Sly Bald Guys Forum
Confidence and Success => How to Build Confidence => Topic started by: Reddas on June 10, 2012, 09:56:25 AM
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I'm a fairly young guy (20), lost my hair when I was 18.
My appearance was quickly altered.
I must admit, that I'm self-conscious about it from time to time. Other times, I feel pretty confident.
Body-image. Many younger people are influenced by hollywood and pop-culture.
Having hair is mostly potrayed as being universally appealing, whereas the bald-look is more polarizing - either people dig it or they don't.
I'm not trying to generalize, but this dichotomy of reactions is mostly true for women, in my experience. Men don't care that much about appearances. The bald look is also often portrayed as the muscular badboy arche-type. Which automatically stereotype you as "tough" if you are sly to some people.
I must admit that I sometimes feel that we live in a pretty shallow culture where appearances matters more than the content of your character.
Perhaps I'm thinking too much into it, which from time to time makes me depressed.
Rationally, I know I got to accept my appearance, and just be as happy as I can. Since there's nothing I can do to change it.
But still I process it in my mind, got this unhealthy obsession with my head-shape, and how odd it is that I don't have hair when 95% of my friends got all their hair.
Any others who experienced depression over the course of getting used to your new bald appearance?
How you did you gain confidence?
How did you gain more happiness in your life, when you suffered from depression?
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Hey Reddas.
First, you look great sly! I've seen the picture you posted of yourself with hair and it looked good, but you look better with a shaved head IMO. You have a great head shape (but the initial obsessing is only normal, I think).
I also went through a depression after shaving my head and I went through 6 months of counselling. Shaving my head wasn't the 'real' problem, it was just the indicator that I was fed up with the person I was, or more: the person that everyone always expected me to be. I had always been the smart, nice, rational child in the family and the motivated, social student in school. The backlash I initially got from shaving my head made me question myself, because suddenly people saw me as a troubled teenager who was starting to rebel (I'm 24).
I found out (through counselling) that rebelling is an essential part of shaping your personality. At first I didn't want to accept that I was rebelling since that wasn't in my nature and I condemned the people that did so (like my brother). In the end, he was the happy one because he did what he wanted and stood up for it while I was the one doing what everyone else expected me to do. Don't forget: of all the possibilities in 'battling' hair loss, you chose this one (and thank God you did). You decided to 1) accept that you were losing your hair, 2) do something about it, and 3) choose the option that YOU thought was most appropriate (and that actually requires some balls, too).
Reddas, there's no shame in shaving your head. Your problem isn't your hair loss or the fact that you shaved your head. But you've allowed other people to judge your decisions and it's time to stand up for yourself.
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Hey Reddas !
What KDusk posted in reponse to your post is totally epic ! KDusk and the rest of us at SBG offer understanding and sly support !
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Body-image. Many younger people are influenced by hollywood and pop-culture.
Having hair is mostly potrayed as being universally appealing, whereas the bald-look is more polarizing - either people dig it or they don't.
It's almost impossible for most of us to live up to Hollywood/pop culture standards. Remember that celebrities have the best stylists, make up artists, personal trainers and plastic surgeons at their beck and call 24/7. And all of the magazine photographs you see are airbrushed, touched up and digitally altered. The average person can't compete with that, and trying too hard will only make you feel miserable and inadequate. The only thing that most of us can do is try and do the best we can with what God gave us to work with.
You look perfectly fine without hair. There's no reason in the world that you should feel depressed about it. Hold your head high and walk with confidence.
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I'm 6'2"/300lbs and though I haven't had any issues with my hair (per se) I can certainly relate. I ought to be 120ish with a 6pack and pectorals I can make bounce on command. I have bad days now and again that I call my "fat days," but the majority of the time I don't even think about it.
What really turned me around was all these specials on how magazines and fashion photoshop men and especially women. I figure that I am who I am, fat or thin, and screw the a-holes who have to chisel the neckline off some model who represents a fantasy that cannot be achieved.
