Author Topic: I lost all my self confidence  (Read 31767 times)

Offline karmapolice

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I lost all my self confidence
« on: October 18, 2013, 05:02:13 PM »
Hello, I am new here. I found a video on youtube which brought me here. I hope that this is the right thread. Please help me. I know it's a long text but I don't know what to do.

I am getting bald since I was 16 (I am now 29) and people can see it now very clear, in fact since 4 years it is very obvious. It's mostly on the top of my head from front to back. I really feel so bad about it, my self esteem went totally down and I can't be happy anymore.

In my youth I was a happy person, enjoyed life, could talk and laugh with girls and I thought that I can survive in this world, that I am strong and nobody could beat me. I was really self confident and I found my self attractive. And many girls found me attractive. I had never problems to meet a girl, to speak to hear, to make hear laugh and I felt great. When I started to go bald and it was not so visible in the beginning, I could hide it and had still most of my self esteem and self confidence. But I knew that I will later suffer which I do. I really feel that it's all over.

I can't even watch girls or women any longer in the eyes. When I am on my way to the university in the train or bus, I can't sit next to or in front of a girl. I feel like I am so ugly that I can't expect her to bear my look. I can't talk to them because I feel not worthy because of my lost hair. I really miss the days when I had a girl friend, had a fulfilled sex life, could joke with for example the sales girl or the person next to me in the bus. But no longer. It's like I don't have the right to talk to beautiful persons any longer because I don't belong to their world. My last relationship is 3 years ago. In the last 3 years I had no sex. I don't even want to go to prostitutes because I feel it's an impertinence for them to sleep with such a person with hair loss. It will probably sound crazy for you and when I was 16,17 I would have laughed if somebody told me that I would become the person I am today. It's so sad.

I became really depressive because of it, I feel lonely but I don't know what to do against it. I feel that every girl or woman likes full hair on a man's head, they want to go with their fingers through their hair and not through the "bird's nest" on my head. Please don't think that I am superficial. I never cared about the look of a person but always their character and behaving. I would never judge somebody because of their look. Never! But I feel like we are living in such a world, in such a society where beautiful people have better chances in life. I really would like that hair loss matters nothing to anybody but I feel that it's not the case. 2 years ago I didn't wear any caps and I had the feeling that everybody looks on my hair, my head and can see it.

It went so far that I stared the people all the time in the eyes, just waiting that their pupils go up. I never could spot them how they watch at my hair but I continued to think that they would look when I am not watching them in the eyes. I'm aware too that women like self confident men but I don't have it any more. I go through the streets with my head down, I wear now caps all the time, no matter if it's summer or winter because I am so embarressed by the "thing on my head".

I just hide it all the time. It's the only way for me to go out of my house. Otherwise I would be all the time at home. It's so embarrassing to write about it, I don't know if I had the strength and courage to tell somebody this face to face. Often I think maybe it's better that I never meet somebody again and have a family because then my bad genes would die off with me.

A hair transplantation would never be a solution for me. I feel it's like cheating on mother nature. I would fear that people could see it and it's embarrassing that my friends and family would know that I suffer so much that I had to do this. This would never be an option for me.

My ex-girlfriend saw that I was going bald and said to me that I should be lucky to have her because when I were bald no girl would want me because bald men are ugly. One of my friends told me once when I wanted to date a girl that I should always keep my head up so that she wouldn't see my bald spots. Otherwise this could scare her. Another friend told me that almost no girl likes bald men, only if they are rich like Bruce Willis.

It's so frustrating that this one thing has to ruin my whole life.  I really don't know how to get my self esteem, my self confidence back and how accept it. How can I "forget" this problem and say to the world "**** off if you have a problem with my hair loss". How can you be so confident with a shaved head? What are your secrets? I would be really thankfull if anybody could write how to become confident with the situation. Thank you.

Sorry if there are spelling or grammatic errors. I had English in school but I mostly speak German.



Offline Mike E. P.

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2013, 08:28:01 PM »
Karma police-
I was a lot like you.  When I was in my teens, girls thought my best feature was my hair.  I had a lot of blond, Zak Efron-like hair.  I started to recede at 17 and for many years I was extremely depressed about losing my hair – it was all I could think about some times.  It was torture.

Like you I could disguise it for a while, but eventually I would drive myself crazy wondering if people could tell.  And like you, I had a really hard time looking people in the eye.  I especially had a hard time looking at my girlfriend – I don’t know why.  I think I felt like I wasn’t worthy or if I looked her in the eye I would see some sort of truth or she would.  I don’t know, it was just crazy.

