Only the Irish Have Jokes Like These

[Slynito]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
**************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

Acop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" Idid all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


******************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim.  But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" Imust, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,  he got out three times to pee."

******************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


****************************************************


AND THE BEST FOR LAST

Adrunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally,the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"

[Paul the Headblader]

hehe, last one is awesome!

[Slyfive]

A veritable library of Irish humor! Rib ticklingly good as always

[Laser Man]

Being of Irish stock, here's one of my favorites:

Seamus is worried that Mary, his wife of 50 years, is going deaf.
One evening after dinner, Seamus stands about 10 feet behind Mary's chair and says, "Mary, me love, can ye hear me?"  Hearing no reply Seamus begins to weep.  He moves about 5 feet closer and again says, "Mary, me love, can ye hear me?"  Hearing no reply, he now has tears rolling down his cheeks.  Seamus steps right behind Mary's chair and once again say, "Mary, me love, can ye hear me?"  Mary replies, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, YES SEAMUS, I HEAR YOU!"

[tomgallagher]

 

[Slyfive]

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Daniel are sitting on a scaffold on a building site, having their lunch break. Paddy turns towards Daniel and asks 'Danny boy, what ye got fer lunch?', and with a big smile Daniel replies 'I got some beautiful roast pork sandwiches on the missus' famous potato bread, what have ye got Pads?'
With a solemn expression, Paddy replies 'same as every day Dan, bloody tuna sandwiches, I swear if I get the same lunch twice more, I'll be throwin' meself off this here scaffold to me death! How come ye always get something new?' Dan merely shrugs Paddy's sentiments off as a joke and continues eating, but sure enough, the next day goes much the same, with Paddy's anger rising, Dan is sure that he is being serious. Dan tortures himself all day wondering how Paddy's wife couldn't just for once give him corned beef or even peanut butter to spare his life!
The third day comes around and Dan sheepishly asks his friend, 'so Paddy what is it today?' and sure enough, it's tuna again. Paddy stands up, turns to Dan, and says 'tell me wife I love her' and then throws himself to his death. Horrified and in shock, Dan can do nothing, but he can't help but wonder why Paddy would declare his love for the woman whose bland lunches had taken his life.
A funeral was arranged for the very next day and whilst standing by the coffin Daniel could see that Paddy's wife was laughing hysterically in between her tears, infuriated, Daniel runs up to her and shouts 'how dare ye laugh foul woman, it was yer awful lunch that caused his death!' Paddy's wife turned towards him attempting to stifle laughter, and then bursting into tears and though her hysteria she replied 'but that's just it Danny... he made his own sandwiches'.

[Arnie]

 

[Slynito]

Being of Irish stock, here's one of my favorites:

Seamus is worried that Mary, his wife of 50 years, is going deaf.
One evening after dinner, Seamus stands about 10 feet behind Mary's chair and says, "Mary, me love, can ye hear me?"  Hearing no reply Seamus begins to weep.  He moves about 5 feet closer and again says, "Mary, me love, can ye hear me?"  Hearing no reply, he now has tears rolling down his cheeks.  Seamus steps right behind Mary's chair and once again say, "Mary, me love, can ye hear me?"  Mary replies, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, YES SEAMUS, I HEAR YOU!"

That one is funnier than a wagon load of monkeys.