Sly Bald Guys Forum
Confidence and Success => Relationships/Dating => Topic started by: agentfortyseven on July 29, 2016, 11:24:09 PM
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My wife and I have been together for 12 years married for almost 10. We've been having a hard time she's had to work a lot after I had a pretty sever back injury but I'm getting healed up and looking for work going through the hiring process with the local police department right now waiting to hear back on test results anyway, the other night she says she wants to split up and she no longer has any feelings for me. I was not ready to give up I asked to try going to a marriage counselor she agreed to go to only one session but kept saying she thinks that it won't work and is convinced she's done. Then last night she said she was going to sleep at the airport where she works but I found out she went straight to a guys house and slept there in his bed, she claims nothing happened but she had thought about it. We have two kids 8 and 4 years old, I am more upset that she lied to them about where she went. And think she should have the decency to wait until we've figured out what we're going to do, once everything is over and each of us have moved out or moved on then she can do whatever she likes but while she's still in our house I don't think that's ok. Anyway I apologize for the long rant I am just beside myself and in total shock I have no idea what to do so anyone with any advice or insights of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
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Hey, man
So sorry this is happening to you. When I joined this site in November, 2011, I too was in the process of a divorce which was finalized in March, 2012. My marriage started going downhill while I was in Iraq for most of 2010, and my ex-wife started acting strangely after my return with things such as "girls night out" and money kept "disappearing". Granted, our split up was easier as we didn't have any kids together, but in your case here's some things that I've learned from nearly five years ago
1. Even if she bad mouths you, don't bad mouth her especially in front of the kids
2. If you come in contact with her family members, keep the conversations about the two of you short and sweet. Someone in her family may try to bait you into saying something bad about her which they can go back and tell her (Blood is always thicker than water, no matter how good or bad of terms you're on with your in-laws)
3. As you have small kids together, there will always be some form of contact between the two of you even if she and/or you find a new partner down the road. The two of you will have to find a way to be cordial even in the times you really don't want to be.
4. It's okay to be angry, but try not to make it obvious to outsiders
5.Just make sure you've done everything you could before filing for divorce. Some people may be going through depression or have a hard time moving on from a certain stage in their live
Feel free to PM me anytime, and you and your family have my best wishes and prayers and I hope it works out for everyone regardless of what you and your wife decide.
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Sir harry,
Thank you for your insight, yeah it's going to be difficult with the kids and I want them to still love thier mom she has been a great mother. I think I'm willing to at least try counseling and see if we can save it 12 years and two kids there is a lot invested to just give up! But I can't make her try if she really doesn't wish to. Thank you for your service as well!!! That's really sad I knew a guy who's wife did kinda the same to him after he returned. I appreciate the kind words
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Hi agent fortyseven, sorry to hear of the bad time you are going through. Every marriage have ups and downs. It sounds as if there have been lots of things going on, with your wife's work and your injury. As you say 12 years and two kids is a lot of history, so you shouldn't give up too easily. The big thing is that the two of you need to talk things through. A counsellor can help but it doesn't sound as if that's an option, so you have to try and do it yourselves ( also difficult when you have the kids around). You need to try to get her to open up about what she wants, talk about what you want, and then you will be able to see how you can chart a path together. Don't get too hung up on the small stuff. Good luck
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Thank you Dragon for the kids words and support. Yeah I've wanted to do whatever we can to pull this out of a tailspin. She did agree to go to one counseling session, so we'll see how it goes
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You have some good advice already, I am sorry to hear about your situation. If you are religious, you may also want to confide in a minister/priest. Some larger Churches also provide access to counseling services.
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Thank you sly beard, I have not ever been very religious but would definitely consider that path if it would really help. I'm just thinking things are too far gone after the other day. I wanted to try and avoid a separation at all costs if possible for the kiddos but the only mind I can change is my own. I haven't been on this forum in awhile but I have a feeling I'll be loitering around quite a bit now Thanks again I really appreciate all the help and support from everyone
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My son was eight when his mother and I separated. I had asked her for years to go to couples' counseling, but to no avail. I decided to go to counseling myself and did so for eight months. During my last session my counselor told me to leave my wife. It is some of the best advice I've ever had and I followed it the next year.
