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#15 by Mikekoz13 on 14 Feb, 2008 19:19
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Oh JDOG!! Politically incorrect but very funny!
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#16 by Timmay on 14 Feb, 2008 20:42
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Two guys walk into a bar...............
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#17 by Tyler on 14 Feb, 2008 22:04
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Two guys walk into a bar...............
What, the second one didn't see the first one do it? -
#18 by Timmay on 15 Feb, 2008 20:18
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Two guys walk into a bar...............
What, the second one didn't see the first one do it?
They were blind...
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#19 by Tyro on 15 Feb, 2008 22:52
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They were blind...
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?'' The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND -
#20 by champ007 on 15 Feb, 2008 22:58
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,
standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself.. It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men. what's your name?" she asked.
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer
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#21 by SlySurfer on 15 Feb, 2008 23:55
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True story from Orange County, California:
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account. -
#22 by cory_rudy98 on 16 Feb, 2008 15:41
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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "What? Steve?" -
#23 by JDog on 16 Feb, 2008 15:46
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True story from Orange County, California:
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.
Tony I'm not calling you a liar but this "story" sounds awfully familiar to another story that Ben Affleck recounts in the movie Good Will Hunting. -
#24 by Rafter on 19 Feb, 2008 07:40
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While fishing off the Florida coast, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old guy standing on the shore, the Yankee shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."
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#25 by Mikekoz13 on 19 Feb, 2008 09:36
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this one's for all the Harley guys out there:
What do fat chicks and Japanese motorcycles have in common?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you on them........
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#26 by D.A.L.U.I. on 19 Feb, 2008 09:47
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Things you dont say to a Mortician when business is slow...
Kinda dead around here isnt it?
People are dying to do business with you. -
#27 by Timmay on 19 Feb, 2008 21:33
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whats black and white black and white black and white and read all over???
A newspaper....
bada bada bing!!!!!!!!!!!! -
#28 by BaldBen on 21 Feb, 2008 10:21
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whats black and white black and white black and white and read all over???
A newspaper....
bada bada bing!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's black and white and "red" all over?
NOT a newspaper.....bada bada bing!!!!!
Take a guess. What ya think? -
#29 by Timmay on 21 Feb, 2008 14:30
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Prolly Timmj rolling down a hill in his red and whites after getting the sh*t beat out of him for making an appearence....