Sly Bald Guys Forum
Confidence and Success => Relationships/Dating => Topic started by: Mike on February 15, 2013, 10:38:31 PM
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So here's some background. Way back when I was a freshman in high school, I first saw this girl at my neighbors house. We started talking and hanging out at lunch and everything before too long. I showed goats against her and always won but she was a good sport about it. Then we started to get into that teasing phase, I started working on her families dairy and we would work together all the time. Then I got a retail job and stopped talking to her. We barely kept in touch but always felt great around each other. I moved to the city, she went away to school, we kept in contact on facebook every once in a while.
So, when I moved back home I started thinking about her again. I lost her number and she deleted her page, well we ran into each other at the store one day and started talking again. She was working at the university so trying to find time was a pain. I finally got the nerve to ask her out. At first it was just to go out for dinner and catch up on old times, nothing fancy. Well she asked if it was just friends getting together or a date. I told her she could consider it a date if she wanted which her response was something along the lines of "If it's a real date, I'll wear clean clothes, otherwise I'll just wear my chore boots" so I told her it was a real date. The place we went pretty much rushed us through dinner so it didn't turn out as planned. That was a couple months back.
Now she is back from working at university again and I asked her out again. Is this wise? I have never really dated like this. I have had feelings for her for about 10 years and neither of us have really dated. Since I haven't had a successful relationship, I need some pointers.
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Something Sly related goes way back. We were at her family BBQ when we were in school and her mom said that the Dr that delivered her was bald and he made her scream like no other so she'll never trust or like a bald man. She brought this saying up again when the Sly coach at school substituted in our ag class in Senior year. After that, I moved to the city and went Sly, she didn't see me for a couple years and flat out said she didn't like bald guys. Now when I get the idea of maybe letting my hair grow out and mention it to her, she always tells me that she prefers me smooth.
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Hi,
I can't comment on any of the sly stuff, but my opinion on the should I/shouldn't I is that you should!
Don't play games, don't hold back feelings or say something that isn't true. Obviously within the realm of acceptable social behaviour, just be honest :)
I think if she agreed to go on a real, proper date then she's definitely into you, especially after years of friendship!
I hope I followed your question and have answered appropriately. :)
Good luck! Just go for it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
P.s. speaking from my own experience only, I did NOT want a bald husband, but within a week I realized I was so wrong! For me, it was a mental block I had to get past. It actually looks really cool!
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Don't play games, don't hold back feelings or say something that isn't true. Obviously within the realm of acceptable social behaviour, just be honest :)
I think if she agreed to go on a real, proper date then she's definitely into you, especially after years of friendship!
+1 to the above.
Since I haven't had a successful relationship, I need some pointers.
I wonder what a successful relationship is? If you get married and stay together for 5 or 15 years and then get divorced would that qualify as successful? -- I reckon it would. On the other hand from the standpoint of gene survival it would only be successful if offspring were produced.
Now I see though that happiness has to be factored into the equation also. If you were together for 15 years and unhappy most of the time then that wouldn't be successful. What if you were together with someone for 30 days with 29 of those days being happier than normal and the 30th being unhappy to the point of break-up. I think that that might be a successful relationship. Maybe you have had a successful relationship?
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Relationships take time to form. Don't think so long term. Ask her out, have some banter, enjoy some dates and do things you both enjoy and that are fun. You'll either start wanting to spend more time together, or it will fizzle out.
Just enjoy it day to day and then suddenly you might find you are in a relationship.
From what I see of your posts you come across as a nice guy, you're good looking whether it be sly or not - therefore, I am sure it won't be long until you do have a relationship! Good luck, buddy!
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Life is too short to not do stuff because you wonder what might happen if it goes wrong. Go for it! if it works out, that's fantastic!, if it doesnt, then at least you tried and you wont always be thinking "What if?"
Sorry to come over all nu-age!
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You've gotten some great advice so far!
