ATTENTION: All Employees

• ATTENTION: All Employees by bmwgsa on 29 Jan, 2007 09:50
• Effective January 2007
  
  
  Dress Code:
  
  1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
  
  2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
  
  3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
  
  Sick Days
  
  We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
  
  Holiday Days
  
  Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
  
  Compassionate Leave
  
  This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
  
  Toilet Use
  
  1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
  
  2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
  
  3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
  
  4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
  
  Lunch Break
  
  1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
  
  2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
  
  3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
  
  
  
  
  Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
  
• #1 by PBurke on 29 Jan, 2007 10:13
• how did you get a copy of our handbook?
• #2 by PigPen on 29 Jan, 2007 10:22
• Last time I asked for a raise, they told me I needed to sell more.
• #3 by PBurke on 29 Jan, 2007 10:27
• they told me to stand on a pallet and raised it up with a forklift.
• #4 by bmwgsa on 29 Jan, 2007 10:51
• When I asked for a raise, my boss said to assume the position of obedience and grabbed a cricket bat.....
  
  I decided I could do without the raise...