And you know what? That goes for the women too! Barbie is illogical and would snap in like 10 places because her perportions are so off, so why are women focused on the media's attempt at making all their models her size? Women who have curves are beautiful and, as my fiancée likes to say, I feel nothin but a need to feed the skinny model types that try to live outside reality.
Don't know if that helps- but definetly don't be ashamed of your looks. You look great bald and it matters more how you carry yourself and embrace life than whether or not you have hair. Like singing in church- its what you were given so you may as well give it right back and wear it proudly!
Brandon
PS- We DO live in a terribly shallow culture. What we don't realize is that the culture focuses on one attraction- the most superficial. I guarantee that the way you carry yourself- confidently and unapologeticly is equally as attractive, if not more so.
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Reddas, first of all welcome to Sly. This is an awesome place filled with awesome people. We all benefit from learning about each others' concerns and solutions.
I believe you need to rework your thought process. For example,
But still I process it in my mind, ... how odd it is that I don't have hair when 95% of my friends got all their hair.
this statement leads me to think you believe that 95% of your friends are better (than you) because they "got all their hair."
Why can't you be the in the 5% which are ahead of them because you've had the courage to take charge, break out of your shell, and go sly?
You look great, and you should inwardly feel and outwardly portray great pride and confidence.
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Reddas I have the same problem. I think I look like a dopey fool. To me, you don't at all. Everyone says to just get over it and let it be part of you. Well I have tried for years. I think I AM over it. I think that other people are the ones who aren't.
I'm a great person. My condition has forced isolation upon my life. People will always be ignorant, superficial, and shallow to me. I don't bring my depression upon myself. Other people decide what I can and cannot do, and will tell me so until the day I die.
I've tried the f*** them attitude. With the way I look though, that ends up being a terribly large amount of people. If I look semi-ok in my picture it's just that picture.
I'm to the point where it's not even my head I care about anymore. All the compulsive behavior, violent attitude, and negativity is starting to wear on me. That's what sucks.
Honest-to-God, if I had my hair back, I would just shave it off by choice to prove a point. I hate people.
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Reddas I have the same problem. I think I look like a dopey fool. To me, you don't at all. Everyone says to just get over it and let it be part of you. Well I have tried for years. I think I AM over it. I think that other people are the ones who aren't.
Hey vsG,
While I agree when people say "It's just a haircut.", I also agree with you that it's a haircut that takes a lot of balls to go for (and that it's not something you 'just get over' in one day).
I highlighted in your comment the part that accounts for a lot of people, I think. "I think I look like a dopey fool. To me, you don't at all." While it's normal we look at ourselves through a magnifying glass, we shouldn't be any harder on ourselves than we are to other people. Sometimes I think I look stupid too and that everyone else looks perfect.
And other people are over it or will get over it soon. They have their own lives, and I doubt your haircut means the end of the world to them.
To me, you look great sly.
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You look amazing sly
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Hang in there, it's a process. Don't give in to what you've correctly identified as a shallow culture that cares more about appearance than character. Looks aren't everything and, anyway, you still have yours. You just don't have your hair. You should enjoy being young and good looking and forget. Focus on what you do have and not what you don't.
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Wow...so much to say about all this.
First of all, Reddas, you're a handsome guy and your head looks good shaved. Roll with it.
As far as your concern goes about your friends having hair....so what?! They're still your friends, right? All my friends still have their hair, but I think a lot of them should just go sly rather than delaying the inevitable. My point is it's a good thing to not look like your friends. The friendship should be all that matters. About Hollywood- don't even bother thinking about this. They're not real people. They aren't even the ones who create this fantasy about the way people "should" look, that would be the media. These people are not important and are in no way a reflection of reality. I hate to sound cliche, but your personality is what makes you unique. Most people who try really hard to have a unique appearance are trying to cover up for a lack of personality. Anyway dude you look good and you're a young buck! Relax and enjoy your life!!
