Moral dilemma..

[VFRWolf]

Bottom line, what if it was your daughter at the other ladies house?  Would you want to be told?  I would. 

A couple years ago, a friend of my daughters told her she'd been raped and was afraid to tell her parents.  (we're not sure she was, but treated it like she was).  I told my daughter, that since she told me, it was my obligation to tell the parents.  I would want them to tell me if it was my daughter.  Thankfully my daughter and I have a relationship that I don't think she would be afraid to tell me.  Anyway, we contacted the girl, told her that her parents needed to know, and she should tell them, if she didn't, we would.  She did.

[Chico D]

I think that situation is far more serious than a teen sneaking a smoke.  I think for now, a warning is good.  Everyone's still happy, nobodies hurt, no mothers are freaking out.  However you should try and scare this girl off of the smoking, as I mentioned before.  If it persists, well then, go ahead and tell the mom

[X The Hierophant]

I see what you're saying Sooner.  I suppose a lot of it depends on a matter of perspective of how the parent in question would react.  Personally, I would let it ride since smoking isn't going to cause immediate harm to the teen, but I can see where you would feel compelled to tell.  To comment on VFR's post, rape is a entirely different ballgame than smoking  .  I would bring the parent and the authorities in on that one.

[Bald_freak]

I see what you're saying Sooner.  I suppose a lot of it depends on a matter of perspective of how the parent in question would react.  Personally, I would let it ride since smoking isn't going to cause immediate harm to the teen, but I can see where you would feel compelled to tell.  To comment on VFR's post, rape is a entirely different ballgame than smoking  .  I would bring the parent and the authorities in on that one.

rapist don't get the justice they deserve. F#@! the authorities. Give me 5 minutes alone with a baseball bat, then call the coroner.

I would talk to the girl and if she is smoking try to get her to tell her mom on her own. parents act differently. Best to not say anything directly or it my blow back in a negative way. My parents were cool about it. My mom asked me what kind I wanted when she went to the store. But I also Had friends that got thier @$$e$ beat when thier parents found out.

[wpruitt]

Magma, Chances are that her mom has some idea.  If Mom is not a smoker, she can smell it on her clothes and person.  If she hasn't smelled it yet, she will.  You may want to point this out to Ethel.  Mother's also have the ability to deduce these things.  I would point this out to her as well ... And I don't think I would mention it to mother unless it occurs again!

[Tyler]

One thing to consider (and you probably already have) is that if she's friends with your kids she could be a huge influence when it comes to getting them to try smoking.  As hard as it is, I would talk to the mom and let her know what you found because if this becomes a problem later and her mom finds out that you knew about it, she could react even worse then.  Though, if her mom gets on her, it could make her want to smoke more if she's in the rebelling stage.

[Razor X]

Maybe a good way to get the girl to not want to smoke any more, and to nip it in the bud, explain how smoking makes your skin age faster, and it will turn her from a pretty little girl into an old, wrinkled hag very fast.  Hopefully it will scare her and she will spread this to her friends.  People tend to get more scared when you mention the vanity parts of the whole thing instead of, say cancer.  The cancer seems so far away and impossiblw to them

Don't use that approach.  The girl's mother is a smoker and she'll be offended if those comments get back to her (which they will).

[VFRWolf]

Agreed rape and smoking are apples and oranges, but same principle applies, what would you want to happen if it was your daughter and her friends mom?

[Razor X]

Agreed rape and smoking are apples and oranges, but same principle applies, what would you want to happen if it was your daughter and her friends mom?

I don't have children so it's a little hard to relate to the parents' point of view, but here's my two cents' worth: 

I think MB should try to talk to Ethel first -- and let her know she won't tell her mother this time, but if it ever happens again, she definitely will -- and give her the Smoking Lecture with the usual talking points.  It might be more effective coming from MB than from Ethel's own mother.  Her mother smokes herself, so in a way she lacks the moral authority to tell her daughter not to smoke.  At least, that is the way the daughter will probably see it.  And it might not be a bad thing for MB to establish some trust with this girl.  It would be good for her to know that there is another adult out there she can talk to about things that she might not want to discuss with her own mother. 

If this were a more serious infraction - drugs, sex, etc. , instead of smoking, then I'd say the mother needs to be told right away. 

JMO.

[wpruitt]

There is a good chance that when she burns one or two nice pieces of clothing or people (meaning boys) start  talking about how she smells like an ashtray, her habits may change!

[don]

Magma,I think the mother should be told. You should tell the mother that you spoke with Ethel and she was very understanding and promised not to do it again. After all it is her daughter. I just don't think it's right that you should know and not her own mother.Just my opinion.

[jusbnme]

love to know your opinions on this.

A friend of mine (and I use the term loosely) who is also a neighbour has a daughter the same age as mine. (For the sake of this story, we'll call her Ethel lol) They're good friends with each other and at times are more like sisters, in fact, she's like another daughter to me (except I can send this one packing when she drives me crazy!  )

long story short, my daughter is away on holiday with her friends and family, but I said it was okay for her mate to stay over one night (she's a lovely girl, always wanting to help out and keep the boys entertained etc..) and it's nice to have her around while I'm missing my Daisy. Anyway, yesterday, I had to go to the supermarket to pick up a few things and Ethel asked if it would be alright to stay in the house while I go. Seeing no problem with this I said yes, but when I came back, the first thing I noticed was the smell. She'd sprayed copious amounts of deodorant downstairs. When I asked Ethel about this, she said that she'd felt 'stinky and sweaty'  so fair enough. I then went into the bathroom where I discovered the small window wide open and I could also detect a faint smell of smoke, as well as a minty smell (mouthwash) obviously you guys can see where this is heading...
I asked Ethel outright wether she had been smoking to which her reply was no. Now, I think that this is a blatant lie and my dilemma is, should I mention this to her mum? I don't have any evidence of cigarette butts or anything, but it's obvious to me that she was smoking...

My wife and I had this discussion one time for some reason.  I think it's because I use to smoke and we were wondering what we would tell, or do, to our son if we ever caught him smoking.  In my opinion I think you should just talk to her yourself first.  Explain the health risks of smoking and all the other negatives such as bad breath, clothes smelling, etc...  Yeah, she might not listen worth a s--t but at least you put everything out there.  Let her know that you know you, or her mom, can't physically stop her from smoking but that you just care about her enough to at least educate her on the health risks.  With this girl being such a good friend of your daughters and more of a sister to her I'm not sure if I would totally rat her out right away.  Like some others have said.  This the first time you have caught her.  So you could just try and scare into quitting by telling her that you aren't going to say anything to her mom this time but, as a parent yourself, you will have to let her mom know if you catch her doing it again.   

[Bald_freak]

Agreed rape and smoking are apples and oranges, but same principle applies, what would you want to happen if it was your daughter and her friends mom?

If this were a more serious infraction - drugs, sex, etc. , instead of smoking, then I'd say the mother needs to be told right away. 

JMO.

Agreed