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#15 by Rob on 30 Nov, 2009 14:13
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It's no use living a lie. I have met with some opposition in the past, but bending to other people just means that they are accepting you for what you're not. If they truly love you they will accept you however you look, and will realise what makes you happy.
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#16 by hammerdrill376 on 30 Nov, 2009 14:24
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Here's my two cents for whatever its worth. If you stand in a room with 30 different people you are going to get 30 different opinions on you being sly. Some will be good..some not so good. If you live your life trying to please others, especially family members, you create your own personal hell that is hard to escape from. It's not a matter of being disrespectful of your mother but there comes a time when you have to cut the emotional umbilical cord and be your own person. Not only is it not healthy for you to cave in to her on this..it is just as unhealthy for her. I remember on certain matters where I wanted to make my own decisions my mom (God rest her soul) would use the words "If you loved me..you would not"...and go into why she thought I was wrong. I told her, lovingly, what she was doing was not love but manipulation and manipulation is all about control. She came to understand that concept later. And if a confrontation arises tell them you appreciate their opinion but it is really your life and your body. If they continue to judge you it only reveals their own inner need to judge and be in control. Do what you will but I really think for your own good you need to be like a palm tree. Even it strong winds it is flexible and yet still stands its ground.
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#17 by Stu on 30 Nov, 2009 14:42
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I agree with those who say to stand your ground. Have you explained to her that you have your head shaved when not in her presence. Maybe she can come to realize how silly/crazy it is for you to change your appearance just for the time that you see her. 'Oh, you want to come visit me in 2 days... well sorry, but my head is shaved, and you might be offended that I don't have any hair for you. Maybe you could come in a couple weeks so that I can be grow some out and be more presentable to you.' Hello!!!....
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#18 by Razor X on 30 Nov, 2009 19:09
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I hear what you guys are saying - I really do. But for me I seems like getting into confrontation for something as relatively trivial as a haircut. I do bow easily to emotional blackmail and do anything for the easier life
The one time I tried to take this in hand a few years back, I turned up with bald head. My Mum said little but went quiet and my Stepdad took me for a walk and said although he didn't care about my head, my Mum had been crying and that she had also said that she wouldn't want to see me again if I looked like that. I know that he wouldn't say that sort of thing for the sake of it, so believe that it had been true.
So for a quiet non-confrontational life, I do plan my visits and grow it out every time.
Not for anyone else though, just them.
Tony
I understand what you're going through. My mother pulled the same crap when I first started shaving. And I grew my hair out a couple of times because she made me feel so guilty about it. But finally I had to do what I wanted to do, not what someone else wanted. She didn't like it, but eventually she got used to it. And believe me, I didn't think she'd ever shut up about it, but she did.
For me, it was more than just a disagreement about a haircut; it was about standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be manipulated. No matter how old we are, our parents still seem to be able to make us feel like children.
Maybe now isn't the right time to take a stand. Do what you feel you must, but just be aware that this is something you'll have to address eventually. -
#19 by TheSlyKang on 30 Nov, 2009 19:36
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When I first went Sly about 10 yrs ago I didnt tell anyone. When my wife and I went out to lunch with my brother and his wife, he wanted to know why I did it. I told him cause I wanted to and that I like it. He made the comment that I'd be growing it back in a few months and that it was just a phase I was going through. I ignored his comment and his opinion as well.... my opinion mattered more... it's my head - my life. Nothing else was ever said.... no hair ever grown.
My mom always used to say "I'm so glad you and your brother didn't get tattoos when you were in the military". Well I had been out of the military for 14 yrs when I got a tattoo. I showed it to my parents (Dad is a minister) that very evening. I didnt do it to shock them but to go ahead and confront the issue. I told them... look I've always wanted a tattoo. I designed this one and it means a lot to me. I like it and am comfortable with it and want you to be also. They took it much better than I thought they would. Never mentioned it to my brother. He saw it this summer at the pool, 4 years after I got it. Again.... my body.... my life.
You've got to stand your ground and do it respectfully. By confronting the issued head on you can get the tension behind you. In the long run they will respect you for standing up for yourself. Good luck. -
#20 by KentBaldGuy on 01 Dec, 2009 10:46
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You guys have to be the first to know that I broached the subject with my Mum (70) and Stepdad (81) via an e-mail (as it was the easiest media to compose my thoughts) sent last night. It was longish and carefully thought out and I have been nervous all day waiting for the reply when I got home.
