A "first reaction" memory

[Vash]

(NOTE: I want it made clear as this story unfolds that the girlfriend referred to herein, was a few years younger than me, somewhat socially oblivious and was prone to referring to ALL babies as “monkeys”. She has a thing for monkeys and says that infants remind her of little monkeys. It really was meant innocently.)

When I first started shaving my head (a few years ago), I found myself and (then) girlfriend having dinner in a local Chinese food buffet. I was dressed as I normally did in those days, jeans, Doc Martins, t-shirt (exposing tribal tattoos on my arms), chain maille necklace, 0g earrings, Navy Pea Coat (It was winter) and she in a non-descript jeans & t-shirt ensemble. While we sat enjoying our egg rolls and sweet and sour whatnots, the baby in the high chair at the table next to ours was particularly vocal. Not crying or carrying on, but just babbling and laughing and having a good time in it’s little baby way.

My girlfriend looked over and smiled and started to talk, maybe not TO, but towards the baby. “Aren’t you a cute little monkey? Yes, Yes your a pretty little monkey” and so on. The baby giggled back and began to engage her as any baby will do to anyone who uses the right tone of voice.

The Childs’ parents however weren’t as pleased as their daughter. They looked over at my girlfriend, then at me and upon taking me in; I swear I thought the kids’ dad was going to come out of the booth at me.

I should mention at this point in the story that the baby and parents in question were of African American descent (and apparently body builders, both of ‘em), while I am a pasty white boy (2nd generation American) of Irish lineage, and my girlfriend was a pale beauty with blonde hair and blue eyes.

I casually interrupted my girlfriends’ baby flirtation, with a hand on her hand saying calmly and quietly “honey, lets let these nice folks finish their dinner”.

“I’m sorry, I swear, she calls ALL babies monkeys, and she didn’t mean ANYTHING by it... and please, don’t let the haircut fool you”. I said to the kids parents sliding my hand over my clean shaven dome, with a wink and a nod to the dad (whose head was shaved as well).

My girlfriend became first confused, looking from me to them, to the baby and back. Then she turned BRIGHT pink and began apologizing profusely. She quickly explained that it never even entered her mind that calling a baby a “monkey” could be taken the wrong way and that she speaks Spanish and volunteers in Mexico with orphans (true story), and that we really, REALLY aren’t racists at all.

Ultimately, apologies were accepted and offered again and accepted and the dad and I even talked briefly about razor preferences. Then we quietly finished our dinners, paid the check and left.

I had never even thought that I might be mistaken for a “skin head” before that day. But since then, it’s not the only time it’s happened, even though now I wear UtiliKilts almost all the time and none of my tattoo work is what I’d call “Neo-Nazi” at all. I have been approached my “Skin Heads’ in public who seem to think I am one of them a couple of times, or that they mistake me for another ‘skin’ that they know.

It stuck in my craw for awhile after that day that it’s wrong that I sat in a restaurant with my head shaved and had another shaven headed man think me a racist because I am white and have my head shaved. I realize it’s the world we live in, but I still can’t stand being associated (even only in the minds of others) with Neo-Nazi’s and racists. I still get the hairy eyeball in heavily ethnic neighborhoods and establishments. Just bums me out. Sometimes.

[Tyler]

Yeah, those kinds of encounters can be a bummer.  I go to a very racially diverse gym and I used to get a lot of guys at the gym looking at me like I'm racist.  I think it's because I get a really serious and focused look on my face when I workout.  This went on for about a month, even though I would try to give a smile and courtesy nod if I made eye contact.  Then one night I was there I ran into one of my buddies and my former trainer, both whom are black and well known by all of the guys at the gym.  It was then that all of the looks changed into smiles.

Fortunately, when I'm with my wife, I don't get those looks.

This is also one of the reasons that I make a point that I'm very open to all bald men joining Sly Bald Guys.  I want to help break the image that just because a white guy is bald he's not a neo-nazi and black, mexican, and asian guys that are bald are not gangsters or thugs.  We're all just cool guys that have chosen to shave their heads.

[happyharry]

Hi Vash,

I must say, I really enjoyed myself reading your post. It was a blast! Hahahah, I had a good laugh.

But of course, there's also a more serious aspect to your post. And that's something I've encountered as well - having attention on the question whether people perceive you as a skinhead, a thug, a bully or some other shady member of society.
Yes, it can be tough at times dealing with this. And the worst thing is: you mostly deal with yourself (with your mind) most of the time rather than with people's actual reaction. You wonder how people perceive you. You wonder whether the weird looks you get, whether the less than friendly reaction you get from people when you deal with them, is due to the fact that they think you're a thug or skinhead or something.

Sure, you can always smile to make sure people know you're none of these things. But that would be insane. Why should you smile all the time like an idiot? Sometimes  I don't feel like smiling. Sometimes I'm upset or angry, sometimes I want to look mean for some reason or another, just like everybody else (especially "normal" people with hair). And Tyler can't be smiling constantly when he's lifting I don't know how many pounds at the gym. None of us can.

I think it's best to just express whatever you feel at any given moment in time, and not get stuck on the idea how you might look to others. Now, I'm not saying that you're stuck on this. Not at all. But as far as I'm concerned, it sometimes happens that I have my attention on these things. And I think we should not let the fact that we're bald affect the way we express our emotions or our attitude to the outside.

It's a hard thing for most people (not just bald people) - being "themselves". And with us it can be even more difficult, for we look different from most people. And difference is always a tough thing to deal with in society, especially if it's you who is different. It's got to do with acceptance, it's got to do with other things as well. But if we stay true to ourselves then, in time, these petty little things will no longer bother us.

You're a great poster - I really enjoyed reading your post. How come we haven't seen more of you so far?
Hope to read more from you from now on...

