Sly Bald Guys Forum
Various Non-Bald Discussions => General Discussion => Topic started by: Timmay on August 04, 2007, 11:14:30 AM
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Hey just see where this goes...i dunno...may be something stupid but oh hell give it a try...
Just keep adding to this story line.
One day after I finished shaving my head, feeling good about myself, I went for a walk..........
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And felt this cool breeze gently flowing over my tanned sly skull.
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then i reached up to feel my freshed scraped noggin and realized i had missed a spot!!!!
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Then I saw some other guy walking down the street. He had a perfectly smooth, slick dome and I felt so jealous as I once again rubbed the rough spot that I'd missed.
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I knew at that moment that I must do 2 things: first I must take care of the spot that I missed and then I must not allow someone else to have a smoother or more perfect dome than I. So, I quickly returned home and took care of the rough spot that I missed. Now what to do about that other guy. I cannot allow such a perfect head to be seen and continue to make mine look inferior. I sat and pondered what to do...
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But before I had a chance to do something sinister to that guy, he tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and got a big cut on his head. After that he couldn't shave for awhile. But at this point, I knew I had a problem, so I went to get counseling and intervention from Dr. Phil.....
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...But he was too damn expensive. So I went instead to Walmart and went to the sports department and asked for a shotgun, some ammo and a ski mask....
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So I had to come up with a way to raise the money. I return to the park bench and sat there as I see other Sly guys walk by. A few would stop and comment on how smooth my head was and the shine...they didnt dare take off their sunglasses.
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My plan was to take this guy hostage and keep him locked up in my basement for a few weeks until his hair grew back. But then what??
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I must find a way to stop him from ever shaving again. Cutting off his arms seemed a little too drastic.. And then it occurred to me...
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maybe i can feed him no doz and make him watch infomercials about hair loss until he loses his mind and never wants to shave again. so i head to the store with him in my basement. while at the store, i........
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Am approached by a really hot chick who offers those perfume samples. She comments on my shining dome, gives me a head rub and says....
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....she says, "Yer a friggen idiot, man!" Needless to say, this was not what I expected her to say and it REALLY messed with my confidence.
So I began to weep bitterly, recalling I've got this dude in my basement and thinking, "WTF is this all for anyway?"
So as I wept and heaved convulsively it suddenly dawned on me......
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i am naked in front of all these people. and crying like a baby. so head over to......
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...my mom's house. She sees me standing there butt nekked with tears running down my cheeks and says, "Yer a friggen idiot, man."
Fighting mightily to preserve whatever shred of composure and dignity I can muster, I decide it would be best at this point to.....
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... put a robe on and get a grip on myself. I decided to head back to the store to confront the girl who ridiculed me. Nobody laughs at me like that and gets away with it, nobody. So I ....
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Ran into the store, found the girl, ripped the perfume samples from her tightly clutched fingers and raised my hand to...
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put the smack down on dis ho....cuz i got to keep mah pimp hand strong!..but i didnt feel like going to jail today so i....
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... caressed her cheek instead and then kissed her passionately. Then I pulled out my gun and forced her to eat every candy bar in the store, hoping she'd gain a lot of weight and ruin the rest of her life. Realizing that I had to get home to tend to my hostage soon, I ....
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I broke free from her soft and tender embrace and tenderly wipered to her...
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... "Give me all the Rogaine you've got in the store." As soon as I got home, I planned to apply it all to the scalp of my hostage, hoping to jump-start his hair growth so I could get him the hell out of my basement. When I got back to the house ....
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The police and the fire department were there and they were all bald as cueballs, as they had all just freshly shaved. Meanwhile the foxy female EMT grabbed me and gave me the most erotic French Kiss and said.....
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"Hey, give me back my gum!" So I smiled sheepishly and then ....
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said, Only after you complete your CPR....I am feeling quite faint! Suddenly the EMT said, who cares about the hostage in your house, all bald men drive me nuts! At this point, a carriage pulled by a bunch of zebras took the EMT to the psych hospital.....
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... but not before she'd finished having her wicked way with me. ^-^ ^-^
Suddenly, all the stress and tension I'd been feeling were gone, allowing me to better focus on how to resolve my current dilemma -- getting the hostage out of my basement before the police and firemen all realized who I was. Not to mention the fact that I still had to destroy his capability to be sly. I sneaked around to the back of the house and ...
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Treated the hostage to some yummy brownies that give you "the munchies". After having this mind altering treat, the hostage looked in the mirror and thought he looked like Rosie O'Donnel, to which he replied.....
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" somebody shoot me. PLEASE!" not wanting the cops to hear him, i then........
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Tried to quiet him down. He began to weep, thinking that he'd been transformed from a cool sly dude into an overweight and unattractive comedienne with an attitude problem. He begged me to ...
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..."call richard simmons quick" which was more than i could take. so i got out my golf clubs and.......
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As I was about to club him, I said, "how about your freedom if you promise to wear hair like Donald Trump. He then replied.....
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"Never!!" So I threw down the golf clubs and pulled out my pocket watch and began to hypnotize him into forgetting that he'd been held hostage, and into hating the sly look forever. I made him think that if he ever touched a razor again, it would burn like molten lava in his hand. He was destined to live his life as one hairy dude.
Then I slipped out the back window to avoid the police and then I ....
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never, I would rather die than loose my SLY coolness. Well then I said you leave me no other choice but to
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pinch myself and realize that I'd already done this part. Standing there in the back yard, after climbing out the window, I ....
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walked to the store and bought some ben and jerry's cherry garcia. and headed to the park to..............
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eat my ice cream an ponder my future plans. However on my way to the park I ran straight into..
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... that chick with the perfume samples from the store. She'd instantly gained 25 pounds from the candy bars I'd forced her to eat, and she was hell-bent on revenge. Not knowing what else to do, I threw my pint of ice cream at her, hitting her square between the eyes. She picked it up and began to eat it. It was then that I finally remembered that I could fly, so catapulted myself into the air and ....
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straight into a low lying tree branch. This knocked me unconsious for a few minutes. When I came to, the fat slag was still eating the ice cream I had thrown at her and I was bleeding heavily from a gash in my perfectly slick smooth dome. I warily got to me feet and turned around only to see..
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a tribe of Amazons who quickly overpowered me and carried me off to their remote island to be their resident stud. After tattooing my bulging biceps with their tribal bands, they catered to my every need, shaving my dome smooth every day and keeping my beard impeccably trimmed. There was some disagreement about which of them would be the first to bear my child, a conflict I feared would only escalate. So I ....
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yelled, hold it ladies, there's enough of my SLY studness for everyone. It will be a sacrifice for me, but one that I will bear just to be able to bring you pleasure and proliferate an ongoing breed of new little SLY amazons children that will be my gift to the world. With extreme joy and profound appreciation they all bowed at my feet and began kissing my
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you-know-what. It was exhausting but rewarding work. Eventually, they began to view me as their king. This was about the time that ....
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the girl from the perfume counter reappeared. She had now ballooned another 75 pounds and she was really angry, as well as extremely hungry. She was looking for revenge, along with a big hunk of meat and cheese. She caught me off guard and secretly ran up from behind me and grabbed me around my
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...leg but I was able to shake her off and then I started running for, what seemed like hours, until I came upon a hole in the ground. I jumped in and found myself sliding down a very long tunnel which seemed so long that I imagined it was leading to the center of the earth. Finally I could see light from below which indicated to me I must be nearing the end of this tunnel. Finally I shot through the exit and...
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I couldn't believe it. I was back at my house and sitting in the middle of my living room was a
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...evil double of me with a full head of hair. It came at me all of a sudden and all I could think to do was....
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struggle to try to subdue the evil double. If he were to begin masquarading as me in public, my SLY reputation would be ruined. I was finally able to pin him under a coffee table and reached to grab a
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...razor that was lying near me. I proceeded to shave his hair which seemed to be slowly killing him. The more I shaved the more transparent he would become. Once I had fully shaved the evil twins scalp, and he had fully disappeared, I looked down. There in his place was some type of device. Not really sure what it was I begin to inspect it and found that....
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it was some type of hair regrowth follicle stimulator. The device appeared to be very complex with all sorts of wires an probes protruding from it. It was at that point that the it all became clear to me who this evil twin really was, Why I had not realized this before was a mystery as I now could clearly see that in reality
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...it was the inner me fighting with my self confidence. Wanting to be free and be myself but feeling controlled from the "usual view" of society. But finally I had broken free. But the fight wasn't over. How many more people out there are just like me. Fighting internally to be there true selves. Then it came to me. It hit me like a train. What I was meant to do...What I was meant to be. Those others out there like myself need me. I felt like a superhero but without all the fancy powers. I had become...
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obsessed with getting back to that Amazon island, as my work there was not yet finished. :D :D But how would I ever find it again? It was then that I remembered the secret tunnel that could be accessed through my bedroom closet -- which had a magic portal that might return me there, if all the stars and planets in the galaxy were properly aligned. I stepped into the portal and emerged ....
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I emerged as ... SUPER SLY MAN. I grabbed my Headblade and .....
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...then put it on my finger which gave me tremendous power. As I walked around the Amazon Island again, now as Super Sly Man I begin to think of what I would do with my new found powers?
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but as i was thinking of what 2 do..... the swedish bikini women emerged from the coconut trees and gave me head rubs as they were peeling grapes 4 me 2 eat...... then all of a sudden............
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I began to choke on a grape seed. I fell to the ground and ...
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...realized that my "HB Ring" had fallen off and I wasn't sure where it was. This much be the reason for my low strength. Then one of the bikini wearing women pulled back the skin on her face to reveal her true self. She was...
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beginning too remove ...
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.....her mask and suddenly she was also beginning to blow up like a balloon and suddenly I realized she was, in reality, that fat perfume chick!! I stretched my arm for my Headblade, which was just out of reach. I stretched and stretched and was finally able to grab it and put it around my finger again. Then I made a hasty exit using my supersonic speed, which was one of the powers I'd gained from the Headblade.
It was then that I decided I needed a little quiet time to figure out how to best use my powers. I could either use them for the good of all mankind or use them for my own personal enrichment. After a moment or two of intense soul-searching, I opted to ...
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...use it to refill a near by mug full of beer so that I could think about it a bit longer. Once I finished the beer I then decided...
