Greetings from the abyss

[DNA]

Hi I'm new here
For the last 14 years, my life has been a waking nightmare.
I got my first hair loss shock at the age of 30 when going for my monthly cut. The barber brushed back my jet black hair to reveal a hairline (in the temple area) that was looking horribly thinned. I'll never forget the shock I felt, the blind panic and that awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach upon seeing it; literally because those feelings have been my constant companions ever since (I'm 44 now)
To be honest, I haven't dealt with hair loss at all well and have spent the entire time since then in a state of desperate all consuming panic; living my entire life around my hair!

It literally was there one month and gone the next, so I was left wondering how much more would go, and at what speed? It's that constant unknown factor that eats away at your soul and I've been letting it erode all the joy out of my life for 14 years now. Long story short, my years of conceal and cover are becoming increasingly impossible to maintain. Effective techniques are becoming as depleted as my hairline and I'm now down to the pathetic practice of spraying black hair thickener directly onto the scalp in the areas that are bald and carefully arranging the sparse amount of hair from my widows peak and surrounds to cover it (with many episodes of public panic, car panic, rushing to the mens room to do emergency repairs and quite a few occasions where I'll just have to extract myself from whatever situation I'm in regardless of how pathetic my excuse is and run back home to the safety of invisibility). It sucks hard!!!

All this gives me the appearance of having hair that is (arguably) right at the very limit of normality but the cost, in terms of stress, panic, depression and all those other wonderful things that come with trying to make not enough look like enough have taken a massive toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically.  I'm at the end of my rope here guys and I desperately want to be free from the tyranny of hair and all the soul destroying things it's making me do for it. I hate myself, I hate the way I look and I'm terrified that I'm doomed to be a freak!

Being 44 now, you'd think I'd have matured and come to an adult rationalization about hair loss, begun to deal with it like a man and got on with my life..........nah!! Not me! Just the opposite. I've been a gutless p***y! Kicking and screaming like a little b***h every step of the way! Obsessing and sinking into a state of depression that has my mind on the verge of snapping! I'm desperately unhappy and my gloom is affecting everyone around me.

[D.A.L.U.I.]

Wow, what a post--but a lot of us have been there.  It's a point of decision, and if you've lurked you've already heard it in many different versions.  Buy a clipper, if you don't have one.  They are about US$10-15 at a Wal-Mart, get the cheapest.  Buzz, shower, lather, shave--SLOWLY.  You will be free, keep it up for 30 days.  End of torment--it really is that simple, but as someone once said, that first swipe with the razor is a big step, after that it's down hill.

[Arnie]

Thanks for telling us how you really feel...I look forward to your future posts!!! You will find a lot of insight here, as well as lending yours...keep posting!!!

Welcome to SBGs!!!

[DNA]

Thanks for your comments guys......I guess venting is the first healthy step I've taken for some time. Yes, I'll probably buy some clippers and shave it all off as there really is no other way to beat this. Now I'm obsessing over my head shape; wondering if I'll look as good as all you guys do.  My wife is very supportive, so that's one good thing, but for every positive, my mind has the uncanny ability to conjure up 10 extreme (perhaps irrational) things to counter it and keep me down.............the habit of a life time is a hard thing to break I guess, but with your support, I'll beat this thing!!!! I have to!!!

[D.A.L.U.I.]

Thanks for your comments guys......I guess venting is the first healthy step I've taken for some time. Yes, I'll probably buy some clippers and shave it all off as there really is no other way to beat this. Now I'm obsessing over my head shape; wondering if I'll look as good as all you guys do. My wife is very supportive, so that's one good thing, but for every positive, my mind has the uncanny ability to conjure up 10 extreme (perhaps irrational) things to counter it and keep me down.............the habit of a life time is a hard thing to break I guess, but with your support, I'll beat this thing!!!! I have to!!!

All that positive stuff, clippers, knowing that it is the way, support from the wife--I can't remember a new guy with so much going for him.  Don't worry about head shape, etc.--we all did that, and I don't know anyone who was right about it--a combover, dying mop, is worse than anything else--you already know that. 
Shave it, keep it for 30 days , and you will never regret anything about it but, like so many of us, waiting so long to do it.  It's a great day to do the deed, start the new week with a confident new look.  DO IT, DO IT

[Magoo]

I might be out voted , but if I were you I would first get my hair cut to a #2.Get use to that look then go shorter from there.It will give you an idea how it might looked shaved.

[TheSlyBear]

Whatever you decide to do, shave or buzz, congrats on taking the step of taking control of your head rather then letting it control you.

