This was sent to me at work the other day...
A Suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got one minute to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you $%*&!'
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Why are women like clouds? eventually they f%$k off and its a really nice day
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Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b*$@h.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big f%$king red mark on her forehead.
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I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. His dude replies 'You're so f%$king lucky. Mine is still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'F%$k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes epileptic'