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... to make a much-needed visit to the john. Afterwards I ...
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washed my hands and headed outside. As I walked past the women's restroom...
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The non-existent hairs on my head began to tingle. I looked up and what did I see but ...
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... that perfume girl coming out of the ladies' room. Man, for a fat chick, she sure did get around. I ducked into a hallway and ....
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noticed that my zipper was still down. I zipped it up and noticed...
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... a hottie at the bar giving me a "come hither" look. I made a beeline for the bar and ...
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I walked up to her asking the question, "your place or mine?"
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She began to rub my sly dome and said ....
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"Right here, right now," as she pulled me behind the bar and began to ravage me. I was powerless to resist as her soft, warm hands slid over my dome. And then ...
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when we were finished, she said I owed her $200.
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And I said that she was good, but I hadn't gotten $200 worth. For that kind of money, I expected ....
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her to...
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. . .send me into the 7th dimension parallel universe , where ...
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all the ladies were in bikinis and standing around me as we all were throwing peeled grapes at teh fat perfume lady as she lays on the ground wallering around like a pig. As the perfume lady looks up at me I can see her eyes glowing and the none existant hairs on my head begin to stand straight up....the perfume lady reaches out for me and all i see is this huge blob with two arms and a head. She touches my bald slyness and all i see is darkness. I regain my conciousness only to find I wake up in my basement behind a locked door adn I can see my hostage as he has all of the EMTS under his power and he is super gluing .................
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together the broken pieces of a Buddha statue that had been smashed in one of earlier struggles. I began to wonder why the hostage was back in my basement when I'd set him free after hypnotizing him into rejecting slyness forever. I also began to question why on earth he would try to exert any control over the EMTs and policemen who had come there to assist him. But before I could ask those questions aloud and ascertain some answers to this insanity, the final piece of the Buddha was glued into place. Buddha's eyes began to glow and two laser beams shot from its eyes, knocking me to the ground, causing me to lose consciousness.
I awakened in the bar, on the floor with a sore head. The last thing I remembered, I'd told that prostitute that there was no freaking way she was getting $200 of my money. She struck me in the head with a bottle and I fell to the ground. When I awakened, I realized that my wallet was missing. But my immediate concern was the condition of my beautiful dome, which I hoped hadn't been disfigured or scarred from having a bottle smashed over it. I headed to the men's room and checked the mirror. I was greatly relieved to find my dome was unblemished, though it was hurting like hell. That's when ....
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A large tattooed bouncer grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and smashed my face into the..
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side of the partition that separated the urinals. He then looked me square in the eye and screamed...
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"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SCRUB THE GROUT LINES ..MR CLEAN"
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So I grabbed a toilet plunger and rammed the handle into his stomach. He doubled over in pain and I ran like hell to get out of there. Knowing that he wouldn't be too far behind me, I ran outside, and went into the nearest shop right across the street, not realizing that it was a spa/salon. The place was full of women. When the receptionist saw me, she said, "Oh - you must be here for the chest waxing. Janet -- your 10:00 is here!"
Before I could say a word, Janet emerged. To say the least, she was scary-looking. Built like a German tank and looked like she'd been sucking on a lemon all morning. She grabbed me by the arm and whisked me into a back room. She tore off my shirt and flung me onto a table and started preparing the wax. That was when ....
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...the large tatooed bouncer busted in. Telling Janet to get behind me, I turned to him and asserted, "Listen, I appreciate the 'Mr. Clean' designation. And I'll give you a mulligan on that'n and let it slide as a complement to my impeccably maintained chromedome (the rough spots notwithstanding). But I ain't a friggen janitor....and could give a flippen rip about the grout lines. And those tattooes are really just plain stupid, not to mention that '80's throwback big hair yer sportin. Shave yer friggen head, ya moron. Maybe I'd have a little respect for yer dumbass hairy ape-man self."
Well, this really broke down the big galoot. He tripped both me and Janet out by immediately wipping out his cell phone and...
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calling his mommy and asking her if he really does look like a dork and ........................
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then he began to weep uncontrollably, as presumably the answer he got from his mother was, "Yes". Neither Janet nor I felt threatened by him any longer. Janet pushed him out the door and flung me back on the table, saying, "Now, where were we?", when all of a sudden ....
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..."Janet" drops a bombshell and reveals that she is in fact a man and that I'm in for one hell of a chest wax. Having had enough with all this Bullsh**, I ......
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jumped to my feet to try to get otta this place as fast as I could. But before I could move, the now-overweight perfume lady burst through the door, dragging the bouncer, who was now again weeping uncotrolably. She pushed the bouncer onto the table and yelled at the top her lungs, "NO, You must wax my fiance first, I've always liked for my men to be totally smooth". The disheartened bouncer summoned all the emotional strength that he could muster and jumped back to his feet and began pleading with the perfume lady saying...
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"PLEASE, sweetheart, don't do this to me!!" Janet (now known as James) ordered me to hold the bouncer down on the table while he/she prepared to wax him from head to toe. This was followed by a lot of blood-curdling screaming, as the bouncer was waxed from head to toe. Yes, even that god-awful mullet was cut off and his scalp then waxed. I must say it was one fine bald head. Made me think about getting it done myself, though I was definitely not interested in any waxing below the neck. I'd seen what this guy went through and it wasn't pretty. The now hairless bouncer walked over to the mirror and said ....
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Ya know, I think I kinda like it. Can you also....
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.... book me for a standing appointment every six weeks? Damn, I'm SLY!!" It was then he realized that he could do better than the fat perfume chick so he gave her her marching orders, and then he left the salon.
The perfume chick then reminded me that she was the only female in this story that I hadn't had sex with (Jane/James obviously not counting) and it was time to do something about that. She was blocking the only exit. There was no way I could overpower her or escape. She came towards me and ...
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and pushed me back on the table, ripping what clothing I had left, off my trembling body. I felt so powerless, and yet somehow drawn to her. I couldn't explain the strange urges I was having as I have never gone for fat chicks that reek of perfume before. I began to realize that she had somehow brought my mind under her control. I desparately needed my majic headblade that would give me super strength and break the fat perfume chicks power over me. The only thing I could think to do at this point was....
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pretend with all my might that she was someone else -- someone thinner, more attractive, and more gentle -- as I prayed that this wouldn't last too much longer. I knew I wouldn't last too much longer. After what seemed like forever ...
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an eternity turned out to be only 40 seconds. Was I ever so blown away by the most intense session I have ever had. As I looked down I was covered in blood. I glance up at the what I had imagined as a SI swimsuit model was indeed the fat perfume lady. She was standing there naked and she didnt have the normal female parts that most have. SHe had headblades attached to her whole body. I glance back down at my wounds and my body not only covered in blood but was completely hairless. I rush down the hall without grabbing my clothes and being this was a spa...there should be a swimming pool somewhere. I find the pool adn I jump in, but it wasnt water that I found in the pool ..it was............
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rubbing alcohol. The fat perfume chick has somehow managed to turn this somewhat average salon/dayspa into a horrorfilled nightmare. I felt like I was somehow in another dimension and I was trapped with no way to get out. I could no longer determine what was real and what was a figment of my imagination. I knew now that I could no longer trust my senses, I had to rely on my basic instincts. Even though my body appeared to be writhing in pain, I shut all of that out of my mind and just swam through the suppossed "rubbing alcohol" with all my might. I kept telling myself that this is only a figment of my imagination and that I could only defeat the fat perfume chick if I could overcome her mind control. I finally reached the edge of the pool, jumped out, and ran straight for...
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... the telephone. I made a call and requested delivery of six pizzas, figuring that I'd have my chance to escape when the perfume chick dug in to eat them. Five minutes later, the pizzas arrived and ...
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strategically placed the pizzas at various points around the spa. I figured that I would have the best chance if I could divert her attention in various areas of the building. However, the smell of the pizzas began to overcome me, as I had not had a chance to eat with all of the days activity going on. I thought to myself, "one small piece won't hurt". So I sat down, if but only for a moment to partake of a little nourishment. However, I soon realized that I had miscalculated the power and deviousness of the fat chick. I had no more than taken my first bite of the pizza, when to my surprise...
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the pepperoni's resembled teh fat chicks face.................
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So I immediately jump up adn run as fast as I can. A big flash of light blinds me and Here I am again....on my walk.....
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Man, this fat chick is really playin with my mind. How can I break loose from her evil grasp. it was at this point that it occurred to me...was I really back at my walk...where this whole ordeal began...or did the fat chick still have me in her powers and was I again halucinating???? And what was behind the evil fat chicks powers...and why couldn't I seem to break free. Then it occurred to me... her power had to be in the perfume. So I decided that the only way I was ever going to be free of the hidious fat chick would be if I could...
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... sleep with her again, since it was highly unlikely that her heart could stand up to such further exhilaration so soon after our last encounter. It was not something I looked forward to doing, but it was the only way to rid myself of her forever. So I took a deep breath and ...
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and seductively wispered.. OK, babe... If its me you want...I guess it's me you're gonna have...But ya gotta come here and get it. I braced myself, closed my eyes and....
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Thought back to every forum in Playboy and Penthouse I had ever read ...
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I started to feel teh earth tremble and the whole world got quiet. You could on feel the trembling beneath my feet. I stood there with my eyes closed ..braced for the impact. Suddenly the trembling stopped....I was liek ..WHAT! NO THIS CANT BE HAPPENING! I have put my self thru misery with teh anticipation of the fat chick perfume lady and this is what I get. A HUGE LET DOWN! Then suddenly i feel this smack on my head, somethign oozing down my noggin....and a lone bird flies over head.......I proceed to cuss teh bird out and I turn around and there she is.....with soem sort of object in her hand....NO NO IT CANT BE !!!!!! NOT THAT...please dont use the............................
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feather duster
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Somehow she's found out how ticklish I was. I had to make a hasty escape -- pronto. Where was that magic Headblade, anyway? The next thing I knew ....
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I was riding ontop of a bright pink scooter with chrome wheels and those handle bar pompoms blowing in the wind as I was going down some freeway in Los Angeles. I felt like a movie star everyone stopping along the road holding signs adn banners. Some of the banners read...My Head is so bright ..i gotta wear shades. A road block..........wait....that isnt a road block..what is it? ON no please dotn tell me....it is...........
