Very Hurtful reactions from mother...how to cope/deal?

[benlen]

Hey guys,

So I'm going on thirty days of being sly/shaving my head, and my mom, who has very thinly veiled her distaste for my bald head, spoke with me today about how she felt about my head. She said the following:

1) That my hair was "fine" the way it was, and that I should just bald naturally and keep what hair I have forever, even if I think that looks silly/makes me feel bad about myself.

2) The entire family hates the look, according to her.

3) Bald people are nazis and mass murderers, like the guy who shot Gabriel Giffords, and that the entire world would view me this way. I told her Hitler had hair, incidentially, but that didn't seem to go over all that well.

4) I would never experience love or romance ever again because of my shaved head.

5) That I looked ridiculous, like a cancer patient, and the bald look was not at all attractive on me, according to her.

6) She's convinced that I'm not shaving my head as an act of liberation from hair loss, but as a body dismorphic disorder related issue or something like that.

Not lastly, but I because I don't want to repeat everything she said, she wrote:

7) She will never like or accept what I choose to do with the hair on my head.


It goes without saying that, in spite of my normally confident nature, that this has been an extremely demeaning and confidence-eroding exercise.

Have any of you had such a negative reaction from family, let alone a parent? I mean, jesus, it's just a hair style! What's wrong with my mother?

[marshd1000]

I am surprised that your mom would be so harsh on you about your sly head.  You look  pretty young, so I am guessing that your mom would be in her 40's or 50's.  Usually people that age, which is my generation, are not that bad about headshaving.  But I do understand.  My now deceased, balding father, did not like my headshaving.  He said, "Marshall, it looks like S&*t".  My stepmom,  who is almost 95 originally cried and said, "But Marshall, you're a Christian!", implying that Christian men don't shave their heads.  Fortunately, my dad got over it.  My stepmom has also seen me with hair about two years ago, when I had surgery and had grown it back..  So she sees that is not a lot left!  But I also had a platonic lady friend try to be manipulative in trying to get me to grow it back.  Here is a link to my post about that! 

http://www2.slybaldguys.com/smf/index.php?topic=12795.0

[Razor X]

That is how mothers are. They mean well but they can be very manipulative. I am almost twice your age and I still go through things like that with my mother.  She pulled out all the stops when I shaved my head and I actually grew it back a couple of times because of her comments. But then one day I decided not to let her manipulate me anymore. I ignored her comments, changed the subject each time and eventually she did give up. She never comments on my head anymore. And if she gave up, so will your mother, sooner or later.  More recently she has made some negative comments about my beard,  but she is not nearly as persistent now as she used to be.

As a matter of principle, do NOT let your mother manipulate you. You're an adult.  Do what you want. You'll gain a ton of confidence from standing your ground.

[Switchy]

There are times in life where you can't please others even family.  At times if you dress wrong, don't agree with their views, have long hair, hang out with certain people they let you know.  Sometimes it doesn't matter what a persons age is either.  Trust me been there done that trip.  Finally had enough and just smiled and continued on with what ever it was I was doing that they didn't agree with.  No since in any arguments it will just make it worse.  I hope this helps some.  

Good Luck

[Razor X]

Let me just add that if you were man enough to shave your head in the first place -- and it was a gutsy move considering your age and stage of hair loss -- then you are man enough to stand your ground against your mother. Just hang in there.

[warhawk]

Hi Benlen:  You got some great responses from our fellow chrome domes. Your mom will never agree or be satisfied with everything you do.  This is your mom.  She will love you regardless if she doesn't like your "hairstyle". 

Keep us posted to your road to slyness.  You wear it well and I hope you continue the sly life.  Your mom and family will learn to accept it.  They may not like it but as time goes they will accept it.  Take care my friend and hang in there.

WARHAWK

[Andrei]

Ben, it's ok to hear and know what your family believes, but it all comes down to what you think and what you want.
Shaving your hair is a change and people usually don't like changes. In other words time will help.
It's still you, maybe you with a better haircut and the power gained from the experience of shaving your hair.

[Kevin G]

Hey Benlen,

While I am not fully sly yet I understand what you are saying.  I am currently wearing a real short buzz cut(guard 1) and I learned that everyone will have some opinion about any change.  Thankfully I have had some compliments and even my wife has been supportive.  

However in the beginning while my wife was supportive she stated clearly that she preferred me with longer hair.  Over time I could tell that she has gotten more used to it.  I recently threw out the comment that pretty soon I am going to shave it on the lowest guard #.5 guard that came with my clippers because I want to make sure I avoid the bobo the clown look.  She agreed and added or the Larry from the 3 Stooges look and chuckled.  The point is she agrees that me going shorter is the best path and looks the best.  She knows that I am eventually going to go sly and now knows that it will look good.  