Try not to think of "having a relationship" as a well defined process that proceeds a certain way and one can be good/bad at.
If you both express/act on your feelings, remain respectful, and communicate fairly well, things will proceed naturally, whether you end up falling head over heels for each other, or things fizzle out, or something in the middle.
And everyone I know, no matter how much experience they've had, feels a little awkward and unsure in the early stages of a relationship. It's part of the fun, though it might not always feel very fun ;)
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I am currently single, but I consider every relationship I've ever had to have been "successful" in the sense that each has taught me something. The first taught me not to date someone just because she was into me. The second that I should never accept a woman who cheats, etc, etc...
It seems like everything is going for this to happen, except the motivation. Don't expect the woman to do the work! Be the MAN! Either you want to be in a relationship with her or not, but don't string her around. Either full and ask her out for a real date or keep it platonic.
And with that said, if things don't work out, she'll at least respect you for having the courage to really ask her out.
As for her mother, well, all mother's are like that––until you prove them wrong.
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I'm just reinforcing what everyone else wrote.
You look better sly, and she prefers that. Close the door on that question. Don't worry what her mom says.
And just proceed with enjoying a date with her. Don't obsess about the details or make it too complicated.
She knows you, and you know her. No one has anything to prove.
Life is to be enjoyed. Get on with it. See where it goes.
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Sounds like some good history there. Be honest, forthright, and have fun . Take it as it comes and if there is :@` you will know it .
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Mike, go for it! Have a good time and see where this goes. It's obvious that this young lady is into you so don't let this opportunity slip away from you.
It will have been better to have loved and lost than to have to ask yourself "What if?" for the rest of your life.
Jim
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Mike,
I had to stop to remember that you are a farmer... when you said that you "showed goats against her and always won" At first, I was thinking that was an expression that I haven't heard yet. <lol>
Since you have had feelings for her for the past 10 years, you owe it to yourself to ask her out on an official date again... (this time at a place that won't rush you). It sounds like she is feeling the same way and is very open to you, so you owe it to her as well. It sounds like something that needs to be pursued. As Benlen mentioned, the learning that takes place in any relationship is priceless, so if for that reason alone, you will be making a good decision.
It sounds like your lives would mesh together very nicely. Plus, she made a point to tell you she prefers you Sly... how awesome is that?!?!?! Regardless of what her mother said about the bald doctor who delivered her years ago, she is able to see how ridiculous of a statement that was. I'm sure you are the guy who can prove her wrong.
Go for it!
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Tell us how you go!! :)
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Our schedules didn't match up this past week but next Tuesday we're going to a BBQ place.
I don't know if it is just me being me or if others can see my point of view on this. I am one of the few people left it seems that believes that sex should wait until after marriage. Well, I heard through the grape vine that she has lost her virginity a few years back. Is it bad that it changes me view of her? I know she hasn't gone out sleeping around but it has still altered the way I see her
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Well, I would say that you are wrong, but you may not be able to help it.
I am an atheist, but from I understand a Christian is suppose to be Christ-like. There are a few instances in the bible where Jesus testified to and forgave prostitutes, including the Woman at the Well and woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears. So, to that I say if Jesus could accept those people for who they are are, surely you can accept this girl for who she is? Have you not sinned before (not saying that it is a sin, because I don't believe in sin)? Was your sin a "better sin?"
I would try to cut her some slack or find a girl that fits the mold that you are looking for. To be honest, sex really is not a big deal and should define a person. When it comes down to it, its just 2 pieces of skin bumping in to each other.
If you absolutely can't get over it, you should probably let her go, because it doesn't sound like a healthy way to start a relationship.
Finally, it may not even be true, though at her age, it is very likely it is just based on statistical data.
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Mike,
If you think this is something that will bother you down the road, then now is the time to back out. If you like everything else about her and this is the ONE thing that bothers you.... maybe you should reconsider. Humans make mistakes... and is one mistake more or less forgiveness-worthy than another?
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Sounds tricky!
