Sly Bald Guys Forum
Discussions About Being Bald => Reactions to being Bald => Topic started by: Ghost1988 on April 06, 2009, 09:09:52 PM
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ive been shaving my head since august and i still get sh*t about it from my dad whens hes in a bad mood. he WILL NOT warm up to it and its been 8 months. hes constantly telling me "im sick of looking at your shaved head you need to grow it back" or "wth you growing your hair back? i thought this was only temporary?" hes constantly on my ass about it, but when hes in a bitchy mood he gets REAL obnoxious about it. i tell him that my hairs thinning and im losing it but he just gets pissed because hes in denial that im going bald. he says "what the hell are you talking about? you have thick hair and always have. you just have a receding hairline its not a big deal" he thinks im way too young too go bald and that im imagining it.
i grew my hair out for a week so today i could prove to him that my hair was thinning. i went under the light and said "LOOK! why are you denying it?" and he just once again denied it but this time there was a long pause like he noticed it. he just got pissed and said "grow it back" then walked away.
i know im 20 and i can do whatever the hell i want (which i do), but it would be nice to have his support through this tough time. you would think that him telling me that im not going bald and denying it would help my confidence but its actually making matters worse and making me feel worse, because its like hes so ashamed and in disbelief that im losing my hair hes acting like im not. it kinda embarrasses me too because he has a full head of thick curly hair. so he makes me feel like im not on his level.
it makes me wonder what will happen if/when i lose all my hair? will he still deny it, or will he be so ashamed that he cant even take me serious?
im tired of fighting over me shaving my head. im already stressed about it thinning, i dont need more drama added on.
any ideas? what should i do, say, think, etc?
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You are 20, you can do what ever in the hell you want to do. Sounds like your Dad needs to get a grip on life and learn how to control his own vanity issues.
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I am 28 and I know losing hair can be hard when you get reactions like that. I like my shaved head most of the time but my family and friends try to presure me to grow it back. I gave in before the 30 days last time but this time I want to give it more time. I am obviously thinning and I can still get pretty good crew hair cuts but I have to get it done every 3-4 weeks with that and go to a good barber which cost money. The money I am saving is good for me. Plus I am going bald and their is nothing I can do about it. I will not take the medicine and I will not wear a wig. So it is good that I am getting used to my new look.
You can't control your Dad but try not to let it effect you. I wish I would get compliments from my family and friends but they don't like my shaved head. I am learning to just deal with it and not let it get under my skin. The most important thing is how you feel about it. Your Dad should be glad you have chosen not to poison your body with the medicine.
I would tell your Dad how he makes you feel and ask him to stop politely. If he doesn't stop then from that point forward I would pretend not to hear him when he said anything negative about my shaved head. I would just move on like he said nothing. After you are assertive and make your feelings known their is no reason to fight about it. I don't won't to push any religion on you but I feel prayer has helped me a lot from the self esteem problems the hair loss caused me.
Best wishes and I hope things improve.
Frank
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Ghost, from what I've read in some of your other posts I know you respect your dad quite a bit, so this has to be tough on you.
My suggestion would be to ask your dad to go have a beer with you or dinner or something. Then explain to him why shaving your head makes you feel better about yourself. Ask him to hear you out before he says anything. Tell him you respect him and when you're done talking you'll listen to why he is against you shaving your head.
Ask him if he'd rather have a happy son with a shaved head or a depressed son with thinning hair. My guess is that he'll choose the happy son.
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Hey Ghost,
I don't think your dad's ashamed. I think he loves you and doesn't know how to react. Obviously he can see it's bothering you but he just doesn't know what to say. Sometimes fathers, because they were never taught how to express feelings, make comments that are very hurtfull. Most of time, they just don't know what else to say.
My dad, who was bald by the time he reached 22, had somewhat of the same reaction when i started to lose my hair. So when I talked to him about shaving my head, I could tell that he couldn't understand why. That's just the way fathers are.
Don't forget that, as we learn to deal with our hair loss, so does the rest of the world. Our families need time to make some adjusments. Losing your hair means you're growing up, and no parents want to see their kids grow up. But I don't think in any way that you dad is ashamed. I think he just wishes he could find something to say to help you.
All that being said, yes you're 20 and you're slowly learning to get tougher. With time, all the negative comments, related to your head or not, will not have the same impact because your confidence will grow stronger. Trust me.
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I know im 20 and i can do whatever the hell i want (which i do), but it would be nice to have his support through this tough time. you would think that him telling me that im not going bald and denying it would help my confidence but its actually making matters worse and making me feel worse, because its like hes so ashamed and in disbelief that im losing my hair hes acting like im not. it kinda embarrasses me too because he has a full head of thick curly hair. so he makes me feel like im not on his level.
If it was me, I'd try asking my Dad to sit down with me and I'd start with somethign like "Dad, you know how much I love and respect you. And how much your love and respect means to me. I need you to hear me out on this, so please just listen".
At that point I'd basically tell him exactly what you wrote in the text I quoted above. It's honest, straight forward and to the point. Let him know that whether or not HE notices it. YOU notice it. And his reactions are effecting you in a negative way.
Once you've stated your case, ask him to talk to you about it. Not argue with you, or command you to do anything. But talk to you man to man, father to son.