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Dr. Phil along with Jerry Springer trying to force me into doing a new combination of their two shows. At this point, they try to do a intervention on me. During this, they reveal that the fat perfume chick is none other than Rosie O'Donnel. At this point, I am wondering if the world was coming to an end because I thought that the last thing Rosie would want was sex with a man. As they prepare me for this bizarre intervention, they give me some truth serum. When they did that, I say to Dr. Phil, you know, you are too damn expensive and besides, you look like such a Bozo. You really ought to shave the rest of that fringe off. Really....How's that workin for ya? Meanwhile Jerry Springer brings out Steve Wilkos the bodyguard and I discover that he and the hostage are the same person. After this, I think to myself......
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WTF have I gotten myself into? All I did--for cryin' out loud--is go for a walk after freshly shaving my noggin....ok there were a few rough spots. But JEEZ....
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... i wonder if someone will publish this story after i write it? then i head off to........
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Chicago. Riding this scooter from California I should be able to make the 2008 Sly Guys convention just in time. As I am just crossing the state line into Nevada...I spot a Ben and Jerrys Ice cream shop. I decided I needed a break and icecream sounded really good and I walk in order my favorite flavor Cherry Garcia® Ice Cream adn as the waitress is handing me the succulant ice cream cone...i look up and OH NO ITS...................
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the other members of letchen grey. they recognize my sbg t-shirt and explain that they are headed to denver to do a reunion show with robbie, and ask if i wanna ride. so i ditch the scooter and jump into the.......
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the "Partridge Family Bus" which had been hijacked by the members of Letchen Grey. Mrs. Partridge was driving the bus and she was wearing a skimpy...
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Asian Kimono and was listening to old Brady Bunch family 8 track tapes. Lori Partridge was also there as her back up driver and was seving as the bus hostess; serving drinks to letchen grey. The bus hit a bump and Lori Partidge flew through the air with a serving tray filled with various drinks topped with little umbrellas. Robbie, lead singer with letchen grey, caught Lori in mid-air, along with her tray of drinks and gently put her down right on top of the .....
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freshly shaved sly dome he was sporting. Lori squealed with delight and said, "Where can I find more ......
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" ... Headlube?" Robbie smiled and said .....
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Well Im sure Mike Brady would know where to buy some more Headlube. Maybe he can call Sam down at the butcher shop. A quick phone call to Sam led us to calling Mr Hinklie over at the Green Acres grocery.....OK I give up..Im gettin tired of getting the run around....so I decided to give.......................
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...Robbie a call because he text-messaged me with an urgent note saying, "I can't keep up the charade. I'm nothing but a washed-up, middle-aged rock & roll has-been." And then it dawned on me....so is Lori Partridge.
He then admits that he's feeling guilty because he's really only the drummer for Letchen Grey. See, Lori thinks drummers are arrogant knot-head narcissists....but she loves lead singers.
Meanwhile back in the Partridge family bus....
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Lori is still looking for more SLY domes after experiencing the smoothness of the Robmeister. Robbies decides that maybe this could turn into something...say....a little more meaningful. So he decides to take Lori by the hand and looks into her eyes and says...
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..."Lori, I feel really stupid hanging out in this multi-colored bus...and it's really kinda freakin' me out. Can we go somewhere more...NORMAL?"
Lori, then says, "You lied to me. Why were you phony with me."
Robbie aptly replies, "Who's the phony here? Yer not even Lori Partride.....You're Susan Dey, for cryin' out loud!...gimme a break, man."
Robbie decides he's had enough of all this and begins contemplating a career in law enforcement.
Meanwhile.....
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I'm still sitting on this stupid bus and trying to figure out how I can get back home or at least get my majic headblade back so that I can regain my super powers. I decide that it's time to ditch the bus and yell up to Mrs. Partridge (I mean Shirley Jones), Hey, stop this bus. I want off. They stop the bus, let me off and I am standing in the middle of....
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a sing-off between the Osmonds and the Von Trapp family. As I look around trying to plot an escape, what do I see lying on the ground but ........
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...a steamy pile of human fecal matter. I shouted, "Oh, C'mon! ... can this get any freakier?!?!"
Then I hear a familiar voice behind me say, "Your nightmares have only just begun, you friggen idiot."
This sends chills up my calves, obliques and lats...I turn 'round and see....
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that the fat perfume chick has reappeared and is still messin with my mind. She reaches out to grab my....
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half finished Schrotini. Fed up with that worthless tub of goo, I shout, "Back off, Rosie....this is the last Schrotini". From there, I get back on the bus, open the liquor locker, and see Susan Dey....
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shiny bald head and on one finger she holds the magic headblade. I turn around to run and i fall flat on my face as I had stepped in the human fecal matter....i give an outward cry...GOD PLEASE HELP ME ! I DIDNT MEAN TO SHAVE THE NEIGHBORS CAT. At that point the fat perfume lady hears that i was cruel to a cat and she begins to............
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smother me in her large bossom. I desparately struggle to break free of her grasp an fall flat on my
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arse. I then noticed her thumb through a book she had with her. The book was titled "101 Ways to Prepare Cat: Atkins Style". It took all my might to keep from puking all over the place, as I hate cats as much as I hate razor stubble. With this, I took my last sip of Schrotini, and said to this now 300 pound wench....
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...in as masterfully crafted syntax and verbiage as I could summon........I said, "yer weird"
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Meanwhile, the Partridge Family Bus pulls up at the door of "The Hotel California". When I get out I see Marsh, who is now an ordained minister ready to perform a wedding where I am to marry Rosie O'Donnel aka Fat Perfume Chick. At the alter is Tyler as best man, Schro, PigPen, John Mont and other sly guys as groomsmen. Lechen Grey is providing the wedding music. Meanwhile Steve Wilkos, who has been held hostage at my house said, that he will drop charges if I go through with this wedding. He then told me that since this is the Hotel California that, "You can check out anytime you like but you can't ever leave". So the last thing I remember.....
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is seeing Jimmy Buffet walk thru the doors singing Cheeseburget in Paradise. The walls inside the church started to flip around revealing dancing women on pedestals and the band for Jimmy Buffet start to drop out of the ceiling behind the altar. Table replace the pews and there is a bar back where the confessional booths are at. Jimmy Buffet standing there wiht a dark cloth covering him, raises his hands high in the air and a wire attached to the cloth lifts the cloth revealing Jimmy as the newest SLY GUY! The Partridge family gets up on stage and starts singing along. The ground begins to shake, the table fall over, ceiling is falling in, there is a gapping hole in teh roof and this huge hand reaches in and grabs me. Every is speachless as the Fat Perfume lady , who at this time is as big as Atlanta...carries me off to a place which she calls.............
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Chevy's. :*))
She orders "Fajitas for twenty" then asks what I want to eat. Even though she now has her own orbit, she's always been generous with picking up the tab. I order some ceviche, a Grande Prickly Pear Margarita with a Dos Equis chaser. I take a swig of my XX, set it back on the bar. Just then, out of the corner of the corner of my eye, I see her. The most gorgeous woman I had ever seen. She is wearing, an SBG tee shirt. To which, I shout.........
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MOMMA MIA...where on earth did yo come from. As I start to walk towards her...Big Bertha steps between us. Enchilada juice dripping from her chin, and grumbles...WHERE IS MY DRINK?! The sweet little SBG girl tugs on the back of her moomoo dress and says hey listen here you beast. No one talks to an SBG like that unless you go thru me first. Then the brawl starts. The sweet lil sbg girl picks up and launches a........................
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tortilla making machine ("La Machina" as it's known in the Chevy's chain). It knocks Planet Janet to the ground and renders her unconscious. Me and my gorgeous SBG shirt wearin' tart check on her. She's out cold. We figure we've got enough time to sit down & have a drink before we have to make our getaway. She says, "Outside of Schro, you are the hottest SBG around. But since Schro is already married to the lovely Mrs. Schro, I'm lucky you came into my life".
We finish our drinks.........
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Then I abruptly awaken from what was a very cool halucination to find that once again I have landed back at the street where I first started. But this time, the halucination is starting to reallyfreak me out because now, somehow, I've grown hair. But it's not just regular hair, but a big afro-american style "Afro". and it is made of a material that no matter how much I try to cut it or shave it off, it always grows back or reappears. I'm just about to give it all up scream bloody murder cause I just can't take it anymore, when to my surprise.... out of nowhere......
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Tyler, dressed as Homie the Clown, jumps out of his 74 Yellow & wood paneled Pinto station wagon. As he jumps out, he shouts.....
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All right everyone, over to my place....We're gonna have a par-teee. Right then, coming from every direction were hundreds of SLY Bald guys all following Tyler to his Party villa to get down with a large group of playboy playmates all dressed to kill. All the playboy playmates were carrying..
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12-packs of Sierra Nevada, slip n' slides, containers of massage oil, and bags of Cheetos (crunchy style of course). For our gay SBG's, a few members of "Thunder From Down Under" thought this was the Party of the Century and had to check it out. When word got out of the craziness going on, Schro's close friend Shannon Elizabeth decided to call Heather Graham and Scarlett Johannson to join the gig. The slip n' slides and massage oil were a huge success, but what broke out that topped it all was .........
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A giant twister game. All the playmates then decided that the party should move to....
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THE OAKLAND COLISEUM (aka The Black Hole).
With the connections Schro has he called The Raiderettes. Football's Fabulous Females decided that the twister game, the slip n' slides, and the massage oil was too much to pass up. After a lubed up afternoon of skin & head rubbin', everyone headed to Everett Jones BBQ in Jack London Square. After that .....
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...Tyler (a.k.a. Homie the Clown) puked on his big floppy shoes, ruining his makeup and ostracizing himself from any further fraternization with the girls. I mean they really.....
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were preoccupied with consoling me over this Afro problem I'd developed. They invited me into their locker room to try to work out a solution to this dilemma. I felt it would be rude not to accept their kind invitation, so I agreed. After we got there ....
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One of the Raiderettes proposed putting IcyHot on my twig and berries. As it turns out, she was the long, distant relative of the Fat Perfume Girl. Once she was ratted out, the hot latina Raiderette (take your pick, that's about 25% of them :@`), pulled out the magic headblade and my super powers were re-born!! From there.........