Personally I think that the past is the past. Hopefully you can come to terms with it because you seem really keen on her.
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I don't know if it is just me being me or if others can see my point of view on this. I am one of the few people left it seems that believes that sex should wait until after marriage. Well, I heard through the grape vine that she has lost her virginity a few years back. Is it bad that it changes me view of her? I know she hasn't gone out sleeping around but it has still altered the way I see her
Are you insinuating that you are a virgin?
If so, it sounds like it could be religious reasoning, but also your own insecurities. I wouldn't want to date a woman who was much more sexually experienced than myself, not because she "slept around," but because the pressure on me being good in bed would be that much greater!
If this is a religious belief though, don't punish the girl with that!
There's nothing wrong with sleeping safely with multiple partners in your life until the day you happen to find someone you want to settle down with––and most people who profess the whole "don't sleep together until marriage thing" are generally hypocrites who also decry the use of birth control.
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and most people who profess the whole "don't sleep together until marriage thing" are generally hypocrites who also decry the use of birth control.
And how do you arrive at that conclusion? ???
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It's not just because of religion but personal reasons. I am still a virgin and I plan to be one until I get married. Just like I waited until I was of legal age to go out drinking, it seemed more special that way.
After the advice given here and in messages, I figure I'll go on another date or two and if she mentions anything about it then I'll take it from there. I know she has had sex because her mother and father told me that they walked in on her one night.
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Mike, I respect your values and honesty. If you didn't see it, I snet you a PM.
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and most people who profess the whole "don't sleep together until marriage thing" are generally hypocrites who also decry the use of birth control.
And how do you arrive at that conclusion? ???
Haha, just like anyone does––a mixture of education and personal experience!
I don't want to distract this thread from its purpose (Mike's values) which we've now learned come from personal convictions and not inherited religious beliefs––something that, as an atheist, I especially respect.
I can state that of the myriad friends and acquaintences I've had in my life, I've only met ONE person (also a man) who happened to feel that sex should wait until after marriage and that belief was not connected to larger religious beliefs.
Personally, I don't think it's the best thing to do, because I think, as long as someone engages in safe, consensual sex, there's nothing wrong with it. You have fun, learn how to be better at sex, etc, until the day that you meet "the one."
"The one" might be the first person you have sex with (if you're lucky!). Or it might be the third, fourth, etc. Who knows?
But that's a thing that is a "to each his own." Like everything this site advocates, personal choice is key.
The critical part is not judging this woman for her own personal choices, unless Mike thinks it will negatively impact his respect/compatibility with this woman.
The first thing I would do in such a situation would be to say, "don't sweat it," it's normal. It is unlikely as Mike ages that he's going to meet someone who holds his same beliefs (is a virgin waiting until marriage) and also doesn't carry the baggage of some extreme religious beliefs as well.
But if it really is an issue for Mike, it's a can of worms waiting to open that should be left alone before it progresses.
To answer Razor's question:
Very public scandals have erupted from conservative public figures who supposedly hold the belief that sex should wait until after marriage. A prime example is Sarah Palin's family. Supposedly their religious beliefs preclude sex before marriage and they have campaigned politically on the issue. Yet two of her children have had sex out of wedlock AND become pregnant out of wedlock, something their beliefs forbid. And some have got divorced.
I don't want to get too political here, as that is not what this thread is about, so I'll leave it at that.
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Mike, you are not alone in thinking sex should wait until marriage but, most people do not marry at a very young age these days. It was much easier to retain your virginity when you expected to marry soon after leaving high school. Now, when so many of us delay marriage to establish our careers or to mature a little more, its less likely that even if we retained our virginity, that our prospective spouse would still be a virgin. I fell in love with my wife the first time I met her though it would take nine years before we would start dating. During those nine years, she had a failed relationship resulting in a child whom I adopted when we finally married when we married fourteen years after first meeting.
