Getting it off my chest

[Vash]

DISCLAIMER: I know that I have tattoos, piercings, a mohawk, wear big-f**k-off-combat boots and kilts and am generally thought of by most folks as a pretty "hard core" person. I am also very well read, well rounded and quite sensative at times (Call me "Emo" and receive a free ass kicking, no coupon necessary, line forms to the left  ).

This post will be a bit on the sensitive side. It will expose a softer side of me. Read on at your own peril. You have been warned...



As my birthday careens toward me once again like a very predictable steam train I find myself wondering what I've learned in these years.

Me being a man who spent the vast majority of my years from ages 17 to 31 (that's 14 years for those keeping score) involved to varying depths in "live-in-full-time-girlfriend" relationships (with the occasional 2 or 3 month break between a few of them), hell I was even engaged once. I can honestly say that I have learned more about myself in the last 2 years as a constantly single person, than I did in all those 14 years.

But even as I have learned so much about myself, I still have no answer to the question I am asked more often than any other when it comes to women and dating: “What are you looking for".

By this, they are asking what I'm looking for in another person. Who I’m hoping to meet and what do I expect from them.

That's a damned fine question.

It’s a question I’ve spent a good deal of the last couple of years trying to find an answer to. And It's a question that I don't think has a singular answer.

Oh sure, there are physical things I prefer in a woman. Most of us have physical things we like about potential partners. I generally lean toward women who are shorter than me, curvy, generally with dark hair and non-smokers. None of these things are "deal breakers", just what I tend to notice and gravitate towards. But "looks" isn't what I am "looking for".

Y'see...everyone seems to think that playing music in a band, in front of people should mean that I have women throwing themselves at me constantly. Well, let me put it this way; when you play obscure drums and other stuff like SPOONS as instruments in an Irish band, or in an olde tyme country blues band women do NOT often throw much of anything in your general direction, let alone AT you. And it doesn’t help that I can be painfully shy when I am actually attracted to someone.

And besides, even if they WERE coming onto me at shows left and right, that’s not what I’m primarily interested in right now. Strange as it sounds, getting laid ISN’T my main consideration right now. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex, I MISS sex and there’s almost nothing I like to do more than kiss a pretty girl  :@.

But I’m turning 34, not 17...

I find that more often than I am just plain horny, I am a certain kind of lonely. I miss female companionship. I miss holding hands and getting excited about seeing someone or getting a call from her. But, I digress....

I, like most people I suspect, am "looking for" different things at different times…

Sometimes I want desperately to meet THE woman. The perfect woman for me who will make my heart stop and start again. The woman who will make me suddenly understand all the mysteries of the universe. The one and only woman who can show me what all those love songs are about and why people buy cards and flowers and all that stuff.

Other times I just want somebody to sit in a bar and solve all the worlds problems with me. To play a few games of pool and laugh at each others jokes and go our separate ways smiling.

Sometimes I want to be on stage singing a love song and look into the eyes of one girl who knows that I’m singing to no one but her.

At still other times, I’ll admit to wanting someone who’ll just use me up physically for hours and leave me sore, exhausted, dizzy and looking forward to next time. A woman who can remind me what my body is designed for and teach me all about her body and the best ways to use this rampant imagination I am cursed with  .

But mainly, mostly, I find that I just want to spend my time these days in the company of a woman who wants to spend theirs with me. Someone who’ll say whatever happens to be on her mind at the moment, because she wants ME to hear it. Someone who'd not afraid to be sarcastic or mischievous with me. Somebody to miss when she's not around, cause even missing someone can be kind of cool.

I’m looking for a girl who’ll kiss me, just because it seemed like the thing to do at that moment, no matter the moment. A pretty girl who thinks I’m nifty and wants to be around me, talking or not. Not because I’m a musician, or because I’m a great cook, or cause I know a lot about a lot. But just because I’m me, and she thinks that’s good and cool and attractive and so she wants to be there as much as I do.  Somebody to fall asleep on the couch with while watching a movie or listening to music and not feel weird about it. Somebody who sees ME past my haircut or tattoos or crappy fashion sense or whatever else might put others off of me (of course, she could find all those things endearing too, that'd be ok  ).

Of course if all of the above women were one woman, that’d be fantastic too. But mostly these days, I’m looking for that last one I mentioned there. That’s her.