Good luck with the situation, however you manage to resolve it.
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I am with the rest of the guys on this one. You need to spend some time explaining to your dad why shaving your head makes you feel better. And why not shaving your head has a negative effect on your emotional and mental wellbeing. And then explain how his negative remarks about your head and appearance are undermining your confidence and more importantly, putting a strain on your relationship. I am also wondering if he is finding it difficult to deal with because you have had the courage to shave and he cant just bring himself to do it, and maybe he wants to.
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It amazes me how shaving your head can cause such negative reactions. Your Dad is obviously "old school". Seeing it's your Dad you don't want to tell him to piss off. It's too bad that you have to have this drama at 20 years of age. I don't really know what to tell you. If I can be any help just PM me. Good luck partner.
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I'm the only bald guy in my family- my brother and dad still have tons of hair. My mom was also in denial for a while about me losing my hair. She wasn't nasty about it, but she would constantly ask me when I was going to grow my hair back and basically refused to beleive that there was not much to grow back for a long time. Now she gets it.
As others have mentioned, you should have a talk with your dad, if that doesn't work of if you don't have that kind of relationship, you just need to lay down the law. Let him know that while you respect his opinion it's your head, you're an adult and you have every right to control your appearance in any way you see fit. He will come around.
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sorry to hear that your dad isn't accepting of your decision, bro. i understand having his support means a lot, but your own personal happiness means a lot too, and if shaving your head makes you feel better about yourself, that's what you should do. it's your life, not his. if he wants to make such a fuss over it, let him.
it took my parents a while but now they've come to accept it. they told me the exact same thing too, "oh if you grow it out, no one can even tell you're losing it." but the bottom line was that I KNEW i was losing it, and i hate having to always worry how my hair looked. i think they finally understand that im much happier having shaved my head. hopefully you're dad will soon realize and accept this as well. good luck bro
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Ghost,
What the guys are writing here is on target. We've all seen enough photos to know that you already have significant hair loss. So your dad's perceptions are unreal. So do have that heart to heart with him as the others have written. I hope it works.
If you can't convince your dad with a conversation like that, then only time will solve the problem. Perhaps, you can at least agree to disagree in peace. Be a great son but be true to yourself and in time your dad will accept who you are and respect you for being your own man.
Hang in there, brother, and it will all work out.
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You're twenty and a man. Wear it the way you want. I recommend very "politely" ignoring your dad. He's a man too and he'll get it eventually.
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SInce you asked for help I thought I would chime in on this one. Your dad seems like he feels he "owns" you and can control you, sort of old fashioned maybe or just insecure about himself, his life, what he did do and maybe regrets about what he did not do and sees you as another version of himself, he helped create. I think many dads are like this with their sons. A version he can make into what he would prefer himself to be didnt do, a version where baldness is to be denied. He feels baldness is something to be avoided and a negative as it was 20 or 30 years ago in our culture, his point of reference. My idea is that nothing you say, how or when you say it will change that. An outside chance might be a letter, on paper, that you ask him to read (when you are not there) where you say what you wish without being interupted if it were a live conversation. Realize he may not change his baldness views and prepare to move on with your life. Many times we learn our parents are a bit flawed or unyielding in their beliefs when we get to be about 20 or 21. Nothing can change that. At 20 I would make plans to move out on your own or into a college dorm/apartment situation if you go to school, even take student loans to do it. Parents are what they are, put your energy into creating what you want for you now and realize you may not get the support you want from your dad and learn to be OK with that. Then you can move on happily.
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I agree with the guys that said you should explain it to him why you do it, and why it makes you feel better. But, if that doesn't work, it's your dome, your choice.
If nothing else works, then just say
"Dad, I don't tell you how to cut your hair, so you can't tell me how to cut mine. I like it, and I'm gonna do what I want with my head."
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Agreed with everyone on here. You're father is evidently in a state of denial, which is making it unclear for him to realize your hair is thinning. I am 20 also, and have been shaving my head for about 4 months, my mother hated it at first, but finally adapted. She actually gives it a rub when I'm one shaving, pretty funny. Anyway explain to him you're an adult, and the choices you make are for a reason, which is to be happy. As a matter of fact, you should show him this forum, and have him read our posts, and the all the great things about being bald on here. Good luck!
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Sounds like your Dad is having some control issues. From a father standpoint I can understand this. Even something as simple as a change in one's hair style or shaving it off can be a hard thing for a father to deal with. My daughter is naturally blonde but she wanted to have her hair darker and cut differently than the way she kept it for years. To be honest I didn't like it because a part of me felt like I was losing "my little girl". However she was repectful but stood her ground and I had to realize she wasn't going to be little forever. Anyway maybe that is some of what your Dad is facing internally. I know you are a man with the right to make your own decisions but from his viewpoint, at your age you are still going from boyhood to manhood and sometimes parents emotionally don't want their kids to grow up. That also means he has to give up some control which I can tell you,as a Dad, is a damn tough thing to do. Belive me I face it every day with my daughter who is less than a year from being an adult. Anyway I would suggest you be respectful of him but stand your ground and hopefully he will come around. Hopefully one day he will realize the time he spends downing your decision can be more constructively spent with you.