Sly Bald Guys Forum
Confidence and Success => How to Build Confidence => Topic started by: karmapolice on October 18, 2013, 05:02:13 PM
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Hello, I am new here. I found a video on youtube which brought me here. I hope that this is the right thread. Please help me. I know it's a long text but I don't know what to do.
I am getting bald since I was 16 (I am now 29) and people can see it now very clear, in fact since 4 years it is very obvious. It's mostly on the top of my head from front to back. I really feel so bad about it, my self esteem went totally down and I can't be happy anymore.
In my youth I was a happy person, enjoyed life, could talk and laugh with girls and I thought that I can survive in this world, that I am strong and nobody could beat me. I was really self confident and I found my self attractive. And many girls found me attractive. I had never problems to meet a girl, to speak to hear, to make hear laugh and I felt great. When I started to go bald and it was not so visible in the beginning, I could hide it and had still most of my self esteem and self confidence. But I knew that I will later suffer which I do. I really feel that it's all over.
I can't even watch girls or women any longer in the eyes. When I am on my way to the university in the train or bus, I can't sit next to or in front of a girl. I feel like I am so ugly that I can't expect her to bear my look. I can't talk to them because I feel not worthy because of my lost hair. I really miss the days when I had a girl friend, had a fulfilled sex life, could joke with for example the sales girl or the person next to me in the bus. But no longer. It's like I don't have the right to talk to beautiful persons any longer because I don't belong to their world. My last relationship is 3 years ago. In the last 3 years I had no sex. I don't even want to go to prostitutes because I feel it's an impertinence for them to sleep with such a person with hair loss. It will probably sound crazy for you and when I was 16,17 I would have laughed if somebody told me that I would become the person I am today. It's so sad.
I became really depressive because of it, I feel lonely but I don't know what to do against it. I feel that every girl or woman likes full hair on a man's head, they want to go with their fingers through their hair and not through the "bird's nest" on my head. Please don't think that I am superficial. I never cared about the look of a person but always their character and behaving. I would never judge somebody because of their look. Never! But I feel like we are living in such a world, in such a society where beautiful people have better chances in life. I really would like that hair loss matters nothing to anybody but I feel that it's not the case. 2 years ago I didn't wear any caps and I had the feeling that everybody looks on my hair, my head and can see it.
It went so far that I stared the people all the time in the eyes, just waiting that their pupils go up. I never could spot them how they watch at my hair but I continued to think that they would look when I am not watching them in the eyes. I'm aware too that women like self confident men but I don't have it any more. I go through the streets with my head down, I wear now caps all the time, no matter if it's summer or winter because I am so embarressed by the "thing on my head".
I just hide it all the time. It's the only way for me to go out of my house. Otherwise I would be all the time at home. It's so embarrassing to write about it, I don't know if I had the strength and courage to tell somebody this face to face. Often I think maybe it's better that I never meet somebody again and have a family because then my bad genes would die off with me.
A hair transplantation would never be a solution for me. I feel it's like cheating on mother nature. I would fear that people could see it and it's embarrassing that my friends and family would know that I suffer so much that I had to do this. This would never be an option for me.
My ex-girlfriend saw that I was going bald and said to me that I should be lucky to have her because when I were bald no girl would want me because bald men are ugly. One of my friends told me once when I wanted to date a girl that I should always keep my head up so that she wouldn't see my bald spots. Otherwise this could scare her. Another friend told me that almost no girl likes bald men, only if they are rich like Bruce Willis.
It's so frustrating that this one thing has to ruin my whole life. I really don't know how to get my self esteem, my self confidence back and how accept it. How can I "forget" this problem and say to the world "**** off if you have a problem with my hair loss". How can you be so confident with a shaved head? What are your secrets? I would be really thankfull if anybody could write how to become confident with the situation. Thank you.
Sorry if there are spelling or grammatic errors. I had English in school but I mostly speak German.
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Karma police-
I was a lot like you. When I was in my teens, girls thought my best feature was my hair. I had a lot of blond, Zak Efron-like hair. I started to recede at 17 and for many years I was extremely depressed about losing my hair – it was all I could think about some times. It was torture.
Like you I could disguise it for a while, but eventually I would drive myself crazy wondering if people could tell. And like you, I had a really hard time looking people in the eye. I especially had a hard time looking at my girlfriend – I don’t know why. I think I felt like I wasn’t worthy or if I looked her in the eye I would see some sort of truth or she would. I don’t know, it was just crazy.
