Suicidal after hair transplant

[Alexx1980]

Hi all

Another ht horror story. I am 37 and did a transplant in turkey in 2014 after a sales rep told me everything I wanted to hear. I was a recovering addict with 7 years clean. I have always struggled with low level anxiety and lingering depression. I was working as a counselor in a rehab, really loved my life. I was in a relationship with amwonderful woman, had been a confident young man with amlot of hopes and dreams.

All of that and so much more vanished after I did the transplant. Over a period of 9 months I became increasingly sick. I developed severe anxiety and major depression, and after 9 months I had to be hospitalised because I developed severe agoraphobia and chronic insomnia!

Lots of meds and tons of therapy and 3 years later I have never been the same.

I relapsed into heavy drug use, injecting heroin and cocaine. I ended up homeless.

Thanks to my parents financial support i have been in rehab for the past 9 months and am back in London celebrating Xmas with family who love me so much.

However, every day I live with regret, shame and severe anxiety. I struggle to look in mirrors, go to social events and public places. I refuse pictures to be taken of me, hooking up with a girl is out of the questions.

I do not want to relapsed into drug use but I am tormented and every day consider ending it all. This is no way to live. I am exhausted, living with constant fear. I am not half the man I used to be.

I will post a picture. I wish I had come across this website earlier and had not been so stupid and naive.

Being back with family, I argue a lot with my parents. My mom is devastated, has been traumatized by the past three years with my active drug use. It's all devastating, and no one seems to understand, think I am just this vain motherf_____.

It will be tough but after reading several posts of people who have had similar experiences I am considering shaving it all off. Any advixe, suggestion, support welcome.

Alex

[Dragon]

Welcome, we are here to help and support our friends and not to judge.  it sounds as if you have been through a really bad time but you are on the up so that is great news.  The pictures show coverage but it does look thin.  If you are unhappy with how it looks then you can either buzz it shorter which may result in the thinning not being as noticeable but alternatively you can shave it off.  Shaving is a way to take control of the situation, its an active choice that you can make, rather than what nature has dealt you.  If you dont like it, then the hair will grow back. However be aware that you will look different from what you ever have before and that does take a little bit of getting used to, so dont immediately make your mind up, hence the 30 day rule. Good luck and as i said at the start welcome to the group, we look forward to hearing from you.

[underorbit]

Welcome, Alex!

I don't think your hair is so bad as is. But I DO think you would absolutely CRUSH the bald look. The shape of your head and your facial features look like they were specifically made for it. I'm not kidding. Give it a shot; if you prefer your hair it'll come back eventually. Once you've gone through with it, stick with it for 30 days minimum so you can let your brain get used to the new look before you decide for sure that you hate it (the "30 day rule"). You may not need that long, I didn't, but it's good advice nonetheless. My confidence shot through the roof after I did it. I hope it helps you, too.

If you've got scars from the transplant, don't obsess over them. YOU will definitely see them. Others won't, and if they do, they won't care. Honestly. And if they do care, they're paying way too much attention to your head. Full stop. Same goes for any other imperfections up there...we've all got those, and we still look good.

You're still here. You have not in fact ended it all, and making it this far took guts and strength you may not realize you have. Don't underestimate yourself. You have the tools and the determination at your disposal to take your life back. Remember that everyone around you who looks like they have it all together is struggling with their own demons, too, because we all are. We hide it because that's what society requires of us. The ones who look the most put-together are the ones who, beneath the surface, are just about ready to fall apart; they just have more skill in faking it. As cliche as it sounds, you're not alone. Hang in there.

[slybeard]

Sorry for what you have been going through.  A shaved head would look good on you and it is your choice what to do.  However, do not expect that a shaved head alone will solve you problems.  Continue with your treatments and recovery.

[Sir Harry]

Welcome, Alex!

You seem like a nice guy. Sorry that you're going through so much. If you want to try shaving, go for it, but please hang in there. You have great family support, and you still are young enough to turn it all around. I will pray for you and if you want to just talk on the side, feel free to PM me. It's going to be all right in the end just keep working.