I had some issues with my body as a younger man. I've got skinny legs and what I thought was a small head. I didn't wear shorts for years because I was so self conscious, but it came to a point where I just decided I was being cowardly and I realized that NO ONE else cares about these issues as much as I did. They're really non issues. As far as I'm concerned there's only really one option for a man- you have to accept what you've got to work with and own it. I hate to use that phrase, but you gotta own it. Whatever it is you do. Plus, if it's only your appearance you're concerned with there are about 1000 different things you can do to change your looks. I'd suggest working out or even better, learning a martial art. These will boost your confidence more than anything else you can do and develop your character at the same time. I accredit my level of confidence from learning Brazilian Jiu-jitsu years ago. It's carried over into every other area of my life.
Really though, you're a handsome young guy and you got the rest of your life ahead of you. Start taking some action to change the parts of you you don't like, either physically or mentally and be happy. Taking action will help with the depression. Anyway, I think the coffee is beginning to make me rant and real depression is not something I'm qualified to comment on.
Best of luck with everything.
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TunaSkin, I couldn't have said it better. You're the proof of someone who has significant reservations about the transition to sly and the immeasurable joy and confidence as soon as you made the change. Great to see that hasn't diminished!
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Thanks for the support. It means a great deal to me.
Just today I was talking with some people I'm supposed to play drums with for a one-time music gig. One of them pipes up and says "I have got to see this"- referring to me playing drums. I didn't know you had to have hair to play a musical instrument. That's just one example. Stupid crap happens to me all day every day. People wonder what makes discriminated groups of people violent. There's some subculture of American society that is throwing all caution to the wind to see how sh**** they can be to one another. Now to a select group of individuals that seems cool, but to me it just seems absolutely ridiculous and makes them jackasses. Everyone was granted life that is reading this, and nobody is immortal. I've always been of the mind to make people friends before I make them enemies.
Anyways, take care all. I think each and every one of you have nothing to be ashamed of. You all just appear as regular people to me. Obviously not everyone shares my same views or this site wouldn't exist.
God Bless.
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Hey Reddas,
I can understand how it would have an impact but you can't live for what others think about you. If they're a true friend, they wouldn't care and believe me, within a few weeks of seeing you, people won't even notice.
I much older than you and try to only live my life to please God, my wife and kids and that's it. Try it....WORKS for me!!
Stay blessed.
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I'm an old fart trying to be clean, but I have a pig and slob of a service dog and some other problems which really mess with my confidence. Now, I'm ex-military, trained as a leader, but circumstances and conditions have served to drive me into depression. I live in a big place alone and there's no way I can take care of everything, though I still try.
Now, when's my stuff gonna get here? :x!
Seriously, though, I don't really have any advice for you except to keep on keepin' on. At my age, it can be a real drag, but there's always some good in life even though it's sometimes damned hard to find.
[Sheesh, Mr. Negative telling a kid to think positive!] :o
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Hey Reddas,
As a new guy to the site I'm just having a read through the forums to see if I can add anything. Noticed your post as I could relate to this. I totally agree with a lot that has been said on here in reply to it, I too went through the same process when I was around 21 & still am in a way now I'm 28. But the more I hear advice I hear from people, the more I realise that it is what you think that matters & that there is a lot more than hair that makes up a person & their confidence. Takes a lot of bottle to shave it off & even more when you're younger I think, but fair play you've done it & to be fair you look good with a shaved head.
As for negative or shallow people that have something to say on the matter, usually turns out they are deflecting everyone's attention away from some insecurity of their own. I'd say surround yourself with non-shallow people that like you for you.
Last bit of advice I guess I have is something I have read in a book by LL Cool J, which has stuck with me. Something along the lines of - if you compare yourself to the best part of everybody that you know, you will never be happy with yourself or progress in life! You only see & combine the best parts of lots of people like someone's hair, someone else's flash car, someone else's job etc etc. However what you don't see is that these people have parts of their lives that they don't like, they have insecurities & things they wish were better but you can fail to see these.
