Hairdepressed: Its hopeless I guess ... - page 1 -

• Hairdepressed: Its hopeless I guess ... by Mementomori on 21 Jul, 2008 10:39
• Hi there ladies and gentlemen,
  
  this is probably going to be a very long post, so please don't cuss at me. I thought a long time about posting here, but I have to.
  
  To introduce myself using my bad english: I don't want to say where I come from, I'm 28 years old and I'm balding since my birthday a year ago (oh what a cruel birthday present by fate) and I'm heavily depressed, you know, heavily. Not only because I'm balding but I have depressions since about 6 or 7 years now and balding doesn't make it better, just worse.
  
  I'm losing my hair, it's thinning in a rapid way, and I had long hair and loved it. All my life, I adored my hair but never had it so long I had it just a few months ago where I decided to let them cut to about 6 inches in length. Every cut was a knife stabbed deeply into my soul. I'm a huge Bowie fan and I always loved his look as he is a great idol for me, I used to emulate this style or at least trying to. Make up my eyes is a daily thing for me and so is my hair on the head, or let's better say, it was. I always wear black or very dark clothes so to speak. You know what that means, and hair is a big part to it. I'm also a metaldude, I like metal music, the darker the better and my hair belongs to it. I always dreamt the dream of having long flowing hair but never got to the point except last years. I finally reached the length I always wanted and I was so proud showing it, styling it, loving it. And then, from one minute to the other, a massive hairloss began. I cried lying torn by the pain of losing my hair. And I'm still torn. What is a metal drummer without hair I think. And I'm thinking about my hair, I'm doing it at the moment, I will dream about my hairloss this night, again, I know cause I do it every night since a year now. And this is a heavy burden to carry. I tried Propecia and other chemicals at once for having a real good effect on my hair and of course, massive side effects, dry eyes, blurred vision, dark rings under my eyes (which I used to paint under the eyes), fatigue, all sorts. I don't wonder about it because bad luck is a part of my life and used to be, I never had any good luck all the time. Always when I thought it can't get worse, it must get better now, the next hole opened up where I fell into and it seems that at this time, the hole has no bottom.
  
  Wearing dark clothes, putting on make up, being proud of it, feeling good with it, wearing a tail coat when going out, just looking and feeling good this way. But noone understands that I feel bad about my hairloss, that it's splitting me in half, noone can. Who wonders? All in my family have great full hair, the males and the females. I'm the first who is suffering MPB so it's no wonder that noone can understand. I even couldn't when I still had my full head of hair. When I lie crying on the floor swimming in my own tears, having the next attack of heavy depression and then another panic attack, all keep hitting me with their feet so the pain never ends. And they are right, I guess, I never could handle something in my life, I suffer procrastination, most of what I did ended in pieces. And if nothing happens this year, I fear that also I will end in pieces (not literally but mentally). I never talked to MPB guys about this, not because I avoided them but I just never met one and if I did, I never looked at the hair, I never judged by the look of hair. Honestly, if I would meet a bald girl, I wouldn't care. Of course, I love long hair, who doesn't, but I wouldn't care if a girl would be bald, honestly, I think girls with a buzzcut look gorgeous in their own way.
  
  But all the girls I was talking to this time said that it's shite if a guy is bald. I'm worried. And I'm single. In the quarters where I am, you know, hair is almost a cultural thing, at least I believe that. I can't imagine myself wearing makeup while being bald, I think noone can do that (except Yul Brynner of course) and I can't imagine finding a girl for life sharing my hobbies and my taste of life when I am bald. And I'm not able to change this, I don't wanna change my way of life, I know this sounds arrogant, but it isn't meant to be. I'm vain, very vain, at the same time lost and embedded in vanity and I can't help it. The other thing is: Yes, I fell in love, I did, but I can never say it because I'm going to be bald and I know that I will look like a moron being bald. I have a bumpy head, a really bad head shape and not the face for being sly because I have a lack of masculine face shapes. I have soft traits which makes it worse. I feel this girl likes me in some way, and I like her, but I can't tell it. She's like me, we are almost twins in some way and it's a dream that will end in a nightmare, I know that. So all I do is writing stories and poems for her, painting pictures and writing songs for her,  flow my artistic and my dominant romantic side, everything for her but knowing that all this will end in a big inner void  .
  
