Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice? - page 2 -

• #15 by agentfortyseven on 01 Aug, 2016 10:55
•  Hey Mike,
   Thank you for sharing your story that is encouraging to hear. Yes I have been trying to really approach each day with what can I do to make the girls, and her day better and then try and do whatever I can to help out. I finally after many many years offered to take over handling the the bills and balancing the account she has hated doing it for ever and I never really stepped in because she was good with it and good with numbers, I just hope it's not too late. I even got up this morning to make her coffee and breakfast as yesterday she told me she never has time in the morning to make any coffee or eat much before work. I hope that she can see I am really making an effort to be more present, and involved. I know I had pulled away big time overy the last few years. Yes I think I will look for that book and movie, my sister in law made the same recommendation. Thank you so much!
• #16 by buddha on 01 Aug, 2016 15:50
• Quote from: agentfortyseven on 31 Jul, 2016 18:59

  Hey buddah,
  I totally get the if she's thinking of leaving she's already gone,  and I may very well have missed my chance to save it. But I am not going to "Prepair for a war" with her we both love our children and I will not do anything to try to damage the relationship our girls have with thier mother she is still a good mom.
  

  
  I get where you're coming from and I did perhaps overstate what I was thinking. My point is that you have a suspicion that there may have been infidelity here already and that you now have to consider what your future relationship is going to look like with your kids. If she wants out she's going to get out and there's nothing you can do about that. But you can exercise a measure of control over what happens between you and your kids in the future. That's the thing that I suffered with for years and continue to be pained about. I know you want to be the good guy and not affect the relationship the kids have with mom. My concern is that she may not be as considerate when it comes to you and your relationship with the kids.
  But you and I are different people and my ex and your wife are different people so maybe your situation will turn out more positive than mine did.
• #17 by agentfortyseven on 05 Aug, 2016 10:08
• Wierd I tried to post an update last night but it looks like it is gone not sure what happened. Anyway the marriage counselor was terrible, she heard my wife say she feels like she wants it to be done so the lady says ok then looKS to me and basically said well it sounds like this is where she is and it's up to you to catch up to what is happening WTF? So it looks like she is adamant about separating and really want to be on her "own" from awhile and nothing I can do or say will change that. I put own in quotation marks because I have a feeling she is still texting or talking with that guy, and regardless of what happens with us I really don't want him involved if we are separating there is a lot to figure out with that and none of it involves him, I can't confirm my suspicion it's just a feeling I think because anytime she is around with the kids and I and we actually have a good time, she'll pull away and become more distant the following day, so it just seem like she's trying to start a relationship with someone before we've figured out how to end this one and if that the case that is just such a shitty thing to do not only to my but our kids as well. Maybe I'm just too old fashioned but that just seems really F'd up if that's the case. I told her before if she can't wait until things are final then to move out now but feel the kids should stay here until things are sorted out. Se hated that and said she's not leaving the kids they're everything to her but it seems like she has already left them. cannot afford the house payment on my own so we're talking about just selling the house and clearing all of our debt. She keeps saying that she wants to keep talking and working on our friendship and maybe after living separately for a while we take a look at where we are with eachother and reevaluate things. Seems all well and good but I just don't know what to believe, I really wanted to tey everything and see if we could make it work especially for the kids. My oldest gave me a big hug last night and thanked me for trying so hard to make things work and told me she really doesn't want this to happen and she wishes mom would just relax and spend time with us and try to stay, I haven't talked with her much about it since she's only 8 but she seems to understand so much more than I expected as kids tend to do she is definitely an "old soul". After she thanks me for trying she said dad no matter what happens I want  you to try to be happy and know that I always love you. She is such a sweet kid, and it just breaks my heart thinking how difficult it might be on them if or when my wife and I separate
• #18 by Sir Harry on 05 Aug, 2016 11:25
• Agent 47,
  
