U.K./U.S.A.

[lonestaral]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate any competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which
she does not fancy).


Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown (God help you), will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
with out skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels.................(look up
'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of - ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a spoon. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a spoon in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour (with a 'u').


8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with "catsup" but with malt vinegar.....though the
"in" folk use onion vinegar (yum yum)

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as in their
mind (clearly not the reality) they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are
also part of The Great British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Please be warned,
drinking proper beer will cause you to fall over and become completely
incapable of coherent communication MUCH MUCH quicker than you currently
experience (and that is fast already)

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a blunt cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). With much
practise, in time you may even beat the Italians (sorry Scottish Brits)


13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, but wont be much cope at that for many years and may eventually
draw against Scotland.



14. You must tell us who killed JFK and Marilyn. It's been driving us
mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776)..... we need funds currently to build
more new roads, schools, hospitals...........oh yes, and Gordon Brown
needs to get himself out of the thick/clingy smelly stuff, or he wont be
re-elected (oops, I forgot he wasn't elected in the first place)

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers (never mugs), with high quality biscuits (cookies will still be
permitted) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season..........white gloves when serving are strictly optional, as are
cubed sugar lumps and little silver tongs


God Save the Queen.

[Razor X]

Too late.  Gordon Brown isn't prime minister anymore.   

[tomgallagher]

Oh well, I kind of like the old girl actually. QE2 that is.

[Mikekoz13]

Sorry Dude.... isn't going to happen..... unless of course you want to take on all the illegal "immigrants" and the role of "World Police Officer".
Oh! And don't forget about handing out cash to the lazy like it grows on trees. Our National Debt would just be a bonus for you folks.

I could go on and on but with the limitations on political sounding off I have already pushed the limits.

(By the way, I know you had your tongue planted firmly in cheek.... I'm just stirring up the troops!)

[The Scottish Ambassador]

Sorry Dude.... isn't going to happen..... unless of course you want to take on all the illegal "immigrants" and the role of "World Police Officer".
Oh! And don't forget about handing out cash to the lazy like it grows on trees. Our National Debt would just be a bonus for you folks.

I could go on and on but with the limitations on political sounding off I have already pushed the limits.

(By the way, I know you had your tongue planted firmly in cheek.... I'm just stirring up the troops!)

No one hands out cash to the lazy like our welfare state Mike 

Granted there are people who are unable to work, but there are too many who think its there God given right to have the rest of us work our butts off to keep them.

Touchy subject?? Definitely

[xnewyawka]

To put it simply, you can take those thoughts elsewhere.   

[Magoo]

I guess "like" I mean,  you have to be a Brit to under stand their humor ...oh sorry "humour".  

[Redgrave101]

I think guys it would be best to just let this post drop off the radar. Lonestarol i mean no offense but this kind of humour never really goes down well, especially in a group of people as diverse as the like you will find here.

[TK4108]

Being an American living in the UK I definitely appreciate it.   I guess I've been corrupted by British humour...  

[lonestaral]

My apologies gentlemen.
I did not intend to offend.

The joke has passed it's 'Best before date'.

A bit like me.

[Mikekoz13]

My apologies gentlemen.
I did not intend to offend.

The joke has passed it's 'Best before date'.

A bit like me.

Oh I think most guys would be fine with the humor....... no rules have been broken.

You need to look a the teeny text under my post.....

[lonestaral]

Had a look at the 'Teeny bit"

Not a hope, my eyes are past their best before date as well.

[Magoo]

Had a look at the 'Teeny bit"

Not a hope, my eyes are past their best before date as well.

My thoughts were the same.....you have to zoom in at 400%.

[Redgrave101]

Lol, just highlight the text and copy. then go to a search engine such as google and paste it into the search box 

[lonestaral]

Gotcha !
Thanks for the help men.
End of subject.