Sly Bald Guys Forum
Discussions About Being Bald => Advantages and Disadvantages to being Bald => Topic started by: bella on January 30, 2013, 08:34:51 PM
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As much as I pride myself on being a confident slyette, and as much as I love the sly and feel better about myself...
I just found out my mother's having a family reunion in late March and I feel sick to my stomach about what to do w/ my hair for this event.
My mother's family, and the event, is in Dallas and they are all big, loud mouthed Southerners ;D Needless to say, they are not going to be okay with the sly look on me. AT ALL. They're already very critical of me because I was the primary breadwinner in my marriage and because I initiated my divorce, and because I don't have any babies yet at 30. In a word, TRADITIONAL.
Sly + Texan Traditional = one terrified Bella!
My mom and one of my aunts will have my back, but I'm honestly so nervous about this that I even skipped shaving tonight.
ACK! Why are families so complicated?!
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Why?
Just my opinion but because they are "family" they don't feel the need to be courteous to other family members (though being courteous to the general public seems to be on the wane).
And, again, because they are family we tend to give them much more control over our own emotions and self-esteem. 'cause they only wants what is best for us. Right? Not.
Still, I totally understand your angst.
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If they're 'already very critical' of you then you have little to lose.
As you said yourself so eloquently in another of your posts 'If I like it and it doesn't hurt you then f*** you."
You took control of how you wanted to look -- it would be a pity to abrogate that control to others now -- especially a bunch of 'loud-mouth southerners'.
You might be surprised at how accepting they are when they realise that you are completely comfortable bald.
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Bella,
Sorry to hear its giving you that much grief :(
I hope you can reconcile with yourself before then.
X
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You guys are great, and correct that this is 95% existing baggage that has nothing to do with me being sly or not, but them just liking to pick on me.
My mom and aforementioned aunt are the two success stories of the family and so my cousin and I were raised in comparable luxury (private schools, both went to college, had careers straightaway) whereas the rest of the siblings in the family were not so successful. One of my dear aunties is an active heroin addict and the only way her kids got through school and had food in their bellies was by direct intervention by me, my aunt, my mom and my cousin slipping them grocery and textbook money surreptitiously over the years. It got bad enough that my supportive aunt ended up adopting the youngest son when he was about 15 and sending him to boarding school in California to him get away from his parents and make sure he had a decent education and enough food.
And I let these people judge me??!? I could be a nobel prize winner and they'd have something crap to say to me. Thank you, Gary, for reminding me of the mantra "If it makes me happy and doesn't hurt you, eff off :)".
Most of the toxicity comes from the first generation (my mom and aunt's bros & sisters) because my grandparents were some seriously effed up people. I could care less if my uncle calls me a lesbian or my heroin addict aunt insults my personal style, for God's sake.
I am 15 years younger than my nearest cousin but most of my cousins and my cousins' kids are genuinely good people, if not a little sheltered. It will do them good to meet a confident single 30-yo slyette!
:)
Just need to keep telling myself this!
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Bella, being a good role model is one of the ways we can give to others and empower them to break free.
You're definitely on the right track.
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Bella. I understand your fears.
I am a teenager. Which makes being sly complicated.
You being a women makes it a hell of a lot harder to pull it off. Just remember you deserve a lot of respect for being a sly women. I think you should just remember people will get used to it, and after a while it wont be so bad.
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just remember people will get used to it, and after a while it wont be so bad.
and do you really care about the people who don't get used to it?
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Too true. You guys are right, of course: just because we share some genes and they happen to live in the South doesn't mean I should let anyone's opinion frighten me into changing who I am.
If they can't handle me bald and happy who needs em?
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Bella, you have it in you, or you would have never gone Sly. Just remember that. Hold your head up high... as you mentioned earlier, you have had a positive role in helping others in your family with their struggles. You are not some "dead-beat" chick trying to find her way... you are a confident woman who is taking charge of her life.. (this outward expression of shaving your head is a physical way for others to see what is inside you.. if they don't already know).
Family will always be critical...(loudly, in some cases)... but they will love you anyway, and will accept it with time. My sister has never wanted to fit a traditional mold either, and I love her for it (I love her for being herself). You look beautiful Sly. Your eyes are beaming and your smile is contagious... just own the look like only you can! -and don't apologize for being yourself.
We are behind you all the way, Sister Sly!
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Find something better to do in late March. The beaches in Florida are quite nice that time of year......
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Bella, Good luck on your family reunion. Remember that we support you all the way.