  I have to wonder did she meet with the counselor alone before your meeting to kind of "set you up" into a trap? Anyway, your older daughter sounds like a very smart young lady and your kids are blessed to have wonderful parents. Life is too short to force something that's just not working for the two of you. It's going to be painful for all of you, but you have to take it one day at a time. Keep us posted regardless of the outcome between you and your wife.
• #19 by agentfortyseven on 05 Aug, 2016 11:56
• Yeah I was wondering if she might have called the counselor beforehand? oh well I can't do much about any of it other that as you said taking it one day at a time and trying to be the best father I can be while trying to find things to make myself happy or improve my life, maybe I'll pick up a guitar again haven't played in nearly ten years. Next couple days are going to be awkward as we're having a birthday party for our youngest daughter and only one or two of the people coming know what's going on. I think we've both been in kind of a holding pattern until after the party then I get the feeling she'll want things to proceed fairly quickly afterwards. Yes she is an amazing little girl and I believe her mom and I are very lucky to have such wonderful daughters. I just hope she doesn't try to demonize me to the kids and try to blame everything on me while she's with them. I am really worried about that. Thank you Sir harry you guys have been great through all of this. I'll keep you posted hopefully things get better
• #20 by agentfortyseven on 05 Aug, 2016 12:08
• I see so many people make big changes after ending a relationship or going through a divorce, lots of guys might shave thier heads for instance. Well hell I've had my head shaved for over a couple years now and not interested in shaving anything else!  I wonder, should I go back to having hair after the divorce.......I think I look ok bald I'm under no illusions I know I'm no Bruce Willis or Jason Statham or any other famous bald guy but I think I can get away with looking ok bald. Sorry for the strange post I've never put much thought into how I look even with a shaved head but with all this crap going on my confidence is huddled up in a tinny hole beneath the underground bunker. I've noticed women glancing hear and there when I'm at stores and what not but that was before and I never thought of it and usually assumed they were looking at something or someone behind me. Now I'm worrying if my choosing to be bald just doesn't look quite right. Anyway I'm sure I'll have plenty of posts that ramble on and on as I try to navigate my way through my family falling apart.
• #21 by Lew on 05 Aug, 2016 12:38
• Your marriage counselor sounds like a straight shooter; she calls it like she sees it.  She could probably work a bit on her soft skills but that doesn't necessarily make her a bad counselor.  You just didn't like what she had to say coupled with the manner in which she stated it.  She's basically telling you to break away from your denial about your relationship being over and to face reality.  I know it sucks and it hurts and it seems unfair but it's reality and reality can be harsh at times.
  
  Also, your wife talking to you about a friendship and a possible reconciliation down the road is just telling you what you want to hear.  She probably has no intention of trying to make things work but by her giving you pseudo hope probably gives her somewhat of an emotional break from the intensity of your current marital situation.
  
