Sly Bald Guys Forum
Various Non-Bald Discussions => General Discussion => Topic started by: time2shine on September 04, 2008, 11:28:37 AM
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Hey guys. This is a follow up to Buckweet's question about what age should your kids be leaving the house. I feel that it should be as early as maturely possible. If your son/daughter isn't out by atleast 20, then they should be paying rent. With that said, I'm stuck making a decision, and I will copy/paste my post from the previous thread:
"I am currently living on my own (23 yrs old), but I am planning on moving back to my parents for the next 10 months before I get married to save up some money and/or somewhat of a nest egg. I will still be employed, and although it initially sounded like a wise decision to make, I am really not looking forward to it. My parents are surprisingly not opposed (atleast from what they say), but I'm fearful of falling into the traps of living at home - spending money on luxories, family drama, invading my parents's space. But one of the biggest downsides of moving from my current place is that its 5 minutes from work, while my parent's place is a 30-45 min drive depending on traffic (not too bad)."
The reason I would have extra money, is they would not be charging rent. It has been a goal of mine to be able to purchase a house at a young age, and I'm seeing this as an oppurtunity to store away money, that I would be spending on rent ($500 dollars, at the cheapest, in Seattle). My question to you, particularly guys that got married young, or have moved back home is: Would I benefit more from the money I save in those 10 months, or from the experience of continuing to live on my own before getting married?
Furthermore, and here's what I failed to mention in the first post, I am currently living with my girlfriend, and my parents are NOT in favor of living with your spouse before marraige, which is why they are mostly not opposed to me moving back home.
Another question, what's all your guys' takes on living with your woman/man before marraige? Given your backgrounds, would you support your son in his decision to live with his future wife?
I may get a wide range of answers, but I respect your opinions, and wanted to see if u had any thoughts. Thanks for reading.
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Just wonder . . . how long have you been co-habitating?
Red
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I live at home with the rents. I'm 24. But...that's only because I travel a lot for work and am only home on the weekends, half of which I spend out of town visiting friends. As soon as I have a more permanent location job-wise, I will be moving out.
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Just wonder . . . how long have you been co-habitating?
Red
Roughly 2 years
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My wife and I have been married 37 years and I would have to agree with your parents. No living together outside of marriage. That being said I realize everyone will have a different opinion depending on age and the values you were taught while being raised and things like what your peers do and so on and so forth.
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OK, I have to present the amoral view now. After two years of living together, moving back to your parent's house seems a hollow gesture. Since I've never had the option of a legal marriage I can be a little more pragmatic. How is it that you would save money by moving home. What is the rent payment arrangement in your current living situation. Also, if you are very close to work that is a big positive. Why not just get married now? (BTW, I'd be about in your parents' age range)
Red
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Boy Red....your old.... :)
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Boy Red....your old.... :)
Gee Brkeatr . . . you're older :*))
Red
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Boy Red....your old.... :)
Gee Brkeatr . . . you're older :*))
Red
OK....OK.....LOL
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OK, I have to present the amoral view now. After two years of living together, moving back to your parent's house seems a hollow gesture. Since I've never had the option of a legal marriage I can be a little more pragmatic. How is it that you would save money by moving home. What is the rent payment arrangement in your current living situation. Also, if you are very close to work that is a big positive. Why not just get married now? (BTW, I'd be about in your parents' age range)
Red
Red, I am all for getting married to her right now. Get me to Vegas, and lets seal the deal. Steph, however, wants a "real" wedding, and we already have it planned to happen in her Grandparent's backyard. She's really excited about it. I have also suggested, hey, let's get it done with a judge, we can still have a ceremony next Summer. Her reply is that it won't be the same... but I am still working on that suggestion. Also the reason we are waiting until next summer is she finishes up school soon, and this will give her time to focus on getting into the workforce, rather than planning a wedding.