You said that you would not judge a person by their looks and that you are not superficial.  I have found that most people are like you and look beyond looks.  That girlfriend you had was not worthy of you.  And it is not true that most women find bald men unattractive.  In my experience, most women want to find a man that is kind and good and who treats them with respect.
I am now 50 years old.  By about 35, I had had enough of the so consuming bullsh_t of worrying about my hair. I had a big bald spot in the back and had receded a lot and was very thin in the front. I didn’t like the way I looked and so I buzzed it extremely short(we called it a crew cut then).  Most of my friends had to take time to get used to it, but it was the best thing I ever did.  I felt better and didn’t have to worry about arranging my hair to look like I had more.  As the years have passed, I have lost more and more hair, but I kept cutting my hair shorter and shorter. Now I am almost always completely shaven or close.  I like the way I look and so does almost everyone.

Everyone says, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?” I say the same thing.  When I shaved my head and accepted myself, I gained more confidence, liked myself again, and found that no one really cared about my hair.  When you have that confidence, making friends and finding love is not an issue.
I waited way too long to do something, but in the end, this is no longer an issue for me and this can be you.  I hope you don’t wait as long as I did to accept yourself and find that confidence.
Bronx bald and bred!

Offline slymyke

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2013, 09:15:51 PM »
Karmapolice,

Thank you for your honest post.  Going bald is not something any man wants to deal with.  However, many of us have to.  You have come to the right place to get support from other guys like yourself.  

I can only say that my confidence was so much improved when I shaved my head.  If you think about it, your confidence will have to be better with a shaved head than with a balding head.  Shaving is more intentional, so it gives the impression that you are taking control.  The most important person to realize that you are in control is YOU!   Nobody else really cares as much about our balding as we think they do.  A few people may have made some nasty comments to you, but don't let that get you down.  There are always going to be people who tell others mean things.  Even the most handsome men have jealous people telling them things just to make them doubt themselves.  

When you are in control, you will be more confident.  
« Last Edit: October 18, 2013, 09:49:04 PM by slymyke »

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Re: Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2013, 09:39:42 PM »
You say you would never judge someone by appearance and you think that is wrong to do.  Do you think you are the only person who believes this is true?  No, most people feel as you do.  So what you are doing is just negative self talk. 

The thing your ex girlfriend said to you was humiliating and meant to make you feel small.  She thought she controlled you with that statement.  You were not lucky to have her though because you could find a much better person than someone who would say this to you.

Offline Razor X

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2013, 10:21:16 PM »
I think you'll find -- as most of us have -- that being bald is a lot better than baldING.  The constantly changing appearance can be startling and Mother Nature usually makes a sloppy job of it. But once your hair is gone and your look stabilizes, things get a lot easier. Hang in there.

Offline geeman

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« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2013, 12:11:33 AM »
Some great advice given, as usual. We all experience negative thoughts at some point, it can be easier to withdraw than to face up to the harsh reality that is called life, a few years ago, I went through a rough patch, not bald related, and started shutting off to everything.... my brother in law, now deceased, came to see me and after I rambled on about life etc and how I was feeling, he simply asked "and how is that working out for you?" That made me think long and hard...you get one shot at this...if I wanted to be happier, I had to make that choice...yes its more complicated than that. . but then again....its not complicated at all....I hope you get there, just keep going

Offline karmapolice

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2013, 04:47:01 AM »
Thank you all for your posts and advices. I would like to go bald because it's frustrating to look every day in the mirror from different angles and look how much is gone today. Did you experience that people often look at you in a certain way? I'm afraid too that when I would talk to a girl while being bald I could never show her that I'm an interesting person because it would be too soon over, when she sees my bald head. When I look around I see all the happy couples and most men of them have beautiful hair.
In Germany bald men are often connected with Nazis or racist skinheads. I'm totally against them and don't want anybody to think that I'm a Nazi, so I would have to deal with that "problem" too.

Offline DanO

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #7 on: October 19, 2013, 05:17:17 AM »
I can't speak for what it is like in Germany, but having a shaved head is much more "normal" than it was ten years ago.

As far as I know most people (in the UK at least) don't make the skinhead / neo-nazi association these days.

Offline baldjoeg

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2013, 10:34:48 AM »
Karma police,

Hang in there. Things will get better for you.

Great advice given as usual by the guys. I am sure you will like it once you go sly. It sure made a great difference for me. I accept it and I like it. You are not alone in the way that you feel.

Take care.

I wish you all the best.

Offline slymyke

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2013, 10:40:27 AM »
Thank you all for your posts and advices. I would like to go bald because it's frustrating to look every day in the mirror from different angles and look how much is gone today. Did you experience that people often look at you in a certain way? I'm afraid too that when I would talk to a girl while being bald I could never show her that I'm an interesting person because it would be too soon over, when she sees my bald head. When I look around I see all the happy couples and most men of them have beautiful hair.
In Germany bald men are often connected with Nazis or racist skinheads. I'm totally against them and don't want anybody to think that I'm a Nazi, so I would have to deal with that "problem" too.