If your wife is with another man she may have emotionally checked out of your relationship quite some time ago. No matter how much you love her, she may not feel the same way about you. It's a harsh reality, but if true the sooner you accept it the sooner you can move on with your life.
I paid child support for ten years. The first few years were tumultuous until my ex-wife met Greg. Things were okay until they got married. God, he was such a tool. He caused my son and I a great deal of grief. I always kept my cool for my son's sake and kept my distance as that made things much more manageable. Something very strange happened two years ago this month. Greg unexpectedly had a heart attack and died.
Things between my ex and I are much better now. This has taken the course of 16 years so many things have changed over that period of time.
Sir Harry has given you some excellent advice. Good luck and keep your head up.
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Wow Lew I am sorry you had to go through that, sounds like I'm in for some tough years ahead but I'm good and durable. The biggest fear I have is how anyone she meets in the future act towards my daughters I could not handle someone trying to come between myself and them or treating them poorly. You bring up some very good points the more I think on it the more I think it is just time to go. Thank you
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hey mate, it's a really tough situation you have (I'm not gonna be silly and deny the truth). I gotta admit my divorce experience included me being homeless for 6 months, and I think the fact is that once you have children involved it's gonna be tougher than anything I've been through. Hang in there.
But it does seem like she has made up her mind with her actions, so I think the main thing that you can do is be civil about her and to her (if only for your children's sake) Good luck mate be the best man you can be and a great father
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There's an old country song where the singer tells us "if she's thinkin' 'bout leavin' she's already gone." You know what they say about truer words never having been spoken?
You have gotten some really good advice already and I won't go back over old ground. One aspect of this that is missing, and having been through a divorce more than 25 years ago I'll give you some advice from my own experience.
First of all get the best divorce attorney you can. And when I say best I mean nasty. Get donations from family if necessary and get someone who is on the "father's rights" side of the equation. Let him know that she "camped out" at another guy's house and if you know who the guy is disclose this info to the attorney. There used to be a thing in the law called "alienation of affection" for just this kind of situation. It basically allows you to sue the guy for letting your wife take a nap in his bed while he's there even if she only thought about doing it.
Your attorney may want to hire an investigator to get some damaging evidence against your wife. Say yes to this. It is going to work in your favor in court if she's the one who stepped out of the vows and it can be proven and when you go to court remember that it isn't what you know, it's what you can prove.
When she leaves the house to sleep at the airport where she works (or whatever story she comes up with next time) start searching through her hiding places for evidence, read her diary, and basically violate every one of the rights she thinks she has to privacy. Remember that she's the one camping out in places other than your house, you are the victim of this situation. Tap your own phone (I did this but allowed my ex to talk me into destroying the evidence), you can probably buy the stuff you need on Amazon. Save any incriminating recordings and give them to your lawyer.
I had a really sour experience when I got divorced, this was back in 1990. I am still in the process of trying to reconcile with my 2 grown daughters more than 25 years later. I made some mistakes that I shouldn't have made because the part of my mind that lives in a fantasy world kept saying that this wouldn't really happen.....but it did. The crowning touch came when I took my ex back to court because she allowed my youngest daughter to get married at 16. I was not told about the wedding and, in fact, found out about it by accident after continuing to pay child support for almost 2 years when neither of my kids was living with their mom.
Make no mistake here, you are going into a war here that will, in all likelihood, determine the quality of the relationship between you and your kids forever. So fight this like it means something.
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Hey buddah,
I totally get the if she's thinking of leaving she's already gone, and I may very well have missed my chance to save it. But I am not going to "Prepair for a war" with her we both love our children and I will not do anything to try to damage the relationship our girls have with thier mother she is still a good mom. I do go back and forth with what I want to do but there is still a part of me that wants to try. If things do south and we end up apart I want to do everything possible to make it as smooth and peaceful as possible because as we have kids together she will always be a part of my life and I would hope that we can make it a kind to eachother. I am not a vindictive person however I am very hurt, angry, and feel crushed
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Hey agent 47,
I think that given the circumstances, you're handling it with class. But even so, we're here for whatever you need in the support department. A friend of mine was going through a similar situation and he decided to commit suicide. He tried reaching out to me, and I didn't pay attention like I felt I should have. After that happened, I made a vow to myself that if anyone is having problems, and trying to reach out, I would give more effort to help. Not saying this applies to you, but as I said in an earlier post, the members here were helpful to me, and we will do the same for you.