I currently pay $550/month for my current living situation, and moving back home would save me that money. As far as it being a hollow gesture, it's not a gesture in my eyes, as it has little to do with pleasing my parents. But as you see, it still affects me a bit. Family get togethers are awkward, and as much as I don't want to care how my parents view me, it still is on my mind because i love and respect them.
But honestly, I would like you to convince me that not moving back is a better decision, because i just don't want to do it. I like how I'm living now, i just have the opportunity to save some cash b4 the big day.
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Is the $550 going toward your fiancee's apartment, or do you maintain another apartment that you call your own? If it's hers will she get another roommate to make up the difference? I'm not saying 'don't honor your parents', just saying after two years, what's the diff? It just seems like a lot of moving and inconvenience for appearances sake.
Red
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Is the $550 going toward your fiancee's apartment, or do you maintain another apartment that you call your own? If it's hers will she get another roommate to make up the difference? I'm not saying 'don't honor your parents', just saying after two years, what's the diff? It just seems like a lot of moving and inconvenience for appearances sake.
Red
It is 1100 a month, split in the middle. Her parents pay her half of the rent (yes, lucky girl) while she has been going to school. Now that she will be graduating, she will not have that, and living with her parents may take some pressure off her trying to find a job right away. After typing that, it seems like it would be a trap for her to freeload, but she is nothing like that, and we will be living together again in 10 months, regardless.
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I agree with Red... after two years it shouldn't make a difference. Your folks should be over it by now..... besides you're marrying her in a few months not just shacking up.
The tension of you living at home becuase you feel like you're invading your parents space, coupled with the tension of an impending marriage (trust me there will be some), coupled with the tension from your longer commute to and from work will wear you down over those ten months.
How much money will you really save in those ten months?.... my guess is not a lot. You will feel obligated to give your folks money for rent OR groceries OR utilities.... whatever. The fact that you are even asking this shows that you are very concientious.
Add the money that you give your folks to the money spent commuting and the additional time wasted everyday from your life for the longer commute and you probably aren't saving much at all. Take some friendly advice and don't make it all about money because these other things are important.
If you commute goes up to about 30 miles each way from the 5 or so you're making now (based on what you said previously) look at just the commuting costs like this:
If your car averages 25 MPG.... and we average gas at $3.50/gallon:
Currently driving 10 miles round trip per day... daily fuel cost = about $1.75 (.5 gal)
New drive at 60 miles round trip per day......... daily fuel cost = about $8.75 (2.5 gal)
Difference in fuel cost per day : $8.75 - $1.75 =$7.00 per day
About 22 work days per month : 22 x $7.00 = $154 additional fuel cost per month!!
There's $150 right there... then there is your time... which is invaluable.
Of course these numbers are approximate and you would have to calculate based on your true commuting distances and MPG of you car.
Being on your own and having the additional time is worth any money difference...
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While no longer living with your girl may be morally hallow in some respects, I think it would be great for your relationship if you guys lived separately until you get married. Doing so will allow you to appreciate the things that are nice about living together. And saving money is a wise thing to do since many fights between a married couple are caused because of money.
Though, before moving in with your folks, make sure to get some rules agreed upon. When I moved back in with my parents for two months after college it was tough because my mom initially thought she could interrogate me like I was still in High School.
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My 2p
I'm an atheist so a religious marriage service means nothing to me. The commitment between 2 partners is the binding issue. My wife and I had a legal ewdding in a nice hotel to celebrate our love for each other with our friends and family. WIth or without I'd have felt the sae. We lived together for 3 years before we got married.
My parents are anti-pre-marital-cohabitation. Once they saw our deication to each other they accepted it and when we visited we shared a room. I was older than you at that point, having already been through a failed marriage. Before I married my first wife we did not share a room at my parents house as that was their wishes. However we rented a small place and then bought quite young.
There's nothing like pressure for focussing the mind on getting a job. I have (fortunately) never been out of work. I may have taken some pretty awful jobs to get by, but I always worked. $1100 is a lot to find on a single salary.
How much will you save living with your parents?