Obviously, my wife was not a virgin when married but she has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Technically, I was not a virgin when we married but only because we had sex once we had decided we were going to marry and share our lives together. And yes, I was the original 40 year old virgin!
Mike, don't get hung up on what this young lady might have done in her past, we all have pasts. If you have feelings for her you owe it to yourself to explore any possibilities to be happy now and in the future.
Jim
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I figure I'll go on another date or two and if she mentions anything about it then I'll take it from there.
If it is really important to you.. don't wait for her to bring it up. Either bring it up yourself or steer the conversation heavily in that direction. It has to get out on the table so you can talk it over together. If something is bothering you from the beginning, it will not go away. (This could be about sex or anything else). If she has the same religious convictions you do, then she will want to explain her actions and be able to move past this... forgiven and forgotten about... That is the purpose of dating... to get to know each other and figure if you are compatible for the long haul.
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To answer Razor's question:
Very public scandals have erupted from conservative public figures who supposedly hold the belief that sex should wait until after marriage. A prime example is Sarah Palin's family. Supposedly their religious beliefs preclude sex before marriage and they have campaigned politically on the issue. Yet two of her children have had sex out of wedlock AND become pregnant out of wedlock, something their beliefs forbid. And some have got divorced.
I don't want to get too political here, as that is not what this thread is about, so I'll leave it at that.
I'm afraid I can't think of a single example of a conservative public figure who was both (a) on the record as being against premarital sex and (b) involved in a sex scandal. Sarah Palin has not been involved in a sex scandal and that fact that her daughter had a child out of wedlock is not an example of a sex scandal. Her daughter is not a public figure and the fact that she may not have lived up to the values that you presume she was taught doesn't make it one.
Your original comment, that I took exception to was:
"and most people who profess the whole "don't sleep together until marriage thing" are generally hypocrites who also decry the use of birth control."
It doesn't necessarily follow that people who are against premarital sex are also against birth control. And holding either or both positions doesn't make them hypcocrites, unless they say one thing and do another. You have no way of knowing whether "most people" are sincere in their beliefs or not. You are simply making assumptions based on your own biases.
"The critical part is not judging this woman for her own personal choices, unless Mike thinks it will negatively impact his respect/compatibility with this woman."
Interesting how you've advised Mike not to judge this young woman for her choices, yet you've done precisely that with respect to those who have a different viewpoint than you do. Now, that's hypocrisy.
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Razor, I agree.
I think it is doesn't make since to point out the mistakes of Sarah Palin's daughter and pin them on Sarah. Even if Sarah were the one who made that mistake instead of her daughter, it doesn't make her a hypocrite in my opinion... it just means she made a mistake. For her to be a hypocrite, she would have to be repeatedly doing one thing and saying another....
I forgot to mention before that I am shocked that this girl's parents discussed her "virginity status" with anyone.. especially a potential boyfriend. That is not their place at all, and highly irregular.
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I'm afraid I can't think of a single example of a conservative public figure who was both (a) on the record as being against premarital sex and (b) involved in a sex scandal.
Sarah Palin has not been involved in a sex scandal and that fact that her daughter had a child out of wedlock is not an example of a sex scandal. Her daughter is not a public figure...
A dubious source perhaps, but there is likelihood that Sarah Palin has indeed been involved in a sex scandal of her own:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2037211/Sarah-Palin-took-cocaine-affairs-Glen-Rice-husbands-business-partner.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2037211/Sarah-Palin-took-cocaine-affairs-Glen-Rice-husbands-business-partner.html)
When Sarah Palin became a public figure her family became public figures by extension.
Sarah Palin campaigned on her family being a prime example of her values...and then...
And you only need to look a couple years back to see her daughter AND boyfriend plastered over all kinds of tabloids. They are now public figures, ignominious or otherwise.
It doesn't necessarily follow that people who are against premarital sex are also against birth control.
The reasoning behind religious "wait until after marriage" is just that. You don't use birth control because sex isn't meant to be a pleasurable act, but an act of copulation, of reproduction.