[Alexx1980]

Thank you all for your response

I will try buzzing it all off. Guys, you won't believe how negatively my life has been affected by this. By far the worst worst decision I made in my life, and that says something.

I was doing relatively well B4 I did the transplant. In hindsight I even liked the sly, shaven look.

After the procedure I developed severe phobia, social events gradually I started to avoid. Anxiety became uncontrollable, and as I feared my own mirror image shaving brushing my teeth and eventually even taking a shower, because I associated the bathroom with a place of fear became a problem.

I had always been a avid yoga and meditation practitioner, now I couldn't practice neither. I stopped going to the gym because of the mirrors in place.

I was a group facilitator at a rehab, always loved my job, gradually I got so sick that I could not perform at work anymore. I was hospitalised.

I had always been a active as member, was a sponsor to several men, but got so sick that I had to let them go.

I always placed a emphasis on looking good, wore fashionable clothes, regularly went out on retail therapy. Now, going out or buying my clothes was no longer a part of my life.

Social events, going out with friends, which I always had done, I no longer enjoyed but feared.

Constant rumination and regret around the transplant procedure and how it had affected me caused more and more fights to erupt between my girlfriend and I. Eventually I drove her away.

Going to the sauna or swimming I no longer felt I could do, because I thought my hair looked funny, the constant obsession with my hair line and fear that people would notice how fake I was.  The resentment towards myself became overwhelming.

Going on meditation or yoga retreats no longer a possibility because I was too sick. I lost my connection to my higher power and stopped going to aa meetings for first time in 15 years. 

I became obsessed with my transplant and possible repair options. 

I completely neglected my friends. I used to feel sexy about myself, felt attractive and fairly confident around the opposite sex, no longer. I did a lot of skateboarding and went clubbing from time to time, I felt like such a fraud and loser that I no longer went to skate park or nightclubs.

Airports, trains, busses, the tube became places of fear. Theatres, art galleries, dinner parties no more.

First i started to smoke cigarettes, all after I hadn't smoked for 5 years. A visit to Germany, I avoided friends and family.

As you see, my life completely fell apart. On holiday with girlfriend and family I did not want to go to go to restaurants, to the beach or themgym, all things I enjoyed so much in the past. My family became increasingly fed up with me. We started arguing more and more.  People said I was so vain, don't I know what real problems are?

I started to hate myself more and more. Eventually, after all this pain I relapsed into drug use. Now my life truly was over.

I went through so much loss, all it seems because of this bloody transplant. I know that I had a underlying condition that contributed to my reaction to the procedure. It's my own fault that I did not admit to myself and to the transplant agent that I had depression in the past. He did ask and probably would not have done the transplant if I had been honest.

I just spent Xmas with my family and I see what truly matters, but out in public with them I feel so terrible. I look scruffy and nothing like a part of the upper middle class family I come from.

I will shave or at least trim my hair short short.

A

[DoberDaddy]

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

You have come to a place where you will find very kind, and supportive people.

Good luck with whatever you chose to do with your hair. I do suggest buzzing, before shaving. Less traumatic. Also, I am personally biased towards the beard... but, it's a good accessory to a bald head.

Best,

DD

[Alexx1980]

Hi friends

And a happy new year. I have taken the plunge and simply shaved my hair off. The relief is overwhelming. I am so grateful to your suggestion.

Will keep you updated

[DoberDaddy]

Hi friends

And a happy new year. I have taken the plunge and simply shaved my hair off. The relief is overwhelming. I am so grateful to your suggestion.

Will keep you updated

Yay! Good for you. Show us photos when you have a chance.

Best for you in 2018!

[jimmythomas]

Hi friends

And a happy new year. I have taken the plunge and simply shaved my hair off. The relief is overwhelming. I am so grateful to your suggestion.

Will keep you updated

Great choice... I think it'll suit you a lot. Plus, you have great facial hair which you can experiment with to compliment the bald look.