Smelly topic; well okay it was pretty bad, but the new ones may be worse!

• Smelly topic; well okay it was pretty bad, but the new ones may be worse! by D.A.L.U.I. on 18 Mar, 2010 13:33
• A man's wife kept bugging him about his deodorant.  Nothing he bought satisfied the woman.   Finally, he told her to buy one and he'd use that.  She brought a new brand home and said, "Please just follow the directions, I can't stand your smell much longer!"  So, the next day, he comes to breakfast after showering, and he's walking very funny.  His wife says, what's wrong with you, you're walking like a sick crab!"  He says, "Well honey, I used that new deodorant this morning.  The directions said take off the cap and push it up!  So I pushed it up there and it's hard to walk, but my farts smell great.  But how's this going to work on my underarms?"
• #1 by aarrggh on 18 Mar, 2010 18:43
•  C-MON ... You can do better then that .. ! ?               
                                                                   
• #2 by sellitman on 20 Mar, 2010 08:56
•  
• #3 by D.A.L.U.I. on 20 Mar, 2010 09:26
• Quote from: aarrggh on 18 Mar, 2010 18:43

  C-MON ... You can do better then that .. ! ?               
                                                                   
  

  
  Well, that one was a little like the ones you used to post , but how about these:
  
  Subject: Cannibal jokes
  
  
   Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
   
  
  
  
  Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers?
  
  Because writers cramp but readers digest.
  
  Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
  taste funny to you?"
  
  
  The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?"
  The 2nd cannibal replied,  "I'm on my last leg now."
  
  
  
  One cannibal to another:  I never met a man I didn't like!
  
  
  What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
  
  A celebrity roast.
  
  
  What do cannibals eat for dessert? 
  
  Chocolate covered aunts.
  
  
  
  What is a cannibal's favorite game? 
  
  Swallow the leader.
  
  
  
  What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
  
  The cold shoulder.
  
  
  
  A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears
  and use his blood to wash down their food.  Finally the guy calls the
  chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired
  of getting stuck for the drinks."
  
  
  
  Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for
  buttering up his teacher?
  
  
  
  Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says,  "Gee, I hate my
  mother-in-law."  The 2nd replies,  "So, try the potatoes.
  
  
  
  Cannibal's recipe book:  How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
  
  
  
  A cannibal visited his neighbor to admire his new refrigerator. "What is
  the storage capacity?" the man asked.
  
  "I'm not exactly sure," the neighbor replied. "But it at least holds the
  two men that brought it."
  
  
  
  Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just
  can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted
  them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of
  marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
  
  The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
  
  The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at
  the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around
  the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on
  their heads."
  
  "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are FRIARS!"
  
  
  
  Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and
  get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a
  path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh
  dad, there's one."
  
  
  
  "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed
  the dogs. We'll just wait."
  
  Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son
  said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
  
  "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in
  that one. We'll just wait."
  
  About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son
  said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
  
  "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
  
  "Why not?" asked the son.
  
  "We're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
  
  
  
  An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a
  malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a
  rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
  
  They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew
  anything about the crash.
  
  The Chief said, "You betcha!"
  
  When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and
  we drank the Pepsi."
  
  The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
  
  The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
  
  Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
  
  The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
  
  After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did
  you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
  
  The chief says, "No, of course not!"
  
  "No?" asked the rescuer.
  
  "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
  
  
  
  Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile
  cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under
  it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries
  started to laugh uncontrollably.
  
  The other missionary was incredulous, and said, "What's wrong with you?
  We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What could possibly
  be funny at a time like this?"
  
  The laughing missionary said, "I just peed in their soup!"
  
  
  
  
  
  At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing
  on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he
  noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am
  saved!"
  
  The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of
  human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
  comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own
  head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to
  survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
  
  The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
  disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive,
  but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
  
  
  
  These two cannibals kill a missionary. They argue for a while about how
  to divide him up, when finally, one of them says, "Okay. You start at
  the head and I'll start at the feet."
  
  So they begin their tasty feast. After a while one of them says, "Hey,
  this is really great. I'm having a ball."
  
  "Slow down!" cries the other cannibal "You're eating too fast!"
  
  
  
  One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There,
  people cost $2 but politicians cost $25.  The visiting cannibal asked,
  "How come politicians cost so much?"
  
  The chief answered,  "Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?"
  
  
  
  Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large
  meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said.
  
  "Thanks,"  his friend said, "I'm gonna miss her!"
  
  
  
  An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
  blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says
  quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
  
  There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No,
  you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the
  head of the chief standing in front of you."
  
  So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of
  the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and
  surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
  
  The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."
  
  
  
  There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by
  cannibals.  The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if
  they pass the trial.  The first step of the trial was to go into the
  forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men
  went separate ways to gather fruits.
  
  The first one came back and said to the king,  "I brought ten apples."
  
  The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up
  your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
  
  The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he
  was killed and went to heaven.
  
  The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the
  trial to him, he  thought to himself that this should be easy.
  1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in
  laughter, therefore also was killed.
  
  The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
  "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
  
  The second one replied,  "I  couldn't help it.  I saw the third guy
  coming with pineapples."
  
  
  
• #4 by aarrggh on 26 Mar, 2010 18:58
•  I finally laughed when i got too the last joke...................!