While your mom may never love it, her views on it will soften over time.  As far as the whole bald people are nazis or serial killers comment.  No one has ever said that Vin Diesel, Patrick Stewart, Phil Dahlhausser or Andre Agassi look like nazis or serial killers .  Chicks dig them and they are liked by many.  Plus almost all state troopers that I see these days sport the real short buzzed or bald look(those guys are definitely not serial killers lol).  As a matter of fact many guys from all walks of life sport the sly or buzzed look and it looks good.

As an honest opinion from me,  you look very good sly.  Just stick to your guns and know that most people do not share the same view as your mom.  And that your mother's view will eventually soften over time.  Take care.

[Sir Harry]

Ben, if the relationship with your mom is healthy, just chalk it up to her "not letting go" Moms with always treat their children (especially guys) as their "babies" no matter what. If you are off on your own, then you have nothing to worry about. I know we want approval for all that we do, but my favorite phrase that I use frequently here is "The poorest man is the man whose pleasures depend upon the permission of others". and that applies to wearing a shaved head. I hope and pray that there is not a more undefined issue that she is using your shaved head as an excuse to "attack" you. Just be loving, respectful and understanding but be firm if a shaved head is what you want.  I have an aunt who has gray hair but constantly dyes it. She told me the same thing similar to what Mom told you. I just told her respectfully..It's all about looking and feeling good, but if we want to play the "natural/graceful" game, maybe you should stop using the Clairol Nice-n-Easy and I will maybe stop shaving my head. She never brought the subject up again. Good Luck to you, man!

[StumpyDave]

7) She will never like or accept what I choose to do with the hair on my head.

Sounds like whatever you do will be wrong so you may as well get used to that concept and do what you want.

What's wrong with my mother? 

Nothing.  Mum's are supposed to worry about their children.  Keep reassuring her that you're still the same person inside and she'll probably get used to it.  She may not like it, but she'll get aroiud to putting up with it.

[Frontier Guy]

You look great and confident. Don't allow this moment to set you back.

2) The entire family hates the look, according to her.

3) Bald people are nazis and mass murderers, like the guy who shot Gabriel Giffords, and that the entire world would view me this way.

4) I would never experience love or romance ever again because of my shaved head.

5) That I looked ridiculous, like a cancer patient, and the bald look was not at all attractive on me, according to her.

6) She's convinced that I'm not shaving my head as an act of liberation from hair loss, but as a body dismorphic disorder related issue or something like that.

These are all her opinions - none of them factual. Be particularly alert when someone is speaking on behalf of others. They often aren't, or they often don't accurately convey the information.

And I think on this site we have repeatedly disproven each of her points, though her position seems hardened enough not to consider the evidence.

You can't please everyone. But the person you really have to please is yourself.

You look great; you like the style; you've got a great attitude.

I think you're doing just fine.

[bennett11]

When I was young and still in grade school I got a crew cut.  Mother had a fit - I grew it back and kept it at an acceptable length - remember this was in the early 1940's.  When I got to college away from home I got a burr cut and kept it short ever since - usually really short - my nickname in college was cue ball. My mother never comment on my hair again.  It became me.   I shave completely in the late 70's when it was quite uncommon. 

[Blitzed]

....there's also the "surprize" factor. I was 57 when I shaved my head, mother was 90, and she was unaware of this change until she sat down to watch the news programme I appeared on. He butler said that she almost fainted with alarm and shock. That wasn't "her little boy". (I'm 6'5" so, in a sense, I hadn't  been anybody's Little Boy in a very long time.) She didn't care for it, said so and then we went on. Your mother, however, is a bit of thick patch. She's bemoaning her own sense of mortality along with your hair loss; She equates bald men with growing old, hence the idiotic comment about going bald; How would she feel if she "went bald"? There's a question for discussion. Obviously all of us are on your side and what each of us would-and will-say to you is stay the course, stick to your guns and....give her a razor for Christmas. The sarcasm will be lost but she can't get much madder-she's already irrational. Don't threaten her with your absence, just be absent. And a Merry Sly Christmas to you. Welcome!

[balddaniel]

Benlen,

I am sorry to hear what your Mother said to you.  This is very cruel.  My Mom doesn't really like me bald, but she has never said anything derogatory to me about it.  I love being bald and I will never let anyone convience me to grow my hair back.  Bald is BOLD and BEAUTIFUL don't forget that!  Stick to your guns and keep doing what you are more comfortable with.  The Best to You.

BaldDaniel

[stasiu]

Hey Ben ! 

Everyone here is offering good insight about baldness and moms. 

For some reason, premature bald sons make a Mom feel "older" knowing her "little boy" has turned into a "man".  When I was around 23, my parents and I were watching a TV movie when mom pointed out that the two villans were "bald on top" like dad and me.  She then added, "of course they don't have a Hitler-Nazi moustache like you".  Mom did not like my stache or hairloss.  Young  MPB guys like me back then did not completely shave their heads but wore the "Dr. Phil" toilet seat or comb overs.  The next day I took my beard trimmer and did a no guard to my head -- and told mom "this is my new anti-villan haircut".  We all laughed at that as it was my hair, what little was left, and I did what I wanted.  Everyone will adjust with time.