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Sir harry,
Thank you for everything you guys have been really great, oh man I am so sorry to hear that had happened to your friend. I am extremely upset and lost but I have to be here for my girls no matter what happens. I still feel like I want to try but I will see how the session goes with the marriage counselor tomorrow. I definitely need the support you guys have given this has been a very emotionally draining time. I greatly appreciate all the kind words and I'll keep you posted I'm still holding a little bit of hope that it can somehow workout. I know I have caused her plenty of frustration and hurt also, I just hope and pray that the counselor can shed light on things we've missed or give us the means to work through the things we either would ignore and just hope it gets better or continued to let build up until one of us would snap at the other and start an argument that'd bring in lots of other stuff that had nothing to d with the original argument. Wow sorry for the long post my head is just swimming ??? Anyway thank you for the emotional and mental support it has definitely been needed, this is a damn fine group on this forum I have gotten much more from joining this community than I ever imagined THANK YOU!!!
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Hi Agentfortyseven,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Im glad you are holding out hope and are going to seek counseling (and that she has agreed). I hope it is productive and that she will agree to more sessions. One is hardly enough... But could be the start.
I want to add that if you still love her and don't want the marriage to end, fight for it! Women want a man to fight for them. Even if she is entertaining the thought of leaving for someone else. Be transparent and listen carefully to what she says. If she wants changes, make the effort obvious.
My marriage is better now than ever, but a couple years ago, we almost ended it. It was very hard, but I knew it would be harder to walk away. It wasn't a quick easy fix, but we both kept moving forward and went to counseling. Sometimes together and sometimes separate. Stick with it.
I would highly recommend watching the movie "Fireproof". Also, the book "The Love Dare", of which the movie was based on.
Best of luck to you, brother!
-Mike
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Hey Mike,
Thank you for sharing your story that is encouraging to hear. Yes I have been trying to really approach each day with what can I do to make the girls, and her day better and then try and do whatever I can to help out. I finally after many many years offered to take over handling the the bills and balancing the account she has hated doing it for ever and I never really stepped in because she was good with it and good with numbers, I just hope it's not too late. I even got up this morning to make her coffee and breakfast as yesterday she told me she never has time in the morning to make any coffee or eat much before work. I hope that she can see I am really making an effort to be more present, and involved. I know I had pulled away big time overy the last few years. Yes I think I will look for that book and movie, my sister in law made the same recommendation. Thank you so much!
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Hey buddah,
I totally get the if she's thinking of leaving she's already gone, and I may very well have missed my chance to save it. But I am not going to "Prepair for a war" with her we both love our children and I will not do anything to try to damage the relationship our girls have with thier mother she is still a good mom.
I get where you're coming from and I did perhaps overstate what I was thinking. My point is that you have a suspicion that there may have been infidelity here already and that you now have to consider what your future relationship is going to look like with your kids. If she wants out she's going to get out and there's nothing you can do about that. But you can exercise a measure of control over what happens between you and your kids in the future. That's the thing that I suffered with for years and continue to be pained about. I know you want to be the good guy and not affect the relationship the kids have with mom. My concern is that she may not be as considerate when it comes to you and your relationship with the kids.
But you and I are different people and my ex and your wife are different people so maybe your situation will turn out more positive than mine did.