  But it's not only the bad headshape I suffer from, I also have a big ugly birthmark on my head I hate so much. Why do I know? I oncy had short hair, half an inch long, bleached to white. That's how I know so much about my headshape, my scalp. The reactions weren't very good these days, I swear. Speaking about scalp, it hurts, it hurts all the time. There's burning, itching, eczema and oodles of dandruff since 2007. I hate myself and I'm lost in self-pity and I don't know how to escape all this. I can't seek for a psychologist doing a psychotherapy because I will loose my job along my hair if that comes up. So I would need to pay everything myself and I just can't afford it, but I'd love to. I don't want to give more details about this as I fear I already wrote too much.
  
  So what remains for a linnet like me, a linnet with a bad body shape who wants to work out but can't because of all the procrastination which will cost my life one day. I can't afford a hairpiece and never could wear one, I can't take the chemicals and drugs anymore, I'm lost.
  
  All I could afford these times would be a head blade, but I have so much fear, such overwhelming fear. What should I do? I hope you can understand me. I have to jump into the gulch but I'm afraid to because it all will end in a nightmare, a fierce, heartpiercing nightmare.
  
  I guess everyone can understand why I can't put in a picture of myself. I primarily don't want to but there's a chance that someone will find the thread and then my picture which would make the ass out of me.
  
  Just don't repudiate me, I beg, I just don't know to whom I can talk. I lost my band and friends because of this, because of my wobbliness, my lack of self-confidence, but I know that some of you guys have gotten through this. What can I do because I don't know how I can get through all this pain as I know that I am such a wimp. You guys are so self-confident and you seem to be so happy without hair. I admit it: I'm so jealous 
  
  And I thank you so much for reading through this.
  
• #1 by The Zook on 21 Jul, 2008 11:10
• I'm no psychologist, nor am I any kind of expert on advice in general.
  
  What I'll say is just my thoughts on what you wrote, so take it as you wish.
  
  Seems to me that you have other personal issues you need to work out before you shave your head, some deep emotional issues. I can understand being nervous about some reactions to shaving your head, but to be flat out dependent on hair to make you happy and accepted is something I cannot even begin to comprehend.
  
  Are you perceptions real?
  
  To me, you're not ready to shave your head and I don't know you ever will be unless you learn to change the way you think.
  
  I wish you the best and will leave you with this to think about.
  
  What is worse in your culture, a balding head (combover, horseshoe, etc) or a bald head? One or the other is your fate, you need to learn how to accept it and either take matters into your own hands or let time do it for you.
• #2 by Mementomori on 21 Jul, 2008 11:53
• Thanks for your words, I always appreciate given questions as answers sometimes.
  
  

  Quote

  but to be flat out dependent on hair to make you happy and accepted is something I cannot even begin to comprehend.

  I know what you mean. The thing is, I also KNOW that it doesn't depend on hair, I know it, but for some reason, I can't transfer it to my mind to be a full part of it.
  
  

  Quote

  Are you perceptions real?

  Yes and no. Sometimes, I feel like a berzerker. Sometimes I could jump up high into the air because of so much energy I have, but not for long. After a while, perhaps some minutes up to half an hour, I switch back to my old apathy, dunno, can't control this. I'm also searching the experience of flow all the time, try something new until a short while after beginning I'm totally exhausted, mentally. When I'm apathetic again, those perceptions are real.
  
  

  Quote

  What is worse in your culture, a balding head (combover, horseshoe, etc) or a bald head?

  Of course, the balding head 
  
  

  Quote

  I wish you the best and will leave you with this to think about.

  Thanks
• #3 by The Zook on 21 Jul, 2008 12:10
• Questions because I don't have answers... sounds like a difficult situation you're in, or put yourself in.
  
  Good luck!
• #4 by Argyle on 21 Jul, 2008 12:31
• Hi,
  
  Wow I think you hold the record for the world's longest post here - but dont worry, you will be surprised at how many people on this site read through every detail and how compassionate their responses will be.  I just want to make a couple of points. 
  
  You say that everyone on this website is so confident.  In many many cases it didnt start out that way and in some cases it doesnt always stay that way.  I personally go through peaks and troughs of feelinf quite depressed about the whole thing, I am only 29 and have been losing my hair for ten years i am completely bald on top quicker than any of my friends.  However most of the time i am fine with this.  This site has helped me on a long at times painful journey and i am sure it can help you. 
  
  All the worries that you talk about, head shape etc are exactly the same as everyone else here.  There is a thread in general discussion about head shape about page 3 i think and there are pics there of a whole range of shapes and sizes!  No one is normal, we all have our own idiosycracies, that is what makes the human race so wonderful and us all so neurotic at exactly the same time! 
  
