I still can't feel good about it.

[william]

    Synopsis: Crazy hair all during childhood. I got a perfect haircut that I could maintain at 18 years old. Then I started losing hair. I've been shaving my head for about 3 years. I've received many compliments and had boyfriends say that it either didn't matter or was sexy. I have all the support I could ever ask for, but IT STILL BOTHERS ME!!!!
    In my dreams, I have hair. I look much better with hair, I think. I know there's nothing to be done about it because every solution has a massive drawback. I hate the balding shadow on my head. I hate having to shave my head to avoid looking like a freak. I really don't care what strangers think, but I do care what I think, and I think it sucks. I can't delude myself into being proud of being bald. I'm fine with being gay. I can get through being born into poverty. I can deal with my bad skin. All of my other problems are manageable except for the bald thing because it is a lifestyle that has been forcefully thrust upon me, and no matter how hard I try, I simply can't accept it. It's really the straw that broke the horse's back.
    I like to be able to blend into a crowd and go unnoticed. Now I stick out quite literally like a light bulb. My head burns in the summer, I freeze in the winter, and the rain falling on my head is obnoxious. Hats, no matter the size, cut circulation off. Hats are also inappropriate at times and are like a big sign that reads, "I am trying to hide my baldness!!!!!!"
    So I go on feigning confidence when all the while I'm either seething, paranoid, or numb. Any response to this would be appreciated. (Anything besides rhetoric and thoughtless word vomit. I've been searching for real answers and finding none.)
 
    PS: I am not generally attracted to bald guys, and I think that makes me look at myself as less attractive. I know that I think some guys look good bald, but I still maintain that most guys look better with a full head of hair. Sometimes I wish I'd rather lost a limb or an eye. I'd just get a cool peg-leg, gauntlet-hand, or fake eye because I think that those things are sexier than looking like a plague-ridden old man.

I got same kind of problems that you got, I think the same way you do. My mind is controlling me and cant think without questioning my looks. I'm not questioning my looks when I'm in front of a mirror but when I cant see myself, my mind starts speaking with me. Its damn annoying, I'm good looking but the frequent paranoia from my head when I cant see myself takes my attitude and self confidence away.

So my conclusion is that I need to stop my damn self speaking mind. Because whatever problem someone might have, it all comes down how you deal with, and you will need to understand whom you are before you can deal with those problems. At least I have started to think like this, it is the most logical solution to any problem someone might have. But it takes time for anyone with problems to understand this, for me it has taken 3years. And man I lived like a zombie those 3years and almost  got to a point where I could kill myself just because I couldn't accept my hair loss or the person I was about to become.

Today I see this time as a maturity process for me and I think I'm back on track.

[KeyserSoze]

Jodah777, my friend... all I can say is, you CLEARLY do not live in San Diego!

If you did, you would get over your baldness insecurity in no time, trust me.  More than 75% of the sly (or buzzcut-with-horseshoe-pattern-baldness) men here who are both (1) Caucasian, and (2) not tourists, are gay.  And, looking at it from the other direction, at least 50% of all gay men in this city are either totally bald or are substantially balding.  So whether your mantra is "strength in numbers" or "misery loves company", you'd have it made.

As a side note... San Diego is NOT the place to be bald and straight.  The vast majority of women here -- even older women -- won't touch a bald man with a ten-foot pole.  Go out into the Gaslamp District on a Friday or Saturday night (or the other areas with hetero clubs and such), you will find no sly -- unless they are working as security guards.  In fact, you will find no straight men with anything less than a flawless head of hair in such places (not including the military men, who would have a full head of hair if they let it grow).  So, basically, I'm screwed... and not in a good way.
Sorry for the digression...

[BlackJamesRackham]

Jodah777, my friend... all I can say is, you CLEARLY do not live in San Diego!

If you did, you would get over your baldness insecurity in no time, trust me.  More than 75% of the sly (or buzzcut-with-horseshoe-pattern-baldness) men here who are both (1) Caucasian, and (2) not tourists, are gay.  And, looking at it from the other direction, at least 50% of all gay men in this city are either totally bald or are substantially balding.  So whether your mantra is "strength in numbers" or "misery loves company", you'd have it made.