Sure enough the replay was there and it was a lovely reply. Obviously some of it was personal and I won't share that with you but there were a couple of things from my Mum that I thought you might like to hear:
"I think the problem for me was that at first it said to me 'skinhead' 'nazi', and those kind of people. Those who walk about with these 'devil dogs' and stare at you. I know now that that is wrong, and I have realized that there are no end of quite normal and ordinary blokes (like you) who wear their heads (can't say hair!) like that."
and
"I know you grow it a bit for our benefit, but you don't have to anymore."
and
"So my reaction is - go ahead and do whatever you want to do, and I thoroughly approve."
which was the best thing I've heard in years and I am thoroughly elated and it is all down to you guys on here giving me the nerve and inspiration - so ever so many thanks from me.
Incidentally, the reaction from my Stepdad was: CONGRATULATIONS - At last you are doing something you want to do!
So this will be my first sly Christmas.......
All the best to you all,
Tony
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#21 by slydog on 01 Dec, 2009 10:56
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I have to agree 100% with Razor-X last post.
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#22 by DuffRyder17 on 01 Dec, 2009 11:39
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I have broken my mom's side of the family by seeing them individually throughout the year... easier to have a one on one encounter than take on the whole group.
now this Christmas I will face them all as a group including some that haven't seen my shaved head yet. I am nervous, but my instinct tells me nothing to worry about.
but as per Razor X advice I am ready to stand for my right to choose a hairstyle, if there are any descending opinions -
#23 by FR8TRAIN on 01 Dec, 2009 12:02
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That is awesome Tony!!!!
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#24 by D.A.L.U.I. on 01 Dec, 2009 12:03
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Great news, glad you shared it with us.
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#25 by cosahd on 01 Dec, 2009 12:13
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Funny story. In the late 60s, early 70s I wore my hair down my back. Mother was NOT amused. Ever. Then, first time I cut it off, she burst out with a hugely disappointed "ohhh...... you cut off your lovely hair." Too funny!
Ozzie, I have had the very opposite reaction. My mother is never satisfied. If my hair is longer she can see my receding and thinning hair. To long and it looks awful, now shaved short is her newest issues. I finally told her I thank God that I do not get my confidence from her. I can not make her happy. LOL -
#26 by Razor X on 01 Dec, 2009 15:23
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You guys have to be the first to know that I broached the subject with my Mum (70) and Stepdad (81) via an e-mail (as it was the easiest media to compose my thoughts) sent last night. It was longish and carefully thought out and I have been nervous all day waiting for the reply when I got home.
Sure enough the replay was there and it was a lovely reply. Obviously some of it was personal and I won't share that with you but there were a couple of things from my Mum that I thought you might like to hear:
"I think the problem for me was that at first it said to me 'skinhead' 'nazi', and those kind of people. Those who walk about with these 'devil dogs' and stare at you. I know now that that is wrong, and I have realized that there are no end of quite normal and ordinary blokes (like you) who wear their heads (can't say hair!) like that."
and
"I know you grow it a bit for our benefit, but you don't have to anymore."
and
"So my reaction is - go ahead and do whatever you want to do, and I thoroughly approve."
which was the best thing I've heard in years and I am thoroughly elated and it is all down to you guys on here giving me the nerve and inspiration - so ever so many thanks from me.
Incidentally, the reaction from my Stepdad was: CONGRATULATIONS - At last you are doing something you want to do!
So this will be my first sly Christmas.......
All the best to you all,
Tony
See? That wasn't so bad, was it? I'm glad that things worked out and it's out of the way now.
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#27 by Rob on 02 Dec, 2009 06:30
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Good for you, Tony: it was the best way. Here's to a smooooth Christmas!
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#28 by Sgt. Pate on 03 Dec, 2009 00:33
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Now that's sacrificial love bro!
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#29 by joergHH on 03 Dec, 2009 10:16
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Congrats!
A wonderful end of your story. Thank you for sharing.
Enjoy your sly life the longer the more!
J