  Finally you mention about dry skin, eczema etc.  You may find going sly actually helps with the right skin care routine.  One of the mods here Schro had a scalp condition which improved significantly wheh he went sly.  I can see no reason why that would not be the same in your case. 
  
  No one here can offer you a magic wand, but what they can offer is some reassuring and genuine words combined with advice, motivation and support.  I hope you hang around so that we can help you through this and help you to come out the other side a more positive and confident person. 
  
  Perhaps post a pic if you feel comfortable to. 
  
  Good luck,
  
  Chris
• #5 by J Digory on 21 Jul, 2008 16:43
• First of all, welcome to the site. Brother, there are tons of people going through very similar situations...and while it's true that some people have an easier time at it than others, I don't think many would say dealing with hair loss is easy.
  
  I have been in rock bands for a good number of years...at least 12 years I would say. I always had big crazy curly brown hair. Well, back about 5 years ago I decided to do a giant mohawk. It was multi-colored and really long and very impressive by anyone's standards. But I noticed I had the slightest thinning in the back. Oh man...this hit me pretty hard at the time. I didn't want to have a mohawk anymore, and I thought about growing it really long and pulling it into a ponytail on top to cover my balding spot. lol
  
  I ended up cutting it short and coming it in a way that it covered up the thinning to a degree...or at least when I looked in the mirror it did. But the thought was always there...I always feared people saw it and would think it was stupid looking or that I was dumb.
  
  Anyway, I got through it all, and so will you as long as you work at it. Looking at others and really thinking on how you perceive them is a great start. But just so you know, it is very possible to be bald and vain at the same time. And it is possible to be glam and bald, or metal and bald at the same time.
  
  Grow out a wicked beard...or just a long goatee. Wear some makeup to conceal your birthmark. My best advice to you is to stop worrying over what COULD be and take it by the horns and hump it into submission! You know what I mean! Instead of worrying about whether you can conceal your birthmark, shave your head and try. Instead of worrying what you will look like with a bald head and makeup, try it! Find a hat that suits your personality and wear it!
  Goth, glam, metal, punk...you KNOW that these aren't defined by your hairstyle...those are only styles that fit the mentality you have. Find the style you can use with your limitations, and you'll be golden. I mean at one point or another we ALL worry about what we have and want what we don't have. That unhappiness is what will drive everyone away from you, not your hair. Nosferatu was a bald freaky looking vampire, and Yul Brynner was a bald stud...so bald isn't the problem...it's the style and accessories you put WITH the bald head that give you the style.
  
  P.S. I had really bad flaking and oily scalp before I shaved my head bald. Since taking it all off, my head has gotten very healthy and lush. When people touch it they always comment on how smooth and nice it feels. I wouldn't WANT someone to touch my hair back when I had any. Too many issues with it.
• #6 by TheSlyBear on 21 Jul, 2008 18:13
• I have a "big ugly birthmark" covering the right side of my face. So what? People get used to it.
  
  Don't let that stop you. Nobody will care.
• #7 by J Digory on 21 Jul, 2008 18:37
• It's true. We tend to be our own worse enemy.
• #8 by DJ_Bald on 21 Jul, 2008 18:42
• I agree with you man...no way you can be a bald drummer...its just not cool.  
  
  Jason Bonham...one sly brutha
  
  
  or a lead singer
  
  
  
  
  You are not your hair man....shave your head and rock that sh*t! Get some earrings, some tattoos and MAKE it cool.
  And you would be surprised what your girl thinks is attractive. Girls have a lot of insecurities and she may view you as more human if you shared one of yours with her. And if she doesnt like you if you shave then move along to someone who isnt so shallow.
  
  
  
  
• #9 by Tyler on 21 Jul, 2008 22:18
• Hey man, we have two Sly drummers here on the site, Vash and Robmeister.  We probably have some more that I've forgotten about.
  
  We all face adversity in our life and how you respond will depend on the outcome.  There's an author by the name of Jack Canfield.  He is also a speaker and has written on getting over adversity.  One of the things he mentions is that there is a formula for doing so; Events + Response = Outcome (E + R = O). 
  
  You see, we all have events that occur in life.  Your currently going through an "event" of losing your hair.  You can respond by getting depressed and have the current outcome that you are getting right now - depressed, lack of confidence, etc.  Or, you can decide (which only you can do) that you prefer a different outcome.  If you decide this, then you need to start responding differently.  This may be to shave your head (which most guys here have chosen) or see a psychologist, or talk to friends and family about this.  Now, you may choose a response and get an outcome that you didn't hope for or that you wish was different.  Don't worry if this happens.  You just change your response again and keep doing so until you have the outcome you are looking for - self confidence and happiness. 
  