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... I threw the hot Latina Raiderette over my shoulder and used my supersonic speed to get us both the hell out of there. The Left Coast was just a little too weird for my taste, so we headed back east to saner parts. We were just passing through Chicago when ....
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I looked over my shoulder and regretted my snap judgement on all that the west coast (especially NorCal) has to offer. I thought to myself, "Far and away, the best part of the USA...can't wait to get back there". That being said, I tried to get in touch with BaldRob, Paul, KalboArnie, and all the other Chi-Town SBG's. ......
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That was about the time that the lovely Raiderette reminded me that I'd promised to show her the east coast, and since a gentleman never goes back on his word, we continued our journey east. California would have to wait for a bit. The lovely Raiderette wanted to sample a real Philly cheesesteak. By that time ....
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I was just running and running with her on my shoulders and it seemed like all the roads were leading to no where. The weather was gettin hotter and hotter and I felt like my super powers were about to run out. I needed a blade that could last forever. I try really hard to think of a solution when all of a sudden I see this sign that says WELCOME TO WASHINGTON INDIANA. Im like wait...but werent we headed towards teh east coast? As I am wondering thru the small town of Washington I notice people again lining the streets with signs..but this time the signs all were the same..it was signs wiht big arrows pointing in one direction. I look up at my beauty on my shoulders and she says go for it....follow teh arrows. Upon approaching a huge ass hill I look up and there it is...the place to get my blade that last forever....Tim's house. As I struggle to get up the hill I finally am standing at Tim's front door adn I knock. The porch light comes on and the door slowly creeks open......adn to my surprise.....................
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Tim himself answers the door wearing only a towel and a smile. He is right in the middle of a fresh headshave!!! Tim invites me in politely offers me a beer or a wine. I politley decline.
Tim says he is just to finish up shaving his noggin and then can sit down and talk about getting the ultimate shaving blade, As I turn my head and my eyes settle upon Tims coffee table. I cant believe my eyes because there ,sitting right in the middle is....
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a golden vase, and inside the golden vase is the most beautiful Headblade that I have ever seen. It was made of purest gold and decorated with diamonds and all sorts of exotic jewels. Tim can tell that my eyes have caught sight of his great treasure, so he starts to explain.... "You see...my dear friend.. the secret to the most awesome shave, and and ulitmately, the perfect dome, lies within my own secrect headblade. The blades on my headblade never wear out and are always sharp and pristine because they are made of 100% pure diamonds. A little exotic, yes...but I have found that only through this ultimate shaving experience can you truly have the perfect, stuble-free dome. There is none other like it in the world."
I just sat there with my mouth wide open as I gazed upon this marvelous treasure and as I was sitting there it occurred to me that....
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This whole story has been a lie. I stomp to the door in a rage. As I walk down the sidewalks..i dont care who it is man, woman, child...i take the clippers to their heads. Thats right..the whole damn world is going to be bald by the time I make it to East coast. I reach down into my goodie bag and i pul lout a.............................................
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... road map. I needed to get out of this hellhole ASAP. A few moments later, I'd determined the best rout and the Raiderette and I were once again Philly-bound. It wouldn't be long until ....
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I'd be munchin on a cheesesteak. But before I do, I get an uncontrollable craving for BBQ and decide to make a pitstop in KC first to take care of my appetite. I think I've heard that there is a really SLY guy in KC that might be of some help to me in my quest to make the whole world SLY. I'm heading west on I-70 on my scooter when out of nowhere all the traffic comes to a complete halt. I look up ahead and in the distance....I think I can see....
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Janet ..the fat perfume lady standing in the all 6 lanes of the interstate.....handing out free samples of cheeseburgers. Im sorry to say but I have to turn this scooter around and head the other direction. The KC bbq is just gonna have to wait. With me and my gal on the back of my scooter...memories of this journey are flashing thru my mind...seeing all my sly buddies scrambling around trying to get the best shave possible......sorry BRO's ..but see this woman on the back of my scooter...She is all mine.....with her arms wrapped tightly around me adn teh music of Born to be wild plays in the back ground...we head off into the sunset......to an undisclosed location. BYE BYE! THE END!
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AS WE REJOIN OUR INTREPID DUO IN NEW ORLEANS. THEY SEEM TO BE ENJOYING JAZZFEST. WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE.................
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The elusive majic headblade appears attached to the rim of one of Jazz saxaphonist instruments at one of the outdoor cafes I am visiting. I recognize it quickly but I am puzzled how it could have made to New Orleans. It looks no worse for the wear. Thinking quickly, I jump from my seat at the cafe and...
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head over to the pub across the street to join in with my other sly bro's and work up a plan. How we ever going to get taht headblade from the Jazz Player without him noticing us. We all sit there quietly staring at each other, each one of them with their right hand on their newly fresh shaven noggins..rubbing it in deep thought, When suddenly PBurke jumps up....the table cloth is stuck in his pants and the table flips over sending mugs of beer flying across the room. PBurke stands there looks at the barmaid and says sorry ma'am but those guys over there will clean it up. Pointing at a huge crowd of full hair headed, over weight . Everyone runs outside...jumps on their scooters and wondering where we are going to go to next. Everyone just follows PBurke when he pulls into ..................
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An IHOP. He got the munchies and a craving for waffles and eggs. After we've had our fill of pancakes, back to the scooters as we head on to....
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Best buy to pick up one of those new iPod shuffles. The worlds smallest mp3 player. 120 songs and the size of a matchbook,pretty awesome.Clips right on the top of my shirt collar. While in Best Buy, I head to the Plasma TV's, and on the display there is a newscast. My jaw nearly falls off when on the screen,greeting me with his big pearly whites.is....
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Howie Mandel (ultimate SLY Guy spokesman) and he is holding a news conference to discuss "HIS" new invention: a souped up version of the Headblade with new and improved supersonic shaving power and a blade that never wears out, but continues to sharpen itself as you shave. And standing next to Howie at the news conference is....
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Jesse Ventura, former governeror of Minnesota and Jay Buhner former Seattle Mariner. Both have announced that they will help Howie promote this new version of HeadBlade. All three have announced that they have made a major investment in Todd Greene's company to take it to the next level.
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At the conclusion of news conference Jesse Ventura looks to the back of the room and motions someone to come forward. All eyes are turned as we see... to everyone's surprise....
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Janet, the Fat Purfume Girl who by this time has blimped up to 340 lbs by eating tons of Cold Stone Ice Cream. After Jesse Ventura motions to her, she is escorted to the stage by Sly wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bill Goldberg. Janet is crying uncontrollably since she knows she is a fat and can't marry Jerry Springer bouncer, Steve Wilkos. So the two wrestlers carry her up to the stage to be psychoanalyzed by sly psych, Keith Ablow. By this time I recognize that I need to get out of here since I might be held responsible for originally making Janet fat. So I did the only thing a self respecting sly guy would do and that is to head out of New Orleans and up to Seattle where I find.......
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......BIGFOOT......
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......but..once I realize who BIGFOOT is...I jump on my pink scooter and get the "Hell out of Seattle". After days of scooting along on the interstate, I decided I needed to take a rest and pull into this road side gas station, but a scratching my head...oh in which I need to tell you, I forgot to wear my tabogon and I didnt have my sunscreen with me and now head looks like a shiny red christmas bulb. Anyways I was scratching my head and tryin to figure out why on earth is this gas station sitting here in the middle of nowhere and the gas pumps read $1.19. Yes, I said it right ...$1.19 a GALLON, not teaspoon, but gallon. I put my key in my gas cap and as I open it you can hear the suction noise of the air rushing in..man I was almost empty..I think I was running on vapors. I insert the nosel, pull the trigger.........pull the trigger......flip the switch.....flip the switch again....pull the trigger......kick the gas pump, kicks it again. SUDDENLY I feel the ground shaking, the earth is opening up. OK im gettin scared at this time Boys, all i can imagine, it was HER. But wait...whats that? Ihear voice, a beep then a voice, a voice of an old lady..rough old lady, one that sounds like she has her mouth full of food and a cigarette......Please pay for your gas before pumping. I turn and look inside the gas station. Im like "WHAT IN THE HELL?" The wind is blowing, dust in the air, my mouth getting dry because of the dust and being that my jaw was resting in the ground because I cant believe what I am witnessing. I see a sign, yes a sign......HUGE SIGN. STONE COLD CREAMERY. Behind the counter, in some silly ass looking uniform is PBurke....serving up this huge bowl of icecream to no other than Warhawk. I run to the building, forgetting to put my kickstand down, my scooter falls to the ground. I turn look at it...say ahh hell with it. Im greeted with a big Hey BRO how the hell are you doing and a big hand shake from both. I proceeded to tell them about this HUGE lady who comes and attacks people who are sitting in ColdStone's. Warhawks eyes basically pop out of his eyes, he is excited...Like ohhh goodie goodie Pburke..we gonna have another customer..can I serve her can I , can I ,huhh huh...please Pburke can I can I? "SIT DOWN! Warhawk "Pburke says. I continue to tell them, that they must seek shelter and protection because this lady is mean. I left Seattle and that was the last time I seen her. I have no idea where I am even at. I look at Warhawk and he is like man you dont know where you are even at? Im like ummmm nope and all i have is like $5 in my pocket and my tank is empty and all I want is some gas and a soda. Warhawk has this sheepish grin on his face and as I glance up to Pburke, I notice he is growing larger and larger, I step back. Pburke turns around and rips a mask off of his face........................
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and its really Tyler!!! I scream and....
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I was like Holy sh*t...now what am I gonna do I need to make a quick getaway. I look across the room and I see a CD player sittin on the counter. I rush over to it..press play and ...the song...it was the song..ITS RAINING MEN! So i begin my dance moves...rip my tear away chipendales pants off to reveal my RED AND WHITE SHORTS! Tylers eyes begin to grow dark. Warhawk....couldnt get his icecream down fast enough. To my amazement...waht do i see before me . I stop dead in my tracks, bend down to gather my pants keeping my eye on both of them as they turn into..not one...but two...Fat perfume ladies. She has grown so large she is now formed two bodies. WHAT! she only has three feet? As she moves from behind the counter I notice she gives a whole new meaning to having a third leg. LOL Im totally freaked out at this point and I make a mad dash for the door ( grabbing a snickers bar on the way out....damn Richard is going to kill me for this one) The fat perfume lady reaches into her "pouche" and pulls out a bottle of aerosol Rogaine and tries to stop me. I get to my scooter and there sitting on the seat is a note. I pick it up and I cant understand what it is saying. The spelling is all wrong..im like what numbnuts wrote this...as Im scratching my still sunburnt head i get to the end of the note and it is signed.....................
