My friend needs help (confidence)

• My friend needs help (confidence) by Vince on 26 Aug, 2016 08:03
• Now that I am officially sly and loving it, I am more aware of friends of mine who are exactly like I was.  I never really noticed it before.  I wore hats religiously all the time for 9 years straight because I was petrified of anyone seeing my MPB.
  
  Now I have realized that I have several friends who also wear hats 24/7 because of the same reason.  I was never aware of this before, but now I recognize it quite easily.  One friend of mine saw me completely bald out in public and was amazed at me.  He kept saying things like, "Wow Vince!  Wow, just wow!!!  I can't believe you did it!  Wow!  I wish I had that kind of confidence.  You look so good bald, but unfortunately, I don't because I have a funny shaped head so I just wear hats all the time."
  
  Of course I immediately shared with him that I felt the exact same way as him for 9 years, but that I have now completely reached the acceptance stage and there is no going back for me EVER!  The more he was around me, he soon took off his hat and was walking around in public as long as he was with me.  I do a weekly entertainment gig and he started coming there every week without a hat.  He says he feels more confident when he is around me, but less confident when he is by himself.  The last time I saw him, he put his hat back on and looked at me with an ashamed kind of look.  He hasn't come back to my weekly gig since.
  
  I told him about this forum.  I told him about the 30 day rule.  I told him how just about every bald guy in the world who has MPB goes through exactly what he is going through.  Right now, he is still convinced that it is ONLY HIM that is going through it.  Man, I can so relate to that feeling.  We feel isolated and we do feel like we are the only one in the world going through it.
  
  So anyway, I haven't seen him in a few weeks.  I think it's because he is back to wearing hats again and thinks he is letting me down.  One thing I do want him to know is that whatever he decides is completely his decision and I won't judge him for that.  However, he wants to be more confident like me and I am not sure how to get him there.  He's really a nice guy and here's the thing:
  
  He has a GREAT head shape and looks very good bald!
  
  He just can't see it.  In his mind, he looks silly.   
• #1 by Sir Harry on 26 Aug, 2016 11:54
• Nothing wrong with encouraging your friend, but I wouldn't over push him. If he comes to you and brings it up on his own, then I would just try to encourage him slowly. But we also have to realize that everyone is going to come to terms at different levels and some will never come to terms at all. I have a friend with MPB that used to wear hats, but recently his dad passed away and his dad had severe MPB but kept it close and never shaved. He said he was going to stop wearing hats (which he did) to honor his dad, but he still keeps his horseshoe close. What I'm getting to is that while the consensus on this forum is for everyone to shave it if they're losing it, there's nothing wrong with not shaving it if you feel comfortable being partially bald and wearing hats for protection more than concealing it.
• #2 by Vince on 27 Aug, 2016 04:13
• Hi Sir Harry and thanks for your reply!
  
  Like I said before, he was the one who came at me with an abundance of enthusiasm when he saw my shaved head in public without a hat on.  I didn't go to him.  He was full of questions and all I did was answer his questions and then try to encourage him.
  
  Remember when I said he has a great head shape and looks good bald?  How do I know that?  Because he DOES shave his head.  When he was around me and got the courage to remove his hat in public, he was sporting a very good looking fully shaved dome.  I thought his put mine to shame.  Lol!
  
  So apparently he made the decision to shave his head long ago, but doesn't have the confidence to let people see it.  He told me that he is very sensitive to people's comments and reactions.  He said he tried to be in public with his shaved head once and some guy made a negative comment and that made him feel so badly that he put his hat back on and doesn't want to take it off anymore.  His exact words to me were, "Vince, I just don't feel confident without my hats and I don't like that feeling."
  
  I do hope I see him again soon.  I agree.  I definitely will not push the issue.  I am only here as a friend to encourage and help him, if he wants it because I know what he is going through.  I know that feeling.  I've been there, but I will NEVER go back there again.
• #3 by Vince on 27 Aug, 2016 04:19
• I should also add that this guy has everything going for him.  He is about 6 feet tall and works out a lot.  He is in super shape.  He body builds at the gym.  And he also has a full beard and a perfectly shaped head.  He has so much going for him.  It's crazy!
  
  He just doesn't see it.
• #4 by Vince on 31 Aug, 2016 10:42
• My friend showed up to my gig last night.  Yep, he was wearing a hat. 
  
  I didn't make any comments on it whatsoever.  I just greeted him as usual and said it was nice to see him.  I told him we all missed seeing him the last few weeks and we had great conversation.  I never mentioned him wearing a hat or the subject of being bald at all.  As the night went on, he took his hat off.  At the end of the night right as he was leaving, he put his hat back on.
  
  Here is a pic of he and I from last night:
  

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• #5 by Tyler on 01 Sep, 2016 07:52
• Give him some time. You've planted the seed, but it can take time for the roots to take hold.  Don't be surprised if in the near future that something gets him to realize it's time to shave.
• #6 by Vince on 02 Sep, 2016 06:16
• Great advice Tyler!
  
  Yep, I'm not pushing it at all.  And remember he already shaves his head regularly.  See the pic?  Smooth clean shaved head.
  
  He just doesn't want anyone to see it, hence the hats all the time.
• #7 by ThePangolin on 06 Nov, 2016 10:39
• I don't know your friend, but from what you've shared I think he is on the road to embracing the bald look.
  
  I don't believe in trying to convince people if they just aren't there yet. All our efforts, no matter how genuine, often come off as tryin to command or order someone around, compelling them to accept something they just can't comprehend yet.
  
  I think time is the only real effective way for a man to accept this particular issue. For those of us whom it's not a trial to go through, we are lucky I suppose! 
  
  It may be most effective to let time and life work out what your friend will decide. In the meantime, subtly letting him see the benefits and positive responses of your own bald head and others could really help him feel like "on earth of the club" so to speak, and really encourage him to think differently about himself. But again, trying to tell someone this doesn't usually work, it's time.
  
  I would invite him more often to participate in thing sulure a part of, so that he can see people accept you despite or even because of your head. Maybe you have bald friends you could have around him as well so that he sees it's not just you who is happy.
  
  Good luck and I really hope that no matter what he chooses, he is happy with himself. In the end, what matters is if you can look in the mirror at the end or beginning of the day and smile as you walk away, rather than frown.
  
  Edit: i came across this video and thought it may be helpful for your friend, perhaps... I dont agree with everything the man in the video says, particularly some of the comments at the end, but the main point hes making and his courage is notable. Thought id pass it on.