In that logic it is totally reasonable to assume a religious link if you happen to run into someone who opposes sex before marriage––especially if you live in America where we have a very vocal, Christian religious community that purports these values.
Interesting how you've advised Mike not to judge this young woman for her choices, yet you've done precisely that with respect to those who have a different viewpoint than you do. Now, that's hypocrisy.
Hahaha! If we play the "you're a hypocrite!" game eventually everyone is going to be hypocritical about something!
I can see Razor, however, why you would point to my statement as being hypocritical, so let me fill in the background on how I made that argument:
I've reached my point from the synthesis and absorption of the news and education I've received.
Sarah Palin's daughter IS a public figure.
Conservative public figures have been involved in sex or hypocrisy scandals.
Some preachers have come out blasting homosexuality, only for it to be discovered that they are secretly gay themselves.
Other religious figures have preached the gospel and secretly molested children.
These crimes or scandals aren't worse than those committed by those who have no religion.
What makes these people hypocrites, however, is that they so publicly exhibit these values, and then it is discovered that they do otherwise.
And in that way, it's not hypocritical for someone like me to demand them to own up to their chosen values––if you choose not to have sex before marriage, do so and stick to it.
Don't publicly state that's what you're about, secretly do otherwise, and then only own up to it later after you've been caught.
If you choose to take your decided high road, the onus is on you to live by it––especially if you make it part of your public identity.
And if you hold such rigid viewpoints, and profess them onto others, attempt to convert others, expect to be judged by those same others who do not hold such viewpoints when you are acting contrary to your values.
Expect to be called out about it if you say one thing and do another, especially when you supposedly subscribe to a belief in a higher power.
^^To be as clear as I can, this is where my statement equating "no sex before marriage beliefs" and "hypocrites" comes from––it is a hypothesis arrived at by my education (college, graduate studies) as well as reading the news.
And as to my hypocrisy, well, my statement perhaps could have been better phrased, but I stand by the fact that MOST people I've encountered in the news and in my personal life who happen to hold such beliefs also happen to not follow them, making their actions hypocritical. I didn't just throw the statement out there.
And why this tickles me is because this discussion feels as if it has become a judgment of this woman solely because she has had multiple relationships that involved sexual intercourse, but does not appear to subscribe to any values that preclude such normal, healthy activities.
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Sorry Ben.... you have too many assumptions, in my opinion, for your arguments to be valid. Also, your opinions are based on your life experiences liiving in a major City. Get away from the cities and attitudes change.
I laughed out loud when I read this, that you wrote:
When Sarah Palin became a public figure her family became public figures by extension.
With this line of thinking, if my Father were a criminal I would be a criminal. Laughable at best.
I will say that once all of the Palins went on TV they became public figures.
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Strange thread.
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And why this tickles me is because this discussion feels as if it has become a judgment of this woman solely because she has had multiple relationships that involved sexual intercourse, but does not appear to subscribe to any values that preclude such normal, healthy activities.
Hopefully you are talking about a different girl than the one this thread is about...
Here is what was originally said..."Well, I heard through the grape vine that she has lost her virginity a few years back. Is it bad that it changes me view of her? I know she hasn't gone out sleeping around but it has still altered the way I see her."
***If this is who you were referring to above, she has gone from not sleeping around to being with multiple partners...
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It seems like everything is going for this to happen, except the motivation. Don't expect the woman to do the work! Be the MAN! Either you want to be in a relationship with her or not, but don't string her around. Either full and ask her out for a real date or keep it platonic.
And with that said, if things don't work out, she'll at least respect you for having the courage to really ask her out.
AMEN! Dude you hit the friggin nail on the head!!!!!!!
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Our schedules didn't match up this past week but next Tuesday we're going to a BBQ place.