As a side note... San Diego is NOT the place to be bald and straight.  The vast majority of women here -- even older women -- won't touch a bald man with a ten-foot pole.  Go out into the Gaslamp District on a Friday or Saturday night (or the other areas with hetero clubs and such), you will find no sly -- unless they are working as security guards.  In fact, you will find no straight men with anything less than a flawless head of hair in such places (not including the military men, who would have a full head of hair if they let it grow).  So, basically, I'm screwed... and not in a good way.
Sorry for the digression...

Is this really true? I was thinking of moving out there, but if it is going to affect my luck with the ladies, I dunno

[KeyserSoze]

Is this really true? I was thinking of moving out there, but if it is going to affect my luck with the ladies, I dunno

Sorry, BlackJamesRackham, I should have added a qualifier to that last paragraph:

"If one is black, Hispanic, or any skin tone other than basic 'white', the above does not necessarily apply."

Areas like the Gaslamp District in SD are largely white and yuppie-ish, but there are other equally upscale spots that draw a bit more of a diverse crowd, and one is likely to find some slys there (but still few that are both Caucasian and hetero).
 
So... assuming the avatar is your actual photo, you have nothing to worry about.

[Tyler]

As a side note... San Diego is NOT the place to be bald and straight.  The vast majority of women here -- even older women -- won't touch a bald man with a ten-foot pole.  Go out into the Gaslamp District on a Friday or Saturday night (or the other areas with hetero clubs and such), you will find no sly -- unless they are working as security guards.  In fact, you will find no straight men with anything less than a flawless head of hair in such places (not including the military men, who would have a full head of hair if they let it grow).  So, basically, I'm screwed... and not in a good way.
Sorry for the digression...

Whoa!  Whoa! Whoa! 

I was in SD a couple weeks ago hanging out at the HardRock hotel and partied in the Gas Lamp.  I will tell you that women had no problem with the fact that I was bald and I'm pretty sure it helped in a couple instances.  It's all about your confidence bro! 

[KeyserSoze]

Whoa!  Whoa! Whoa! 

I was in SD a couple weeks ago hanging out at the HardRock hotel and partied in the Gas Lamp.  I will tell you that women had no problem with the fact that I was bald and I'm pretty sure it helped in a couple instances.  It's all about your confidence bro! 

Hi Tyler,
There could be a couple factors at play here:
1) Were you there as a tourist?  And were you hanging out with other tourists?
2) Is your avatar an actual picture of you?  If so, are you Hispanic?  The "bald" realities appear to be considerably different for white slys as opposed to black, Latin, etc.  Remember George Carlin's joke about what white men with shaved heads look like?
3) In response to your statement that women didn't "have a problem" with the fact that you were bald... I didn't mean to suggest that SD women are going to run screaming from the room if a bald man enters... just that they are generally regarded as much less appealing, and a large percentage of SD women seem to not want to associate with them (perhaps out of fear of what their friends will think, or whatever).

[J Digory]

Well, you're speaking from your own experience here, so no one can justly say you're wrong. But I do suspect it's more internal than external. Long before I was bald I never thought twice when I saw a bald guy, and I always happen to see bald guys with attractive women on their shoulder. And I'm not distinguishing between the races, because I don't think there actually IS a distinction to be made. Because a comedian said so doesn't make it true, man.
And yeah, my experience mainly comes from NYS, but hey...it's been my experience in my travels that people are people and you run into similar people wherever you go. NY and KY seem to regard baldness exactly the same...so did Montana and numerous other states. I'm not trying to argue with you or prove you wrong. I'm just suggesting that it's a problem you have and you're possibly projecting it onto others. But hey, I could be wrong. I don't know you or our experiences.

[KeyserSoze]

Well, you're speaking from your own experience here, so no one can justly say you're wrong. But I do suspect it's more internal than external. Long before I was bald I never thought twice when I saw a bald guy, and I always happen to see bald guys with attractive women on their shoulder. And I'm not distinguishing between the races, because I don't think there actually IS a distinction to be made. Because a comedian said so doesn't make it true, man.

