Psychological Hurdle

[Scarfears]

Hey everyone,
I posted only once before so some of you may already know but I need to post again to see what's going on and if anyone has shared the same.  First, I'd like to thank IB since he has reached out and has been more than helpful since he has somewhat been through the same thing.  As stated before, my scenario is that years ago..3 years, I had a transplant done.  To be fair, no one can really tell or no one has stated so up to this point, but to my own eyes in the mirror, I feel I look so unnatural and horrendous.  I know the grafts are there.. and I know my hair is still thinning despite propecia/rogaine etc.  I know the scar is there on the back of my head, but yet that doesn't bother me nearly as much as the anticipation of looking unnatural or detectable up front.  

This constant anxiety/worry/obsession has taken over my life for this whole past year, and continues.  I am 34...I'm a man.  Daily I get told I look like a movie star or should be in the movies, or people want to have my physique etc..  when I mention i'm losing my hair or going bald, people look at me like I'm crazy.  I have even visited numerous top restoration surgeons this past year to get more information, mostly all stating I can do more procedures etc.  However, I look at them like they are crazy since when I look at my head, I can tell my hair is getting thinner and since I'm quite active physically, I sweat a lot and my hair looks all that more thin.  I can't imagine being one of those men in life who have had 4/5/6 transplants and numerous huge scars on the back of their head.  And damage on top of the scalp only to know they never achieve the natural look they personally want for themselves.  

I see how just one procedure for me, and knowing my native hair is thinning makes me psychologically paranoid at all times.  I know I do NOT want more procedures.  I know when I think of a life of no worry, no anxiety, no hiding, no trying too hard, etc, and picture me just natural and shaved and enjoying the sun and beach and all life has to offer, I get a great sense of relief and joy inside.  But yet there is that psyche and ego/vanity in me that says I will look ridiculous.  Or I feel I disfigured myself to where I will look horrendous bald.  

I beat myself up for ever having that vanity or insecurity in the first place, yet I still carry it now... and it pisses me off.  I want to just say **** it and be done with it all.. yet I visited the top doctors and even have now been to a few dermatologists and they all say the same.  Your hair doesn't look bad, (even though the ht docs say its not a great job...just not bad) and the dermatologists who I have made look at my hair and the skin beneath however they can to tell me if I shaved it down how unnatural would I look... and they do say wouldn't really be noticeable and if anything is noticeable, can laser there and smooth some things.  

That should give me so much relief to just be free and enjoy life for now, enjoy the hair I have for now since I know I won't get any more, and just take care of it when I need to.  I mention to the docs I would like to start laser hair removal or electrolysis now to do it gradually as opposed to shaving down and looking detectable all at once, but they tell me that is foolish for I look great as is.  Its that constant anxiety of the waiting... the further thinning, etc that keeps me numb inside.  I am not my usual fun loving and charismatic guy since I constantly have that nauseated feeling.  

I picture that day of being free from the hairloss and shaved down, but I still get nauseated of knowing I am gonna be bald one day.  Women who approach me or who I still hang out with on occasion, who I even tell I have a ht and such and who tell me they wouldn't have known and it looks ok, and want to just get in bed with me... I can't focus my attention on them since this internally kills me inside and psychologically messes with my mojo.  I had so much confidence despite my insecurities before... but now I just have insecurity and my confidence is nowhere to be found.  

I know a few guys here have had the HT done before and such and shaved despite it all... hearing your stories and how you got past that lack of confidence/shame/psychological aspect of it all, I'd be grateful to hear it.  I never know how sad of a man I am, till I had to face my demon of insecurity which has made me wake up and know I have to face it head on.  I hope I can still look attractive with the shaved head..no idea why I think I wouldn't...but as you all know...we all think our heads are too big, too high, slopes too far back, or just won't fit my face... till we face it anyways and accept who we are.  Thanks for any feedback that is offered.  

[TheSlyBear]

Welcome to SBG.

You might want to edit your post to use paragraphs. Few people will tackle such a huge block of un-paragraphed text.

[Frontier Guy]

Welcome to SBG.

You might want to edit your post to use paragraphs. Few people will tackle such a huge block of un-paragraphed text.

