This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago that left me feeling pretty awful about the way many people derive their sense of confidence. I know the word 'confidence' is used in the vast majority of replies in this forum, and I agree that it is a necessity, but if you can't establish confidence (in regards to your baldness) by 'letting go' and have to pass judgment to get it, you become a hypocrite. Maybe by the end of my diatribe, you'll see what I mean.
OK. Show of hands: How many of you, at some point during your transition, Googled the statement "How women really feel about bald men" or something similar? <raises hand>
This is, IMO, a standard response by a newly-realized balding guy. It's the internet. It offers privacy and a plethora of info (of questionable validity). For those who said 'yes', all of you have probably read the same 3-5 forum posts or articles that show up at the top of the search results. Depending on your pre-existing self image or general confidence level, you either came away with a sense of hope, or a sense of foreboding. Either way (and I feel I can speak for 90+% of guys) what you'd rather do is just... ASK A CHICK. BUT... you don't wanna sound insecure, so you don't... at least not point-blank in person.
This goes deep... because, sadly, you can't just ask ANY chick... you have to ask the H.O.T.T. ones. You can't just ask the chubby friend, cuz... well... she's chubby and has fewer options, so she WOULD say it's no big deal. Same thing goes for boob-less ones and the acne-scarred. They probably have lower standards by default, right? YOU wanna know what the bombshell thinks. Cuz they're the hardest to please, because, as super-attractive women, they have the best selection of potential mates. If THEY don't care... maybe you aren't doomed to the sub-standard leftovers?
@$$HOLE!!! <-- This is how you should feel if you can relate to even a portion of the thought process I just described. I don't care how depressed you are about your hair loss. Basically, you mentally (hopefully not out loud) declared someone to be too ugly to decide what is attractive. Sure, you want less-attractive women to tell you being bald is OK (cuz if they don't like it, you're doomed). But that's not enough. You have to gain the approval of someone that you and all of your friends can lust after. This makes you shallow.
I'm going to ignore all the various arguments regarding the laws of attraction and social science, and just assume that ALL OF US possess some inherent level of shallowness. I'm also going to assume that everyone, on some level, wants the 'perfect' woman. Let's accept this as true just to avoid the obvious retorts. (Am I a politician or what?!?
It just makes me mad as hell to hear a guy whining about his hair loss, and then refusing to be consoled by someone that he doesn’t want to put his penis in (at least that he would tell his friends about). Instead they rely on statements like, "I see tons of sly guys with gorgeous women..." and even then, they don’t believe them most of the time because they aren’t dating a stereotypically gorgeous woman as confirmation. You’re just GIVING AWAY the much-sought-after ‘power’ to a select group of plastic people that, in my experience, are typically to ‘dumb’ to know what to do with it i.e. not make people feel inferior.
To me, getting over the whole baldness thing involved changing the way I judge people. I had to get on a different plane mentally. I fell off my high seat when I realized I was losing my hair, but various life occurrences made me realize that the way back to my confidence was not to climb back up there by getting other people to tell me it's OK to be bald... I had to find a way to live without the chair.
If, at this point, you're thinking that I am saying that SBG or similar resources for bald guys are not a viable way to cope, that is NOT what I intended.
What I'm addressing is a difference between knowing and believing. Sure, you KNOW being bald isn't the end of the world cuz there are thousands of guys in forums that say so, but you don't BELIEVE it because you are still searching for THE authority in this life that makes it so. Take the high road and actually CHANGE your perspective on your bald/balding head. Saying that you can 'still' get hot women is another way of saying that guys who end up with 'not-hot' women have somehow settled and garners a 'sucks to be him' attitude. It’s like they’re somehow handicapped? This only makes it that much harder for you to ever believe that your dating life isn’t over. And let’s not forget, the people who tried to make you feel better… you know… the average or sub-standard women… hell, even your mother in some cases… your friends… Depending on how much they read into your reaction, these people now have the potential to feel bad about themselves because they didn’t see relief in your eyes when they said your baldness was no big deal. If you fail to see the hypocrisy in this, let me just spell it out – You made people who were trying to make you feel better… feel worse about themselves by implying that their opinion doesn’t matter.
Maybe you see what I'm getting at. This post is approaching the 'lost my audience's attention' length, so let me end with a little golden nugget for those of you who got suckered into reading this by the title. This actually happened today...
I'm sitting in Panera Bread with the girlfriend. This is an 'uppity' deli-type joint for those of you who are unfamiliar with it. I mean, they have free Wi-Fi, expensive sandwiches, coffee, like 50 types of desserts, and cute furniture that screams white-collar. This particular Panera is in a college town, so it's full of 18-24 y.o. college hotties. You know, the ones that wear the Ugg boots with the skin-tight leggings and no shorts in freezing weather, baggy sorority t-shirts and North Face coats, driving the Range Rover daddy bought them and chatting on their iPhone while stalking people on Facebook on their brand new MacBook pros (I felt like I needed one just to be allowed to sit in there =P ). These are, to me, what most guys seem to want in college. I accept that tastes vary, but... again... for the sake of the story. Sorry if that described anyone’s gilfriend or daughter. Lol
Ok, so I would not generally expect these women to appreciate a bald pate. The general argument in favor of this view is that they're young, and most guys in their age group have hair, so why bother 'trying' to accept a bald guy? BUT, as you might have guessed, I was proven wrong.
Girlfriend got up to go to the bathroom, and I am left eavesdropping on the people at a table like 2.5 feet to my left (what could I do?). It's two stereotypically-hot women, and this one buzz-cut guy. All Greek by the look of them. Anyways, Girl 1 makes a comment about her dad balding on top and trying to sport the 'fo-hawk' to hide it.
Guy--"Yeah, when dudes start developing male pattern baldness... I think they should just shave it off" <-- sound familiar? Why does he think that? He's obviously not balding... why would he have an opinion that’s anything but negative?!?!
Girl 1--"Yeah, I am gonna make him cut it off at some point. Mom agrees. He's just buzzing right now, but knows we're gonna make shave it at some point, at least down to a zero" (I had to suppress a giggle at this point)
Girl 2--"Yeah, I think that's just so much cleaner. I mean, I don't understand how guys can't see that having random whisps of hair everywhere throws off their symmetry"
Girl 1--"You learn that in anatomy? lol"
Girl 2--"Yeah, that's what my proff said is a basic point of attraction (symmetry… not hair). I never thought about it, but maybe that's why I think Alex is so hot"
Girl 1--"Yeah your boyfriend is pretty sexy" (at this point she consoles the guy at the table, apparently he's her BF)
MY girlfriend comes back from the bathroom, so I redirect my attention to her. 10 mins go by and then... 'Alex' shows up... and he’s bald. Shaved to the skin. ‘Bout a Norwood 5 to look at him, can’t be more than 24-25 years old. Alex introduces himself to the other guy, and then sits down next to Girl 2.
Girl 2 –“See? Perfect symmetry (rubs his head)”
And they all laugh as Alex looks befuddled. Then my girlfriend throws her lemon at me and yells at me for not paying attention to her. THE END
You can analyze this story all day… you probably wanna know if Alex was buff, tan, well-dressed, etc. You wanna know if the chicks were really perfect, or if perhaps I'm just exaggerating. And I could tell you… but if those details matter, you missed the real point of the story and you’re just too insecure to see the real truth presented here.
IF you made it this far, grats! Tune in next time for another episode of, "Life According to Celt".