottle of fine wine in it for you...Be aware that the video camera WILL be running this time though!
A woed advice....Timmay...wear a cup.....that way you can find the boy faster......
And Brkeatr That's not the reason she's my ex, but as I look back on it I should have realized something was up when she had a hard time not laughing at me when she did it. -
#13 by Brkeatr on 23 Sep, 2008 03:35
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Hey, Timmay! Bring that thing over here I want to see just how high you jump when I zap your a$$ with it!
There's a bottle of fine wine in it for you...Be aware that the video camera WILL be running this time though!
A woed advice....Timmay...wear a cup.....that way you can find the boy faster......
And Brkeatr That's not the reason she's my ex, but as I look back on it I should have realized something was up when she had a hard time not laughing at me when she did it.
Yeah, LOL.... -
#14 by Timmay on 23 Sep, 2008 07:40
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You just wanna touch my azz dont ya Fr8 LOL....