Very true, and I didn't mean to suggest that society as a whole does (or should) consider shaved heads on persons of a particular race as being more "attractive" or "acceptable" than on other races.  The original point I was making seems to have gotten lost.  I was simply stating to the original poster that if he lived in San Diego, he might feel considerably more accepted (and accepting of himself) being that he would be around such a huge population of similarly follicularly-challenged gay men.  Because the majority of white men with shaved heads AND visible horseshoe-pattern baldness that I see in this city (and who are natives, not tourists) are gay.

And yeah, my experience mainly comes from NYS, but hey...it's been my experience in my travels that people are people and you run into similar people wherever you go. NY and KY seem to regard baldness exactly the same...so did Montana and numerous other states. I'm not trying to argue with you or prove you wrong. I'm just suggesting that it's a problem you have and you're possibly projecting it onto others. But hey, I could be wrong. I don't know you or our experiences.

But... New York State, Montana & Kentucky are much different than superficial and looks-fixated Southern California.  And not that the gay community here is not looks-fixated as well -- their focus is just from the neck down.  Many look like they starve themselves, but it is clear they don't worry about their hair (or lack thereof).  The straight guys, on the other hand... less focused on the body, more on the hair.

[Tyler]

Whoa!  Whoa! Whoa! 

I was in SD a couple weeks ago hanging out at the HardRock hotel and partied in the Gas Lamp.  I will tell you that women had no problem with the fact that I was bald and I'm pretty sure it helped in a couple instances.  It's all about your confidence bro! 

Hi Tyler,
There could be a couple factors at play here:
1) Were you there as a tourist?  And were you hanging out with other tourists?
2) Is your avatar an actual picture of you?  If so, are you Hispanic?  The "bald" realities appear to be considerably different for white slys as opposed to black, Latin, etc.  Remember George Carlin's joke about what white men with shaved heads look like?
3) In response to your statement that women didn't "have a problem" with the fact that you were bald... I didn't mean to suggest that SD women are going to run screaming from the room if a bald man enters... just that they are generally regarded as much less appealing, and a large percentage of SD women seem to not want to associate with them (perhaps out of fear of what their friends will think, or whatever).

1.  I was there visiting, but they didn't know that.
2.  I'm as white as you get. 
3.  Women rarely, if ever, put hair (or lack of) as a high point on how they rate guys.  It's all about how YOU carry YOUrself. 

[dog20]

Who cares bro, if someone doesn't like you for being bald... then why would you want to associate with that person in the first place?  Its good that you've found out how pathetic they are asap.

[J Digory]

Well, you're speaking from your own experience here, so no one can justly say you're wrong. But I do suspect it's more internal than external. Long before I was bald I never thought twice when I saw a bald guy, and I always happen to see bald guys with attractive women on their shoulder. And I'm not distinguishing between the races, because I don't think there actually IS a distinction to be made. Because a comedian said so doesn't make it true, man.

Very true, and I didn't mean to suggest that society as a whole does (or should) consider shaved heads on persons of a particular race as being more "attractive" or "acceptable" than on other races.  The original point I was making seems to have gotten lost.  I was simply stating to the original poster that if he lived in San Diego, he might feel considerably more accepted (and accepting of himself) being that he would be around such a huge population of similarly follicularly-challenged gay men.  Because the majority of white men with shaved heads AND visible horseshoe-pattern baldness that I see in this city (and who are natives, not tourists) are gay.

And yeah, my experience mainly comes from NYS, but hey...it's been my experience in my travels that people are people and you run into similar people wherever you go. NY and KY seem to regard baldness exactly the same...so did Montana and numerous other states. I'm not trying to argue with you or prove you wrong. I'm just suggesting that it's a problem you have and you're possibly projecting it onto others. But hey, I could be wrong. I don't know you or our experiences.

But... New York State, Montana & Kentucky are much different than superficial and looks-fixated Southern California.  And not that the gay community here is not looks-fixated as well -- their focus is just from the neck down.  Many look like they starve themselves, but it is clear they don't worry about their hair (or lack thereof).  The straight guys, on the other hand... less focused on the body, more on the hair.