  My advice to you is to seek out counseling on your own.  Many people view individualized counseling as a sign of weakness when in reality it can give you the strength you so desperately need right now.  Talking with guys on this forum is a good first step but it's akin to placing a Band-Aid on a gaping wound.  You need more than that and you deserve much more than that as well.
• #22 by Sir Harry on 05 Aug, 2016 13:49
• As far as the part about staying bald...If you want to go back to hair for yourself, then do it, but the last thing you want to do is make changes you don't really want to make because that would give her the impression that she has power over you whether she's there or not. After my divorce, I decided to grow a beard, because I knew it was something I wanted and something she didn't care for. (not totally her fault because I had not yet retired from the military) As a presumably soon to be single man, there's no shame in trying something for/on yourself that you were afraid to do because of your wife/kids. Another thing in your favor is you're still at a young enough age to recover and rebound. Stay strong!
• #23 by buddha on 05 Aug, 2016 16:15
• Sorry, I have to go back to my original post. Delete the second one, I was trying not to be controversial. But scratch that. You, my bald amigo, are about to get the rug yanked out from under you. The reason I say this is because what she said about spending time apart and then reevaluating is almost word for word what my ex said as she was packing up the conversion van and getting ready to move to where the grass was greener. So you can continue to be a good guy or you can be a good guy with a good lawyer.
  I think there must be a divorce guide that only women are made aware of that has a glossary of terms that are designed to make guys like us compliant.
• #24 by agentfortyseven on 05 Aug, 2016 22:16
• Yes I do have concerns that she's not being completely honest about much. While so far both of us want to keep lawyers out of it and have agreed to go to a mediator t sort out the stuff we're not sure about as far as what we should do next or how to work out various things that we haven't thought about.  But I told her the one thing I'm not willing to mess with and I want put down officially is my time with the kids we've agreed 50/50 split  is good but I may have to take them more while she's in her current job she's trying to leave. All I'm worried about is getting screwed over on my time with the kids if we can keep that fair I'll be happy and the house is in my name only and all the credit cards are in her name but were used for us both as was the house obviously. The house has gone up quite a lot in value so if we sold it should be enough to wipe all the debt we both carry and a little bit to get us started.  I do appreciate the heads up I am hopeful we can settle this amicably, however I'm not totally convinced that I can trust her or take her word for anything after what she's done.
• #25 by agentfortyseven on 07 Aug, 2016 23:45
• Well the past few nights my oldest daughter has been having a hard time sleeping and crying around bed time, so I finally asked if it was because of what is happening with her mom and I and she just broke down crying and told me she really doesn't want us to separate and she doesn't want this for her life, and she just doesn't understand why mom wants to move out. That has been so heartbreaking! She asked me to keep trying to make things better with mom, so I told her as long as she wants me to keep trying I will try to make things better but I told her that it's not likely to work out because I think mom has already made up her mind to move out and just doesn't want to live with me any longer.  Why I told her I would keep trying she just started bawling saying thank you. I really wish my little girls did not have to deal with this I just keep telling them both that I love them no matter what happens, and that mom loves them also. and I'll still spend as much time as I can with them.
• #26 by Dragon on 08 Aug, 2016 01:30
• Stay strong
• #27 by slymyke on 08 Aug, 2016 09:40
• Sorry to hear about the counseling session.  i hope you are able to go again...to a different person... Individually and together if possible. 
  
  Your 8 year old daughter does sound amazingly mature in her words and I doubt she would be swayed by any attempts of your wife to demonize you, but keep doing what you are doing and reassuring both of your daughters along the way.  They will know the truth.
  
  
• #28 by Kevets on 24 Sep, 2016 08:57
• I'm way behind in this thread but I'm gonna throw my big mouth in anyway.
  
  This story is completely heart-wrenching.   
  
  I spent this year dealing with a divorce, but thankfully it was a lot easier than this story.  We had simply grown apart and felt like we were only roommates and burdening one another, so we decided to go for it.  Our biggest concern was our daughter, who as expected, had a hard time processing the whole thing, mostly because she has a couple of friends who are caught in the middle of very bad divorces.   We took it slow and honest with her and right now she's in her room here at my house resting before her and I go out later.  She's pretty much good with everything now that she sees nothing bad is going to happen.
  
  I was lucky enough to have the advantage of my ex-wife being in law which allowed her to produce the proper paperwork for the court and avoid an attorney but I definitely wouldn't recommend that for all couples.  We're able to talk openly and honestly about things but from what I've seen from the divorce stories here that doesn't seem to be common.   Mostly I would recommend an attorney simply because although our paperwork was near perfect, Friend of the Court recommended minute changes such as removing one word here and there to remove any context issues.  We did well but I think we got lucky.
  
  I've been around here for a while but don't post much.  I read occasionally but I've decided that completely bald just isn't my thing so I walk around with the usual pattern baldness.  I'm 45 but still can't grow anything better than a puberty beard so my options are limited.   This concerned me in regard to hopefully finding someone new but even after a year of divorce proceedings, quite a bit of self-doubt, and a major self-image/self-confidence problem, I'm proud to say I have a hottie for a girlfriend.  A girlfriend who isn't afraid to touch my head whether there's hair or not.   She says don't change a thing.  Which is good because other than my confidence level, not much changed for me as a person over the past year.
  
  The point of all this rambling is to not give up or feel defeated.   Even though I knew a divorce was the right way to go, I had a hard time with it after being with her over twenty years mixed with the fact that I don't 'hate' her like it seems I'm supposed to.  My life is proof that when something good goes bad, something even better will take it's place.
  
  Best of luck with your situation.