I don't know if it is just me being me or if others can see my point of view on this. I am one of the few people left it seems that believes that sex should wait until after marriage. Well, I heard through the grape vine that she has lost her virginity a few years back. Is it bad that it changes me view of her? I know she hasn't gone out sleeping around but it has still altered the way I see her
Mike,
As a lady and a Christian who values sexual purity at this time in my life, I can say that if I met a man who had not waited but who had repented of this sin to God and walked away from it, I probably would be ok with it. I was not always so protective of the gift of purity in my life and it took some sinning followed by the Holy Spirit's conviction in my heart of that sin, followed by the decision either to continue the relationship with the guy OR choose to follow God's Word and accept His plans to change my heart on this matter. The result, though unintended, is that I haven't dated in 10 years. Not willing to give my body and mind and emotions in a sexual manner to a man before marriage now. 99% of men (including Christian men) don't seem to be that patient. Anyways....God changes us through even our past sins and still works in us for His glory.
Granted, and I hope I'm not being too open here..., I believe I may have some leftover baggage from that long-time-ago relationship which may come up in a marriage relationship, but I pray the man I marry (if I ever do) will be paitient and loving with me so that he will stand by me as we work it out. He will have other rough areas in his life that I will need to be patient with.
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Our schedules didn't match up this past week but next Tuesday we're going to a BBQ place.
I don't know if it is just me being me or if others can see my point of view on this. I am one of the few people left it seems that believes that sex should wait until after marriage. Well, I heard through the grape vine that she has lost her virginity a few years back. Is it bad that it changes me view of her? I know she hasn't gone out sleeping around but it has still altered the way I see her
Mike,
As a lady and a Christian who values sexual purity at this time in my life, I can say that if I met a man who had not waited but who had repented of this sin to God and walked away from it, I probably would be ok with it. I was not always so protective of the gift of purity in my life and it took some sinning followed by the Holy Spirit's conviction in my heart of that sin, followed by the decision either to continue the relationship with the guy OR choose to follow God's Word and accept His plans to change my heart on this matter. The result, though unintended, is that I haven't dated in 10 years. Not willing to give my body and mind and emotions in a sexual manner to a man before marriage now. 99% of men (including Christian men) don't seem to be that patient. Anyways....God changes us through even our past sins and still works in us for His glory.
Granted, and I hope I'm not being too open here..., I believe I may have some leftover baggage from that long-time-ago relationship which may come up in a marriage relationship, but I pray the man I marry (if I ever do) will be paitient and loving with me so that he will stand by me as we work it out. He will have other rough areas in his life that I will need to be patient with.
O0 I am the kind of person that dates for a potential spouse, I don't see any point in dating 'for fun'. She has all the things I look for, other than the one little issue. I am happy where I'm at in life right now and I still feel that I don't need anyone in my life but I feel drawn to her for some reason. My excuse before is that I never have time but she only lives 10 miles away and our paths cross often so it seems like it might work. I also believe that I don't need to go out searching for someone, the right one will be provided in time, if there is a right one. I have only ever been in 1 real relationship before. We started dating when I was 17, she lived right across the field from us, we had similar interests, same classes at school, all that fun stuff. Well, I had to work on the valentines day dance, she said she was just going to stay home but I found out that she went with a different guy anyway then lied about it when everyone else (friends/teachers/family) told me who she went with. Well, she ended up pregnant after spending some time with him. After I found out she went on a date with him at the dance, I stopped talking to her for a couple weeks, then we started talking in class and after a bit she told me she was pregnant. I told her I knew she wasn't self cloning and left her. She had an abortion part way through the pregnancy and her and I stopped talking until last year, it'll never be the same between us again and I do fear that it will happen with this girl too.
I'll try to read over the rest of the posts tomorrow, just popping in before bed and saw the last post there. On my work days, I am up at 4:30 am to get chores done before work, then I work all day and don't get done with chores and everything and make it to bed before 11:30 most nights so for the most part I run on 4-5 hours a sleep per night. As I type this, I am eating dinner before finishing chores, oh the joys of being a farmer and working a retail job at the same time....