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.........???? ok who is next?? intermission has lasted 2 days here...................
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by Richard Simmons, he's mad as hell and wants his shorts back. But ain't no way he's getting these babies back, so I jump on my scooter and I'm off to....
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Romano's Macaroni Grill. I figured that Richard Simmons would not be caught dead there because of the high calorie count of the food. So I proceeded to order a plate of pasta and the waitress brings me some bread with some olive oil for dipping. At this point I happen to see the Raderettes as they sultry saunter my way. They then start applying the olive oil to my silky, smooth, sly dome. Then one of them asks, "Can I.....
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Have a bite of your macaroni?
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I suddenly realize Im just sitting at my breakfast table at my house and Wow what a wicked dream that was.....the sun rays are beamin thru the window as it is rising above the mts in my back yard....the birds are churping, Jdawg is riding down the hill on a moped with red and white shorts on, the sounds of the country in the back ground looking at the clock..thinking im gonna be late for work....Jdawg...still going down the hill.....the scent of fresh baked cinnamon rolls wift thru the ............SCREEEEEEEEEEETCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHOOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! JDAWG What THE HELL YOU DOING....Riding around like that...get your ass outta my .......................
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Red and white striped shorts (sorry Jesse). So off he goes on the moped toward...
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ORANGE COUNTY TO GET THE PINK BIKE WITH THE CHROME HANDEL BARS A COMPLETE MAKE OVER! maybe even get a icecream box attached to it so that
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I can start a new line of work as a Good Humor Ice Cream man. As I turn on my bells, Janet, the fat perfume chick starts turning her head around like Linda Blair in the Exorcist and growls......"FEED ME". I am scared for my life so I feel obliged to do that. Meanwhile, the guy, who I held hostage and had escaped is stationed at a neighboring overpass with a firehose of Rogaine solution pointed at my vehicle. While he had hoped that dousing me with Rogaine would make my head hairy, he missed my head and made my beard grow really long and my body get hairier. He instead doused Janet, the Fat perfume chick with the majority of the solution. At this point, Janet started to get chest and other body hair. At that point, I said to her, "I am going to give you some revenge and wax you more than your bikini line". I then shouted "This is for all the hairy bodied men everywhere who waxed their body for their wife, girlfriend or life partner." Meanwhile, Helga, the overweight Swedish therapist, started waxing Janet's body (or was that really James?). As Janet was screaming in pain because of getting waxed, Porky and myself started to play ZZ Top songs on guitars that were in Janet's car. We commented that we looked like sly versions of ZZ Top. We then enlisted Robmeister (former drummer for Lechen Grey ) to be our drummer. As we left the carnage of Janet's waxing, Robbie, Porky and myself went to Morehead City, NC to attend the annual conference of the Bald Headed Men of America. While there, we provided the entertainment. At this point someone said to us.....
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...you guys are good! Why don't you form a band and call yourself ZZ Topless! Since you are very sly! So after we enterntained that thought we formed a the band! and now we..........
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Are getting airplay on all major media outlets as we have now become ambassadors for the sly movement. But before we embark on a major tour, we decide to go home for Christmas to be with our families. But before we do that, we head up to North Pole, Alaska, outside of Fairbanks and go to Santa Claus House and visit Santa. While there we convince him to definately keep the white beard, but to cut off that fringe. As a result, Santa decides to visit all the good bald men's homes and put a HeadBlade in their stockings. But with people like Donald Trump, he puts a lump of coal in his stockings and magically makes the value of his stock deflated. At this point, Donald then screams.........
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"ALL THE WOMEN ARE GETTING A CHEAP PEARL NECKLACE and all you lazy apprentice's get a pair of CHEAP SUNGLASSES so just maybe you can all be SHARP DRESSED MEN !" SO... Porky, SANTA, Robmiester, all jumped into the famous ZZ TOPLESS COUPE and headed back out of fairbanks. BEFORE getting on the turnpike the decided to stop ath the local ALLGREENS to pick up some extra BALD GUY products for the trip , and blades for the few HEADBLADE razors they have left. well upon entering ALLGREENS , who should they run into in the headblade Isle , SINEAD OCONNER ! Well "SIN" as she asked to be called asked where we were headed , and could she grab a lift? we discussed it and said sure , BUT YA HAVE TO
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....leave the Pope out of it. Sinead sheepishly agreed under one condition....
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that he remove his yamika, and lift his robeand PROVE TO THE WORLD that
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that even though I am celibate....I still love women.....in which he exposes his inner thighs with a tattoo of the likeness of the Fat Perfume Lady. The crowd that had gathered around to catch a glimpse of the Pope run off in a massive stampede. The gate that leads out of the Holy city has been barricaded. The villagers are climbing the walls trying to get out, screaming and fighting at one another. NO FEAR TIMMJ is here on his pink scooter and his "Flaming Red and Whites" ( lol i pissin myself here) backs his scooter down about three blocks. Puts it in first gear...lays on the gas and burns rubber heading for the 8 ft tall iron gate. Timmj is flying at super sonic speed when suddenly........................................
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YALL ARE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR PICKING ON THE POPE. YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
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SEE YA THERE BURKIE! LOL
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Timmj is flying at super sonic speed when suddenly........................................
He is struck by lightening. Yep, Divine retribution for pickin' on the pope. He crumbles in a smoldering heap right at the gates and the huge crowd erupts in raucous applause, moving as one towards TimmJ's lifeless corpse.
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Guess this is the ending of the Never Ending Story???
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Now our story is starting to make sense. Earlier it had been written in a "first person" stance. But yes, it was TimmJ who first put the sly guy in his basement and made him a hostage. As for Porky and Robmeister, the other members of ZZ Topless, they performed with Sinead O'Conner at the funeral of TimmJ while Santa and the Pope officiated. As for Janet, the Fat Perfume Chick, she had to have laser hair removal for all the hair on her body and became a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers after losing 300 lbs on it. She now lives in Seattle and is now the buyer for perfumes for Nordstrom.
Porky became a trucker and Robbie became a cop and did financial counseling on the side. Both of them became leading spokesmen for the Sly Movement.
All of our cast of characters went home and had a nice Christmas with their families.
But the moral of this story is: sly or not, be content and happy with yourself. Yes, try to improve but realize that while someone else may supposedly look better or be richer, etc, all of us have our issues and weaknesses and struggles. So you don't really know what is going on inside of someone's brain.
With this, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, and all the other Winter Holidays!
BYE BYE!
To be continued??????
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Robbie became a cop and did financial counseling on the side.
Someone's been paying attention.....someone cares :'(
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WOW Marsh! That was awesome....we will just have to start a sequal....anyone game?...some one else start it out first....
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Timmj is flying at super sonic speed when suddenly........................................
He is struck by lightening. Yep, Divine retribution for pickin' on the pope. He crumbles in a smoldering heap right at the gates and the huge crowd erupts in raucous applause, moving as one towards TimmJ's lifeless corpse.
Now our story is starting to make sense. Earlier it had been written in a "first person" stance. But yes, it was TimmJ who first put the sly guy in his basement and made him a hostage. As for Porky and Robmeister, the other members of ZZ Topless, they performed with Sinead O'Conner at the funeral of TimmJ while Santa and the Pope officiated. As for Janet, the Fat Perfume Chick, she had to have laser hair removal for all the hair on her body and became a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers after losing 300 lbs on it. She now lives in Seattle and is now the buyer for perfumes for Nordstrom.
Porky became a trucker and Robbie became a cop and did financial counseling on the side. Both of them became leading spokesmen for the Sly Movement.
All of our cast of characters went home and had a nice Christmas with their families.
But the moral of this story is: sly or not, be content and happy with yourself. Yes, try to improve but realize that while someone else may supposedly look better or be richer, etc, all of us have our issues and weaknesses and struggles. So you don't really know what is going on inside of someone's brain.
With this, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, and all the other Winter Holidays!
BYE BYE!
To be continued??????
18 years later, an overwieght oger came to visit the pope to seek devine wisdom and pray for a change in its appearance. The pope, seeing this person and trying to figure out if it was a man blob or a female blob, told of the inspirering story of Janet, the fat Perfume Chick. With a feeling of hope, he left the pope and passed through the gates. Flashing in his mind was images of a pink scooter and a bright light. As he walked he felt something ushering him towards a loose brick in the cobblestone walkway. Curious, he lifted the brick and to his amazement, found a pair of red and white shorts still intact but with a hint of a charcoal smell. These shorts were familiar to him, and curly headed Richard began to see the memories of Sly Bald Guys and a morgue. The awe inspiring visions (pink scooter) helped him to set a goal for his future, a hunger for a new life, a need to slim down to fit into those shorts, jump around with fat chicks, and join a forum where he could learn to shave his head and create a deceptive profile with the name of TimmJ..............
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BUT INSTEAD...The ogar being a materistic femminist, decided to somehow try to make a proft off of his find and the be able to provide electrollis and eyecare for OGARS all over the world contacted good ol Donny Trump to bank roll the reunion of Z.Z. TOPLESS ! so O.G. and Donny managed to get in touch with Santa, The Robster and P.P.PORKY , who just happend to have "SIN" polishing the wheelz on his fleet of 69 semi's, P.'s in the process of getting more semi's to bump his fleet to 77 trucks , cuz then ya get "eight" more!. SO... 20 years to the week , TRUMP enterprizes announced the REUNION TOUR of Z.Z. TOPLESS with a opening act of SIN CITY SANTA AND HIS
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Then suddenly he woke up.....asking himself...was that a dream or a nightmare I just had. But wait....where am I? Why am I in this back yard, there's a bbq grill cooking something that smells mighty fine...and a cooler?? Hmm wonders what is in there. Opens it up to find some brew .. Hmmm Think I will pop one open right here...guzzle guzzle...tahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....damn that taste good. But wait...who is that in the window....Nahhhhhhhhh cant be....is it? shakes head....it is...its CHAMP!!!....Jumps up and down..CHAMP its me TIMMJ.....CHAMP!....CHAMP who you in there with??? CHAMP! To my amazement...its the Fat Perfume lady knocking on his door. WHAT! She is trying to sell him something! NO CHAMP NO! DONT LET HER IN! CHAMP. ITS A HOAX..she is coming to look for me. CHAMP NO NO NO!