In a short time you'll be kicking yourself for not taking this step sooner. You're going to love being free from the tyranny of hair.

[DNA]

Once again thanks so much for all the supportive replies guys!!

I've literally only began to open up about my "secret" in the last two days.  Yesterday I deliberately walked outside without "cover" and was seen by a neighbor......she probably didn't notice anything, but I could feel the keen sting of self consciousness as I stood there in the glare of daylight imagining her focus,  burning like a laser into my head...I don't know if that was a positive experience or not.....but at least I'm starting to take my first tentative steps toward being open about it!

It's so weird how much I can obsess about what other people are thinking and yet if someone says, "Oh, don't worry about it! You look fine!" I won't believe them......what's up with that?

Sorry for going on and on about my crap, but you guys are all I have

[D.A.L.U.I.]

In for a penny, in for a pound.  You're just going to feel better if you actually do it.  Don't over think it--you will be bald anyway.  What we're suggesting is that you just get ahead of the game.  Frankly, most find out that there is little comment, except positive.  Everyone and you know you're going bald, just get in front and lead it--when you do it you'll never regret--that's an SBG promise.

[pdxtodd]

Hi DNA -- so many of us completely understand where you're coming from.   I hid behind hair pieces for years - but still suffered in agony every morning when I looked in the mirror.   I worried about my head shape - and in fact photoshopped my hair "off" and posted the picture on this board back in November asking for everyone's opinion.   I worried about head shape, bumps, lumps, and what people would think about my lack of hair.   I agonized over my decision to shave for weeks - and in fact wore my hairpiece for another 4 weeks after it was looking pretty bad - just out of fear of the unknown.    I had been dealing with hair loss for 34 years.

I can honestly say that the moment I shaved my head the fear immediately evaporated and I felt an immediate sense of freedom and relief.   I celebrate my 3 month sly-anniversary next week and I can't tell you how great it feels -- physically and emotionally.   I've had nothing but compliments.   I personally wish I had done it decades ago.  When I think back on all the anxiety and depression that I experienced over my lack of hair -- I realize what a waste of energy it was.

We are our own biggest critics and the source of fear over shaving our heads.   If you look at the pictures of the guys on this site you'll see how great everyone looks.   Tyler posted a great story this week from the Mercury that features this website.  In that article it talked about how shaved heads is the new "normal".    Even if it wasn't "normal" -- I'd still do it in a heartbeat. 

[Sooner Steve]

Hi DNA.  First off, let me say I can sympathize with you.  But you don't need my sympathy.  I think I can also share some of your feelings.  I too was horrified by my hair loss at a young age - 19. I started with the extreme step of wearing a hairpiece. 

Wore it for 23 years.  The last 10 were absolute horror.  I, like you, spent all my time worrying about my hair.  I carried a hair brush in my pocket 24/7 for those emergency times i.e. every time I walked outside.  I had to always sit with my back to the wall, never roll down the windows in my car (or sunroof), etc.  LIfe was miserable.

I finally took the step of taking off the wig, going to the barber and getting it buzzed down.  I was only able to do this based upon the help of this site and my 9 year old son going to the barber with me.

Greatest day of my life.  After the barber shop, I drove down Main Street of our town with my head hanging out the window - sun roof open.  I was finally free.

Was it tough going to work on Monday.  You better know it.  I was petrified what everyone would say.  You know what they said - Man you look great, love the new look, etc.  I was walking on cloud 9.

I was finally free to quit worrying about my hair.  It was a great decision for me.  My wife supported it.  My son supported it.  My 13 year old daughter supported it I think - she said "It doesn't look as bad as I thought it would"  - that's a compliment from a teenage daugher 

All I can say is it was a great decision for me.  I have never regretted it for a moment.  I now feel sorry for guys that I see who are still wearing wigs, combovers, etc.  I know they look at me and are jealous.

That's a little bit of my story.  I hope it helps you.  This board is great for support and advice.  Use it.  We are like a giant brotherhood here - we just don't have hair.  If I can be of any assistance, feel free to PM me.  Good luck. 

[Mikekoz13]

Welcome to the Forum DNA. What a first post! You have found us at the right time. We will support, help, encourage, and listen. Please feel free to air any of your concerns or ask any questions here.
I was going to refer you to past posts by SoonerSteve & PdxTodd but they have already weighed in. These two guys lived many years as you are now living and can speak first hand to how you are feeling.
Notice the common theme in their posts....... instant relief from the simple act of being done with hair pieces, cprays, etc. and getting on to the business of REAL life.