You said that you would not judge a person by their looks and that you are not superficial. I have found that most people are like you and look beyond looks. That girlfriend you had was not worthy of you. And it is not true that most women find bald men unattractive. In my experience, most women want to find a man that is kind and good and who treats them with respect.
I am now 50 years old. By about 35, I had had enough of the so consuming bullsh_t of worrying about my hair. I had a big bald spot in the back and had receded a lot and was very thin in the front. I didn’t like the way I looked and so I buzzed it extremely short(we called it a crew cut then). Most of my friends had to take time to get used to it, but it was the best thing I ever did. I felt better and didn’t have to worry about arranging my hair to look like I had more. As the years have passed, I have lost more and more hair, but I kept cutting my hair shorter and shorter. Now I am almost always completely shaven or close. I like the way I look and so does almost everyone.
Everyone says, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?” I say the same thing. When I shaved my head and accepted myself, I gained more confidence, liked myself again, and found that no one really cared about my hair. When you have that confidence, making friends and finding love is not an issue.
I waited way too long to do something, but in the end, this is no longer an issue for me and this can be you. I hope you don’t wait as long as I did to accept yourself and find that confidence.
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Karmapolice,
Thank you for your honest post. Going bald is not something any man wants to deal with. However, many of us have to. You have come to the right place to get support from other guys like yourself.
I can only say that my confidence was so much improved when I shaved my head. If you think about it, your confidence will have to be better with a shaved head than with a balding head. Shaving is more intentional, so it gives the impression that you are taking control. The most important person to realize that you are in control is YOU! Nobody else really cares as much about our balding as we think they do. A few people may have made some nasty comments to you, but don't let that get you down. There are always going to be people who tell others mean things. Even the most handsome men have jealous people telling them things just to make them doubt themselves.
When you are in control, you will be more confident.
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You say you would never judge someone by appearance and you think that is wrong to do. Do you think you are the only person who believes this is true? No, most people feel as you do. So what you are doing is just negative self talk.
The thing your ex girlfriend said to you was humiliating and meant to make you feel small. She thought she controlled you with that statement. You were not lucky to have her though because you could find a much better person than someone who would say this to you.
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I think you'll find -- as most of us have -- that being bald is a lot better than baldING. The constantly changing appearance can be startling and Mother Nature usually makes a sloppy job of it. But once your hair is gone and your look stabilizes, things get a lot easier. Hang in there.
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Some great advice given, as usual. We all experience negative thoughts at some point, it can be easier to withdraw than to face up to the harsh reality that is called life, a few years ago, I went through a rough patch, not bald related, and started shutting off to everything.... my brother in law, now deceased, came to see me and after I rambled on about life etc and how I was feeling, he simply asked "and how is that working out for you?" That made me think long and hard...you get one shot at this...if I wanted to be happier, I had to make that choice...yes its more complicated than that. . but then again....its not complicated at all....I hope you get there, just keep going
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Thank you all for your posts and advices. I would like to go bald because it's frustrating to look every day in the mirror from different angles and look how much is gone today. Did you experience that people often look at you in a certain way? I'm afraid too that when I would talk to a girl while being bald I could never show her that I'm an interesting person because it would be too soon over, when she sees my bald head. When I look around I see all the happy couples and most men of them have beautiful hair.
In Germany bald men are often connected with Nazis or racist skinheads. I'm totally against them and don't want anybody to think that I'm a Nazi, so I would have to deal with that "problem" too.
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I can't speak for what it is like in Germany, but having a shaved head is much more "normal" than it was ten years ago.
As far as I know most people (in the UK at least) don't make the skinhead / neo-nazi association these days.
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Karma police,
Hang in there. Things will get better for you.
Great advice given as usual by the guys. I am sure you will like it once you go sly. It sure made a great difference for me. I accept it and I like it. You are not alone in the way that you feel.
Take care.
I wish you all the best.
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Thank you all for your posts and advices. I would like to go bald because it's frustrating to look every day in the mirror from different angles and look how much is gone today. Did you experience that people often look at you in a certain way? I'm afraid too that when I would talk to a girl while being bald I could never show her that I'm an interesting person because it would be too soon over, when she sees my bald head. When I look around I see all the happy couples and most men of them have beautiful hair.
In Germany bald men are often connected with Nazis or racist skinheads. I'm totally against them and don't want anybody to think that I'm a Nazi, so I would have to deal with that "problem" too.
I've only been to Germany once, and I don't know the dynamics of the Nazi culture. I'm thinking it may be harder to by sly there, but I'm also imagining that there are ways you can differentiate yourself from the Skinhead types. I would think that they would not dress the same, and would not have a friendly disposition. I think people would be able to tell that you are not one of them.