It would be much easier to read as paragraphs. But still, I read through it.

Your issues with hair loss and the HT are diminishing your quality of life to a degree I cannot imagine. You really need to come to terms with the current situation and move on so that next year, and the year after, you are not here posting the same paralyzing fears.

I mean this with encouragement, but you may want to speak to a counselor about self-image and acceptance.

As you noted, IllinoisBaldy was helpful and I think he is great representation that you can overcome the HT damage.

Ultimately it comes to accepting ourselves. Some things we may be able to change (weight, means of vision correction, etc.) and others we cannot (physical disfigurement, speech/hearing impairment, etc.).

Do you really care that much about what other people think, that you are willing to sacrifice your personal happiness because of their opinions? That's a very poor trade. You deserve better.

I hope others will be along to add their comments. You can overcome this.

[Ming the Merciless]

It's difficult to be neutral here.

Investing so much of your psyche in something as natural as MP baldness is not worth such angst.  Sez Ming.

It's apparently too late to say, "Don't go the transplant route."

A shaved head only says, "I've got more important things to deal with than whether I have a full head of hair or not."  What's on your head is not you; what's in your head is what counts.  Rise above any regrets and move on to "what really matters"--managing your life in a way that focuses on those matters that are really relevant*.

*Hair is not something that should be a focus.  Yes, I know, this is easy to say, but hard to manage. Still...

[Todo Duro]

Scarfears, I've read through your post and to be brutally straight my feeling is that if this is really how you feel you should be seeking psychological help from an accredited therapist because the kind of distress you're in isn't really something that can be dealt with effectively on an internet forum, however friendly or supportive.
I don't mean to scare you or alarm you but this really is the most honest feedback I can give you.
I'll second Frontier Guy in that you can DEFINITELY overcome this but if your problems have become so severe it might well be time to recognize that you need some outside help to focus, regroup and tackle your fears.

I need to point out that I am not a psychologist and I am IN NO WAY entitled to make a diagnosis out of a forum post; I am only suggesting you do this because I suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) in the past to the point I had to seek counseling and take up therapy, and the feelings you describe in your post match the ones I used to have down to a tee: dwindling confidence, lowered mood, anxious and obsessive thoughts, worry about flaws that nobody else seems to notice, all ring very familiar and as far as I know are considered telltale symptoms of BDD. However I can not reinstate my disclaimer strongly enough and if there are any accredited psychologists on the forum I urge them to pitch in.

The good news is that these problems can be dealt with effectively and permanently but again, this will be much easier to achieve with a therapist at hand to help you through it.
Be strong, you really do deserve better than this so keep up the fight.

[Tyler]

I've updated your post and placed it into paragraphs so it's easier to read.

In my opinion you are too focused on what others (girls, doctors, etc.) think of you and what you don't have.  Once you start appreciating what you do have and realize that you should focus on what makes YOU feel your best, then you won't be so dependent on others.

Like others have said, you should seek counseling on this.

[Scarfears]

Thanks Tyler for the editing...definitely looks better and I should have done that from the get go. 

As to everyone else, thanks for the sincere responses and trust me when I say there is no need to be worried about feeling offensive by stating the counseling or such.  I actually have started to attend counseling and I have been pretty open with family/friends about my dilemma.. and I logically know that my way of thinking is  around this whole thing.   I do know there is minimal scaring which is good, its scary to know that some grafts along the hairline that are bigger than others would stand out like a sore thumb buzzed down or shaved possibly as in darker/bigger circles than others.  Needless  to say, that is not a traumatic life ordeal, but it certainly feels it for whatever reason. 

I believe y'all hit it right on the head in regards to BDD..Body Dysmorphic.  It's way bigger of an issue than it really is or needs to be, but sadly it seems that any person who has done the HT route possibly somewhat has suffered from that in one way or another or else we would have never done it.  I agree acceptance in ourselves is key and that's what I'm working towards. 

I still feel there may be some here who may have had the same issues or reluctance I am having when they knew the HT route was not really suitable any longer after already doing one.. or I do still beat myself up some for thinking if I only went to someone better, or I should never have been this insecure in the first place.  What's done is done and I am making progress, and much due to finding this site. 