I would echo MAGOO here.... buzz it down to a #2 and leave it that way for 3-4 days, then go to a #1 for a few days, then ultimately shave it off.
You will have trepidation.... it's perfectly normal..... but take that first swipe boldly with that razor and then don't turn back.
You will be amazed at the freedom that a simple razor and some shave cream can bring to your life.

Your wife is supportive which is fantastic...... she'll probably be glad that you have more time to do things other than obsess over your hair. And women love shaved heads.

So let us help you thru these bad days and into the rest of your life with out the bullsh*t of worrying about your hairline.............

[DNA]

I never knew I could find such wonderful people on line! I wish I could live in an IRL community of sly brothers...

Here's what's freaking me out now about the prospect of shaving.......Up til now, I've been so successful at covering my hair loss that nobody knows I have a problem . I've never had one single comment about my hair except compliments on my "cool" sports cut ( depressing in their own way), and when I have tried to casually hint at that fact that I have hair loss issues in conversation like it's no big deal for me (while actually dying inside LOL), I've been met with stares of incredulity, like,"what the hell are you talking about? Where?" So, now I'm left in the position of being afraid to suddenly reveal my true state of hair loss to everyone, because it will look like I was ( in the space of 24 hours) zapped by a bolt of lightning from the hair loss god overnight! Crazy I know, and I'm sure many of you will be thinking, "Don't live in fear of what others think!"

Easier said than done....at least from the perspective of fear which is where I'm at right now. I keep imagining myself walking outside and being seen by everyone who previously thought I had a full head of hair and hearing their negative thoughts.......So I've decided to gradually wean the world gently into the reality of my receding hairline by spending more time in public situations without cover in order to inure them to the real me..........LOL!!  How's that for delusions of grandeur and presuming myself to be the central focus of EVERYONE'S lives??


My goal is to eventually be seen as a guy with a hailine that's not all there so that when I do shave, people won't be so shocked. Now all of this is, no doubt, just in my head...and in the real world (lol) nobody is actually going to give a rats *ss about my hair, but such is the idiotic mindset that I've constructed, I feel more comfortable doing it this way.....sorry if I seem like I'm wimping out guys, but my ultimate goal is to go sly......I just need to take a rather irrational path to it.

[D.A.L.U.I.]

From my own personal experience of nursing a combover, let me tell you what could happen to you.  Daily, I would have to shampoo and condition my fine, limp hair, blow dry it, fluffing it out then spray it carefully into place.  I never even heard about that "spray on" hair until I had shaved it off, so at least I didn't waste any time & money w/ that. 
Couldn't wear a hat--it would crush the "do."  But my biggest fear was rain--and it rains a lot here in sub-tropical New Orleans.  So I carefully had my umbrella, not a small folding job, but a big m-f,ing golf sized industrial job.  Then, about 6 months or so before sly, in the spring, I got caught, not just a few drops that I could take care of w/ a carefully applied comb, but a frog strangler--and I got soaked, and, like you probably are--I looked like I just gotten out of the shower--total nuclear meltdown.  What to do--well the only thing left, and as pathetic as it sounds, I went home, showered, shampooed, etc., etc., and called and postponed an appointment so I could get it in order.  That, and seeing "through" the do in the mirror to the window behind me set me on the course. 
It's going to happen to you, and if that stuff you're spraying isn't water proof--and I doubt that it is, you're going to look worse than me--black drips down your face, on your hands--it's just out there waiting to happen.  Oh, and no one ever complimented me on my hair, nope.  But, first I buzzed,#3, for a week, #2 or about two weeks, then #1, then off three days later.  At the buzz, lots of nice compliments, I do mean lots.  Then sly, first plane trip within a week of the shave down, the stewardess strikes up a conversation with me--never, I do mean never happened before--and going on really nice boosting the ego, until wifey woke up--well all good things have to come to an end, Jennifer--yup, still remember her name, took off like the wind. 
No, don't worry about people--I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them don't already know the "hairy" truth about your hair--particularly if it's black--shines "blue" it's so fake.  I'd think they'll welcome the natural approach.  And sorry, I've seen that spray stuff, it does shine "blue," screams fake.  Sorry it's the truth. 
Well that is very well going to happen to you in the future if you don't do something--and what if you absolutely can't get to the shower to repair--then you're in the soup--and most people will forget it in two to three generations, relax.   

[Mikekoz13]

Dude.... trust me.... people know. Just because they don't say anything............. well... you get it.....