And with that, I will stop typing before I embarrass myself any further. I have just had this building for awhile now and couldn't think of a better place to put. Feel free to comment, council or advise... or not, as you see fit.

Thanks for reading.

Remember that ass kicking offer in the disclaimer .

[Kojack]

Not sure what to say other than you are not alone.
Seems like more and more of my guy friends express similar deep reflection regarding the special girl they haven't met yet. Might be just something guys do when they get older and feel like they are lacking something they know they want.
I never know what to say to them other than "Yeah that sucks" and the only advice I could give anyone is be yourself.

I lucked out I guess.  My girlfriend and I started dating when we were 16 years old. We've broken up and seperated several times (maybe 5 or 6) in all that time and went our seperate ways for a bit (6 months here, a year there) , but the only time I probably felt similar to you is when we were broken up. We've been back on for about 7 years now. She's everything you described but I have no clue how to tell you how to get a girl like mine. We met so long ago....I don't remember what I had to do to get her to notice me except maybe be myself.

[Mikekoz13]

Hey Vash....

It sounds to me like you want what just about every other man with common sense wants. It's about companionship and passion. Not sexual passion, but the unabashed passion to be with a woman for all the reasons you stated.

Before I met my wife I was in much the same place in my life as you are now. I was about the same age as you are currently and had pretty much the same type of relationships as you.
So I did one the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. I had an honest talk with myself about what was wrong with me..... not the other parties in my relationships. It's not an easy thing to critique yourself honestly, but I did it the best that I could. So I worked hard on changing the things I thought needed fixing.... and I made a promise to myself of no serious relationships for at least a year. I figured if i fixed myself, the good lasting relationship i was looking for would take care of itself.
I met some fine women over that year period....several of which wanted to date me seriously..... but I stayed true to my promise.
About 6 months into that year I realized that I was far happier than I had ever been in my adult life (at the age of 34). And my life just sort of changed for the better from that point.
What changed everything for me?? I would say getting myself straightened out really made everything else a lot easier for me. AND I had a "spiritual" reconnection. This doesn't mean that I became a devout Church goer or anything like that..... it just means that I sort of re-prioritized my life so that the things that are REALLY important in life became my top priorities.

I obviously don't know you, so I'm not saying that there is anything about you that needs fixing BUT I think for many men that get to their early thirties single, things SOMETIMES need to be re-prioritized. I've seen it many times over with my friends.

Mike

[StumpyDave]

Gee Vash - I almost wanted to hug you then.
But only almost.

Hope you find the right person when the time is right for both of you.

[Vash]

The "WHAT's the longest U have been without..." thread just got me thinking, that's all.

I don't want to sound like I'm depressed or bitching or anything, cause I'm not. Just sort of "sharing" as they'd say in group therapy... which this place kind of is... sort of.

I really am a pretty confident guy most of the time. I'm a natural performer and entertainer and I project that to groups of folks. Much better talking to 100 than to 1  .

Maybe I'm just hitting the part of my life where this stuff starts to surface. I dunno.

I really am open to listening to ANYTHING anybody wants to say on the topic and I genuinely appreciate advice of any kind. So don't hold back  .

[Paul]

I think what you might be hitting Vash, is the time of life when maturity and wisdom take center stage.   While the physical portion of a relationship is still important we are finally realizing that there is so much more to a relationship that just that.   Spending time together quietly, missing the softness of a womans touch and voice, just missing having that female perspective to times and situations in our lives.  It becomes even more difficult as you get older.  It has been several years now for me since I have had a serious and long lasting relationship.  The women out there (if they haven't remained single) are carrying baggage from former lives and relationships, have kids and personal commitments.   BUT they are still out there and looking for the man who fits they ideals as well.  Keep at it.  You have a lot to share bro.  Some woman is going to get really lucky one day. 

[herronm]

Vash, keep up the search, she is out there.  In fact, she is looking for you!!

My experience taught me that most of my girlfriends along the way loved me but didn't love my muscian's life style.  It is hard to be away from home almost every night and the other things that go along with that.  I've seen a lot of relationships and marriages breakup over that (and a lot of bands too).  It evens gets harder when kids come along.

The right mate can be the best, most frustrating thing in the whole world.