Just concentrate on your life & feeling good about what you have.
Keep up the shaved head pal, it's a good look for you.
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The thing I love about this place, is how honest you can be. No one judges anybody, awesome.
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The thing I love about this place, is how honest you can be. No one judges anybody, awesome.
It is a beautiful thing isn't it!
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I can completely empathise with you and Im like a hundred years older than you!
What Im trying to tell myself is, that in the grand scheme of things, appearance doesn't matter, as long as you have people who care and love you for your personality, are a good person, it's what is on the inside that matters that counts.
I'm great at giving others advice, not always so good at taking it myself!
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I'm great at giving others advice, not always so good at taking it myself!
I hear ya! I would like to think I am getting better though...
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I can completely empathise with you and Im like a hundred years older than you
Watch it now, I'm not in any rush to be older than I am ;D ;D ;D
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Thanks for all your answers.
It's appreciated.
I must admit that when I wrote this post some months ago, I was in a pretty negative state of mind.
I'm not that depressed these days which is thanks to taking action, moving in a different direction, and trying new things in my life. A new job, school, moving to a new city, etc..
I still believe we live in a very shallow culture, and most people judge a book on its cover.
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Shallow people will definitely judge a book by its cover.
People who know quality and substance know to open the cover and see what's inside.
Personally, I don't have time for the former crowd, when the latter crowd can be so much more rewarding.
Congratulations on the major changes you've made. Trust me, there are more to come. That's part of life.
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I think the same thing. I always look at myself and think - yeah hideous - and then see some other guy with a shaved head and think yeah that guy looks good. Its all the perception of ourselves. In the Hollywood world, yes you are right, you don't look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but not many people do. Just remember, the girls/women in your life don't look like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis either!
and vsG, you look fine bro! trust me! actually, you look alot like Andre Agassi who chicks LOVE. Or Ed Kowalcyk the lead singer from Live.
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Dude (as well as evrey other sly) you have nothing to be worried man. You look great sly. I'm young too and I can totally relate with seeing all your friends having hair and feeling like the odd one out. But you know what, us (referring to all Slys) have made the choice to be sly and we are better people for it because we aren't afraid to show the world we have nothing to hide. Every single one of us are among the strongest on earth because we have made the decision not to run or hide whether it be from hair loss or other things that made us go sly. And you brother are apart of this group. And we will always be here to help you the very best we can. Sorry I kinda went off there. But it's all going to ok. O0
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James84
Well said. Your post hit the nail right on the head. I also enjoyed the other responses. This thread shows how "real" most of the guys here on SBG are. What a wonderful community. The folk with whom I share Private messages are warm, friendly and genuine peole.
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Each and everyone of us have our own little items that we feel, do, how we say things, read things and express things. But to be on this board is the greatest thing that anyone of us could do. We can express just how we feel doing it in a nice way and either people will answer to what is posted or they won't . In other words we all have a choice and feeling in what and how we respond . Neither one is wrong.
WOW did I say that ?
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At 6ft2in and 356lbs I tell people that I have the body of a God... Buhdda. I have been big all of my life, One thing that I have never let it do is stop me from achieving exactly what I wanted to do. Bobby You're too big to be a prize fighter.. I went 20-0. Bobby You're too big to Rodeo I was once 10th in the World as a Bulldogger. For one reason or another folks tend to like to put people down, when they cannot achieve their dreams or goals they will always attack yours and laugh when you fail. The fact of the matter is you have to have a fire within you a passion as it were. Do not let those who cannot tell you you cannot either.
Keep it slick Cuz.
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You sound alot like me. For some odd reason, when someone told me I couldn't do something if there was any chance I would give it a shot. Example / If someone told me I couldn't go through a door or a bad thing might happen to me. I would have to go through that door. And it is what it is.