I sneak around the front of the house...I see the scooter the fat perfume lady is on...hmmmmmmmmm.......what if I start it up...she will hear it then come running out side to save her scooter. VVVVVVVVRROOOOOOOOOOOOOM! VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVAROOOOMMMMMMMMM! ...damn this sounds good! As scared as I was ..I look up and there she is. Im praying Champ has realized what is going on and he will save me from this poor soul. With each step of her thunder thighs....the ground shakes. BOMMM BOOMMMM BOOOMMMM ...CHAMP! CHAMP!
Champ emerges from depths of hell she just put him thru. He is standing at the door and what the hell did she do to him. She has got him all duck taped up. Even though Im scared shitless at this moment I fall to the ground and break out in the biggest laughter. CHAMP.....CHAMP has got the red and whites wrapped around his head. The fat perfume lady falls to the ground.. She begins to roll down the hill out into the street. With each revolution of her rolling...she losses and article of clothing...I cover my eyes.......Champ standing there silently..not being able to say a word....tears streaming down his face...( I dont know if they are tears of laughter or did she really work him over) I glance back over to the Fat perfume lady, OMGISH! Her body is splitting open. SHE DOESNT EVEN HAVE A REAL BODY! To my amazement..............It is SlYinKC dressed up as the fat perfume lady...
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As it turns out, SlyinKC (being the take-charge kind of guy that he is) had decided to take it upon himself to take care of the fat perfume lady once and for all. He knew that the only way to do this would be to go "undercover" and actually disguise himself as the dreaded "fat perfume lady" Sly (in KC) had heard through the SBG grapevine that Champ007 had been secretly harboring the fat villaness in his Georgia mansion. He knew that if he could trick Champ into thinking he was the real perfume lady, Champ might give away the secret to her powers. He knew that he was taking a big risk and that if he were found out, his very life might be in danger.
Armed with an extra large "fat suit", SLY had made his way from KC to Georgia in hopes of putting a final end to the misery that had been spread across the entire United States. As a back-up, he had borrowed the famed "Red and Whites" from Timmj, knowing that if something went wrong and he was put in a position of needing to defend himself, the "Red and Whites" were the only things he knew of that were even more repulsive than the fat perfume lady herself.
Everything was going as planned.....until, right in the middle of SLY's encounter with Champ007, Timmj decided to show up unexpectedly. Timmj's distraction almost blew the whole carefully laid scheme. Seeing that he would need to make a quick get-away, SLY ran from Champ's Georgia mansion hoping to escape Champ's deadly lair.
Sheding the fat suit, SLY ran from the mansion and to the nearby interstate. Luckily, just as he got to the edge of the fast moving traffic, a long dark limo pulled up on the shoulder of the highway and out came...
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Tyler. Tyler was out gathering up all the SBG guys to try to form a group to help defend the site from the Fat Perfume Lady ( have we ever given this lady a name? if not Puddin' sounds good). This lady has already terrorized half this group and it was time to put a stop to it. She has done nothing but caused problems after problems.
Sly jumps in the limo and he doesnt know if he is excited about getting away from Puddin' or finally getting to meet Tyler. Sly realizes he now knows what the Beverly Hillbillies felt like when they moved into the mansion. SLY rubbing the suede seats and is astounded by the lights in the ceiling of this limo. The two are sitting there enjoying a nice conversation as they are cruising down the interstate when SLY notices the Wii Tyler had set up in the Limo. Just as Sly was reachign for the controller there is a sudden crashing sound in the Limo. Apparently, Puddin' jumped from an overpass and is now riding on top of the limo. The limo now bent in the middle is scrapping metal next to the pavement and sparks are flying everywhere. Tyler suggest to the limo driver to slam on the brakes to throw her off. The brakes were applied and the sudden force of Puddin hitting the pavement caused a huge creator to form and the limo is dragged into this creator that seems to go to heaven knows where.. As Puddin was flying off the limo she grabs the opening of the sunroof and the limo is swallowed into this hole. The Limo travelign deeper and deeper into the earth. Tyler and SLY are both holding onto each other in total fright as the limo finally hits bottom. SLY peers his head out the top and looks around and there is no site of Puddin anywhere....but he hears music.....unfimiluar music....but calming. Tyler emerges from the trunk lid of limo while holding a tire iron...he wants SLY to make sure it is safe to get out. SLy argues with him.....Tyler you have the tire iron...all i got are these red and whites. Tyler suggest SLY toss the red and whites in front of him to ward off any evil forces and possibly Puddin'. They both ....still holding onto each other..walk towards the music. They hear laughter...evil laughter...but they are still curious. As they walk around to the opening of this tunnel where the music is coming from....much to their surprise....They see a crowd of freshly shaven noggins...........................
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All these Sly Guys are being hypnotized by the wonderful music of ZZ Topless. Unfortunately, we find that Puddin, aka Fat Perfume Chick, whose real name is Janet Reno Jr, is playing a CD of ZZ Topless with subliminal messages. By doing this, she is trapping all the sly guys and making them grow their hair. Some of them are contemplating awful hair cuts like, mullets, white man's fros, and combovers. Janet shouts, "Timmay, Tyler!!!!! I just want to bear your love child!!!!. Frightened by such a fate that is worse than death, they pelt Janet Reno Jr, with Costco Pizza. Janet is momentarily dazed by the onslaught of high fat foods. She then inhales a whole combo pizza in 8 seconds flat. Timmay, now in his red and whites gathers a army of Costco sample ladies, who pelt Janet with all sorts of yummy treats. Tyler then tries to bring Timmay back to his senses. Tyler then says, "Don't you see that food just increases the strength of this beast. If she catches us, she will either have her wicked way with us and/or make us grow hair back and have bad hair styles for the rest of our lives!". So at this point they try to make Janet lose weight by throwing diet supplements at her. When that didn't work, they threw prunes, bran, Chocolate Exlax and Lay's WOW chips with Olestra (the kind that casuses digestive disruptions...need I say more?) at her. By this time we see light coming from the other side of the crater and......
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We now pause for a commercial break from our sponsor. Hair Club for Men!..............OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! Shame shame....where is tivo when you need it..
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What?
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Just a lil humor JDog...Just a lil Humor...dont get your panties in a bundle...
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Tim, you obviously missed the joke. My post of "What" was meant to fit into the story. I guess it went straight over your bald melon
And frankly sir, I am offended at the insinuation that I wear panties. I wear boxer shorts.
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LOL.....oh well ..for the time being....you wear panties.....
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hey guyz BOTH of ya get your "redn whities" unbunched and get BACK to the story , PLEAZE ? i miss the muzak !
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By this time we see light coming from the other side of the crater and......
Tyler and Timmay pull out their shades too see the image of someone walking into the room. What! Who is that? The light is so bright! We squint even harder and harder and what do we see....why its Jenny Craig. She walks over to this Janet Reno or who ever she is and scolds her for trying to take over the SBG forum and making us all grow hair. Jenny Craig sits on top of Janet, pinning her down and arms us all with razors. As we are all kneeling down to take a shot at her....JDog...not knowing we had everythign undercontrol....bust thru the wall on a pink scooter displaying the red adn whites and runs right over Janets head. There are tire tread marks across her forhead...and as Jenny notices this...she begins laughing uncontrolably....the treads actually leave words imprinted into her forehead which read...............................
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I am the love child of Telly Savalas and Momma Cass. For Jenny, this explains the love/hate relationship that Janet has had with sly guys and it explains her food addiction struggles.
As a result, Jenny gets Janet introduced to spokeswoman, Valerie Bertinelli. Valerie, who was formerly married to rocker Eddie VanHalen is serving as a mentor to Janet to help her lose weight. Because of her connections to the Rock and Roll world, Valerie arranges a concert with Letchen Grey and ZZ Topless and Janet is slated to be one of the background singers.
Valerie, whose new boyfriend is Tom Vitale, who is also a sly guy, is trying to convince Janet that she must be nice to sly guys. That she can't be nice to them at one minute and then mean and vengeful the next minute. Valerie introduces Janet to Tom. Janet then screams and says...........
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We now take a break from our never ending story to show the sly world Valerie's sly boyfriend!
http://www.famoushookups.com/site/celebrity_profile.php?celebid=1915&name=Tom_Vitale
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SEEEEEEEEEE!!! I KNEW SHE HAD A THING FOR BALD HEADS!.....that guy was just filling in for me....lol I had to work that night....so hey....what can ya say...
Timmayy!
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I am the love child of Telly Savalas and Momma Cass. For Jenny, this explains the love/hate relationship that Janet has had with sly guys and it explains her food addiction struggles.
As a result, Jenny gets Janet introduced to spokeswoman, Valerie Bertinelli. Valerie, who was formerly married to rocker Eddie VanHalen is serving as a mentor to Janet to help her lose weight. Because of her connections to the Rock and Roll world, Valerie arranges a concert with Letchen Grey and ZZ Topless and Janet is slated to be one of the background singers.
Valerie, whose new boyfriend is Tom Vitale, who is also a sly guy, is trying to convince Janet that she must be nice to sly guys. That she can't be nice to them at one minute and then mean and vengeful the next minute. Valerie introduces Janet to Tom. Janet then screams and says...........
You wench.....how could you? Tom was supposed to be my date for the prom. Tommy baby, did you dump me because I have a love hate relationshp with Sly guys? Or is it because I now have the looks, breath and mannerisms of Shrek?
After Janet babbled incoherently after making this statement, the members of ZZ Topless escaped into the land of Narnia and......
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They found that Narnia was covered with white sheet...or is that sheets? hehehehe
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Location:Washington,IN police station. Captain Donald Turtle and his deputy Raymond Ruprecht are interviewing TimmJ for alleged baring of his behind to passing motorist.
Turtle: "Sir do you admit that you committed these acts of indecency"?