Harry

PS: a month ago or so I checked out your website. You're one hell of a drummer!
I'm still practising with the spoons...

[Robmeister]

Remember, black folks have to deal with the same issue at times as well.  Ever heard that song by Living Colour called, "Funny Vibe"?   

"No I'm not going to beat you"
"No I'm not going to rob you"
"No I'm not going to rape you"
"So why you wanna gimme that funny vibe"

It's about people automatically thinking they're gangstas just because they're black.

(Living Colour is an all black rock band......A KICK ASS band, by the way)

[Razor X]

It stuck in my craw for awhile after that day that it’s wrong that I sat in a restaurant with my head shaved and had another shaven headed man think me a racist because I am white and have my head shaved. I realize it’s the world we live in, but I still can’t stand being associated (even only in the minds of others) with Neo-Nazi’s and racists. I still get the hairy eyeball in heavily ethnic neighborhoods and establishments. Just bums me out. Sometimes.

With all due respect, I don't think people are perceiving you as a racist because your head is shaved.   The incident in the restaurant happened more because of your girlfriend's comment than anything to do with your appearance -- but surely you can see why, following such a remark, the other parties then took note of the way you were dressed, the tattoos, the earrings -- and yes, your shaved head -- and drew an incorrect conclusion.  If it hadn't been for your girlfriend's remark, then most likely none of these other things would have been an issue.

I really don't think most people think "neo-Nazi" or "racist" when they see a white man with a shaved head anymore, since so many white guys are shaving these days.  You have to look at the total package.  If you dress a certain way, and have tattoos and piercings, you're going to be perceived differently than a guy who has a shaved head and no tattoos/piercings wearing a business suit.   I discovered a long time ago that I got better service in stores when I was wearing a suit than I did when I was wearing jeans.  And that was before I started shaving my head.

It's an unfortunate fact of life that people pre-judge others on the basis of appearance.  I don't know what the answer is.

[Razor X]

  I go to a very racially diverse gym and I used to get a lot of guys at the gym looking at me like I'm racist.  I think it's because I get a really look on my face when I workout. 

That is really interesting, because the gym is the one place where I see a lot of shaved heads.  There are at least as many guys with shaved or closely buzzed heads as full heads of hair, perhaps more.  Anywhere else I go, I may see a couple of shaved heads in the crowd, but the gym is the only place where I don't feel like part of the minority.  In fact, most of the men I see in the locker room fooling with their "hair" are old men with elaborate combovers. 

[Professor Melon]

  :(Vash: I can understand your frustration with that black couple's reaction to your wife's innocent words and the stereotyping of your image, although I have not yet experienced a similar incident. PC is now so fanatical that, because of sheer ignorance and EAGERNESS to find fault/racism, you can't even risk uttering a word like "niggardly"--which MIGHT sound prejudiced to an illiterate. As usual, Harry and RazorX have the keenest insights: be yourself, smile when it is appropriate but don't overdo it, which smacks of patronizing and a very unsteady sense of self. Because of the social history  of our country, you probably still won't win over everyone wasting for a confrontation.  Fortunately, as RazorX mentioned, the day when shaving one's head could be equated with extreme-right skinhead politics is largely past. One reason SBGs have to be affirmative is that it's up to us to change the perception. Professor Melon

[Tyler]

  I go to a very racially diverse gym and I used to get a lot of guys at the gym looking at me like I'm racist.  I think it's because I get a really look on my face when I workout. 

That is really interesting, because the gym is the one place where I see a lot of shaved heads.  There are at least as many guys with shaved or closely buzzed heads as full heads of hair, perhaps more.  Anywhere else I go, I may see a couple of shaved heads in the crowd, but the gym is the only place where I don't feel like part of the minority.  In fact, most of the men I see in the locker room fooling with their "hair" are old men with elaborate combovers. 

My story was from a couple of years ago.  At that time, there were very few white guys with shaved heads that worked out when I did (around 9 or 10 pm).   Now there are a ton of guys from all races at the gym with shaved heads whenever I go.  That's why I'm excited to wear on of my shirts to workout next week   

[ar3inc]

Vash, first off welcome to a great group and thank you for a great story.
Personal note from my experience is short hair and doc's just usually will draw those reactions.  When I was in high school I simply buzzed my head with like a 1# guard and wore doc's.  Another quick note I have dark hair, dark eyes, fairly dark skin and very much appear of Latin descent.  I had two classmates ask if I was a skin head.

[Vash]

Thanks for all the welcomes and kind words gentlemen. Much appreciated and I’m glad you enjoyed reading it.

I realize and understand that the whole story was contextual and that there were a lot of subtleties involved in the exchange and that my haircut was only one part of that whole situation.

While I don’t spend my time walking around making assumptions about the folks around me based solely on the way they look (Though, like everyone else it’s happened a few times), I assume that others aren’t either. That being said, I have definitely noticed a higher instance of weird looks, questions, assumptions and (sometimes) hostile treatment towards me since I began shaving my head.

Now I come from a background as a performer (musician) and have been pierced, tattooed and kilted for years now. I am no stranger to being stared at, giggled at, questioned and whispered about. I expect it, I’m used to it. But this situation was something of a turning point.

Since that time, I have been approached by “Skin Heads” in public who seem to think I am one of them, or they have mistaken me for another ‘skin’ that they know. I have been asked directly if I am a skin head. And once in a while the looks and whispers in the grocery store or Laundromat are not always the same amused interest that they were before I started shaving my head.

Now I’m not saying this happens every time I go out (far from it), the vast majority of folks don’t seem to bat at eye at my haircut, they are usually more curious about the kilts than anything else. This rare public reaction is just a different kind of attention than I ever received before shaving my head.

Anyhow, I look forward to spending more time on the boards here and sharing more experiences with you guys.