Man, all you can talk about is gay guys being bald. Damn, dude. It's not just in this thread, you started a big long discussion about it before. I don't know what to tell you other than it's in your head. I was talking to a friend from SD and he says you're high.

[Jodah777]

For a while I had been doing well to try and change how I feel about many things that get me down. I tried to warp my perspective or use my fluctuating logic to rearrange how I perceive things. The problem with that is simple; I CAN'T CHANGE WHO I REALLY AM OR HOW I REALLY FEEL. To even try makes me a poser and a phony. I put on false bravado and nonchalance because I care so much it burns me out. I care so much that I shut off my emotions in order to not care. I noticed that if I stay out of public, I feel less miserable. I notices that in public, I fawn all over these hot guys with hair. The fact that they have that much of an instinctual effect on me makes me depressed because like it or not, hair is a sign of youth, vitality, and beauty, recognized by the uncontrolable subconcious. All I ever hear is that I need to change how I think or feel in order to move on. Well, should I change from being a gay Atheist to a straight Christian for the sake of ease and sanity? Should I deny how I really feel just to delude myself into accepting something that I feel doesn't fit me? I really don't know the answers, but I'm not going to try and change myself or my prerogative anymore. I'm not accepting the only answer out there because I DON"T LIKE IT! And furthermore, I don't have to. I didn't bottle up my feelings about my sexuality or my religious views, and I'm certainly not going to bottle up my dismay at feeling visually inferior. IT'S OK TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THINGS THAT GET YOU DOWN.

[Razor X]

.... I noticed that if I stay out of public, I feel less miserable. I notices that in public, I fawn all over these hot guys with hair. The fact that they have that much of an instinctual effect on me makes me depressed because like it or not, hair is a sign of youth, vitality, and beauty, recognized by the uncontrolable subconcious. All I ever hear is that I need to change how I think or feel in order to move on. Well, should I change from being a gay Atheist to a straight Christian for the sake of ease and sanity? Should I deny how I really feel just to delude myself into accepting something that I feel doesn't fit me? I really don't know the answers, but I'm not going to try and change myself or my prerogative anymore. I'm not accepting the only answer out there because I DON"T LIKE IT! And furthermore, I don't have to. I didn't bottle up my feelings about my sexuality or my religious views, and I'm certainly not going to bottle up my dismay at feeling visually inferior. IT'S OK TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THINGS THAT GET YOU DOWN.

OK, well there's your answer, then.  Lock yourself up in your room, never venture out into public ever again, and enjoy being miserable.  Sounds like a great solution to me.   

[Sly Red]

Jodah,

I'd like to give you the benefit of my experience as a gay guy who is twice your age.  Here on SBG we know very little about you, therefore it's hard to give guidance.  Do you work, are you in school, do you have a large circle of friends?

If your primary social venue is gay bars I'd highly recommend you open up your sphere to other areas.  Find some activities for gay guys that don't center around the bar scene.  I did this for years and I can assure you hardly any frienships of substance will ever come out of it.

I was probably forty before I got really comfortable in my own skin.  I stayed in a toxic relationship for many years because I was afraid of not finding something better.  Finally I had the good judgement to know what I did NOT want in a relationship and started seeking partners on that basis.

Perhaps a larger change in your life is in order.  I don't want to turn this into a political rant, but perhaps Virginia is not the best place to feel good about oneself.  After all they have gone out of their way to legislate against gay people to further marginalize them.

Tell us what you do want, as opposed to what your not getting in your life and perhaps more constructive ideas will start flowing in your direction.

SimplyRed

[BlackJamesRackham]

Is this really true? I was thinking of moving out there, but if it is going to affect my luck with the ladies, I dunno

Sorry, BlackJamesRackham, I should have added a qualifier to that last paragraph:

"If one is black, Hispanic, or any skin tone other than basic 'white', the above does not necessarily apply."

Areas like the Gaslamp District in SD are largely white and yuppie-ish, but there are other equally upscale spots that draw a bit more of a diverse crowd, and one is likely to find some slys there (but still few that are both Caucasian and hetero).
 
So... assuming the avatar is your actual photo, you have nothing to worry about.

Ahhh gotcha. Well that's good. Thanks, Keyser!