I would pay them some rent myself, but they may not want to take much. You are going to have to spend more on travel.
Having lived together for 2 years it will be hard to be apart for a few months.
Personally, I'd rather stand on my own feet with the partner of my choice than move back to the parents for a while. I am strong willed/stubborn/pig-headed (delete as applicable).
Sorry, I can only lay out the facts as I see them, not tell you which way to go.
Get yourself 2 pieces of paper, one for live together in your own place, one for move back to parents. Make 2 columns on each. List all points for and against each option.
Once you've your lists put a weighting factor against each item (as most important or least attractive).
Add the fors, subtract the againsts to get a score.
Go with the best score.
Be 100% committed to you choice.
Good luck
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Very insightful feedback guys, i appreciate it all.
And Mike, with the gas equations and everything! And actually the 5 and 30 were in reference to minutes, so my current drive to work is even less than 5 miles... its about 5 miles roundtrip. Very very nice.
I guess I implied it in my last post, but didn't make it clear - she would be moving back home as well, to live rent free while she looked for a job, so that would be a benefit for her, money wise. But I also agree with not holding money as the highest importance, as that will come and go..
But like Dave said, I just need to make a list with a weighting factor on each item, and figure it out.
Be 100% committed to you choice.
That's probably the best thing I can do. Thank you.
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I came in on this late, but I think I have something to add.
I got married at 21 and my wife was 20. We did not live together before we were married, my parents and hers both were staunch against it. Which is fine. Quite honestly, WE didn't want to live together before we got married. I would be against my children living with someone before getting married too. If they want me to pay for a wedding, they play by my rules. :x!
It will do your relationship good to actually NOT live together for a few months. Both of you can do "your own thing" before it's the two of you for the rest of you lives.
My parents were very clear: If you move out, you are out. And I quote: "We love you very, very much. But if you make adult decisions, food clothing and shelter are part of being an adult". Pretty clear where they stood, huh?
With all that said though, I did get married very young, which I don't recommend for everyone. My wife and I practically grew up together after we got married. We made mistakes, me more than her, and got through them together. I don't know how much that helps, but there it is.
Good Luck and ppssstt - little secret........better let her have the wedding she wants. ;D
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I think a bigger issue facing our parents is them having to live with us - or us having to move in with them - as they age and their health fails. No one likes to think long-term health care facilities. My parents always said they would hire in-home health care. We have learned that is easier said than done, though.
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I'm all FOR living together before marriage. I lived with my wif... wait... I'm in the middle of a divorce..... I say DON'T live together before marriage. Moving back home for a bit after having been living on your own can be a good experience for your whole family.
For me, when I moved back home I was a better son. I had a deeper understanding about what it takes to run a home and the added respect I gave to my parents came back to me 10 fold. Aside from right now, we never got along better.
Unfortunately I don't think I ever managed to save money living with my folks. Because I didn't want to hang out with them every single night I ended up going out a lot to give everyone the space they were accustomed to. Going out and enjoying life can be quite expensive. My plans went poof and I ended up moving out because I found a better job for more money.
In any case, it sounds like you have good stuff going on and you get the girl in the end. Awesome! Best of luck to you. Life's an adventure.
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Thanks again for the feedback.
As of yesterday, we made it official to go with our original plan of moving out by the end of this month. We sat down and decided that at this point in our lives, this is the best decision we can make.
Although you guys made some great points to stay in my current situation, this will be a great oppurtunity for us to be close with our families in the coming months before our marraige. Both our parents are not going to charge rent (I feel guilty just typing that) to help us save a little as well. I'm extremely grateful, but I will be volunteering to help out with money, we'll see how they respond. The 10 months will go quicker than I think, and I'm sure I will look back at it as a smart decision.
GA, I agree with you that the time not living together will be beneficial. Not that I want to be away from her, but because we can have a fresh start, and do things right the first time, when we move back together.
