Can we be "just friends" with women?

[benlen]

Hey guys,

So yeah, there is the eternal debate––can men and women be just friends?

But seriously, it is something that I've considered recently. I graduated college 7 months ago, and for the first time in my young adult life, I'm not actively seeking a woman to have a relationship with. Throughout college, my friends and I were seeking women to be involved with romantically, not necessarily hit it and quit it (not that kind of guy myself), but relationships, from serious to not.

All that said about not wanting a relationship, I find female company to be refreshing and interesting, especially women who I consider to be on the same intellectual level as me, who like to discuss politics or worldly things. Just because I am single doesn't mean I don't want to have women who are friends who I can get together with.

That said, is it possible as a man, young or otherwise, to approach a woman solely with the intent of being friends? Does that work? Say I become friends with a woman who is attractive but I'm not attracted to her. Does that leave open the possibility of her developing feelings for me? What do you guys think?

[Bald Hobbit]

Yes, it is possible. Whether attraction happens or not down the line can change around, though. But yeah, it's a myth from our sex-crazed society that men and women can't be "just friends." Jason Evert once asked at a talk if anyone could think of a movie where a male and female lead were friends and not lovers. The only response was "Finding Nemo."

[Laser Man]

It's certainly possible to be "just friends" with women.  The first step is to start seeing the "woman" as a complete human being, just as you want her to see you as a complete human being.  Movies are great entertainment, but few accurately portray real life so they are hardly the yardstick against which to measure things.

[leighmundo40]

Yeah, I definately think that the two sexes can have platonic friendships, but as a gay man, my relationships with women are just friendship based.

In fact it's straight guys who feel a bit odd about being friends with a gay guy sometimes. I can have really deep (and yes, downright smutty!) conversations with my female friends, that I would never have with straight guys.

[Sly Red]

Yeah, I definately think that the two sexes can have platonic friendships, but as a gay man, my relationships with women are just friendship based.

In fact it's straight guys who feel a bit odd about being friends with a gay guy sometimes. I can have really deep (and yes, downright smutty!) conversations with my female friends, that I would never have with straight guys.

Shocking!  Yes, I love to talk to women about sex 'cause I've always wondered what straight guys do in bed! 

[Natedawg]

It's entirely possible, although a lot of times, it doesn't work.
Mainly because odds are if your friendship becomes close enough, you or she will eventually develop some sort of feelings to over-complicate the situation and screw it up.  

Oftentimes, a good heterosexual male-female friendship is born out of a previously and mutually botched attempt at a relationship between the two. When you already know from experience that nothing romantic could work out between you, there's much less chance of it getting weird, and much less pressure for anything romantic to happen.

[stasiu]

Yeah, I definately think that the two sexes can have platonic friendships, but as a gay man, my relationships with women are just friendship based.

In fact it's straight guys who feel a bit odd about being friends with a gay guy sometimes. I can have really deep (and yes, downright smutty!) conversations with my female friends, that I would never have with straight guys.

Very good point, Leigh.  I have escorted ladies to concerts, social events, etc. and we had a real blast!  They were looking for somone to have an interesting conversation with a great time and the day always ends with a hug and kiss.  It can and does happen as a platonic friendship that continues for years ... I know! 

[benlen]

In fact it's straight guys who feel a bit odd about being friends with a gay guy sometimes. I can have really deep (and yes, downright smutty!) conversations with my female friends, that I would never have with straight guys.

Really? I know it is a stereotype to say "I have lots of [insert minority here] friends!" to make yourself sound worldly, but actually, I have two good, bona fide friends who are gay men and love spending time with, not generally one on one but amongst our group of friends. One of them when he gets drunk will be like "Ben, sorry, but I was staring at your crotch," but I'm flattered, not weirded out.

I think in this case it takes a straight man who is very comfortable in his own sexuality and a gay man who is comfortable in his for that kind of friendship to work. But if a straight man is too "masculine" and a gay man too "feminine" than it doesn't work.

Oftentimes, a good heterosexual male-female friendship is born out of a previously and mutually botched attempt at a relationship between the two. When you already know from experience that nothing romantic could work out between you, there's much less chance of it getting weird, and much less pressure for anything romantic to happen.

Totally agree! I wonder if this is how it works in all cases, because my best friend who is a girl, I was into her in high school, she wasn't into me, and initially it caused a huge upset––but once I dated a string of other women who liked me, we were fast friends because that awkward tension was out of the way. That happened early in our friendship, some five-six years ago, and I haven't seen her in an attractive way in forever.

[slymyke]

you mentioned an attractive woman. (that you are not attracted to)..  That's a good place to start, because in many cases when you are friends with a woman, you will both inevitably develop feelings for each other.  Therefore, you might as well make it a pretty woman,.....   (just sayin') 

[benlen]

you mentioned an attractive woman. (that you are not attracted to)..  That's a good place to start, because in many cases when you are friends with a woman, you will both inevitably develop feelings for each other.  Therefore, you might as well make it a pretty woman,.....   (just sayin') 

Hahaha, I mean, why be friends with an unattractive woman? I don't mean it solely based on physical attributes either, but personal ones. You obviously want to be friends with someone who doesn't offend you! :-p

[Sly Red]

Hahaha, I mean, why be friends with an unattractive woman? I don't mean it solely based on physical attributes either, but personal ones. You obviously want to be friends with someone who doesn't offend you! :-p

er, sorry Ben, what were you sayin'?  I was staring at your bald head . . .

[Switchy]

I have lady friends, we have good times when together.  But it is known that I am not looking for along term commitment .  Sometimes ladies become very possive.

[Sir Harry]

Most of my lady friends have the same interests that I do.....maybe that was part of the reason my marriages failed....I think I can be friends with any lady that I have NOT been married to....

[Slynito]

I have a female friend for a long time. Other friends try to convince us to get more serious but we know it wouldn't work. And if we hooked up just for the benefits the relationship would probably go down the poop shoot, too. So we have kept it simple and w/o complications and continue to drive each other to colonoscopies.

[Mike]

I have a few lady friends that we are just that, friends. A few of them were coworkers that we talk but because we work together and have completely different views on life, we can only be friends. A few of my lady friends were failed attempts at relationships. Like one of them was my friends wife's boss. We met on facebook and decided to go out drinking one night, we 'cuddled' that night and my friend woke me up for work and freaked out when he saw his wifes boss in bed with me. We went out a few more times but realized it just couldn't work for us so now we're great friends.
 But then my ex girlfriend and I have tried to be friends like we were before we started dating. We talk to eachother from time to time but it will never be the same. She comes to me when she wants advice on a new guy she is wanting to date, and I go to her for gossip on girls I like.

 In the end, I think it depends on the individuals. My brother is the kind of guy that can never be around a woman without wanting to be intimate with her. I am not much of a person that likes being around other people too much so for me, it is easy to be 'just friends'