Max

[dog20]

I am 22 and I want the same stuff you do.  I think I may have found the right girl... but she has to come by and see me again at work (since I don't know where she works now).  Besides performing, do you do any other activities where you get to be around folks?  I have trouble with meeting people and luckily the girl I like had worked with me for awhile.  I don't know what else to say, I hope you find someone soon.

[Marz]

Vash, I can relate pretty well to parts of this.

from Boots to tatts, kilts to bands... I can relate.

The best advise I can give you is to make friends with everyone you meet. Not kiss anyones ass or anything but make it a point to strike up conversation with people, find a common interest that you can both relate to.

I do this often because I feel the world is getting more and more reclusive and I like to have a sence of community. I like making small talk with people in line at the grocery store, or folks that are out for a walk in my neighborhood etc. Maybe it is because I am getting older but I realized I dont care who you are, I just know we are sharing a similar time and why make it anything less than enjoyable?

I was not always like that though, I used to be semi unapproachable just because I really didnt care if people knew me or not, I didnt care what they thought or what they had to say... "I am me, take it or leave it" is and was my mantra and realized one day, thats kinda how everyone is but how can I even make a decision like that if we all just go about our business pretending others are not there.

Once i started making it a point of reaching out to people, I found it to be very well accepted. Almost like they had a smile and conversation building up that they didnt know how to release, when the guy in line at the store (me) says something like "wow, if it rains again this year I am gonna buy a life raft", I receive a myriad of "i know, I cant believe it either, its been so crazy and my house has a leak and my laundry cant dry..." and off we go.

The point I am making (as I realize I have just typed a novelette) is that once you get used to breaking the ice and talking to people (young, old, male, female, etc.) the easier it is to break the ice with all people. It becomes part of who you are and soon enough you will find yourself talking to someone you have that "extra" interest in and your already 2 steps ahead of the game. Trying to break the ice with a woman that you are getting heart palpitations from is WAY more difficult when you are not prepared to be yourself.

Not to mention its a strange world filled with strange people and it is fun to see how much we are the same deep down.

Anyway, hope that helps some, good luck.

[Mikekoz13]

My brother Marz getting it right AGAIN!!!

[MagmaBabe]

I want that too.

[Tyler]

I do a LOT of what Marz just said.  I think the guys that met me this weekend can attest to that.

I was in the the same situation as you and Mike when I met my wife.  I vowed no serious girlfriends for 1 year.  6 months later I met my wife, which at that time was the happiest I had ever been.

Like Mike, I really think taking a year off and focusing purely on you will help you start to realize even more about who you truly are and what truly makes you happy.  Once you do that, then you can find the person that will fit with your true self...and usually sooner than a year. 

[GASlick]

I agree with Paul.  What you are experiencing I think is called "growing up". 

I hit that about 4 or 5 years ago myself.  I am currently 37.  That "got to get some now" mentality wanes about mid thirties and you start focusing on more adult subject matter.  And I don't mean what it sounds like.   I met my wife and we got married very young.  Some people even say to young.  I was 21 and she was 20 when we got married.  I have had my personal ups and downs, but she has always stood right there beside me during my insanities.

What I found that works for me is what I call the "Stephen Weekend".  About twice a year or so I go away by myself and do whatever it is I want to do.  My wife is wonderful and I found my soul mate early in life.  Not everyone does.

Keep your head up and keep doing what you're doing......one day she'll show up.

As for your disclaimer - I don't judge anyone by how they look.  It's personal expression.    I'm not going into detail, but people have formed opinions about me without KNOWING me, so I make a pointed effort to respect everyone until they give me reason not to.  Good Luck man. 

[nomad]

I do a LOT of what Marz just said.  I think the guys that met me this weekend can attest to that.

I never seen anything Ty

But seriously Vash, brother I'm in the same boat. some of our married brothers here have said that they live vicariously through us single guys, but in reality its the other way around we want what some of them have. It has been great being single for the last couple of years but at times I miss the things you stated. There are alot of things that I love about being single, but ALOT more things i miss about having someone.

Don't give up bro but don't try to dam hard either.

and if you find any extras let me know 

[BaldRob]

some of our married brothers here have said that they live vicariously through us single guys, but in reality its the other way around we want what some of them have. It has been great being single for the last couple of years but at times I miss the things you stated. There are alot of things that I love about being single, but ALOT more things i miss about having someone.

Can I get an AMEN!!