Guys, this really is a great site and I commend you all for being who you are.  I'm actually quite envious. Many look up to me, but if they only knew... I look up to each of you for knowing what I am just now learning, and for that I look forward to gaining more from this place.  Thanks everyone.   

[slymyke]

Scarfears,

As you have already read the above comments, I agree that good advice has been given.  I just want to add one more encouraging thought:

You can go from handsome with hair to handsome Sly.  When you reach that point, it will be a new version of yourself.  I'm sure you have seen this with famous men who have been on both sides of the equation and they seem just as happy and well-received as ever. 

If you have had confidence as a man with hair.. try to tap into that confidence.. the inner self before hair loss.  That is who you really are... and you will feel that as a Sly man.  It is a leap of faith, but one  that you will not be taking alone. 

[sahil15]

Hello Scarfears...

Welcome to the forum... A lot of people are vein and insecure about the way they look (including myself) but I am slowly realising that you are who you are... If people think you look like a movie star now then it does not mean they wont if you go bald...

Yes having hair is great but im sure you have other great physical attributes as well... just coz your hair is thinning does not mean you will loose those qualities as well... You seem to me you are a confident person who is is just going through a panic mode... Dont let it consume you... Hell man I'm so bald that a normal HT isnt even an option for me... This is perhaps not the best advice but if your hair has to go it will go... mother nature tends to win... not all the time but most of the time... be prepared and dont let it destroy your personality... Im sure you will do fine... best of luck

[Lynchy]

Welcome mate,

It sounds like its weighing on you pretty heavily.

I agree with the others that you should continue with your professional help.

I hope you can learn to be comfortable with who your are.

[Sir Harry]

Scarfears, I want to say that it took a lot to return and admit that it's more than the hairloss that's bothering you. Too many times we have had a member throw a "pity party" with their first posts and  to disappear and never be seen again. For you to come back and respond shows that you are ready to do something about it. I wish you well and hope you get the help and happiness that you seek. We are here for you to help along the way as long as you need us. Good luck!

[geeman]

great post, and as usual, awesome advice from the brotherhood...
I can relate to your anxieties in a small way, I didn't go the HT due to cost, but I did use thickening products and even tried the spray on hair stuff...I kidded myself for years that it looked ok, until one day I had a word with myself...a real look at my life...I was missing out on so much, because of the "fear" of someone finding out my "TERRIBLE SECRET"!! and I know it really effected my mood and personality to some degree....I realized that I wasn't happy, I couldn't enjoy just being me, because I was living a lie....

I had always known that one day, I had to stop all this bull****, how old was I going to be when reality kicked in? what I mean is, how much more of my life did I want to waste hiding and lying to myself and everyone else....spending every morning faffing about with sprays and hairspray, worrying about the weather ffs!! no more, my sanity couldn't take it...something had to give..

So just over a month ago, I stared in my bathroom mirror and said goodbye to that person, I wanted to start living again, that may sound overly dramatic, but I'm sure others will relate to that feeling....so I lathered up my head, and just went for it....
It felt so liberating...I felt free and literally felt like a tonne weight lifted off my shoulders...
sure I was scared about what people will think or say...but I can tel you this...30 odd days in...I WISH I HAD DONE THIS YEARS AGO!!!!!!! OH MY GOD...no one cares! I still look in the mirror and burst out laughing, to think about the worry I put on myself...jeez...what was I thinking lol....I feel great, my confidence is sky high and has remained that way every day...I look forward to my daily shave, it feels great, I look great.

I didn't tell my girlfriend I was going to do it...but she loves me, I know that...all she sad was..."oh...I bet it looks great"...what a woman! I feel so relaxed now, I can do anything I want, without worrying about "what people think" the sooner you do it, the sooner you will understand what everyone on here feels...I promise you, you will laugh at why it took you so long...
So...do you carry on as you are?...you are on here posting...so deep down inside you know what "you" really want....
or do you just do it...and start living life to the max...ok I borrowed those last two phrases..but it works....

This website was my salvation..I can't tell you how much these guys helped me..ok, I can...they gave me the push I needed....the advice was spot on, they had all been through it....and now WE have all been through it...We few, we happy few, we band of brothers...