I think there used to be negative vibes here in America towards those who had shaved heads. That has seemed to go away. Usually we are far behind Europe in everything. Hopefully this is true for having a shaved head as well.
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On a totally separate vein. Karmapolice might actually be my favourite forum name.
Welcome!
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Karmapolice
Welcome to the forum from another newbie.
I really empathise with you and as usual excellent supportive comments from the guys on here. I am new to the forum and have only shaved my head for two weeks. I am 52 this year and wish now I had done it years ago. I am happily married so have not had to go through the torment that you have expressed in regards to your thoughts and the opposite sex. I noticed you are about to embark upon your thirties. In my opinion and experience your perspective in regards to your hair and the torment you have to experience every time you look in a mirror will not change until you take control of the situation. Maybe by writing on here is a good indication that the time has come for you to take some action. What a great chance to enter into your thirties with a new style and I am sure a major boost in your confidence. In regards to noticing other couples I use to think the same but now I am sly I seem to notice all the nice looking girls are with the sly guys. I think this is more of a perception than a fact. It's amazing how controlling our minds can be especially in regards to issues connected to low self esteem or lack of self worth.
You asked where do sly guys get their confidence from. I personally believe it is because we have taken control of our thinning hair. We are no longer 'slaves' to having to constantly look in the mirror, adjusting what little hair we have or having to hide ourselves away from others. Confidence comes from within and taking control of any situation in our lives
Hope you manage to find the answers to your questions and take the best step forward for yourself.
Good luck my friend
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In Germany more and more Nazis go to the university, study law and have "normal" hair cuts. They want to shift away from the "aggressive" and "primitive", violent behaviour to get more people. But still most "normal" people here connect bald SHAVED heads with Nazis. But I think you're right, Slymike, a nice smile, the right clothes (Nazis with shaved heads wear often products from certain brands like "Thor Steinar") and friendly behaviour (to all nationalities) will show that I don't belong to this group of human garbage (sry, but I hate Nazis).
I think you are all right. I have to shave my head to free myself. Friends and family members already ask me why I wear hats all the time and it's so embarrassing to tell the truth so I lie. I feel bad then because I know they already know the truth and just don't want to hurt my feelings, so they pretend to believe me. I started to work out a few months ago to feel better and get some of my self confidence back. First and foremost I want to like myself again. It must be a great feeling not to think about the light in a room and how much of the skin on my head is visible. I can't even remember how it was to be free from such fears. I hope that one day I can laugh about my current behaviour...
I think this is a great site with a great forum. It's sad that we live in a world where the media want to dictate us what kind of men are attractive (namely the ones with full hair) and the men with little or no self confidence need some kind of support. It's great not only to have people here who suffer from the same problem but to have strong personalities who went through all the pain and suffering I did and to give advice and moral support. It's good to know that I'm not alone and that other people have or had the same fears and concerns. I would like to stay on this forum, read more posts and maybe soon write about positive changes in my life. Thanks to all of you, thank you very, very much!
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Feel free to stay on this forum and add comments when you feel led to (you don't have to be sly yet)... Just the fact that you are considering going sly is what brings you here. As you can tell, this group is accepting of all. Yes, we promote shaved heads because we know the freedom it has given us personally, but we also know that it is a personal decision that can only happen when you are ready. That moment is different for each of us.
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Karmapolice,you sound so down on yourself.I don't think you would have the confidence to shave your head.Sometimes the best advice is to get professional help. I don't mean this in any derogatory way , but only as away to help.
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Karmapolice,you sound so down on yourself.I don't think you would have the confidence to shave your head.Sometimes the best advice is to get professional help. I don't mean this in any derogatory way , but only as away to help.
Hang in there buddy ! This sight offers great advice for FREE. Hope you heed some of it ! Keep us posted ! Sehr Danke !
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Ultimately you have to make the decision for yourself. You said you can't wait to be free and I have to tell you, that's what shaving my head did for me. Initially seeing myself shaven was kind of shocking, but that passed quickly and I got to like my new look quickly as well. Once all my friends and family saw me, I was done and free. All the worries about how other people thought my hair looked were gone.
It was a long and traumatic transition for me. I don't look back and laugh because as irrational as it may actually be to be so consumed with my hair loss, it's a really difficult thing to go through. At least it was for me and probably was for many of us.
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Well the gay community in the UK and Germany transformed the Nazi look if you can call it that with fashion . Your right nazis are found smartly dressed and in suits . Even found a 80 year old one in tweed , all racism is born in ignorance .
Saturday at a interfaith event ,I wore a suit and was asked if I was a monk , I corrected the position as my Buddhist practice does not have , priest monks or nuns .