I do not want to turn this thread into a religion talk, but I am also making this decision for religious reasons. It's hard to understand why one would make decisions to possibly make life harder, because of their religious beliefs, but it's what I feel is right. I'm not proud of some decisions I've made, but all I can do is move forward and make the decisions that I believe are right.
Beyond that, my dad is a marraige and family therapist, and has told me that statistics show that couples who live together prior to marraige are more likely to divorce. Of course, I don't know where he got these statistics, and what the differential is, but if you knew my dad, it would be hard not to be persuaded by that comment. Not only is he a marraige and family therapist, he has this silent assasin quality about him.. it's like he's just observing the situation and holding his thoughts to himself - I know he never wants to impose, but I'm always whats going on in that brain of his :-*
I'm babbling, and I'm surprised if you're still with me, but the bottom line is, when/if I have kids of my own, I want to be able to back my big bad laws, with some valid experience.
edit - LOL.. didn't mean to put a kissy face...i was looking for more of a :-\
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Best wishes to you young bro !!...and by the way.....sounds like your Dad is a wise man O0
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Time2Shine--
I know you're not married yet but you will find it harder to save money once you ARE married.......unless you know the secret that married men everywhere have figured out. Since you're a SLY brother I'm going to give you the secret now so you'll be prepared. Here's the secret:
The day before your wedding take a very large jar and place it in an indiscreet place in your bedroom. From your wedding day until your first anniversary, every time you and your new bride have sex put a dollar in the jar. Starting the day after your first anniversary every time you and your wife have sex take a dollar out of the jar.. You'll never empty the jar...thus a nice savings. ;)
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You know Mike, I have heard that hundreds of times. Has anyone actually done that? ???
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The day before your wedding take a very large jar and place it in an indiscreet place in your bedroom. From your wedding day until your first anniversary, every time you and your new bride have sex put a dollar in the jar. Starting the day after your first anniversary every time you and your wife have sex take a dollar out of the jar.. You'll never empty the jar...thus a nice savings. ;)
LOL. thanks
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You know Mike, I have heard that hundreds of times. Has anyone actually done that? ???
Of course you've heard it before....YOU"RE MARRIED!!!!!
Well I've been married nearly 13 years and I just counted what was left the other day...... still have $7421 left (it was a busy first year).........
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You know Mike, I have heard that hundreds of times. Has anyone actually done that? ???
Of course you've heard it before....YOU"RE MARRIED!!!!!
Well I've been married nearly 13 years and I just counted what was left the other day...... still have $7421 left (it was a busy first year).........
:*)) you wish.
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You know Mike, I have heard that hundreds of times. Has anyone actually done that? ???
Of course you've heard it before....YOU"RE MARRIED!!!!!
Well I've been married nearly 13 years and I just counted what was left the other day...... still have $7421 left (it was a busy first year).........
:*)) you wish.
Stephen-
If I'd have gotten laid that many times the first year I would have weighed 27 lbs. and been blown away in the first stiff breeze that came by!!!! :*)) :*))
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I did that...and all i had was 50 cents...
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If anyone in this world will allow you to live with them for nothing… take advantage of the situation and make the best of the opportunity. Doesnt matter if you're 17 or 87.
Save up enough cash to buy a house, a car, a hot tub and a boat. (At the very least)
I wouldn't worry too much about the moral aspects.
especially if you've been living together for 2 years.
(Unless of course you're a eunuch)
It's always better to rely on others and vae your cash if you have that opportunity. I'm currently 37 and moved out when I was 19 years old. If I could find a sucker to take me back in so I could save my cash, I'd be all over that deal!! Unfortunately at this point I make like like 5x more than my folks and they live in a small house in the middle of no-where. :(
If anyone is interested in a room-mate wth ALOT of baggage. PM me.
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Best wishes to you young bro !!...and by the way.....sounds like your Dad is a wise man O0
Thanks Brkeatr. He is a wise man.
If anyone in this world will allow you to live with them for nothing… take advantage of the situation and make the best of the opportunity. Doesnt matter if you're 17 or 87.
Great point.