Getting rid of Vanity..

[oakdan5]

I admit that I have always been a vain person. I am not sure how it developed but I have a couple of thoughts on the matter. When I was young I was always complimented on my looks and the girls who liked me, liked me for that reason. Another reason was when I was growing up my dad put a lot of emphasis on my looks (lil strange) but he had some seriousness narcissicsm going on and always tried to live through my vicariously. I also was never confident in myself or my abilities...for the most part. I wrapped a lot of my self worth around my looks and felt that was the only reason people would be friends with me and why girls would like me. I know it is a stupid thing but I think it happens to a lot of people esp here in America. When I started losing my hair it really hit me hard, like I was losing my whole self-worth because I felt that I was getting ugly as that is what society would feed me. Now that I have tried the shaven head thing and have got some positive feedback the vanity is still there. I will take one bad comment and it will effect me, even if there is more good than bad. I had one women comment that she thought I was 45 this last weekend (im 31) and it has been getting to me. I have never been told I look that old with hair...I think the oldest was 34. But most people have thought I was younger than my age since i have shaved my head. I shouldnt care about it much, it probably was just a bias given she was older and likely not as in tune with the new younger head shavers out there. I realize I have always put too much of an emphasis on the way I look past the point of normal healthy point of taking care of yourself etc. I really have never been known for my 'personality' except with some close friends. I have always been the quiet, reserved type and generally do quite poor in meeting people and being popular since my college times. I want to get rid of this character defect and work on my personality and confidence more and get rid of this vanity. It has always been an obsession for me and wonder if anyone else has had this problem or has ideas on how to be less vain.

[Marshal S.]

Writing what you have just written is a good start.  Make a list of all the things you like about yourself and a list of those things you don't.  Reread these on occasion to remind yourself what you're moving away from and what you're moving toward.
Find friends who reinforce the positives in you and lose those who like to bring you down.  It's meeting a need in them and has nothing to do with you.
Each time you start thinking about your outward traits, interrupt yourself by saying, "That doesn't matter.  I'm a good person." Or something on that order.  Keep doing that every time you start to worry over outward things.

All people, remember negative comments more than positive comments.  Ninety-nine people can compliment someone and they won't take the compliments, but that one person who said something negative. . .that person must be right.

I can tell from our brief inactions there is a lot of good in you.  Let others in and they will see that too-I'm sure of it.

[slymyke]

Are you taking a survey when you go into a place, asking the women to each guess your age?  If so, resist that temptation. I'm guessing that women aren't just walking up to you and guessing your age.   I would imagine that if you ask them how old they think you are, some of them are going to be thinking, "He must be asking because he is much older than he looks, so I will guess a higher age than he looks, so I will be closer to being right".  These women are "over-thinking" it.. and it is probably not how old they think you look.  

Being attractive and age are independent of each other.  Just be confident in who you are and the rest will take care of itself.  A little bit of vanity is not a bad thing...it is what makes each of us want to look our best each day.  Vanity and confidence can also be independent of each other.

Also, you said the woman who thought you were 45 was older...-maybe she was hoping you were older than 31, to bridge the gap.   After all, you were talking to her.  ; )

You think the girls when you were younger were liking you because of your looks.   They were probably more into the confidence you fronted because you thought you looked good.  Embrace your new look.  It does look good.  You can move FORWARD with confidence in that.  There are always going to be people that don't like ANY particular hair style, so move on to the next.  

[Marshal S.]

I can tell from our brief inactions there is a lot of good in you.  Let others in and they will see that too-I'm sure of it.

That should say, "brief interactions" 

[oakdan5]

Writing what you have just written is a good start.  Make a list of all the things you like about yourself and a list of those things you don't.  Reread these on occasion to remind yourself what you're moving away from and what you're moving toward.
Find friends who reinforce the positives in you and lose those who like to bring you down.  It's meeting a need in them and has nothing to do with you.
Each time you start thinking about your outward traits, interrupt yourself by saying, "That doesn't matter.  I'm a good person." Or something on that order.  Keep doing that every time you start to worry over outward things.

All people, remember negative comments more than positive comments.  Ninety-nine people can compliment someone and they won't take the compliments, but that one person who said something negative. . .that person must be right.

I can tell from our brief inactions there is a lot of good in you.  Let others in and they will see that too-I'm sure of it.

Thanks it is a large growing phase for me. I wish it would have started when I was younger. I think I will get a lot of confidence out of all of this.

[oakdan5]

Are you taking a survey when you go into a place, asking the women to each guess your age?  If so, resist that temptation. I'm guessing that women aren't just walking up to you and guessing your age.   I would imagine that if you ask them how old they think you are, some of them are going to be thinking, "He must be asking because he is much older than he looks, so I will guess a higher age than he looks, so I will be closer to being right".  These women are "over-thinking" it.. and it is probably not how old they think you look.  

Being attractive and age are independent of each other.  Just be confident in who you are and the rest will take care of itself.  A little bit of vanity is not a bad thing...it is what makes each of us want to look our best each day.  Vanity and confidence can also be independent of each other.

Also, you said the woman who thought you were 45 was older...-maybe she was hoping you were older than 31, to bridge the gap.   After all, you were talking to her.  ; )

You think the girls when you were younger were liking you because of your looks.   They were probably more into the confidence you fronted because you thought you looked good.  Embrace your new look.  It does look good.  You can move FORWARD with confidence in that.  There are always going to be people that don't like ANY particular hair style, so move on to the next.  

A little survey from me and women also. In this case she asked me..and was flirting with me a lot. She looked good i actually though she was closer to my age..but she was in her early 40s... which really is not old, i just have that bald concern going on that i have aged a decade. I know I need to resist the temptation I been trying to I guess find out how this look reflects on others which is dumb in itself because external validation is a poor way to build confidence. It is a phase and I will get through it, working out the kinks and the new identity.

[slymyke]

[/quote]

 working out the kinks
[/quote]


That's the right attitude   

[MarshalArtist]

Also, you said the woman who thought you were 45 was older...-maybe she was hoping you were older than 31, to bridge the gap.   After all, you were talking to her.  ; )

You think the girls when you were younger were liking you because of your looks.   They were probably more into the confidence you fronted because you thought you looked good.  Embrace your new look.

Slymyke is right.  She thought you were "in her league."  That was a compliment.  There is nothing wrong with being in your early forties.  People think you've worked your sh--stuff out. This culture has a fear of aging and wants to be forever young, but it isn't a good idea. Be happy that she was in to you and go from there.

. . .working out the kinks and the new identity.

Hey, it's still you.  A better looking, slyer you, but you nonetheless.  Embrace being you and be confident that who you are is good enough.  Your looks are not as important anyway, as you've discovered.  It's whether they find you comfortable with yourself.  That was what had the forty year olds and the twenty year olds interested in you.  Not your hair.  I know you're struggling right now, but remember to keep saying, "That's not important.  I'm a good person."  It will eventually sink in that this is true.  

Besides which, you don't want to date people who want to change you.  They don't like you. They like what they think they can make you become.  That NEVER works out.  I cannot stress that enough.  You want people who like you just they way you are.  No one will like everything about you, but the ones who really like you will accept those things warts and all.  Those women and those friends are the keepers.