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KarmaPolice,
I hope you're doing better with this situation now but I'd like to chime in and give my thoughts anyway. First of all, I think it's a bad idea to have all of your self confidence tied up in any one area of your life, especially something like your hair or your appearance. You need to diversify your sources of confidence. Get good at something. Work out. Set and accomplish some goals. Don't let this one minor ( and it is actually very minor) area of your life dictate how you manage the rest of your life.
I had long hair when I moved to Korea 3 years ago and had noticed I was starting to lose it. This bothered me because I had always loved having long hair and women always liked it too. Also, appearance is very important in Korea. I kept cutting it shorter and shorter until I ended up finding this forum and just shaving it all completely off. Best decision I ever made in terms of confidence boosting. It took hardly any time to get used to. My girlfriend at the time liked it and people told me it looked good. I've had no problems meeting women since I shaved me head. My students still tease me about it all the time but it never bothers me because there's no reason why I, as a grown man, would care what a child thinks of my appearance.
The reality is,man, no one cares about it as much as you do. Just shave it, get used to it and get to work building your confidence back in other ways. People will respond to your confidence and believe me when I tell you NOTHING is more attractive to a woman than confidence.
Best of luck, bro.
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Hope your situation has improved KarmaPolice. Update us if you can.
I may be a little late to the party but wanted to add my thoughts too. I understand how you feel. I held a lot of belief and confidence in myself in my hair, as I'm sure many of us did at one time. In my late teen and early 20's when I was big into heavy metal, I grew it out and it was long and thick and absolutely loved it. As I got older I got into the 50's look and wore my hair in a pompadour. It was high maintenance but I absolutely loved the look.
I grew it out long again a few years back but it just wasn't the same. I found that it was noticeably thinner and when I pulled it back in a ponytail you could see the thinness and the scalp. Like you, I resorted to wearing hats and bandana to cover it up. That became my look, hair pulled back in a ponytail, sometimes I did just let it hang free, but always had a hat on, be it a fedora, newsboy, ball cap, etc. Worked for a while and then I finally decided to let it go and cut it short. Wore it in a spikey kind of pompadour for several years, which worked to a point, but the thinness was apparent. No matter how I styled it I was always conscious of the fact that it was thin up top and in the crown. And yes I would always wonder if people were looking at the ever increasing thinness on my crown.
I finally decided to buzz it short last year at the urging of a girl I was dating and absolutely loved that look. It was easy, low maintenance, and balanced out the thinness. I will tell you though that I had made the decision to shave my head many many years ago. Knowing that my hair was progressively thinning, I knew that when it was time, it would be time. I was never going to be that guy that sported the horseshoe, my vanity would not allow it.
So come this past November, a little over a year after I had started buzzing it, during my last buzzing session I realized that it had thinned to the point where I was ready to shave it all off. At 42, the time had come. And I gotta tell you, I couldn't be happier! I've gotten nothing but positive responses from it and the ladies absolutely love it! They love to rub a freshly shaved smooth head and some even say it turns them on while they rub it. It didn't take me long to adjust to the look and now, even as much as I loved my hair, I can't ever imagine going back. I'm sly for life! Or in my case bald and bearded for life!
You'll find that we're our worst enemy and our worse critic. We notice things about ourselves that drive us nuts that no one else would care about. When I had my pompadour or spikey hair, if I felt a hair was out of place it drove me insane, but no one else saw it and though I looked fine. I say all this to tell you that even though I was loosing my hair, I never let it define who I was on the inside. As others have said the confidence comes from within and it seems that you are taking the steps to get that control back, with working out, etc. Shaving your head will liberate you, that I, and many in this forum, can attest to.
We only have one life. Live life, don't let life live you!
I seem to always attach this pic to various posts, but I think it helps give perspective to see how I progressed for hair and high maintenance to being sly and free.
Peace!
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I think you should go for the 30 day challange! I shaved my head out of the blue 4 days ago and I feel so liberated! (I found this site after I did it) As far as other people.. If a woman wont take you as bald then you shouldn't waste your time on them anyway. It just shows their true colors. I am 23 and just got fed up with the balding.. I've struggled with it for a while.. But it was time I take control. I give myself confidence. Most woman dont care how their spouse/boyfriend looks.. Woman LOVE confidence even if you dont mean to display it. Try out the 30 day challange and I almost garuntee you'll feel great at the end of those 30 days!
