The very thing I sought refuge in...is holding me captive

[Gracie]

    This seems like a great site and I look reading many post and conversing with people of like mind.  I would like to briefly touch on my hair loss experience, where I am currently at and what the future holds for me.  I'm sure there are many men on here who have been where I've been and where I'm at. 

     I started losing my hair at 22.  I still remember drying my hair off with a yellow towel as I stepped out of the shower.  I was almost paralyzed with fear.  That day in College started a harrowing cycle of looking at my hair in the mirror every chance I got, reading article after article regarding hairloss, causes and solutions. 

     I wore my first hair piece at the age of 27.  The stylist advised against as I had to much hair.  It was an awful hair piece.  The base was thick and it gave my face an odd and irregular shape to it.  I wore it for one year and then shaved my hair, which I still had a lot of.  Nevertheless, I still longed for a full head of hair.  I didn't like the bald look.  At the age of 30 I discovered Topikk and for the 3 years it worked wonders.  Alas, I eventually had more Topikk on my head than my own natural hair. 
 
    In 2010, I relocated to Florida.  It was a "perfect opportunity" to wear another hair system.  This time the system looked fantastic, however, the maintenance (in the hot humid weather) became unreal and unbearable.  After 2 months I ripped it off, and shaved my hair. Again, I didn't like the way I looked and began wearing the hair system 4 months later. 

    I've been wearing hair since Decemeber 2010.  The only fortunate thing, is I order them and apply them myself...a stylist cuts it in for me.  This has saved me tons of money.  However, even that isn't enough for me to continue wearing the system.

    As my subject line states, 'the very thing I sought refuge in...is holding me captive.' It has been my experience, that it's just  a matter of time until people discover you are wearing a hair system.  I could name several instances where a female was interested in me, but once she discovered I had a hair system the interest was gone (except for my current gf). Additionally, I could name 100's of times where people have had a smirk on their face...knowing my hair was fake. Since having a system on, I have developed a wicked case of social anxiety. I no longer do the things I once loved doing.  To walk in Walmart at 12pm to get groceries is the equivalent to the rest of society having to do public speaking.  I long to be able to go to the beach and not worry about my piece falling off, to be able to do martial arts, to go for a jog without wearing a hat, to sleep next to my gf without worrying about the system beginning to come off, to be able to go into ANY public setting and not worry about someone realizing my hair isn't real.  Those are REAL life issues you don't see on the infomericals.   


       Fortunately, I work in a field that enables me to move around quite a bit.  I received a phone call today and will be working in a different area in about 6 weeks.  For the past year, I've wanted to get out of the hair system.  Now is my chance. My current gf has not asked me about the system...but I'm 100% sure she knows.  Is she going to accept me if I shave my head?  Honestly, I do not care.  We all get ONE shot at this side of eternity.  I'm finished living life scared.  I'm finished being a victim and a prisoner of my own insecurities.  In 6 weeks, I'm going to go with a low cut fade and live life unrestrained.  I will control the things I can...my wardrobe, my clothing, my mannerism's, my finances, etc...

    To all of the guys out there who are wearing a hair system or are thinking about wearing a hair system, I have one word for you...DON'T.  Everyone on this planet knows at least 100 people who are bald or are balding.  No one laughs at a bald guy...because balding is common.  A hair system is not common, but will be commonly mocked and ridiculed.  Now that I'm 35 and not 22, I realize hair loss isn't as big of a deal as I once thought it was. 

    I have grown to understand, you have to take what you have and make the most of it and in the end...that will be more than enough. 

    Sorry this post was long winded.  This post is a chance for me to expel my own demons and hopefully deter someone else from becoming a prisoner of their insecurities. 
 
    I will keep everyone updated.
   

[MarshalArtist]

Great testimonial to taking ownership of your issues and mastering them.  I congratulate you on taking this step. This will be healing for you.

[slymyke]

Awesome post, Gracie! 

I'm glad you are going to be done with the hairpieces.  It is amazing how you were able to live with the funny looks and the odd shape of a hairpiece more than a stylish shaved head or even a naturally occurring balding head for so long.  I think you have made a great testimonial for those who are considering this option to rethink it for many reasons. 

We are in your corner, bud.  Let us know how you make out, and if you need any support/encouragement along the way.

[reddog]

A few months ago, I went into the bathroom at 4am and shaved my full head of hair off.
nobody knew I was going to do it except my s/o, and she thought I was kidding. I was amazed at the lack of reaction, and the acceptance from friends and family. About a 95% approval from everybody. Lots of women loved it. Shaved heads are everywhere now. I love the look, feel, and boost in attitude being bald gives me. I guess I'm just trying to say that we make a bigger deal out of it than anyone else. I hope you do what you feel is right for you. Good luck with whatever you decide, Gracie.

[Sir Harry]

Welcome, Gracie! We have plenty of members here who are current and former "system" customers. Maybe some of them can chime in about their experiences. That said, glad to have you join us, and there is no time limit on when you take the plunge (if you want to). Feel free to ask any questions, and you're among friends here. Good luck and take care!

[isleepinthebuff]

Not sure I actually know 100 people that are bald or balding but maybe I don't get out much

I think people are much more accepting of baldness. people are much more accepting to people who clipper or shave their hair now as it's seen you're taking control.

I've been surprised by some systems I've seen, they look good. Not for me but they look better than I thought!

At the end of the everyone needs to take their own joruney to happiness. What works for one, may not work for another nut support from others and advice is key! 

[Timmer]

My only regrets about shaving was that it took me so long to do it the first time and every time I've let it grow out.