TimmJ: "Officer, I was standing nude in my front yard and bent down to pick up my newspaper, I hardly classify that as showing my behind to motorist"
Ruprecht: "Why were you standing nude in your front yard at 7am?"
TimmJ: "Officer I enjoy feeling the cool air on my testicles,What is wrong with that"
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Im just so embarassed that this actually got out....
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Im just so embarassed that this actually got out....
Blame The Blotter in The Washington Time Herald. It is all public knowledge
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WTF R U guyz talkin' about.. :/O
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Never mind Tom...its nothing
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WTF R U guyz talkin' about.. :/O
Don't mind them Tom, they're just a little :px with a side of :/O
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OOOOPSS ...hold up Tyler....I just sneezed and my gum flew out and hit you in the back of that slick noggin........
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While Letchen Grey and ZZ Topless made their escape into Narnia, Janet, aka "The Fat Perfume Chick" had lapsed into the dream that we just witnessed where Timmay had ventured outside in his birthday suit. Meanwhile some of the members of the SBG forum started having mercy on her for a moment and one brave member actually adminstered mouth to mouth to Janet thinking that she had suffered a heart attack or stroke. When she woke up, she stuck her tongue into the mouth of this unsuspecting soul. Who is this mystery good Samaritan? We can't tell you in this installment of The Never Ending Story. But we will tell you that this sly guy started to spew chunks and hurled. What will happen to him and Janet.....tune in later for more!
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LOL....Marsh... I know you arent talking about me...because I didnt blow chunks....lol
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Ya got some guilt going on Timmay? :popo
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nope...i errupted...but no chunks
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While the mystery sly guy had to be taken by ambulance to a mental health facility after the encounter with Janet, the other sly guys started marching in lockstep towards Janet with their HeadBlades lifted high in the air. At this point 1,000 additional sly guys in Utilikilts made a charge towards Janet in a attempt to subdue her and put her back into the professional care of Jenny Craig. I should mention they the Utilikilt guys went "commando". Janet knowing this started to pelt Rogaine toward all these sly guys when.......Timmay erupted. When this happened.......
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Timmay rips off his Utilikilt and pulls out his machine gun and starts firing blanks at Janet. Even with blanks the site of what was seen was terrible enough to make Janet do an about face and start running. One step...two step....three step....with each step the earth would tremble. Everyone froze with their jaws hanging open. Janet was furious! With each step the stomp was stronger than the last one. Buildings started to crumble, trees were shaking. Then all of a sudden it stops........................quiet..............................no a sound to be heard..............everyone was frozen. Then right before our very eyes.......Jer..............................
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WTF R U guyz talkin' about.. :/O
I think the patients are taking over the asylum T.
Don't mind them Tom, they're just a little :px with a side of :/O
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Timmay rips off his Utilikilt and pulls out his machine gun and starts firing blanks at Janet. Even with blanks the site of what was seen was terrible enough to make Janet do an about face and start running. One step...two step....three step....with each step the earth would tremble. Everyone froze with their jaws hanging open. Janet was furious! With each step the stomp was stronger than the last one. Buildings started to crumble, trees were shaking. Then all of a sudden it stops........................quiet..............................no a sound to be heard..............everyone was frozen. Then right before our very eyes.......Jer..............................
Jer, our very own, Sly Canadian customs agent has Janet deported to her native Canada. Upon hearing this all the members at the Sly Bald Worldwide Con sent up a cheer, except for the Canadian contingent. But Jer quieted them down saying that Janet will be exiled to Iqaluit, Nunavut in the Canadian arctic. Plus she will be fitted with a tracking device much like what inmates wear....or Polar Bears, since Janet's figure is like the bears.
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The End
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DOG20...you do not have the authority to end this story......sorry bro lol
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Suddenly....out of nowhere...there was silence all across the land. Complete silence, an eary silence. Thinking back when my grandmother use to say....you should only be worried when it gets really quiet during a storm...because it always gets the most quiet before things really start getting bad. "The Quiet Before The Storm".
....a few minutes have passed. No one is seen. The streets are empty. All the cars and trucks..sitting idle. The street lights are stuck on red. Not so much as a siren even going off. What is happening. Am I deaf? Am I about to die? The ground begins to shake. Dust is blowing up from the cracks of the streets. A loud roaring noise is taking over. Its so loud and deafing. I would turn to run...but where do I go? There is no where. All the doors are locked. As I turn back around...right before me...standing as tall as a 3 story building is....................................
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the stay puff perfume lady. she has grown to mammoth proportions. she seems to be mumbling something. i can quite make it out. oh, i understand what she wants now..........................
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She wants to be sent out on a cruise. So Timmay arranged for that. Since she was in the Canadian Arctic, Janet was tranquilized and flung upon a iceberg not only 3 stories high but as huge as Manhattan. The sheer magnitude of her weight caused this ice sheet to break off. So we now know that Janet is causing global warming. This was NOT quite the all expense paid cruise that Janet had hoped for. But she was supplied with Taco Doritos, Ding Dongs and bottled water.
But the sly guys are not worried about this, as ominous as this seems, Timmay was able to steer the giant ice sheet away from St. John's, Newfoundland , where it had floated to and up towards Greenland. By doing this, Janet was not able to unleash her revenge against the Sly Bald Guys.
Since disaster was averted, the Sly Bald Guys went on their way to continue on their mission....to get rid of comb overs, plugs and drugs. Plus the Sly Guys went on to spread the news far and wide that having pride in yourself and not needing hair to do it is the way to go. In this mission, several of the younger members of Sly Bald Guys picked up the torch and spread this message.
One of these members, Time2Shine, was at work in Seattle at the headquarters of the former Washington Mutual (WaMu). As he entered the building, he noticed an exodus of troubled bankers with comb overs. With JP Morgan Chase taking over, there will be quite a few layoffs and these men will be looking for jobs. So in the spirit of trying to help, Time2Shine, aka Trevor, set up a Sly Bald Guys transformation booth. At this booth, he buzzed off the comb overs, shaved them down to bald and provided fashion tips in terms of being Sly and looking for employment.
All was going well............
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Until.......from around the corner comes this giant iceburg....wait...what is that on the front? No it cant be. It is ...its Timmay in his red and whites with his Hot Dog stand. Janet sitting behind him with hotdogs coming out of every orfice on her body. Timmay looks worried. Wait....what is he saying? I think he needs some help. I cant quit understand what he is saying. All I hear is "PLEASE...................................
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Pass the mustard! :*))
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Ironhorse...hearing my request runs into the deli on the corner and grabs a handful of mustard packs. He lays them in a straight line right in our path. As the iceburg rolls over the packets, mustard squirts up into the eyes of Janet. Acting like godzilla, Janets arms begin to fling all around grabing hotdogs out of her orfices and flinging them like swords at innocent bystanders.
It is total chaos on the streets. People running for their lives. Then suddenly out from behind the corner laundry mat appears Warhawk. He has the latest style of "the red and whites" on. Armed with empty hotdog buns, he is catching the hotdogs as they soar thru the air. Time2Shine runs over, tackles warhawk. Warhawk starts throwing hotdogs at Time2Shine but that isnt what he wants....he wants...........
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6-TIME HOT DOG EATING CHAMPION: Takeru Kobayashi!!!! He is our only hope!
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Amazing as it seems, the iceberg that Janet was on survived going all the way around the Americas and was still intact when it arrived in Seattle. Takeru Kobayashi, in the meantime ate all the hotdogs that Janet flung at people.
Meanwhile Time2Shine had an idea. Maybe we could get Janet so hyper that she will get so tired that she would go into a coma. That way, she could be exiled to Arctic Canada again. Knowing that Janet had a weakness for chocolate and since Seattle is the headquarters for Starbucks, 150 Double Mocha Chip Frapuccinos were ordered for her. Janet consumed these drinks in less than 4 minutes flat!
Meanwhile "The Twist" by Chubby Checker was being played on the sound system. So Janet frantically started doing the twist. When she was done, she passed out and was temporarily flung up to the top of the Space Needle, where she would be helicoptored back to Arctic Canada.
When this happened, the Hooters Girls, The Seattle Sea Gals offered free head shaves to the Sly and non Sly alike.
Meanwhile during this Victory parade in Downtown Seattle, Timmay, in his red and whites was being chased by none other than Richard Simmonds! But it was not to get his red and whites back. Richard was feeling sorry for Janet and demanded that she be set free from her temporary perch on the Space Needle.
Meanwhile, Marsh, Andrew, JohnMont, Booted Bear, Pig Pen, Robmeister had an alternative plan. It started when Robmeister said........"
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......"Hey, you guyz.....we need an alternative plan."
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Smore's with staypuft marshmallows!!!!!!!!!
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It was at this point, that Tyler, the founder of Sly Bald Guys, woke up from what was a strange and twisted dream. Much like Bob Newhart waking up with Suzanne Pleshette at the last episode of Newhart....realizing that the Newhart show was bascially a dream and that he was still in Chicago and that he was not a innkeeper in Vermont.
So with this Tyler got up and out of bed and made breakfast for his lovely wife and started telling her about this dream. "Honey....what does this dream mean.....I have marshmallows all over my hands. By the way, is your friend, Janet, still working at the perfume counter at Nordstorm? Just do me a favor, don't let any bald guys piss her off. Or have her piss them off. Tell her not to overeat. In this dream, she pissed off some Sly Guys and they fed her food and she just blimped up!!!! I am serious....!!!!!!! She went from being HOT to being NOT!!!!!!!!."
With that statment, Tyler's wife called up a dream specialist.
TO BE CONTINUED????????
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lollllllllll marshd1000 Posted on: Today at 10:45:52 PM
:*))
Well i'm not going to ruin this story. I will let somebody else do
the next part, but man I have been enjoying this so much. lol what a
great place to be.
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Well the dream specialist was a complete idiot.....so not only did Malou (Tyler's lovely wife) want every penny of her money back, but this so-called "specialist" really screwed up Tyler's sleep patterns to the point where when Tyler gets up in the middle of the night to take a friggen leak, he ends up.....