  We're here to help you, but we're going to need you to do your part and decide to do something that is a step in the right direction.  You've already done so by joining up here.  My advice is to do one of two things.  Either shave it off completely; just go to the barber and tell them you want it all off.  Or, go get it buzzed down and start shaving down in phases.  You can do it!  In a couple months, weeks, or even a couple days you'll be able to look back at this event in life and wonder why you hadn't taken action sooner.  How long this takes is up to you.
• #10 by BlackJamesRackham on 21 Jul, 2008 22:41
• Sly and Rocker go VERY well together.
  
  Maynard James Keenan of Tool and A Perfect Circle was Sly for a while.
  The lead singer of Disturbed is Sly.
  Aaron from Staind is Sly.
  
  These are major rockers from major bands.
  
  
• #11 by Jer on 21 Jul, 2008 22:46
• Another major one is Satriani!!!
  
  
• #12 by MikeM on 22 Jul, 2008 05:53
• Bald musicians?
  
  http://www.takeitfromthehead.com/
  
  It might not be too visible in my avatar picture, but I have a big red birthmark on the back of my head. It's shaped almost like the Dairy Queen logo. Plus several more stalagmitesque birthmarks creeping up from my neckline. (Lots of guys have those.) I think they're pretty cool.
  
  
• #13 by Robmeister on 22 Jul, 2008 06:02
• Quote from: Tyler on 21 Jul, 2008 22:18

  Hey man, we have two Sly drummers here on the site, Vash and Robmeister.  We probably have some more that I've forgotten about.
  
  We all face adversity in our life and how you respond will depend on the outcome.  There's an author by the name of Jack Canfield.  He is also a speaker and has written on getting over adversity.  One of the things he mentions is that there is a formula for doing so; Events + Response = Outcome (E + R = O). 
  
  You see, we all have events that occur in life.  Your currently going through an "event" of losing your hair.  You can respond by getting depressed and have the current outcome that you are getting right now - depressed, lack of confidence, etc.  Or, you can decide (which only you can do) that you prefer a different outcome.  If you decide this, then you need to start responding differently.  This may be to shave your head (which most guys here have chosen) or see a psychologist, or talk to friends and family about this.  Now, you may choose a response and get an outcome that you didn't hope for or that you wish was different.  Don't worry if this happens.  You just change your response again and keep doing so until you have the outcome you are looking for - self confidence and happiness. 
  
  We're here to help you, but we're going to need you to do your part and decide to do something that is a step in the right direction.  You've already done so by joining up here.  My advice is to do one of two things.  Either shave it off completely; just go to the barber and tell them you want it all off.  Or, go get it buzzed down and start shaving down in phases.  You can do it!  In a couple months, weeks, or even a couple days you'll be able to look back at this event in life and wonder why you hadn't taken action sooner.  How long this takes is up to you.
  

  
  AWESOME STUFF RIGHT THERE !!
• #14 by Rafter on 22 Jul, 2008 07:16
• Quote from: Mementomori on 21 Jul, 2008 10:39

  Hi there ladies and gentlemen,
  
  To introduce myself using my bad english: I don't want to say where I come from, I'm 28 years old and I'm balding since my birthday a year ago (oh what a cruel birthday present by fate).
  
  So what remains for a linnet like me, a linnet with a bad body shape who wants to work out but can't because of all the procrastination which will cost my life one day. I can't afford a hairpiece and never could wear one, I can't take the chemicals and drugs anymore, I'm lost.
  
  All I could afford these times would be a head blade, but I have so much fear, such overwhelming fear. What should I do? I hope you can understand me. I have to jump into the gulch but I'm afraid to because it all will end in a nightmare, a fierce, heartpiercing nightmare.
  
  Just don't repudiate me, I beg, I just don't know to whom I can talk. I lost my band and friends because of this, because of my wobbliness, my lack of self-confidence, but I know that some of you guys have gotten through this. What can I do because I don't know how I can get through all this pain as I know that I am such a wimp. You guys are so self-confident and you seem to be so happy without hair. I admit it: I'm so jealous 
  
  And I thank you so much for reading through this.
  
  

  
  You want confidence. I say you can buy yourself some confidence.
  
  Take a deep breath sir, buy the headblade that you say you can afford and
  shave your thinning hair. The cost of the headblade will be well worth all the happiness you'll experience once your free of your hair and all the bad that came with it.