Court Transquips......

[bmwgsa]

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Q:   What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A:   Borofkin.
Q:   What’s his first name?
A:   I can’t remember?
Q:   He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember
   his first name?
A:   No.  I tell you I’m too excited.  (Rising from the witness chair
   and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.)  Nathan, for G-d’s sake, tell them
   your first name!
***********************************
Q:   Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A:   I refuse to answer that question.
Q:   Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A:   I refuse to answer that question.
Q:   Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A:   No.
***********************************
Q:   Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first death terminated?
A:   By death.
Q:   And by whose death was it terminated.
***********************************
Q:   Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A:   No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
***********************************
 ***********************************
Q:   What is your name?
A:   Ernestine McDowell
Q:   And what is your marital status?
A:   Fair
***********************************
Q:   Are you married?
A:   No, I’m divorced.
Q:   And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A:   A lot of things I didn’t know about.
***********************************
Q:   And who is this person you are speaking of?
A:   My ex-widow said it.
***********************************
Q:   How did you happen to go to Cr. Cherney?
A:   Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
   Dr. Cherney, and said he was very good.
***********************************
Q:   Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A:   I will be three months November 8th.
Q:   Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A:   Yes.
Q:   What were you and you husband doing at that time?
***********************************
Q:   Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A:   I should be.
Q:   How many times have you committed suicide?
A:   Four times.
***********************************
Q:   Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:   All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
***********************************
Q:   Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A:   Yes, sir.
Q:   Before or after he died?
***********************************
Q:   Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
   influence?
A:   Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronounce his words.
***********************************
Q:   What happened then?
A:   He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
   me."
Q:   Did he kill you?
A:   No.
***********************************
Q:   Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
   deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:   No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
***********************************
THE COURT:    Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
***********************************
Q:   Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A:   No.
Q:   What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A:   Picking them up in the air.
Q:   Where was the dog at this time?
A:   Attached to the ears.
***********************************
Q:   When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
   able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
   to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
   with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS:   Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
***********************************
Q:   And lastly, Gary, all your responses must e oral.  O.K.?  What
   school do you go to?
A:   Oral.
Q:   How old are you?
A:   Oral.
***********************************
Q:   What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A:   She is my daughter.
Q:   Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
***********************************
Q:   Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
   there was a victim?
***********************************
Q:   ... and what did he do then?
A:   He came home and the next morning he was dead.
Q:   So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
***********************************
Q:   Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
   indignities?
A:   He didn’t offer me nothing;  he just said I could have the
   furniture.
***********************************
Q:   So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
   observe with respect to your scalp?
A:   I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q:   It was covered?
A:   Yes, bandaged.
Q:   Then, later on ... what did you see?
A:   I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
   put on top of my head.
***********************************
Q:   Could you see him from where you were standing?
A:   I could see his head.
Q:   And where was his head?
A:   Just above his shoulders.
***********************************
Q:   What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
   defendant?
A:   Oh, she will tell the truth.  She said she’d kill that sonofabitch -
   and she did!
***********************************
Q:   Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A:   I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
***********************************
Q:   ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
   trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A:   The victim lived.
***********************************
Q:   Are you sexually active?
A:   No, I just lie there.
***********************************
Q:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A:   Yes, I have been since childhood.
***********************************
Q:   The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
   objective witness, isn’t it.  You too were shot in the francas?
A:   No, sir.  I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
***********************************
Q:   What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A:   It indicates intercourse.
Q:   Male sperm?
A:   That is the only kind I know.
***********************************
Q:   (showing man picture) That’s you?
A:   Yes, sir.
Q:   And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
***********************************
Q:   Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A:   I have only one, you know.
***********************************

[bmwgsa]

 Q: What is your date of birth?
   A: July fifteenth.
   Q: What year?
   A: Every year.



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   Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
   A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



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   Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   A: I forget.
   Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
      you've forgotten?