I've only been to Germany once, and I don't know the dynamics of the Nazi culture.  I'm thinking it may be harder to by sly there, but I'm also imagining that there are ways you can differentiate yourself from the Skinhead types.  I would think that they would not dress the same, and would not have a friendly disposition.  I think people would be able to tell that you are not one of them. 

I think there used to be negative vibes here in America towards those who had shaved heads. That has seemed to go away.  Usually we are far behind Europe in everything.  Hopefully this is true for having a shaved head as well. 
« Last Edit: October 19, 2013, 10:48:41 AM by slymyke »

isleepinthebuff

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2013, 12:38:55 PM »
On a totally separate vein.  Karmapolice might actually be my favourite forum name.

Welcome!

Offline Thai boy

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #11 on: October 19, 2013, 07:20:46 PM »
Karmapolice

Welcome to the forum from another newbie.

I really empathise with you and as usual excellent supportive comments from the guys on here.  I am new to the forum and have only shaved my head for two weeks.  I am 52 this year and wish now I had done it years ago.  I am happily married so have not had to go through the torment that you have expressed in regards to your thoughts and the opposite sex.  I noticed you are about to embark upon your thirties.  In my opinion and experience your perspective in regards to your hair and the torment you have to experience every time you look in a mirror will not change until you take control of the situation. Maybe by writing on here is a good indication that the time has come for you to take some action.  What a great chance to enter into your thirties with a new style and I am sure a major boost in your confidence. In regards to noticing other couples I use to think the same but now I am sly I seem to notice all the nice looking girls are with the sly guys.  I think this is more of a perception than a fact.  It's amazing  how controlling our minds can be especially in regards to issues connected to low self esteem or lack of self worth.

You asked where do sly guys get their confidence from.  I personally believe it is because we have taken control of our thinning hair.  We are no longer 'slaves' to having to constantly look in the mirror, adjusting what little hair we have or having to hide ourselves away from others. Confidence comes from within and taking control of any situation in our lives

Hope you manage to find the answers to your questions and take the best step forward for yourself.

Good luck my friend

Offline karmapolice

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #12 on: October 20, 2013, 08:45:45 AM »
In Germany more and more Nazis go to the university, study law and have "normal" hair cuts. They want to shift away from the "aggressive" and "primitive", violent behaviour to get more people. But still most "normal" people here connect bald SHAVED heads with Nazis. But I think you're right, Slymike, a nice smile, the right clothes (Nazis with shaved heads wear often products from certain brands like "Thor Steinar") and friendly behaviour (to all nationalities) will show that I don't belong to this group of human garbage (sry, but I hate Nazis).

I think you are all right. I have to shave my head to free myself. Friends and family members already ask me why I wear hats all the time and it's so embarrassing to tell the truth so I lie. I feel bad then because I know they already know the truth and just don't want to hurt my feelings, so they pretend to believe me. I started to work out a few months ago to feel better and get some of my self confidence back. First and foremost I want to like myself again. It must be a great feeling not to think about the light in a room and how much of the skin on my head is visible. I can't even remember how it was to be free from such fears. I hope that one day I can laugh about my current behaviour...

I think this is a great site with a great forum. It's sad that we live in a world where the media want to dictate us what kind of men are attractive (namely the ones with full hair) and the men with little or no self confidence need some kind of support. It's great not only to have people here who suffer from the same problem but to have strong personalities who went through all the pain and suffering I did and to give advice and moral support. It's good to know that I'm not alone and that other people have or had the same fears and concerns. I would like to stay on this forum, read more posts and maybe soon write about positive changes in my life. Thanks to all of you, thank you very, very much!
« Last Edit: October 20, 2013, 08:48:28 AM by karmapolice »

Offline slymyke

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #13 on: October 20, 2013, 09:33:19 AM »
Feel free to stay on this forum and add comments when you feel led to (you don't have to be sly yet)... Just the fact that you are considering going sly is what brings you here.  As you can tell, this group is accepting of all.  Yes, we promote shaved heads because we know the freedom it has given us personally, but we also know that it is a personal decision that can only happen when you are ready.  That moment is different for each of us. 

Offline Magoo

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Re: I lost all my self confidence
« Reply #14 on: October 20, 2013, 10:16:11 AM »
Karmapolice,you sound so down on yourself.I don't think you would have the confidence to shave your head.Sometimes the best advice is to get professional help. I don't mean this in any derogatory way , but only as away to help.
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