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Ooohh now I want to change my username to Sister Sly! :D
Thank you for all your support and encouragement. My posture is back up and I feel sorry that I look so much better sly than my poor uncle does with his rug ;D
If I do decide to go (probably obligated to) I will be a great role model for the wee ones and my older relatives will learn that little Bella has a sharp tongue and knows who she is, now, so they can choose to enjoy me being me or try unsuccessfully to pick a fight.
I'll probably need a few more butt kicks as the reunion approaches but thanks so much guys!
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Sister sly, that is cool. Some now I feel like I am speaking to a nun. LOL But this will all be fine. They don't pay your bills and you owe them nothing. You are you , and you are happy in your own skin. ;) O0
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If you decide not to go, Hawaii's a nice place to visit. Nice weather and no one will even notice that you're sly. Good luck!
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And on a happier note just made up for yesterday's missed shave and I'm smooth, shiny, and happy as a clam. :D
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Find something better to do in late March. The beaches in Florida are quite nice that time of year......
I was thinking the same thing. However, the question in my mind right now is whether you have been around any of these people since you shaved your head? If not then the whole question of what criticism they'll have about your head is based on something else, not the shaved head. Maybe this is an old tape playing because some of these people were hyper-critical of you years ago. You are assuming that they will find any reason to criticize you at any turn including the new look at your family reunion.
I'm not saying that your assumption, in this case, is wrong. All the critical people I've known are almost always critical. If not of me then something else. I think that it's an effort to feel in control in a world that may be totally out of control for them. In any case I don't know that avoiding the reunion is going to accomplish anything positive in the long run.
If you go to the reunion try to go there with a clear and relaxed mind rather than in anticipation of a conflict. Think of those people that you haven't seen in too long that you love and have really missed and of reconnecting with them. Be kind to all, even those who may be afflicted with negativity. Other people present will see that you had no interest in initiating conflict and the drama that will unfold will be interesting to watch from a discreet distance with detachment.
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If you decide not to go, Hawaii's a nice place to visit. Nice weather and no one will even notice that you're sly. Good luck!
Hmmm... Hawaii. That's gotta be tempting Bella.
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At the end of the day it's your head. We are all human beings it's natural we pass judgements. I have very little to do with my family as they very rarely have good to say.
At the end of the day people will comment more because you are a female and femininity is linked with hair, it's just the way it is. People won't always understand why you have done it, even I would say personally I am not a huge fan of women with shaved heads, so I can't really be a hyprocrite and say I can't see why they won't pass comment, it's just the way things are I guess, we as human beings do make judgements and decisions around what we think and feel :) It's not expected that a woman would want to shave their hair off, but if you like it and as it's your hair and head it's no one's business. Let the family talk if it's not you they are talking about it sounds like it will be someone else.
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And on a happier note just made up for yesterday's missed shave and I'm smooth, shiny, and happy as a clam. :D
Hi Bella: 1st of all welcome to the sly fraternity. Glad that ya joined us. I love your attitude. I have been super busy at work that I have not been as "active" on the boards. So... this is my 1st time meeting you.
Glad that you are "happy as a clam". That is how I feel after a relaxing DE face and dome shave. I hope you keep your avatar name of Bella. I like it. Also... I hope you keep your chrome dome for the upcoming reunion. Please keep us posted.
WARHAWK O0
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Thanks everyone for their thoughtful replies and encouragement! Work/life got too crazy to post much in depth.
Buddha your post especially made me think -- it certainly is old tapes playing, and it likely has 90% nothing to do with the specific issue of me shaving my head. Shaving my head is a timely scapegoat for everyone right now.
I am also thinking very seriously about not going. A close friend who lives a distance away suggested a roadtrip for the same week. O0
Still it's so easy to let some people get under your skin sometimes!
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A roadtrip sounds a heck of alot more fun bella :*)) family reunions unless they are all a bunch of drunks never have impressed me LOL !
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I don't think that skipping out on the family reunion is a good idea, it might be something you kick yourself for later.
I recently attended a family reunion of a sorts with my mum's side of the family. Believe me, I initially copped a fair bit of flack over my beard. probably a lot similar to what you are expecting to get from your bsly dome. After an hour or so, everyone had moved on. I did earn myself the nickname Muhammed for the weekend from a couple of my cousins, but I just wore the title and played along with it. The rest of the family after initial reactions just treated me as normal. I'd like to think you'd get a very similar treatment.