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Wierd I tried to post an update last night but it looks like it is gone not sure what happened. Anyway the marriage counselor was terrible, she heard my wife say she feels like she wants it to be done so the lady says ok then looKS to me and basically said well it sounds like this is where she is and it's up to you to catch up to what is happening WTF? So it looks like she is adamant about separating and really want to be on her "own" from awhile and nothing I can do or say will change that. I put own in quotation marks because I have a feeling she is still texting or talking with that guy, and regardless of what happens with us I really don't want him involved if we are separating there is a lot to figure out with that and none of it involves him, I can't confirm my suspicion it's just a feeling I think because anytime she is around with the kids and I and we actually have a good time, she'll pull away and become more distant the following day, so it just seem like she's trying to start a relationship with someone before we've figured out how to end this one and if that the case that is just such a shitty thing to do not only to my but our kids as well. Maybe I'm just too old fashioned but that just seems really F'd up if that's the case. I told her before if she can't wait until things are final then to move out now but feel the kids should stay here until things are sorted out. Se hated that and said she's not leaving the kids they're everything to her but it seems like she has already left them. cannot afford the house payment on my own so we're talking about just selling the house and clearing all of our debt. She keeps saying that she wants to keep talking and working on our friendship and maybe after living separately for a while we take a look at where we are with eachother and reevaluate things. Seems all well and good but I just don't know what to believe, I really wanted to tey everything and see if we could make it work especially for the kids. My oldest gave me a big hug last night and thanked me for trying so hard to make things work and told me she really doesn't want this to happen and she wishes mom would just relax and spend time with us and try to stay, I haven't talked with her much about it since she's only 8 but she seems to understand so much more than I expected as kids tend to do she is definitely an "old soul". After she thanks me for trying she said dad no matter what happens I want you to try to be happy and know that I always love you. She is such a sweet kid, and it just breaks my heart thinking how difficult it might be on them if or when my wife and I separate
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Agent 47,
I have to wonder did she meet with the counselor alone before your meeting to kind of "set you up" into a trap? Anyway, your older daughter sounds like a very smart young lady and your kids are blessed to have wonderful parents. Life is too short to force something that's just not working for the two of you. It's going to be painful for all of you, but you have to take it one day at a time. Keep us posted regardless of the outcome between you and your wife.
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Yeah I was wondering if she might have called the counselor beforehand? oh well I can't do much about any of it other that as you said taking it one day at a time and trying to be the best father I can be while trying to find things to make myself happy or improve my life, maybe I'll pick up a guitar again haven't played in nearly ten years. Next couple days are going to be awkward as we're having a birthday party for our youngest daughter and only one or two of the people coming know what's going on. I think we've both been in kind of a holding pattern until after the party then I get the feeling she'll want things to proceed fairly quickly afterwards. Yes she is an amazing little girl and I believe her mom and I are very lucky to have such wonderful daughters. I just hope she doesn't try to demonize me to the kids and try to blame everything on me while she's with them. I am really worried about that. Thank you Sir harry you guys have been great through all of this. I'll keep you posted hopefully things get better
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I see so many people make big changes after ending a relationship or going through a divorce, lots of guys might shave thier heads for instance. Well hell I've had my head shaved for over a couple years now and not interested in shaving anything else! I wonder, should I go back to having hair after the divorce.......I think I look ok bald I'm under no illusions I know I'm no Bruce Willis or Jason Statham or any other famous bald guy but I think I can get away with looking ok bald. Sorry for the strange post I've never put much thought into how I look even with a shaved head but with all this crap going on my confidence is huddled up in a tinny hole beneath the underground bunker. I've noticed women glancing hear and there when I'm at stores and what not but that was before and I never thought of it and usually assumed they were looking at something or someone behind me. Now I'm worrying if my choosing to be bald just doesn't look quite right. Anyway I'm sure I'll have plenty of posts that ramble on and on as I try to navigate my way through my family falling apart.
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Your marriage counselor sounds like a straight shooter; she calls it like she sees it. She could probably work a bit on her soft skills but that doesn't necessarily make her a bad counselor. You just didn't like what she had to say coupled with the manner in which she stated it. She's basically telling you to break away from your denial about your relationship being over and to face reality. I know it sucks and it hurts and it seems unfair but it's reality and reality can be harsh at times.
Also, your wife talking to you about a friendship and a possible reconciliation down the road is just telling you what you want to hear. She probably has no intention of trying to make things work but by her giving you pseudo hope probably gives her somewhat of an emotional break from the intensity of your current marital situation.
My advice to you is to seek out counseling on your own. Many people view individualized counseling as a sign of weakness when in reality it can give you the strength you so desperately need right now. Talking with guys on this forum is a good first step but it's akin to placing a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. You need more than that and you deserve much more than that as well.
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As far as the part about staying bald...If you want to go back to hair for yourself, then do it, but the last thing you want to do is make changes you don't really want to make because that would give her the impression that she has power over you whether she's there or not. After my divorce, I decided to grow a beard, because I knew it was something I wanted and something she didn't care for. (not totally her fault because I had not yet retired from the military) As a presumably soon to be single man, there's no shame in trying something for/on yourself that you were afraid to do because of your wife/kids. Another thing in your favor is you're still at a young enough age to recover and rebound. Stay strong!