[geeman]

Welcome to the brotherhood, great post, and one that will register with a lot of people..do it....embrace it....and relish in the thought of "why have I taken so long" enjoy your newfound freedom....no cares if you shave your head, no one sniggers behind your back, but spot someone in a wig....and people stare and often laugh.... That must be awful....do it...and start enjoying a worry free life

[Tim1776]

Hi Gracie,

As a guy who can relate to a lot of what you wrote, I figured I'd chime in with my perspective...

First, take a deep breath.  You're going to be alright, whatever you do.

Second, know that you're NOT a captive.  Yeah there are a whole lot of down sides that go with the piece that a lot of us didn't see before going with it.  But you CAN choose to be alright, either way.  There was nothing wrong with having a tough time losing your hair, and nothing wrong with trying to do something about it.  There IS something wrong with allowing it to consume you, as it's preventing you from living the life you want to leave.  You're living in fear, and there's no reason to.

Third, TELL your girlfriend.  If she already knows, then there's no problem, right?  The problem comes when you can't come to grips with your situation.  I speak with real experience here - I was with one girl for WAY too long before I told her, for fear of what she would think - I'd really buried it pretty deep.  By the time I told her, enough distance had built up between us that, in the end, the relationship didn't work.  It was truly devastating to me (and what led me to this site), to think that I lost someone I'd loved tremendously, for years, largely because of that.

When I DID tell her, you know what her response was?  "That's it?"  Inside, I thought, "That's it!?!?!"  You need to remember that nobody cares about your hair, and that even if it bothers the hell out of you, it's just not something that matters to them.  When I told my next girlfriend (MUCH earlier) you know what she said?  "Oh...well, I like you no matter what your hair looks like."  When I told my sister, she said, "Well, I think you look great!"

NOBODY CARES, unless you do.  And, probably, nobody is laughing at you either.  And people who laugh at other people based on their appearance are usually doing it from their own issues, not yours.

So my advice to you is to tell her.  Don't get upset, or act a victim, because you're not.  Yeah, it sucks, but calmly explain that you were really young, thought you were being proactive, and have been thinking about going in another direction.  If you approach it from that angle, rather than from one of fear and shame, I guarantee you she'll be ok with it, and you'll be much more ok with yourself.

I'm a bit of a history fan, and there's a great section from Ulysses S. Grant's Memoirs where he talks about his first time leading troops into battle in the Civil War, and the anxiety he felt.  I've always loved it, as it applies to any fears one might have when worrying about other people and their attitudes toward you:

"As we approached the brow of the hill from which it was expected we could see Harris' camp, and possibly find his men ready formed to meet us, my heart kept getting higher and higher until it felt to me as though it was in my throat. I would have given anything then to have been back in Illinois, but I had not the moral courage to halt and consider what to do; I kept right on. When we reached a point from which the valley below was in full view I halted. The place where Harris had been encamped a few days before was still there and the marks of a recent encampment were plainly visible, but the troops were gone. My heart resumed its place. It occurred to me at once that Harris had been as much afraid of me as I had been of him. This was a view of the question I had never taken before; but it was one I never forgot afterwards. From that event to the close of the war, I never experienced trepidation upon confronting an enemy, though I always felt more or less anxiety. I never forgot that he had as much reason to fear my forces as I had his. The lesson was valuable."

You're alright.  Good luck.

Tim

[USA man]

I feel a prisoner of my insecurities...I'm not even old enough to drink legally yet. My dream is to not care what other people think of me and to think I look attractive whether or not I really am.

[chgobuzzbald]

Don't ever feel like a victim, none of us ever are. Once you decide and refuse to be a victim of your own thoughts everything starts to change. If you want a book try The Key by Joe Vitale.

[50plus]

It takes guts to open up like that.

You say you 'longed' (past tense) for a full head of hair. It really seems now that you have pretty much got over that hurdle and ready to move on.

It IS a 'jouney' and often an individual one that is quite personal with feelings about the whole situation running deep a lot of the time. I sense you are over that.

As I've mentioned in previous posts I wore a hair program for 8 - 9 years and I'm with you 100% when you advise 'DONT'. You and I both know the 1000 reasons why.

You're going to go through another journey but you are stronger now. You have all the reasoning for such a decision  in your post. You have to carry it through though for it to be complete.

In a short period of time you will be so much happier. Words cannot describe how happy I am right now with the decision to ditch the hair program several months ago and shave.

Towards the end of your post you spoke as if you had made the move and were advising others. I liked that. I also think you spoke that way because you were also advising yourself. Be yourself and thank you for a fantastic story. You have a lot of respect on this site and lots of support. Great Post.

[slybeard]

We all have insecurities about some aspect of our appearance.  My hair did not start thinning until my late 40's, and I still have enough if I wanted to grow my hair out.  My hair started turning gray while in college.  My hair is somewhat unmanageable and I could never wear whatever the current hair style was at the time.  It always bothered me and I would resort to a short hairstyle even when short was not in style (80's).

I always want to have a full beard, but for me my beard did not fill in until my mid 40's.  For most of my adult life, I have also struggled with my weight.  It is somewhat in check, but not where I would like it to be.  I workout, but do not see the results I would like to see.  I will never be mistaken for a bodybuilder.  I am shorter that I would like to be - my teenage sons are both taller than me (which is good for them).

My point is, we can all point to things we want to change about our appearance.  We are our own worst critics - those things that bother us do not matter to others.  I took me many years to learn this.  I think for a guy with MPB, shaving is a statement to ourselves that "I have moved on from this" and it provides a relief that comes across to others as a confidence.  The confidence others see is not from seeing our shaved head, but from our changed attitude.

[slymyke]

 The confidence others see is not from seeing our shaved head, but from our changed attitude.

Great post, Slybeard!  I especially like the last sentence!