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...."doing his business" in a flower pot in the corner of their room while singing zip-a-dee-doo-dah. After a few weeks of this Tyler and his wife started to smell something coming from the corner. Plus Tyler's wife couldn't understand why should could not get the song zip-a-dee-doo-dah out of her head. So after investigating the room they threw the flower pot out figuring the smell was coming from one of the pets using the bathroom in it. Well, the next day when they found the floor soaking wet in the corner of the room they were baffled. So they thought the best thing to do was...
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Get rid of Misha, the cat that they had been catsitting for Marshall. Well, Marsh came and got Misha. But the problem for Tyler and Malou continued. The smell got worse. So Malou set up a hidden camera and found that Tyler was sleepwalking and thinking that the corner where the flower pot had been was the bathroom. Well, in the meantime, a cat box with clumping litter was set up for Tyler. But this was not an acceptable solution. So another dream specialist was called in. After being analyzed, the specialist suggested that Tyler grow his hair back. Tyler and Malou screamed.....OH NO!!!!!!!!!! NOT THAT. Since they were in crisis, they called in Rob, Timmay and Marsh for help to try to avert the crisis. As they arrived at Tyler's household, Malou's friend from the Nordstrom perfume counter arrived with a confused look on her face.............
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YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SEEN. There are 5 sly guys walking in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and they have Janet up in the air. She is knocking down street lights and taking top stories off of buildings. The whole town is complete mess. The guys thought that if they snag her on something it would let her air out...but instead as teh air rushed out there was a huge burst of air that sent them all flying. Warhawk is hanging off of times square marquee...Pburke has his ass pushed thru the dunkin donuts sign.....SlyInKC has been blown thru the Victoria's secret living display window and has a pair of thongs wrapped around his head, Time2shine was blown ontop of the Statue Of Liberty and he is up there singing some song from ...........
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Just a pause in the story for clarification. I am kind of confused Timmay, Janet (who is the perfume counter gal at Nordstrom) just walked in. So what happened between that and her becoming a hot air balloon in the Macy's parade?
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i dunno i guess you had a brain fart
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Well, Janet, Malou's friend from the Nordstrom perfume counter, was acting weird as she was referring to her self in the 3rd person. But this was the result of being in shock over seeing herself represented as a balloon in the Macy's Parade. All of a sudden Janet started to spazz out and said to Tyler, "you look terrible, just like those morons who were guiding that balloon in the Macy's Parade.' "They were all BALD and were making fun of me!" "Tyler, you need to grow your hair back....NOW!!!!!!" With this Tyler and Malou were comforted by Rob, Timmay and Marsh, who took them on a trip to Florida to Miami so the influences to grow the hair back would be gone. When they got there to go to the beach, they somehow strayed off the beaten path and found the local nude beach. At this point, they were all in shock and in awe as Timmay threw the dreaded "red and whites" into the Atlantic Ocean screaming...."I'm free!!!!!!!!". Meanwhile, Tyler, Malou, Rob and Marshall immediately got sick and had to hurl!!!!!!
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Timmay just kept running straight for the water in all his glory, he could see the guys back on shore. He just couldnt hear what they were doing for the crashing of the waves onto the beach. Timmay is starting to feel really odd when he notices people along the beach bending over and heaving. Suddenly in the depths of the water..he can feel the temperature getting colder and colder. The once crystal clear water started to turn a shade of dark brown then black. The water begins to boil as it were hot. Up out of the water surfaces this huge dark massive hunk of ..........JANET! she has seaweed and kelp all over her body and she is waving her arms in the air as if she was some sort of lochNess monster. Timmay standing there...cupping his lil pee pee...scared to death...turns to look at all the guys on shore. AS he turns he and feel teh wind blowing across his back. It felt funny...like somethign was on his back. As he stands there...Janet burst out into laughter as Timmay is standing there. Timmay is really confused at this time. He reaches his arm behind him as much as he can and notices there is a huge patch of hair on his back. Timmay's eyes get as big as bowling balls as he discovers that the patch is in the form of .......................
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a cryptic message. It read, "Yul, you will be no more. With intoxication of my minoxidil elixir. You will have a growing hair fixer. Bowling balls be gone. Sly is so, so wrong.". This message was sprouting all over the backside of Timmay's nude body. Just the sight of that was already making people at the nude beach quite ill. But when Tyler read that message, he screamed and was wishing he was back at home to do his thing in the cat box. Meanwhile, Malou screamed at Janet and said, "Tyler was right...you were so hot, but now you are so NOT!!!!!!!!!". At this point, Janet, Malou's former friend started to fling globs of wet sand at Malou, not realizing that Malou was also a Ninja Fighter, and a good one at that. Malou was mad as hell for she realized that Janet had hexed Tyler and that is why he was having the bad dream and the "catbox/flowerpot" problem. So with that, Malou did her first move on Janet, which was........
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she gently walked over to Janet. Looking way up high to try to see her eye to eye. Janet was so large standing there in front of Malou. Malou wasnt going to back down...no not this time. SHe was going to follow thru to protect her sweet innocent lil Ty. Malou takes about 5 steps back...rakes her left foot as though she was a raging bull...and makes a fast approach to Janet. As she nears Janet..she pulls her head down as though she was going to head butt Janet. Right before contact with Janets knees Malou ...makes an abrupt stop because.....
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Her contact lenses got lost in the sand.
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But...Janet's friend , Wanita who works at the Waffle house came to the rescue. While laying out in the sun munching on Dorito's notices something on her chip. Its a contact! SHe jumps up and down all excited proclaiming that she found the "Golden Ticket" she is going to go see Willy Wonka!
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Janet, who has an extreme addiction to chocolate, gets distracted by this announcement of finding the Willy Wonka golden ticket. Janet thinks that her and Wanita are going to visit the chocolate factory. As this happened, Gene Wilder, who played Willy Wonka in the movie happened to be at the beach that day. Janet then got into a conversation with "Willy Wonka". Gene upon looking at Janet realized that Janet would really fit the role of Violet Beauregard, who had blimped into the giant blueberry in the original movie. Just so happened that they were going to do a sequel to the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie. So Janet was wisked off the nude beach in Miami and taken to Hollywood. Meanwhile Malou, Ty, Robmeister, Timmay and Marsh, get the hell out of there to be as far from Janet as possible. But with the economy being bad, they brainstorm on how to encourage slyness in this downturn. Marsh, who thankfully throws the nude Timmay some tasteful shorts and a golf shirt whispers, in Robmeister's ear and says.......
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.....while Timmj is changing or putting his clothes on, lets take off down that away. Ty and Malou can go off in that direction. Meet down at the square and we will hitch a ride to the bus station. We will buy the tickets and have them ready. Meanwhile, Timmj will be lost. He will undoubtedly go in the wrong direction so that will buy us some time. Ty and Malou, as you go past the street market, pick us up some snacks on the way. They all split and go their seperate ways heading to the market and the bus ticket office. Timmj tries to figure out how in the hell he is going to get these shorts on. Hell he can barely just get one leg in them. Finally he just gives up and puts on the hawaiian shirt ( it hangs long and covers most up) He looks around and doesnt see anyone. He is in a panic. He doesnt know his way around this city. Timmj just begins walking and figures that he will just take care of himself. He notices a big flashing light up ahead. He can just barely make out the wording. The sign seems to say "IN HERE"....???? Really questioning this sign, Timmj decides to walk over to the sign. It is somewhat pointing downward ...down a stairwell that goes beneath the side walk. TImmj looks around and doesnt notice that this is a subway. What could be down here he asks himself? Timmj takes steps down about 4 steps and turns and goes back. He looks down into the stairwell ...wondering if he should follow thru. He gets a glimpse of a bald guy walking past the entrance. Dressed in a long black coat, dress pants, white shirt and tie...sunglasses. As the man makes his way down teh stairwell, he looks back at Timmj and motions for him to follow. Timmj braves it and puts all his fears aside. He runs down the steps and rounds a corner to the right. it is very very dim in there and smoky. Timmj is not likign this at all. HE notices a bathroom off to the left so Timmj ducks in. Timmj is petrified. No movement...just standing their with his ......................
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............mouth hanging open. Complete confusion, thinkign to himself...All I was doing was going for a walk. How did all of this happen?
He reaches down, picks up his jelly filled donut off the park bench and continues his on his walk thru the park, singing loudly to the tune of........................
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..."Take It Easy", by The Eagles. At that point, Timmay entered through a tear in the vortexx of time and space and ended up "Standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona. When a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford, slowed down to take a look at him. At this point, Timmay was taking it easy. Little did he know that this girl was the President of the "Women Who Think Sly Bald Guys Are Hott". At this point, Timmay knew he had the get the Sly Guys in touch with this gal. So he got all the participants from the Sly Bald Con 2009 together, along with some others like Marsh and Time 2 Shine. So a plan was hatched to combat the negative publicity generated by the likes of Janet and her ilk. So they decided to......
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Get the President of "Sly Bald Guys are Hott". She then organized a big rally in Sturgis, South Dakota right after the big biker gathering. In fact, a lot of the bikers are sly guys themselves. So there was a lot of "Sly Synergy" going on there. Fun was had by all. In fact a plan was devised by the biker sly guys to get Janet out of the way. So they finally found Janet in her native Canada chowing down some donuts at the neighbourhood Tim Horton's donut shop. Even though they were sly, they dazzled her with their charm. They also paid for prozac for her, plus a visit to a fat farm and intensive counseling. Janet finally got her life together and no longer pestered sly guys. With that, Tyler and the gang at Sly Bald Guys were able to live their lives in peace. The world was now a much happier and balder place. So that is the end of our story. Happy slyness to all and to all a good night!
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This story can not end!!
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This story could end , but before it does . Was wondering if anyone has any idea what Janet is doing lately ?
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I'm pretty sure @Timmay will give us an update on Janet.
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Well, Janet, after becoming healthy, ended up being a weight loss counselor and health coach and ended up marrying and had three daughters. Plus she also had an older stepdaughter, Belinda, who ended up working at a upscale barbershop called Xcellent Cuts, which specializes in traditional barbershop services. But it also offers headshaving services and beard care. With this, Janet totally turns over a new leaf and forever is an advocate for balding men to shave their head. Marshall, in the meantime, grows a large beard and becomes Santa but also loses weight at the same time! Timmay, on the other hand, heads into 7-Eleven and get a Slurpee and some Hostess Donettes and......