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Sorry, I have to go back to my original post. Delete the second one, I was trying not to be controversial. But scratch that. You, my bald amigo, are about to get the rug yanked out from under you. The reason I say this is because what she said about spending time apart and then reevaluating is almost word for word what my ex said as she was packing up the conversion van and getting ready to move to where the grass was greener. So you can continue to be a good guy or you can be a good guy with a good lawyer.
I think there must be a divorce guide that only women are made aware of that has a glossary of terms that are designed to make guys like us compliant.
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Yes I do have concerns that she's not being completely honest about much. While so far both of us want to keep lawyers out of it and have agreed to go to a mediator t sort out the stuff we're not sure about as far as what we should do next or how to work out various things that we haven't thought about. But I told her the one thing I'm not willing to mess with and I want put down officially is my time with the kids we've agreed 50/50 split is good but I may have to take them more while she's in her current job she's trying to leave. All I'm worried about is getting screwed over on my time with the kids if we can keep that fair I'll be happy and the house is in my name only and all the credit cards are in her name but were used for us both as was the house obviously. The house has gone up quite a lot in value so if we sold it should be enough to wipe all the debt we both carry and a little bit to get us started. I do appreciate the heads up I am hopeful we can settle this amicably, however I'm not totally convinced that I can trust her or take her word for anything after what she's done.
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Well the past few nights my oldest daughter has been having a hard time sleeping and crying around bed time, so I finally asked if it was because of what is happening with her mom and I and she just broke down crying and told me she really doesn't want us to separate and she doesn't want this for her life, and she just doesn't understand why mom wants to move out. That has been so heartbreaking! She asked me to keep trying to make things better with mom, so I told her as long as she wants me to keep trying I will try to make things better but I told her that it's not likely to work out because I think mom has already made up her mind to move out and just doesn't want to live with me any longer. Why I told her I would keep trying she just started bawling saying thank you. I really wish my little girls did not have to deal with this I just keep telling them both that I love them no matter what happens, and that mom loves them also. and I'll still spend as much time as I can with them.
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Stay strong
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Sorry to hear about the counseling session. i hope you are able to go again...to a different person... Individually and together if possible.
Your 8 year old daughter does sound amazingly mature in her words and I doubt she would be swayed by any attempts of your wife to demonize you, but keep doing what you are doing and reassuring both of your daughters along the way. They will know the truth.
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I'm way behind in this thread but I'm gonna throw my big mouth in anyway.
This story is completely heart-wrenching.
I spent this year dealing with a divorce, but thankfully it was a lot easier than this story. We had simply grown apart and felt like we were only roommates and burdening one another, so we decided to go for it. Our biggest concern was our daughter, who as expected, had a hard time processing the whole thing, mostly because she has a couple of friends who are caught in the middle of very bad divorces. We took it slow and honest with her and right now she's in her room here at my house resting before her and I go out later. She's pretty much good with everything now that she sees nothing bad is going to happen.
I was lucky enough to have the advantage of my ex-wife being in law which allowed her to produce the proper paperwork for the court and avoid an attorney but I definitely wouldn't recommend that for all couples. We're able to talk openly and honestly about things but from what I've seen from the divorce stories here that doesn't seem to be common. Mostly I would recommend an attorney simply because although our paperwork was near perfect, Friend of the Court recommended minute changes such as removing one word here and there to remove any context issues. We did well but I think we got lucky.
I've been around here for a while but don't post much. I read occasionally but I've decided that completely bald just isn't my thing so I walk around with the usual pattern baldness. I'm 45 but still can't grow anything better than a puberty beard so my options are limited. This concerned me in regard to hopefully finding someone new but even after a year of divorce proceedings, quite a bit of self-doubt, and a major self-image/self-confidence problem, I'm proud to say I have a hottie for a girlfriend. A girlfriend who isn't afraid to touch my head whether there's hair or not. She says don't change a thing. Which is good because other than my confidence level, not much changed for me as a person over the past year.
The point of all this rambling is to not give up or feel defeated. Even though I knew a divorce was the right way to go, I had a hard time with it after being with her over twenty years mixed with the fact that I don't 'hate' her like it seems I'm supposed to. My life is proof that when something good goes bad, something even better will take it's place.
Best of luck with your situation.