On a whole though I'm really glad I went, because I got to see many of my family members that I honestly haven't seen for as long as I can remember, and reminisce about the good old days. with the family members I actually enjoyed the company of, the ones I didn't really care for, I didn't spend much time with, other then to exchange pleasantries.
But at the end of the day, it is all down to you, but I think if you don't go you'll be missing out.
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Bella,
Come to think of it, I can remember my Grandmother saying negative things about my Mom's hair.. and my Mom saying negative things about my Sister's hair. My wife's Grandmother says negative things about her daughter's hair and about my wife's hair... -Let's face it, you could show up with a Farrah Fawcett (or Jacklyn Smith) hair-do and they would still have SOMETHING to say about it.. so do wtf you want. (Just don't show up with a Kate Jackson hair do, or they will have a right to say something...lol.
You would avoid stress by going on a trip instead of the reunion, but you would miss the chance to show off your new "do" and I think there is something important inside you that wants this to happen for whatever reason.
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Oh you guys make me too thoughtful! Both sides bring up excellent points.
I shall ponder while I enjoy being sly.
I think a big part of it will be telling my mom I went sly. She doesn't know, and she won't approve, but she will have my back.
Once I cross that hurdle I think I'll be in much better shape to judge how I can handle family reunions. I am 16 days in and sticking to my extemely tolerant crew of friends; haven't done much with the more conservative types.
Mom's reaction and her justification for supporting me will have a lot of impact on how I will/would experience this reunion. My mom will most likely insist that I am either trying to emulate a friend I had 17 years ago who shaved her head, or that I'm trying to upset the Catholic contingent of the family by being like Sinead O'Connor (too bad I can't sing). (Yes, really).
Families...sigh....
You guys are amazingly supportive, keep it coming as it comes to you!
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You're most welcome, we all know you'll make the right decision for yourself O0
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Bella, if you go, just have a good time....and don't entertain stupidity, let stupidity entertain you!
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just remember people will get used to it, and after a while it wont be so bad.
and do you really care about the people who don't get used to it?
Nope. I dont care what they think. My life, my choice.
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Sister sly, that is cool. Some now I feel like I am speaking to a nun. LOL ...
Hey, there's the answer! Go to the reunion as a nun! ;D Get one of those old-fashioned outfits where the fabric covers all of your head except your face, and has one of those huge cardboard bonnets with the long black robes. Carry a ruler or a stick with you and I guarantee nobody will give you any lip! :x!
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Go as a Theravadin Buddhist nun then you won't need the headgear.
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Hi Bella, I totally see where you're coming from on this one. My two cents: avoiding the reunion altogether doesn't sound like the best idea, if only because they will have to find out sometime! Might as well get it over and done with, lest they get back at you the next occasion knowing you've been hiding it from them.
It's true that the feedback we get from family is harder to dismiss or just brush aside, but one thing I've learnt is that if their disapproval stems out of true concern for you, if you talk to them and stand by your choices, they will eventually come round and accept them; on the other hand, if it's just narrow-mindedness on their part, it's simply not worth bothering with or being bothered by.
After all, it's your hair (or lack thereof ;)), your choice, your life and therefore, ultimately, no one else's business as Isleepinthebuff has already summed up. It's good that your mum will back you up; as for the less understanding members of your family, well, if they have a problem with it it's their problem, no need for it to become yours too, right?
Good luck and keep up the good fight :)
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Just to give everyone an update:
Reunion is next week and I'm not going, but only because I have some too-good-to-pass-up work opportunities and my 2 favorite cousins also cancelled out, so it really would have been an awkward time all around.
However, I updated my Facebook profile page as a way of telling the entire family I went sly (and texted a pic to my mom, who is one of the few not on FB). It went over surprisingly well! Lots of silence, which is fine by me, but a few likes and even a few positive comments!
My mom keeps calling it "that haircut" when I talk to her (as in "how does your boyfriend like that haircut? isn't that haircut cold?") but oh well, I'll give her room to adjust. She gleefully told me the other day that this is the first time since I was a baby my hair was shorter than hers so I think she's coming around.
Thanks for the support, everyone. While the FR point ended up being moot (which I am kind of disappointed about - getting everyone together would have been great, but I can't say no to work), I did get a lot of perspective from y'all about both being sly and family dynamics. This place rocks!
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On the plus side, she understands that it is a haircut, and not some for of cult conformation haha.
I'm glad she is coming around though, and that you've got some positive comments from the new you on facebook too!