Hey guys I know a few of you have seen written or heard some funny stuff about life in teh Military. Lets try and get some of that stuff posted here so our non Military brothers can see one aspect of it and we can get a good laugh.
Here is one about Navy life.
How to Simulate Shipboard Life at Home
Sleep on a shelf in your cupboard. Replace the cupboard door with a curtain, three hours after you go to sleep have your partner whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight into your eyes and say "Sorry wrong bunk".
Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
Empty all the garbage cans in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.
Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees.
Repaint your entire house once a month.
Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do for the day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home. (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.)
Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home because you can't leave until the next day.
Shower with above-mentioned friends.
Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item before giving it to you.
On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
When your family is in bed, run into their rooms with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.
Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.
Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been cancelled due to certification training, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads: "Secured - contact OA DIV at X-3053"
Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".
Every 3-4 weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after everyone has gone to bed.
Renovate your bathroom by building a wall across the middle of your bathtub, and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping up.
Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
Take trash out only once a week. Until then, store garbage in the bathroom.
Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart, and then put them back together.
Set your alarm clock to go off at random time during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, being sure to button the top button on your shirt and to stuff your pants into you socks. Run out into your back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
Put oil in your humidifier and set it to "high".
Install a fluorescent lamp under your coffee table, and lie under it to read books.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors, so that you either trip over the threshold or bang your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread the icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, and shout, "Man Overboard, Starboard Side".
Run into the kitchen and sweep all pots, pans and dishes off the counter and onto the floor. Yell at your wife and/or the nearest kid for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea".
Put on the headphones from your stereo, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with a piece of string. Go and stand in front of your stove and say -- to nobody in particular -- "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours, then say -- once again to nobody in particular -- "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put the headphone and paper cup in a box.
Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee per pot and allow to sit at least five hours before drinking.
Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks and discarded one out of five.
Surround yourself with 250 people you don’t like, i.e. people who smoke, flatulate loudly, fragrantly, and often, snore like a Mack truck going up hill, and use foul language the way a child uses sugar on cereal.
Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have TIME or NEWSWEEK from two months ago and a PLAYBOY with all the pictures torn out delivered.
Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all pertinent info (i.e.-what’s plugged in, what lights are on, what doors are open etc. ""If not used recently, cover with tags labeled DANGER.
Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of forty people using the same washroom at once. After that flush once daily.
Lock the bathroom door twice a day for a four-hour period.
Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or look like you tangled with a demented sheep sheerer.
Work 18 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares whether it is day or night.
Listen to your favorite Cassette or CD six times every day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite cassette.
Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of the bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in an upright position. Now place it on a platform so that it is about four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal underneath it to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
Set your alarm to go off at ten minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times that watch keepers bump around and wake you up.
Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours.
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
Prepare all meals blindfolded, using all the spices you can get your hands on or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in less than three minutes.
Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint everything gray and white.
Every 10 weeks simulate leave in a foreign port. Go directly to the city slums, wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place and ask for the most expensive imported beer they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home using the longest possible route. Tip the cabbie after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a ratio varying from a fast drip and a weak trickle with the temperature alternating rapidly between 1 degree and 120 degrees.
Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day, especially in the bathroom.