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   Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
   A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
   Q: How long has he lived with you?
   A: Forty-five years.



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   Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
      woke that morning?
   A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
   Q: And why did that upset you?
   A: My name is Susan.



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   Q: And where was the location of the accident?
   A: Approximately milepost 499.
   Q: And where is milepost 499?
   A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.



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   Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
   A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.



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   Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
   A: After the accident?
   Q: Before the accident.
   A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.



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   Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
      voodoo or occult?
   A: We both do.
   Q: Voodoo?
   A: We do.
   Q: You do?
   A: Yes, voodoo.



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   Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
      blue lights flashing?
   A: Yes.
   Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
   A: Yes, sir.
   Q: What did she say?
   A: What disco am I at?



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   Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
      sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?



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   Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?



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   Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?



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   Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?



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   Q: Did he kill you?



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   Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?



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   Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?



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   Q: How many times have you committed suicide?



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   Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And what were you doing at that time?



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   Q: She had three children, right?
   A: Yes.
   Q: How many were boys?
   A: None.
   Q: Were there any girls?



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   Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?



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   Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
      you?
   A: I went to Europe, Sir.
   Q: And you took your new wife?



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   Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
   A: By death.
   Q: And by whose death was it terminated?



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   Q: Can you describe the individual?
   A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
   Q: Was this a male, or a female?



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   Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
      notice which I sent to your attorney?
   A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



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   Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
   A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



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   Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
   A: Oral.



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   Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
   A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
   Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
   A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
      autopsy.



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   Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



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   Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
      pulse?
   A: No.
   Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
   A: No.
   Q: Did you check for breathing?
   A: No.
   Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
      began the autopsy?
   A: No.
   Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
   A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
   Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
   A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
      law somewhere.



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   Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
   A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.



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Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...



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   LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's
           vagina show?
   WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
   LAWYER: Male semen?
   WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.



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   LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
   WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
   LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
   WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
   LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
   WITNESS: No.



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   LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what
           did you observe with respect to your scalp?
   WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the
            hospital.
   LAWYER: It was covered?
   WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
   LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
   WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
            removed and put on top of my head.



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   CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
   WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
   CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
   WITNESS: That's right.
   CLERK: Repeat it.
   WITNESS: "Repeat it".
   CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
   WITNESS: What you said when?
   CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
   WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
   CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
   WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
   CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
   WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
   CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be
   the truth and..."
   WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
   CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
   WITNESS: Okay.
   (Witness remains silent.)
   CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
   WITNESS: Yes.
   CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   CLERK: Well? Do so.
   WITNESS: You're confusing me.
   CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
   WITNESS: Is that all?
   CLERK: Yes.
   WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
   CLERK: Then say it.
   WITNESS: What?
   CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
   WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
   CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
   WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
   CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
          "The","Truth".
   WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
   CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
   WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
   CLERK: Thank you.
   WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.



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   LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the
           farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
   WITNESS: I did.
   LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the
           duck pond?
   WITNESS: I did.
   LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
   WITNESS: I did.
   (Witness remains silent.)
   LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
   WITNESS: I saw George.
   LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   (Witness remains silent.)
   LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
   WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
   LAWYER: His "thing"?
   WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
   LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good,
           you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this
           clearly?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
   WITNESS: Of course I did!
   LAWYER: What did you say to him?
   WITNESS: "Morning, George."

[Sgt. Pate]

How appropriate for this forum...   

***********************************
Q:   So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
       observe with respect to your scalp?
A:    I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q:   It was covered?
A:    Yes, bandaged.
Q:   Then, later on ... what did you see?
A:    I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
       put on top of my head.
*********************************** 

[Tyler]

This whole joke was cracking me up!

[wpruitt]

Because my mother worked in court services for a number years, I know that all of these are true!

[Sgt. Pate]

Because my mother worked in court services for a number years, I know that all of these are true!

and THAT'S why they're scary!   

[HotCajun]

  This was great!!!!