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Shaving my head completely, was a choice that I made...and once I did it, I felt like I was "reborn" like a new man. Its funny too...the moment I shaved my head the more I realized how mainstream it is to be bald! Almost 1 in 3 or 4 men have a shaved head! So WE'RE in good company!! ;)
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Hello guys, I'm really sorry that it's over a year ago since my last post. Your replies and advices were so kind that I really should have written earlier. I would like to tell you how I continued if somebody wants to know and to let other people know how I overcome this "problem" (which is no real problem as I know now).
In spring this year I started to shave my head. As you can see in my first post I struggled with my hairloss. I read your replies, thought a lot about it and I can't explain it but something changed in me. It suddenly made all sense to me. Really, I spontaneously took hair clippers, buzzed it down and called a friend to shave it. I felt free and liberated and gained so much confidence, like everything that you described, amazing.
Everything that I was concerned about happened to be false, also like you guys said. Nobody really cared about it. Some saw it as a normal "hair style", many said it looks good and new people that I met would never know me differently (only one guy at my university asked me if I'm a Nazi but that's a "german" problem you have to deal with when you shave your head, probably no problem for you in the USA). All the girls that I know or met had absolutely no problem with it. My current girlfriend even mentioned one time how confident I am. Friends and family also reacted totally normal and nice. I'm so happy that I did it and first was a little bit angry about myself that I needed so long, but better late than never. It's so true what you wrote that I made it a bigger problem than it was.
I think the most important thing that I started to see hairloss as nothing was seeing ill and disabled persons and realizing how I would feel if I were suddenly in that situation. There are people who lost an arm or a leg, who suffer so badly of some disease, there are blind people who can never see the beauty of our nature or deaf people who will never have the possibility to listen to the beautiful sounds of Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin. And there I am complaining about hairloss? It appeared absurd to me and also like a sin against life. I realized that I should be thankful that I can run and handle my life by myself, that I can see and hear and don't suffer of a real disease. I started to enjoy my life again, to travel, to hang out with friends and there is no way that I could ever fall back in depression because of hairloss. I think once you really overcome it, it's over forever.
I can still understand really young people who are 18 or 21 and who suffer because of this. I think it takes a certain level of maturity or life experience to overcome it. Some can do it earlier, some later. I hope that maybe my post helps one of these guys.
Again, thank you very much, guys, for your advices. They turned out to be all true :)
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I have this site to thank too for helping me turn the corner. In one of your earlier posts, you mentioned your girlfriend at the time told you that most women don't like bald guys. She was indeed very far from the truth. I'm glad it's worked out for you and you don't have to be afraid of balding anymore. Life is too short to worry about losing hair.
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That post really made my morning, Karma. Thank you.
So many guys have made a few posts about their respective anxiety over losing their hair and their concerns about reactions if they shave, then stop all posts and we never hear from them again. I am sincerely glad that you are happy with your choice and are doing well.
Please stay around for a while. Other guys who are going through what you did could certainly benefit from you telling them your story.
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Glad you took the time to post and update us on your progress. I'm especially glad that you took control of your situation and came out on top, the winner, as I knew you would. You've embraced all the good things that come with taking charge and shaving your head, and I'm sure you feel like a new man! Good on you mate! Please continue to update us and post often. Others can benefit from your experience.
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I agree with all the great points of advice so far.
Personally, I chose to buzz my hair very short instead of shaving it smooth. Maybe the short buzz will also be a good solution for you nazi-concern? You can at least try it for a while... When I buzzed my head to 2 mm or so, I walked out the door and I felt like floating on a cloud. You will love the feeling of relief that there is nothing to hide anymore. You will just think: "Hello world, this is me, take it our leave it". It feels liberating after months or years of intense stress and insecurity.
Also, be aware that bald or buzzed does not directly correlate with attractiveness. Most men with a full head of hair aren't very good looking... only some might be. But the same goes for bald/buzzed men! Most people agree though, that buzzed/bald actually DOES look better than a balding hair style. Plus, in the current situation, you feel miserable... All this means you really have something to win -> Give it a shot, buzz it short and enjoy the sun on your head. From there you can always consider to shave it with a razor sometime.
Good luck and take care man... you really seem aware of the fact that something has to happen in your life and that is the important first step. Now give yourself your life back :) O, and from my personal experience: other people won't give a damn about your new look... they will only react positively when they see how you have grown comfortable in your own skin again.
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It took me awhile but the quickest path to acceptance for me was just to say "screw it and be the bald guy" you're in college, hit the gym....if you're fat cut down the carbs and beer and drink whiskey (no carb) if you're skinny, get some steak in ya.
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Did u ever consult with any Dermatologist or any skin specialist?If u can't grow u'r hair, u can use False hair when u go outside.