Moral dilemma..

[MagmaBabe]

love to know your opinions on this.

A friend of mine (and I use the term loosely) who is also a neighbour has a daughter the same age as mine. (For the sake of this story, we'll call her Ethel lol) They're good friends with each other and at times are more like sisters, in fact, she's like another daughter to me (except I can send this one packing when she drives me crazy!  )

long story short, my daughter is away on holiday with her friends and family, but I said it was okay for her mate to stay over one night (she's a lovely girl, always wanting to help out and keep the boys entertained etc..) and it's nice to have her around while I'm missing my Daisy. Anyway, yesterday, I had to go to the supermarket to pick up a few things and Ethel asked if it would be alright to stay in the house while I go. Seeing no problem with this I said yes, but when I came back, the first thing I noticed was the smell. She'd sprayed copious amounts of deodorant downstairs. When I asked Ethel about this, she said that she'd felt 'stinky and sweaty'  so fair enough. I then went into the bathroom where I discovered the small window wide open and I could also detect a faint smell of smoke, as well as a minty smell (mouthwash) obviously you guys can see where this is heading...
I asked Ethel outright wether she had been smoking to which her reply was no. Now, I think that this is a blatant lie and my dilemma is, should I mention this to her mum? I don't have any evidence of cigarette butts or anything, but it's obvious to me that she was smoking...

[schro]

Tough one. Just curious...do either of her parent's smoke?

Explain to Ethel the consequences of lying. Tell her that you're really troubled by her answer given the fact that you smelled spray, windows were opened, and the mouthwash thing. The idea that lying would have an impact on your relationship with her and the trust you place in her. It sounds as if you really don't want to tell her parents. Tell her this.

[MagmaBabe]

Tough one. Just curious...do either of her parent's smoke?

Explain to Ethel the consequences of lying. Tell her that you're really troubled by her answer given the fact that you smelled spray, windows were opened, and the mouthwash thing. The idea that lying would have an impact on your relationship with her and the trust you place in her. It sounds as if you really don't want to tell her parents. Tell her this.

Yes, her mum does smoke. She's a teen and teen's like to experiment/do things that they know they shouldn't. It also has a lot to do with peer pressure, lot's of her friends do it. In the uk, girls are a hell of a lot more likely to start smoking than boys. But saying that, I did kinda hope that Ethel wouldn't fall into the same trap that a lot of the other young girls around here fall into, she's always seemed to me to be a little more sensible. Guess I was wrong! (Make sense?  )

It's not so much that I don't want to tell her mum (she has no contact with her father) I think I'm more worried about what the consequences would be for her if I did tell, the severity of the punishment. In a way I feel I'm duty bound to tell her mum in the sense that I would want someone to tell me if it was my daughter, it's normally the way that I look at things, by putting myself in the same situation. But, like I said, am worried to what her mothers reaction would be...

[schro]

That would be of concern. Her mom might consider you to be meddling and implying she can't tend to her own kids. I do think that confronting Ethel would be your best bet.

[Chico D]

No big deal...she could have been smokin worse haha.  Just tell the girl, "I'm pretty sure you were smoking, I'm not gonna tell your mom this time, but next time I smell smoke in my house, I'm letting her know"  Thats it.  It'll probably scare her enough not to do it again, not in your house at least.

[MagmaBabe]

I can see where you're coming from, and I'm inclined to agree. I will tell her mum if she does it again though!

thanks Almighty Schro, for being my oracle, I'll let ya know how it goes!! 

and thanks Chico, for chiming in  least some of ya have balls! 

[X The Hierophant]

I'm going to vote with Chico on this one.  But keep in mind I have no kids so I don't really know what the hell I'm talking about.  Just my opinion...

Good luck whatever you decide 

[shyslyguy]

Magma B,

I've got to agree with Chico D & X on this one,

I think it would be a big mistake to tell on the girl for a "first offense" ... much better to do as Chico suggests, that way you'll earn the girls trust & gratitude (for not dropping her in it) & you'll have clearly laid down boundaries that she knows she can't cross again ... win/win situation.

If you tell her mum this time you'll possibly just cause resentment (& more secretiveness)

Good luck anyways 

[Sooner Steve]

Magma:  Here are my thoughts on what you should do.  As a parent, how would you want this situation handled if it were the exact opposite i.e. your daughter was caught smoking at a neighbor's home.

Would you rather the other parent keep it a secret from you and risk your learning about it later?

Would you rather the other parent tell you and risk ruining the relationship with your daughter?

Would you rather the other parent absolutely ignore it?

Would you rather the other parent tell your daughter that "I won't tell your mom this time, but if it happens again ....."

I have a 13 year old daughter - not that that makes me an expert by any means.  However, if it were me, I would want you to tell me so I could visit with my daughter.  I think I would be disappointed in our friendship if it happened a second time and then you told me about the first time.

Just my opinion - that and $8 will get you a cup of coffee @ Starbucks.  Good Luck.

[X The Hierophant]

If she were smoking a crack pipe or was a cutter or something serious I would agree.  But smoking (while not good for you) is not at all uncommon, and kids will experiment.  If I were a parent and I was not told on the first offense, I would habor no ill will towards the other parent.  The kid is on Magma's turf, so to me it is her call.

Not trying to be argumentative (I repect your opinion Sooner  ) ... just my thoughts.

[Chico D]

Maybe a good way to get the girl to not want to smoke any more, and to nip it in the bud, explain how smoking makes your skin age faster, and it will turn her from a pretty little girl into an old, wrinkled hag very fast.  Hopefully it will scare her and she will spread this to her friends.  People tend to get more scared when you mention the vanity parts of the whole thing instead of, say cancer.  The cancer seems so far away and impossiblw to them

[BALDANDRE]

I would do what the other guys said...just sit her down and play on her "oh I thought we we're good friends and can trsut each other"...play it up and put it more on her!

This may end up being something that bonds you both even more...

Good luck...and hey, I've got the b@lls to speak up!

[Sooner Steve]

  If I were a parent and I was not told on the first offense, I would habor no ill will towards the other parent.  The kid is on Magma's turf, so to me it is her call.

Not trying to be argumentative (I repect your opinion Sooner  ) ... just my thoughts.

X.  I hear you.  I think in a round about way you and I are agreeing.  By your statement you are asking yourself, "how would I react."  You say you wouldn't be upset if you were not told about the first incident.  Hey, if that is the way you would react, I respect you.  I was just trying to point out to Magma that she might want to consider how she would want it handled if she were on the other side.  I think that is what you and I are both saying.

[Robmeister]

Magmababe...good to hear from ya again, dear.

I tend to lean with Chico & X as well with this caveat:

In my house, LYING is worse than the offense.  Now my kids are too young to smoke...but, they have 3 chances to come clean under the lights, man.

Anyway, not sure how to do it, but can you convey to Ethel that smoking you can overlook...but LYING doesn't cut it with you.

[PigPen]

Yup